Aibu to not go to fil party

[crje]

Father in law is having big birthday , his two sons are organising a family meal ( 6 adults,in an expensive restaurant . The 2 sons will pay the bill.

Mil has now invited extended family ( 13 adults,in laws siblings & partners) . My husband won't say anything and says bill will still be spilt two ways. At probably £100 per head bill will be much more than we anticipated for now 19 People.

I'm so cross , money is tight .
My husband won't discuss it .

Do I have to go and watch my husbands family eat & drink my family holiday budget .

I feel sorry for your son too.

Both of his parents would rather scrimp on on his 18th birthday and spend hundreds of pounds on meals for MIL's great-aunt-Doris-twice-removed x 19, than actually be honest about the fact that they can't afford to pay for MIL's whims.

You shouldn't have married an orphan, you should have married someone able to prioritise the needs of their own dependants ahead of the desire of an insecure mummy's boy to play Charlie Big-Potatoes.

Why is your FIL's "big birthday" more important than your own son's "big birthday"?

And why on earth would you feel sorry for someone who is prepared to let his own family go without so that he can play Mr Big Shot in front of his brother?

Bil and dh are organising the night. They all take criticism badly , family trait.

I'm not going to fight with them all over my dh not speaking up.

I organised ds birthday, he doesn't know how it was paid for . He had a great time . I'm a planner and look for good deals
Had I been included in the planning of this party it would have gone very differently but neither sil nor I were consulted. Normally this works well as they have different family traditions ect
For my family events I don't discuss it with dh.
The game changer in this instance is the money .
With one week to go and everyone asked its tough to wade in and change things .

I'm having the argument in my head all day im wrecked , dh due home tomorrow for the weekend .
Will see what he says .

Thanks for everything x

"They all take criticism badly , family trait."
Tough shit. Tantrumming 'Taking it badly' does not give them a Get Out Of Jail Free card when they have done something worthy of criticism. Personally, I would make it crystal clear to my MIL just how much expense her big mouth has added to the bill for this OTT birthday treat, and the consequences it would have for my family - and not just no holiday this year but the friction it would introduce to my marriage and the loss of respect for my husband (asnd the whole lot of them) I would have. And if this travesty of a meal goes ahead with ME footing half the bill, I'd throw it in their faces every time I bloody well felt like it from then on. I'd show them what a fucking rift looks like .

You can't spend 1000 on this. Seriously, it's ridiculous. You wouldn't be criticising, you would be honest about what you can and can't afford. That's it, really. No big drama necessary !

Unfortunately, I can picture it happening, just as you describe, OP, on the day, the sons will slip away and pay for everything. MIL will make a token protest about 'giving something', but the bill will have been paid, and the damage done. I'm still open mouthed at the idea of inviting a large group of people to an expensive restaurant at other people's expense. It's a shed load of money to drop on one night, surely others must see this. Or will people be under the illusion that MIL is paying, since she is the one flinging out invitations
I think someone alluded to it upthread, but no doubt this scenario will be repeated for MIL's big birthday, and on it goes.

op- I also agree with woowooowl.

I think you are handling it well.

on mumsnet people always advise drastic action - the advice you have been given here is the same as the classic 'leave the bastard'. tbh I'm surprised you haven't been told that!

at the end of the day the in laws are family too. you have to weigh up whether it is worth a big fall out or not. it sounds like you have done this - people saying you are not being assertive don't have to live with the aftermath, you do.

you do need to speak to your dh properly about this, preferably after the party at this stage, and decide how to deal with this type of issue in the future. get him to rope bil in at this stage too so everyone is in agreement and a similar situation doesn't happen again.

