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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be more than annoyed when people inform me my children need a good smack?

606 replies

Slightlyneuroricnat · 20/03/2014 12:02

It really winds me up.
Not so much the oldies who say " in our day I would have a got a whack for that " but people that can see I'm already having a tough time dealing with 2 toddlers, my eldest daughter is going through a phase ( I bloody hope ) of hitting everyone including me and we always have the same conversation, I don't hit you and you must not hit mummy, you've hurt me and now we are going home.
So we had this yesterday in a park and a lady informed me that I was " wishy washy " and what she actually needed was a good smack herself.
Am I being unreasonable to think she is an ignorant fool or am I some kind of martyr as I don't believe in hitting children?

OP posts:
Original poster
Slightlyneuroricnat · 20/03/2014 13:51

Of course I'm not just waiting for her to grow out of it.
Hence why everytime she does it she has / will continue to go straight home.

OP posts:
TheNumberfaker · 20/03/2014 13:52

Yanbu.

I'm so glad that the majority opinion seems to be that smacking is not OK.

ShadowOfTheDay · 20/03/2014 14:01

smacking is not ok in my opinion either....... you need to have effective strategies in place....

the title "when people tell me" implies you are told this often.... so your parenting is impacting on others ... perhaps this was the cause of the "wishy washy" comment rather than the not smacking.....

NoodleOodle · 20/03/2014 14:01

YANBU

I actually don't think that smacking is automatically wrong, and a strategic pop on the butt has worked for many people. Even where it had worked though, there were options available to that parent and if you choose to use a different option then that is what is right for you. I really don't think it is OK for a stranger to advise you to smack your child, or that you're wishy washy for not.

OpalQuartz · 20/03/2014 14:02

My parents think that smacking me did me no harm and I am fine. They are wrong but I would never be able to tell them this.

Me too.

fatpony · 20/03/2014 14:03

Smacking causes such a debate doesn't it. I think it's a bit broad paint brush to say 'smacked children hit other children.' Because there is always an example against - I was smacked by my mum and have never hit anyone. My nephew when he was about 3 went through a horrible phase of thumping his mother on the backside and she did all the 'we don't hit stuff.' Eventually, after months of this, my dad got fed up and smacked his grandson. Well it stopped straightaway-perhaps due to the shock as my dad is so gentle normally. That is not to say it works but everyone will have an example of a case where it hasn't worked and where it has.

dietcokeandwine · 20/03/2014 14:08

OP YANBU and I don't know anyone who routinely smacks either.

I just don't get why random people feel the need to offer unasked-for advice the whole time!

Dawndonnaagain · 20/03/2014 14:08

My parents think that smacking me did me no harm and I am fine. They are wrong but I would never be able to tell them this.
Me too. Except I did tell my mother and we don't speak.

pointythings · 20/03/2014 14:08

Smacking may work in some cases, but all things being equal and where the parent is not being wishy-washy and allowing their DC to get away with bad behaviour, it is always better not to smack. There are better ways. People should stop being lazy and use them.

youmultiplememurderer · 20/03/2014 14:09

Even if smacking worked all the time (which it doesn't) the ends wouldn't necessarily justify the means.

One thing I never read in these debates is that dc who are smacked frequently can associate pain with shame. My dsis once stood on a plug and the first word out of her mouth was 'sorry' Sad Sad Sad

Fusedog · 20/03/2014 14:12

Whatever op teach your children to behave then people won't suggest you give them a smack

They were clearly badly behaved enough that it was suggested

Scrounger · 20/03/2014 14:13

Smacking does work when they are young.

I wonder why it doesn't when they are older, oh yes, they can hit back.

As pp said I think it is illogical to smack a child because they are hitting you. My 3 year old can see the flaw in the argument that smacking a child will stop them hitting.

gamerchick · 20/03/2014 14:13

These threads never end well.. They rev up to fever pitch until people start getting posts deleted because they can't control their tempers. There may be irony in there somewhere.

Personally I think it teaches kids there will always be somebody bigger than them so it's probably better if they kept their hands to themselves in the first place.

That said it's usually always a good thing to ignore strangers advice when it comes to our kids.

Original poster
Slightlyneuroricnat · 20/03/2014 14:14

If my parenting is affecting an old lady in the park walking her dog I would love to know how.
If my daughter hits another child whilst out would be smacking my own make the parent of the hurt child feel better?
I doubt it, I know it wouldn't with me.
In fact, when my daughter was about 2 and pushed over a boys tower he had been building for a long time ( about 4 ) and he shoved her over the parent said to him when we get home I'll give you one of those and see how you like it.
It made me feel sick.
If I don't continue to take her out she will never learn what's acceptable and what isn't.

