To be more than annoyed when people inform me my children need a good smack?

[Slightlyneuroricnat]

It really winds me up.
Not so much the oldies who say " in our day I would have a got a whack for that " but people that can see I'm already having a tough time dealing with 2 toddlers, my eldest daughter is going through a phase ( I bloody hope ) of hitting everyone including me and we always have the same conversation, I don't hit you and you must not hit mummy, you've hurt me and now we are going home.
So we had this yesterday in a park and a lady informed me that I was " wishy washy " and what she actually needed was a good smack herself.
Am I being unreasonable to think she is an ignorant fool or am I some kind of martyr as I don't believe in hitting children?

[ppeatfruit]

If you know your child is likely to be aggressive in social situations you make damn sure that you're watching and don't allow any 'banging a car on the head of another child'

I used to watch dd1 like a hawk when she was at toddler group because she used to pull other girls' pony tails if I didn't get in there first! You just remove child from the situation and say 'no' or 'not a good idea firmly', no smacking needed.

[MacBee]

My parents think that smacking me did me no harm and I am fine. They are wrong but I would never be able to tell them this.

And me. On the bright side though my mum has seen me with my children and conceded that the way I treat my kids when they play up is better than her way, as she put it.

[YoureAShoe]

My MIL used to have a slipper and said she'd use it on dd when she's older if need be. I made it very clear if she did that she would NEVER see dd people don't see anything wrong with it and tbh I think people that think it's okay are foolish.

[SleepOhHowIMissYou]

Hello smackers, question for you.

As it's okay to hit your small child to correct their behaviour, remember, they have under-developed brains and this is a sure way to get your message across effectively. Is it okay to hit the confused elderly when they play up? They have doddery brains and can often be annoying and not know what's best for them. In common with small children, they are frail and vulnerable too.

What's the difference here?

[Fefifo]

I'm not preparing any of my 'doddery brain'ed elderly relatives to grow up and into a world where their behaviour must be in line with what social convention deems appropriate. I am not an authority figure for them and not responsible for making sure that in the future their behaviour improves to a standard that they can make the safest and best choices for themselves and others that may be affected. What a ridiculous comparison.

It also seems that a distinction is not being drawn between a parent lashing out and spanking in a fit of temper and a single smack being delivered in a controlled way with warning given before hand and reasoned explanation after hand or do those against smacking really believe there's no difference?

[SleepOhHowIMissYou]

Why is this comparison ridiculous?

Have you been in an old people's home lately? Of course the doddery brained need to conform to social convention. It's not okay to wander round naked, and you most certainly should eat your dinner. Why is a controlled disciplinary smack, once they've been given a warning of course, not okay?

[CountessOfRule]

Why does smacking work? Shock and pain. In fact, a recent study said it is most effective when it is hard and sharp enough to hurt. All these taps on the hand are baffling. If you don't want to hurt them, don't smack them; if you think smacking works, hit them hard enough.

I have no doubt that children learn something when they're smacked. I just doubt very much that it's a lesson I want them to learn.

I've wanted to smack my children - my palm has itched to do so - but I would be doing it for my benefit, not theirs.

[Latraviata]

This thread has given me the best laugh I have had in ages. Must pop off now to beat my children

[ppeatfruit]

Well Fefifo If you don't take on board that smacking however controlled (i think that's worse than smacking when you're at the end of your tether btw) is damaging then you're not reading the posts from the adults who were smacked and it DID HARM THEM

[Fefifo]

By and large the reason the doddery brained elderly behave as they do is because they've forgotten how to behave properly because they've lost the capacity to remember, so there's nothing to be gained from smacking them because there's no chance it would affect their future behaviour so smacking them would serve as nothing other than a punishment which would be wrong as would smacking children just to punish them.

Who said anything about a gentle smack? Do you think a parent needs to have lost it in order to smack with enough force for the child to feel it?

[ppeatfruit]

Yes Countess and to continue to be effective it has to escalate.

