To be more than annoyed when people inform me my children need a good smack?

[Slightlyneuroricnat]

It really winds me up.
Not so much the oldies who say " in our day I would have a got a whack for that " but people that can see I'm already having a tough time dealing with 2 toddlers, my eldest daughter is going through a phase ( I bloody hope ) of hitting everyone including me and we always have the same conversation, I don't hit you and you must not hit mummy, you've hurt me and now we are going home.
So we had this yesterday in a park and a lady informed me that I was " wishy washy " and what she actually needed was a good smack herself.
Am I being unreasonable to think she is an ignorant fool or am I some kind of martyr as I don't believe in hitting children?

Also, because OP's go-straight-home strategy isn't stopping the behaviour straight away doesn't mean that she's a failure. Some behaviours in some DC just take time to change, unfortunately.

I was always horrified by biting. Neither of my two DC had ever bitten nor would dream of it. Obviously that was thanks to my fab parenting. Then I had DC3. Aged 2, she bit her brothers on several occasions. Always immediate sanctions, of the telling off / naughty step variety. But she did it repeatedly. Now, aged 2.8, she hasn't done it for at least 3 months. Hopefully it's stopped for good. If she did do it again, I wouldn't hit her or bite her back, which I know some people advocate. For an adult to physically assault a small child is just wrong. It would feel very wrong to me to do it, regardless of how effective/harmless it might be for the child - wouldn't be for ME, I would be ashamed.

If a 3 year old is upset and expressing her feelings in a babyfied way by smacking her mum then smacking her back will not make her less upset just more, it will humiliate and shame her and as posters have said will just teach her that it's ok to smack people. It certainly wouldn't make the child think about her actions "next time".

Our ex DIL is portuguese and used to parent our GD in a very undisciplined way (smacking a lot) for nothing. She is trying hard to change and has to an extent bur our Gd is often sad and hits herself and it breaks my heart. YANBU at all.

Fusedog

Not it isn't. Can you explain logically why smacking works with a younger child but not with an older child?

In your ice cream example, you are telling a child that they cannot have something / do something if they misbehave. For a four year old that thing is probably an ice cream but as they get older whilst you still use the same principle, you just do it with something different depending on their age and interests e.g. screen time, trips etc.

Oh and adding 'ffs' does not make your argument any stronger.

My parents think that smacking me did me no harm and I am fine. They are wrong but I would never be able to tell them this.
Me too (four or five). It didn't stop me fighting with my brother, it just gave me a massive fear of authority. I still struggle to have a coherent conversation with authority figures.

YNBU OP!! What Kirk said. Wishy washy is don't do that dear. Being fucking feckless is doing sod all about your child's behaviour. Huge row with one such parent last year over this. OP I will tell you a little story. My Dad told me that my Dd needed a 'bloody good hiding' when she protested over going to bed - don't most children? . I asked him if his own dad hit him. Yes. Then I asked if he was scared of him "frightened to death" wasthe reply. You can punish a kid without scaring the shit out of them. After all you dont slap an adult every time they piss you off do we? However tempting .

Interesting catkind I was smacked at school once (just for getting maths corrections wrong) and I have the same problem with authority figures, it really colours ones life

Hmm. I never said I was pro-smacking. I just wondered why you would see hitting (which is pretty naughty and a no-no in this house!) as a 'phase'. DD has hit once. She hasn't done it again. She was told 'no' in no uncertain terms. A phase implies you're happy for it to continue until she grows out of it, or gets the message eventually- whichever comes sooner.

Clearly you removing your daughter from the park, or wherever, isn't having the desired effect, if she 's still doing it? I just think personally you need to get tougher over this. Maybe that's what the old woman in the park was really getting at? It's not just about what you do, it's how you do it! You've got to mean business, and your kids need to know that you mean business. They're like animals - can sense weakness a mile off! But I don't really know, I wasn't there. However, like I said, out of order really for the woman to comment, even if she was thinking it.

YANBU unless you were having a fag and playing with your phone while your child was misbehaving then no one else has a right to comment on how you chose to handle it.

On the smacking debate I do smack my children (6 and 3) and I find the argument that children who are smacked are more likely to be aggressive ridiculous. Yes, I know there are studies to back this up hut I think there are way, way too many variables for these to be accurate unless the researchers were there to witness every single episode where physical punishment is used, every episode where it's not and everything inbetween.

I think that a smack on the hands, not done in anger, when behaviour has been totally unacceptable has been very beneficial for my children and they are both well behaved kids and I receive compliments to that effect all of the time. I've never had the need to choose to smack them for being violent as neither have ever pushed, bitten, kicked or otherwise even as toddlers. They're very confident, vocal children as well so I don't think I've emotionally scarred them into being passive.

What I do find exasperating, although obviously much less so than inaction, is the same kid showing up every week at play group pushing and grabbing while the mum deals with it by time out or taking them home. Over and over again. Smacking may be seen as a lazy, quick fix but personally I don't see why my child should be physically hurt anything more than once by another child because their parent is putting in place a long term parenting strategy.

purple I agree.