I don't think it is drastic action being advised. In a 'normal' family, this wouldn't cause fallout either. The conversation would just go
"we can't afford that"
"oh, ok, what budget are we looking at!"
"£x, similar to what we spent on ds"
"Ok, let's do soandso"
End of story. If you can't afford it it is not 'drastic' to say so. I wouldn't scrimp on ds birthday and forgo a holiday just so as not to lose face!

the party is next week. it has been booked, the guests have been invited and the sons have agreed to pay for it.

it is drastic action to say at this point 'we can't afford it.'

But the extra guests have only just been invited. It is perfectly reasonable to therefore say I'm sorry, you can't expect us to pay x amount extra, we can't afford it!
Obviously people must have vastly different budgets to be able to 'suck up' an extra grand so as not to offend people! Personally, I would put them in their place whether it was my MIL, DM, Dsis, whoever! No one has the right to spend your money for you!

Surely MIL didn't call up the extra people and said "Don't bring your purse" - I imagine any normal person would be expecting to pay for their own meal, and then you can pay for the original family members.

I realise this is a difficult situation for you OP, but I'll never understand people who let others take advantage of them all in the name of family. If a group of friends pulled this, you would say something, no?

at best your mil has her head in the clouds re money. i just don't get people who don't understand that not everyone is as loaded as they are.

OP, at this stage, I'd contact the restaurant, ask for a fixed price menu, order 12 bottles now so that you're not risking guests choosing a dear one. My guess is that the extra guests will be expecting to pay for themselves, and therefore will order what they want, rather than showing the restraint they would if someone else was paying.

I'm sure even at a good restaurant, you'd get a fixed price menu for 25 or 30 a head. Wine at 25 per bottle, and you're some way away from £1,900.

Also wondering why George Best?!

what does your sil think? can you both go to see mil and just simply say we would love to pay but we just can't.

You put your foot down and say no way!
All adults except FIL and MIL foot their own bills.

A meal for DHs parents, two brothers and their families is one thing, loads of hangers on is quite another.

OP is the £100 per head food only?

Water, wine, soft drinks, shorts and mixers. 19 (plus the original 6?) will add an eye watering amount to the final bill.

If not, I agree with AgentP. Pre order the wine and water and tell (email) the restaurant it is not to be exceeded unless separately billed to guest.

We did this for DH's birthday one year. Don't be embarrassed. This was in a very naice Michelin place. No one raised an eyebrow. You get piss takers everywhere. Biggest profit margin for restaurants are in their drinks. It's in their interest to let the ordering go on and on...

Also, very bad form if MIL hasn't explained to the extra guests if they are paying or not. £100 is a lot to some and if they don't know how expensive the meal is, when they arrive and find out they might panic. I would feel dreadful as a guest if I thought my meal was causing financial worry to the host.

Ha ha ha, not a chance, it needs to be each separate party/family pays for themselves - the cheeky feckers!!

op I am going hot/cold thinking of this. dreadful situation for you but I would have to sort it out upfront.

just imagine sitting at the table and seeing random cousin order yet another gin and tonic!

take control now.

what's this with your dh not discussing things either? that's not a marriage it's a dictatorship!

I'd expect PIL to pay for this and make it a treat at their expense celebrating the birthday with the whole family. That's what happened in my family a couple of times.

I would expect every adult person there to pay for themselves.

OP - I hope your DH with your DH goes well this evening. I'm assuming that the original 6 was you, DH, FIL, MIL, BIL and SIL so essentially your DH agreeed to pay for the two of you plus one of his parents. In other words he was only paying £100 over what you and he would have spend at the same meal in the same restaurant (albeit you may not ordinarily have chosen to go there). To from paying £100 extra to a £1000 extra is just madness and totally out of line of you MIL to do that. Surely your DH and his family can see this is a totally different ball game now.

Ceres might have a point if the extra guests had been added a month ago and your DH had agreed to pay but since they've only been added recently it's totally fair and sensible to say to his parents "Having discussed it with OP we simply can't afford to cover the cost of these extras."

You're being short-sighted by letting it go though. Your relationship is going to be paying for this for a long time. Is it worth that?