[ppeatfruit]

What is your problem Fefifo? Are you afraid to lose control of your children?

I was bought up by my parents without smacking or EA and i did the same with my kids they are fine upstanding adults now.How did that happen without smacking then?

[CountessOfRule]

So was I, pp. Which is why I don't understand much about smacking except what I see in the supermarket which is rarely exemplary parenting...!

[Misspixietrix]

Social convention? Funnily enough the worst behaviour I've seen in a social setting has come from grown ups not children.

[SleepOhHowIMissYou]

Oh I disagree Fefifo, as weak brained as the elderly are, most know which of the careworkers are likely to give them a slap, they tend to remember, a bit like children really. That's how abusive carers get caught.

You haven't answered my question. Why is it wrong to hit these weak, vulnerable people in order to get them to toe the line?

[Fefifo]

Why does it have to escalate? I've never had to escalate beyond a very occasional smack on the hand and find that the threat is just as effective.
I also extremely rarely even raise my voice to my children in public and wouldn't dream of smacking them in public as The point isn't to humiliate them.

Erm, isn't everyone to some degree or other afraid of losing control over their children?

If you've never been smacked or smacked your own what makes you think you're in a position rate its effectiveness?

[BertieBotts]

Smacking isn't some magical discipline technique which always works, anyway. I've heard enough people say "Oh I tried smacking, it didn't work, X went back and did it anyway." My granny once told an anecdote about how my dad as a child would be warned about a potential smack so would come and get it in advance so that he could misbehave with presumably some kind of clear conscience

It's no better than anything else but has potential to be harmful. Personally I'm not keen on discipline which relies on a basis of punishment anyway because I think it's an outdated idea about the best way to learn. But I decided a long time ago that if you do need to use a punishment for some reason then it is absolutely imperative that it's something the child can handle. If you're relying on threat of punishment to invoke fear, then by definition the child cannot handle that punishment.

[BertieBotts]

Also unpopular opinion, but I do think that if they can handle it and aren't afraid of it, then it's no worse than any other often-used punishment, time out, removal of privileges etc. But I remember being scared of getting a smack so it's not for me and I don't like seeing it done/threatened, it makes me feel uncomfortable. Not sure why, possibly childhood memories!

[BertieBotts]

I don't like seeing people smack or threaten to smack dogs either.

[Fefifo]

You really think the example of a woman screaming at and smacking her children at the supermarket is the only context in which smacking is used? You don't think there's a small chance that the woman with the well behaved kids that she's laughing with and talking nicely too could be administrating the odd smack at home?

[Blu]

If anyone says this to you again, OP, just say 'a good smack? I see nothing good about hitting people'.

[Toadinthehole]

I was smacked as a child, and I blame it for my enduring dislike of cheese.

I'm unable to talk with my mum about this because she'd probably just laugh. Cow.

[SleepOhHowIMissYou]

Were you smacked Fefifo?

I find that behaviour perpetuates, it's often those who were smacked that smack themselves, "never did me any harm". However, this argument fails as this behaviour enforces the message that it's okay for someone who is in charge of you to physically hurt you if they see fit and gets passed on from generation to generation. It's a strong person who takes a stand and breaks the cycle, and huge respect to those on here who have done just this.

Where does this end? It's not the norm in adult life to hit people to get them to do as you want. This is called abuse. So why hit/smack/tap now, when in adult life you would be arrested for such behaviour.

[BertieBotts]

Hang on, Fefifo, you said "[it] would be wrong as would smacking children just to punish them."

What is smacking if it's not just a punishment? I thought the entire point is that it's a punishment, a deterrent.

[Retropear]

I think out of control shouting and weak parenting can be more damaging than smacking as a short controlled deterrent.I also think letting your out of control toddler abuse her sibling is extremely damaging.

I don't smack.

That said I once tapped dd's leg as she hit her brothers a couple of times during a very brief period.As we don't smack she had no idea that it hurt.I explained "it hurts look". She didn't do it again.

Couldn't give a stuff what anybody thinks.