But it is a phase like learning how to share or whatever purple L.O.s are discovering the world and what goes on (or shouldn't) in it. Just because it's anti social doesn't mean they need to be smacked for it.

YANBU, OP. I totally agree with you.

Last summer, a random (childless) friend of my grandmother came with her to visit DD. DD was about 6 weeks old, it was 9pm, they woke her up wanting to cuddle her. She wailed until she was handed back to me and allowed to snuggle down again. Stupid family friend told us she was 'spoiled and needed a good smack'. WTF?! She was 6 weeks old!!! I was so shocked and sleep deprived I didn't respond, which I've still not forgiven myself for. I really wish I'd told her she was the only person in the house in need of a good smack, IMO.

No, but neither should it mean that they should continue to do it - when your strategy for stopping them isn't working!!!

peppinagiro that's awful! :(

I was told DD needed to be smacked because she was refusing school Apparently the CBT, counselling and later anti depressants which sorted it out wasn't the answer for her, and mental illness could be cured just by hitting her. Wonderful strategy there, DM.

Yanbu although your explanation sounds too long to your daughter.

I've had success in either anticipating and intervening before a smack happens or (age dependant) tell them what to do instead of what not to do.

I also remember being at a party and a 2 year old was having fun dancing and getting a bit hyper. Not hurting anyone mind. His mum gave him a massive whallop across the bum! Poor boy looked shocked and most of us didn't know where to look. Horrible.

they are unreasonable to say it, by default, so probably also wrong

but . .

there are some very over talkative parents out there, super kind soft voice

'now now gideon, kind hands, poor tallulah, look shes bleeding. thats not nice is it. say sorry. (continues while child pointedly does not say sorry). we'll have to go home if you keep doing that. we dont hit. its not nice. kind hands darling kind hands. oh no, its not nice to ram that toy car up her nose. im sure she doesnt like that'

on and on and on and on

that can make ones thoughts turn to violence

I was regularly smacked from as far back as I can remember, until the 3rd week of December 1976. That was when, in response to being roundhoused in the head, I picked up a blade and told DM the next blow had better be my last or hers.

I am not a pleasant person or a very happy one.

I regard DD as my finest achievement: a cheerful and kind young woman. I certainly didn't listen to DM's suggestions over her childish tantrums, or the family would have another angry depressive on their hands.

and to all those on this thread who have been smacked and are not fine. to hear your stories and thank you for sharing them. I hope you have made some people think again.

I would never smack, I think its appalling to assault a child to teach them 'good' behaviour BUT i do find that some of my friends are quite 'wishy washy' in their approach in that they are almost pleading with their children not to hurt them! they will say in quite whiney voices 'o please don't hit mummy! that hurts!'

Whereas I was very firm and very cross if anything like that ever happened and luckily it hardly ever did - I don't know if that was my brilliant parenting or my daughter just didn't have that kind of temperament. Its hard to know.

All I can say from my intensive scientific studies is that the whiney pleading approach seems to have a zero success rate and those friends kept on getting hit.

And it did make me feel very upset/angry to see it. So I can understand why some people may feel they have to make a comment, but of course it isn't helpful and they shouldn't do it.

Of your children are so badly behaved other people feel the need to suggest the need a smack the issue is not being told they need a smack the issue is clearly the parenting and what ever non smacking discipline is clearly not working

I'd be intrigued to hear of any behaviour management technique that is 100% successful in preventing all unacceptable behaviour from happened ever. The problem with children is that they have to try the behaviour in order to find out that it is unacceptable.

You cannot assume that a strategy is unsuccessful unless you have seen it used on numerous occasions and seen clear evidence that no progress is being made.

I see no reason to assume that the OP's strategy is not working.

I was hit by my DM who had a right temper, smacking being ok seemed to open a door for lots of other violent behaviour as well, I.e pulling of hair, hitting with objects such as brushes, pinching all for what I now see as minor behavioural infractions. I do love my mum but I have a very difficult relationship with her at times and I don't think she will ever acknowledge the negative impact that had on my self esteem and anxiety throughout my life.

I was scared of her for many years and find it difficult not to be bitter about that. As much as I want to ensure my son grows up respectful, well behaved and polite, I am determined to do that without violence.

My brother smacks his children and it breaks my heart to see.

I'm sure it is not always going to lead smacked children to be violent savages it may have rather the opposite effect in some cases (I lack confidence and am fairly meek!)

YANBU and it sounds like you are handling the situation very well. Old lady sounds like a Draconian old bully.

Agree with Goldmandra.

I wasn't against smacking but I used to get those comments all the time when my toddler had a temper tantrum and the fact was I had tried smacking her and it was like pouring petrol on a fire.

'Children who are smacked are more likely to smack other children '

well how have you come to that conclusion.Certainly not true in the OPs family.And leave Blahblah alone, smacking is not child beating