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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not go to fil party

167 replies

crje · 20/03/2014 15:27

Father in law is having big birthday , his two sons are organising a family meal ( 6 adults,in an expensive restaurant . The 2 sons will pay the bill.

Mil has now invited extended family ( 13 adults,in laws siblings & partners) . My husband won't say anything and says bill will still be spilt two ways. At probably £100 per head bill will be much more than we anticipated for now 19 People.

I'm so cross , money is tight .
My husband won't discuss it .

Do I have to go and watch my husbands family eat & drink my family holiday budget .

OP posts:

LoonvanBoon · 21/03/2014 11:31

Good idea, eddielizard - why can't you or DH do that, OP? You don't need to berate MIL for inviting other people (even though it is a colossal cheek), you just need to make a clear, calm statement of your own position.

This is what we can afford, this is our limit, this is what we're going to do. If there's an issue with BIL, I can't see for the life of me why DH can't just point out that you agreed to pay x amount for x number of people, & it's not possible for you to do any more than that. End of story.

How could this possibly create a row or rift, unless ILs are completely unreasonable - in which case, fuck 'em!

TheBody · 21/03/2014 11:35

this is so far out if my understanding that I can't comment further.

op seems resigned to keeping the peace and humouring her dh and inlaws.

my last point is though op by allowing your dh to be treated like a small boy by his parents you are also colluding as you don't want to upset his feelings.

wierd.

FabBakerGirl · 21/03/2014 11:42

It isn't a family trait to not take criticism well . That is a problem with the sulker who has never been pulled up on their behaviour before.

Either put up or shut up. Simple as that. Please don't put up or shut up .

BornFreeButinChains · 21/03/2014 12:02

agree the body, but it seems op has been conditioned by years of this sort of abuse. they all have their slot in the hierarchy and thats it, have a moan then carry on as usual, in case of ....arguments which must be avoided at literally all costs.

BornFreeButinChains · 21/03/2014 12:03

but you must be able then to afford it. we simply couldn't pay our mortgage if we shelled out this money so at least you can afford to

very true, we dont even have this in savings .

BornFreeButinChains · 21/03/2014 12:06

as I've said he is great but his weak spot is his family

I don't know how long you have been 0n MN for, but its sort of well known here that in laws can break a marriage, its not just a weak spot, depending how bad it is, it does ruin marriages and a weak condition husband who falls into line like a little boy forgetting his other commitments, ie to his wife and children, is a classic scenario.

why does your husband taking a knock to his ego, matter more than absolity everything else?

Original poster

crje · 21/03/2014 12:27

There hasn't been yrs of grooming lol
I've spoken up several times ,at the time , mil gets a face like a smacked arse But I'm on the back foot this time.
I'm struggling to see what can be done after the fact , I think telling mil / bil our budget is the one that I'm happiest with.
If I go behind dh back in this then I'm not right either, I would hate that done to me . His family , he can sort it I've never rang bil before.
We will call over the weekend and talk to mil.

OP posts:

Teeb · 21/03/2014 12:33

I think that's the best idea op, setting a budget of what you are prepared to pay which is a lot closer to the original spend you had in mind.

It's very easy for your mother to be generous with other peoples money.

Teeb · 21/03/2014 12:33

*Mother in law

rookiemater · 21/03/2014 13:36

This is hard for you crje.

I think you are right not to go behind your DH's back and a conversation with your DH this weekend is in order, agreeing an amount somewhere between what you thought it was going to cost i.e. £300 and what it now looks like it's going to cost - £1000, say £500 each for your family and BILs family. That still equals over £60 pp.

Could you ring the restaurant and ask if they have any short menus for big groups - you could explain the situation to them. It's in their interests to keep your booking so they may be happy to find a solution for you. I wouldn't go ahead and change anything without your DH's say so, but at least that way you could go to him with a proposal that saves MIL's face - i.e. you all eat at the restaurant that she has chosen, but doesn't blow your holiday budget in the process.

Hope you get it sorted out in a way that works for all of you.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/03/2014 16:13

OP - did you speak to DH yet?

wizzler · 09/04/2014 21:55

I know I am very nosey, but I have wondered from time to time what happened eventually... any chance of an update op?

lemontwist · 09/04/2014 22:08

Yes, update please! Hope everything turned out ok in the end

Vijac · 09/04/2014 22:45

I think it is worth asking your mil in a non confrontational way if the extra people will expect to be paid for. Then say, we put aside £400 each, for a lovely meal for fil, but are worried that with 19 it will go over budget now. Ask if she has any thoughts. I really don't think I'd mine paying for a birthday dinner out with my family even if the birthday couple were being treated by their sons (and paying for themselves).

Vijac · 09/04/2014 22:50

Oooops out of date. What happened?!

Cerisier · 10/04/2014 22:35

Another one wondering what happened. I hope it all went ok and DH didn't spend too much. Did he realise how little you you both spent on DS's 18th?

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 11/04/2014 08:00

Come back and update us OP

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