OP posts:
ElkTheory · 20/03/2014 14:16

I'm personally not in favour of smacking, and I don't like the message it sends. But I'm also not prepared to say it is always wrong. I know some parents who have chosen to smack occasionally and within the context of their extremely loving relationship with their children, I can't get on my high horse and judge them. OTOH, I know one woman who is so proud of her anti-smacking stance that she never bloody shuts up about it. But the way she interacts with her child is disturbing to me. When the child misbehaves, she removes his comfort object, places it somewhere he can see but not reach, and then taunts him about it. But she will tell all and sundry about her superiority as a mother because she doesn't smack her child (just reduces him to a state of sobbing misery for some minor transgression).

Obviously, it's not up to anyone else to wade in with their opinions about who "needs a smack." Busybodies should mind their own business.

OP, it sounds from your recent threads that you are really struggling. But this too shall pass! Thanks for you.

Original poster
Slightlyneuroricnat · 20/03/2014 14:16

Well of course she was badly behaved.
Hence why we was going home.
She hit me, she didn't hit the old lady.

OP posts:
Fusedog · 20/03/2014 14:19

Add message | Report | Message poster Scrounger Thu 20-Mar-14 14:13:17

That's the most stupidest thing I ever heard there are lots of things that don't work past give

Telling dd now 14 that he will get a ice cream if he's good no longer works should we ban that ffs

Of your children are so badly behaved other people feel the need to suggest the need a smack the issue is not being told they need a smack the issue is clearly the parenting and what ever non smacking discipline is clearly not working Wink

Original poster
Slightlyneuroricnat · 20/03/2014 14:20

Yes I'm not ashamed to admit I'm not sure if my new tactic of going straight home will be the one that works.
Many other friends have children who act in a similar way and it doesn't seem to bother them, but I would rather be the one to teach them now than they go ro school and a teacher is the one doing it.
Thanks for all the advice and opinions, I'll never agree smacking is right as I honestly don't think it is but clearly there's a divide on the issue.

OP posts:
Fusedog · 20/03/2014 14:22

And FYI

all the people who think the old lady was wrong is doing actually the same by telling others smacking is wrong

Just like the old l lady you are telling others how to discipline there child whom you no nothing about lol the irony

drivenfromdistraction · 20/03/2014 14:23

I was smacked, not hard and very occasionally when I was young. I can remember very distinctly (aged prob about 5) being aware that my DM had lost control of herself and was doing it as a release for her anger. I had been, and often was, very naughty and she was at the end of her tether.

tbh I think a 'measured', calm, 'disciplined' smack would have been worse - even more about power and control.

Like others, I would never tell my DM that it has left lasting effects on me, but it has. When I get angry, I physically feel the need to lash out as a release. I clamp down on it, and never have and never will even come close to smacking my own DC.

It's wrong.

tiktok · 20/03/2014 14:23

I think the difference is Fusedog, that the OP asked MN for opinions. She didn't ask the passer-by for hers.

drivenfromdistraction · 20/03/2014 14:24

Fusedog - we're not offering unsolicited opinions in parks. The OP started a debate about smacking and people are weighing in with their opinions on the subject. Very different to marching up to strangers and telling them what they should do in front of their children.

drivenfromdistraction · 20/03/2014 14:24

xpost with tiktok

bubblegoose · 20/03/2014 14:25

My parents think that smacking me did me no harm and I am fine. They are wrong but I would never be able to tell them this.

Me too. The dominant memories I have from my childhood are being afraid that my mum would hit me. It was never even hard, I don't remember pain, just the fear and anticipation that it would happen. I would never tell her this as now we get along great and she would be devastated.

I think you're doing the best you can, OP. I also have a toddler and get the sheer frustration.

ReadyToBreak · 20/03/2014 14:25

Doesn't help the OP but I was smacked as a child and my father's smacks did me no harm as I knew why I was being disciplined and they were rare, but my mother's smacks (and the rest) have affected me. She just lost it most of the time and we were just objects for her to take her frustration and agression out on. Interestingly, the "smacking" etc didn't stop whilst we were teenagers with her.

Overall I am unaffected and don't see a problem with the odd smack when absolutely necessary. There is a world of difference between that and abuse.

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