Aibu to not go to fil party

[crje]

Father in law is having big birthday , his two sons are organising a family meal ( 6 adults,in an expensive restaurant . The 2 sons will pay the bill.

Mil has now invited extended family ( 13 adults,in laws siblings & partners) . My husband won't say anything and says bill will still be spilt two ways. At probably £100 per head bill will be much more than we anticipated for now 19 People.

I'm so cross , money is tight .
My husband won't discuss it .

Do I have to go and watch my husbands family eat & drink my family holiday budget .

Good Lord, £100 a head.
I'd be too embarrassed to accept it if I were a guest.

Who are these people?

If as you say that's the way its go to be, then go and suck it up.

If there is a second option which means you wont go broke, fall out with dh and seeth with resentment. Id go with that option.

I don't understand why you/dh don't explain that its got out of hand and you cant afford it, its not a sin you know. Would you inlaws really expect you to land yourselves a credit card bill with interest to pay off over the next year and no holiday to boot?

Does your MIL know her sons are planning to pay? Sometimes we organise meals out and DH and I privately agree we will pay but don't say till the bill arrives. Is it like that?

Mumoftwoyoungkids

Love your idea!

Aggghh

I know ye are right .

I'm not a doormat and dh doesn't normally pull this crap but his parents turn him into an eager to please small boy.
His parents are the only thing we row about .

I'm furious he hasn't involved me in any of this .

My family have very practical budget birthdays

which makes it worse .

Fil doesn't know about the meal , mil is blissfully unaware of the cost if living. She chose the restaurant as its where we had other occasions pre kids / recession.

If your dh won't talk to you how do you know that your MIL didn't ask him and he agreed prior to inviting the other people?

OK so you talk to MIL .

Tell her that it's wonderful that so many of FILs family and friends can make it, but you hadn't really budgeted for so many people coming. If FIL hasn't picked the restaurant then he won't be disappointed if it's changed to a cheaper option. There are many great places that will serve a meal plus drink for less than 100.

his parents turn him into an eager to please small boy

Sadly join the club.

His parents are the only thing we row about

yep, join the club

• mil is blissfully unaware of the cost if living

If you are not going to enlighten her, you cannot really blame her.

The behaviour lies at your and your DH door. You are adults and you are able to enlighten her but you are simply choosing not too.

When I read...."she will probably tell me to get a new dress", I thought.

Wow, what a great opener to gently say " Oh goodness, Mil, this meal is going to bankrupt us, literally! I am almost thinking of not going as one meal less to pay for, a new dress! There is no way I can afford new anything at the moment....."

You have to say something! You'll feel resentful for years about this! It'll come out in some family row after many years when nothing can be done about it. Something can be done - without a row - now. Just say to MIL, "we can't afford to pay for everyone, but obviously we want FIL to hae the birthday he wants. How are you planning to mange the extra cost - do we pay for the original 6 or shall we do something different?"

It's not confrontational or aggressive. If she is unaware then she will be embarrassed, not angry. But you have to do it now.

With such a large group, I would suggest going to the restaurant and arranging a set menu, so you can at least control some of the costs.

What the always spot-on expat said:

Enable her and you deserve what you get.

Fuck that! I would no way be paying. Apron strings need to be cut perhaps? Speak to MIL - or tell DH that his ipad or xbox or whatever is being sold to fund it. My holiday money is not for MIL to spend on food at a fancy restaurant.

Some things HAVE to be rowed about if the other person refuses to engage like an adult about it.

Come on, do something about it. It really is enough m

Money to have a holiday. Do you really want to miss out on a holiday because you were too polite to sort this out?

I'm with Euphemia. Seriously. I know you don't want a huge row with your dh but some things need a huge row.

He has to discuss this with you. You two need to go through up your budget and he needs to decide what he is willing to sacrifice to pay for the extra £700. Him. Not you and the kids. Him. If necessary he can have beans on toast every night for dinner every night for a year while you and the kids have normal dinner. If he is determined to do this he needs to feel every single penny of it. There is something seriously fucked up here and it seems like he doesn't even realise.

This is ridiculous.

Seriously, you keep the peace over small things. You bite your tongue over small things.

You don't sit back and meekly allow your husband to spend an extra £700 because he won't drop some balls and be a sensible adult.

This is ridiculous. There's no point ranting about it if you're allowing it to happen!

Your dh needs to cop the fuck on and you need to open your mouth!

What a doormat! 'Mum, where are we going on holiday?'

Nowhere, your arse of a father spent it on Grandad because Grandma took the piss and, well, I just didn't want to rock the boat. So learn this from it: put up with any ol' type of bullshit rather than stand up for yourself and saying, 'No. I'm not doing that.'

If he won't discuss and you won't discuss it then you're both as bad as each other.

Either accept it or do something about it. But personally I wouldn't be enabling a situation here my children were going without to fund a slapup dinner for for 19 people I didn't invite.

You also need to get a move on as the restaurant will need notice if you intend to cancel or reduce numbers, perhaps 24 hours.

I can't see that the extended family are going to be happy with your DH paying for them anyway.
It does sound like crossed wires.
When these extras go to pay for themselves, do not let your DH insist he pays.

In laws called , dh is away so had a quick word with mil.

I said it was a big crowd and could we change the booking to an earlier time to a avail of the early bird menu from 5-7.
She said to leave it as it is and she will put something towards it .

That could be any amount , will still be paying way over budget even if we go 3 ways but its something.

The bill won't be fought over , the lads will slip away to sort it out during coffee.

For my ds recent 18th birthday we went to a restaurant with tesco vouchers and groupon karting . Even typing this make me sad and confused.

We'll it seems he's hellbent on paying for everyone.

FFS! Fuck the quiet words and 'put something towards it'.

Your son had Tesco and groupon and his father is spending from 300-800 quid on his day's birthday?