To expect a 20 year old to pay towards the holiday?

[MrsRGervais]

Dh and I are looking at a holiday abroad next year. It will cost a fortune as the holiday is to incorporate 4 adults and 2 children. The adults are his ds's aged 18 and 20. Now the 18 year old has special needs so can't really earn money so fair enough but Aibu to expect the 20 year old to put something towards the cost?? I really begrudge paying plane and accommodation costs for him when he's an adult and we're struggling to afford it. He's unlikely to take any spending money either as every time we've taken them somewhere he's not brought a penny with him (yet is bragging on Facebook about spending over £100 on lord of the rings memorabilia!)
DH will do doubt hit the roof at the suggestion of not paying 100% of the cost of his eldest but Aibu to suggest that he contributes? I'd certainly ask for a contribution from my own son once he was 18.

I would be wondering why a 20 yr old would want to go on holiday with their parents.

That's kind of the point maleview. he probably doesn't, not really, certainly not enough to spend his own money on going, but his father and (probably) his brother who has SN would like him to.

When DS was a few months old and poor DH was working all of the hours in the world to give me some time at home, my parents offered me a holiday. They had booked a villa with enough room for me, the two kids and my sister. They would not accept a penny and insisted that our presence would make their holiday.

It was the most gloriously relaxing week of my life. Everyone helped with DD (3yo) and my only job was to breast feed DS. I know how lucky I am and I thanked them profusely but we are a family who love each other and who love spending time with each other.

The word entitled is being bandied about but I know that if I can afford to have the people I love around me and they are willing then I would pay for it at the drop of a hat. I will never forget that lovely week with my parents and DD still talks about it.

Not everyone is on the take and not everything has to be a bloody life lesson. Sometimes it's just nice to be nice especially with your children and I hope that one day I can do for my children what my parents did for me, I will never forget it.

As an aside, at the age of 20 I could just about manage a frozen meal from iceland so any holidays were gratefully received!

Well exactly bertie. One of my friends takes her sister and family on holiday every year because they all get on well together and it's the sort of holiday her sister couldn't afford to go to on her own.

If you've got no financial worries, why not use your money to fund spending time in beautiful places with the people you love?

maleview
Well my lad whose not that far off 20 wants to go on holiday with his parents because he likes skiing in France and Italy and mountain biking in Canada ( like his parents and brother!) and is looking forward to going to the Catskills next year.
However seeing that he is on £125.00 a week he wouldn't be able to afford to have 2 big holidays and a week in Spain each year. ( plus weekends away)
However me and his dad are more than happy to pay for it And can afford it without going without. He buys us a meal which usually cost more than his weeks wage.

If he expected the holiday or was a lazy git that was rude and entitles I wouldn't buy hip a packet of biscuits from Aldi let alone tke him away.
It's our pleasure and he is a nice young chap.

oddfodd. My feelings exactly.
I actively like my son and like to treat him now and again.

He also likes to take his dad out for a pint and us out for meals and helps with his brother. We do things for each other in our house!

I've booked a very special trip to New York in the autumn and I have, without qualms booked my 20 year old for free.

He can't afford to pay, he is on an apprenticeship.

Otherwise he could not come with us to celebrate his Dads 50th.

It wouldn't occur to me to make him pay. He is my DEAR SON!

Exactly flipchart. I plan to make our holidays more and more elaborate/enticing as DCs get older and I won't ask them to pay, I'll just be very happy that they come.

I hope they come because they want to rather than just for a free ride but realistically if faced with a choice of spending their cash on a family holiday or a lads week in Spain (or wherever they go these days!) I'm not going to win, am I?

If you start asking for contributions from adult children towards a family holiday many of them will opt not to go and to spend their money on something else. Basically the answer to "do you want a free holiday with your family?" is quite likely to be "yes, alright then, s'pose so" whereas "do you want to save up to have your holiday with us this year?" is very likely to be "no thanks, I'll make my own plans." Some may not go even if it's fully paid for, tbh, especially if their parents' choice of family holiday is not very exciting. I was desperate to get out of family holidays to wet parts of the UK involving walking, nature and visiting churches from about the age of 10- at 20 I would have needed to be paid quite a lot to go! So this is all about whether you and your dh want his son on the holiday (and it sounds like he does and you don't). If it's important to the family that he comes then you guys will have to pay. I think you've got the mistaken notion that he will love the idea of coming on holiday with the family and that it is a real treat and therefore, as it is an expensive treat, he should contribute. This is likely to be a profoundly wrong interpretation.

my dd is always welcome wherever we go, abroad she is there like a shot week in the caravan not so much dd and her bf probably will spend tome with us and time together to go and do early 20 something stuff I dont understand why people dont understand why grown up children would like to be with their parents (paying for them or not) not all kids want to go to Ibiza with their mates or trekking round india just because adult children spend time with their parents from time to time doesn't make them dependant or parents needy or whatever

maleview why not? Strange as it may seem, many children enjoy their parents' company and have shared interests!

The holidays that I (and my brothers) went on with them once we were adults were things like skiing and sailing. Hobbies which they had introduced us too, and were more than happy to still fund when we weren't yet able to.

Now when we go away with my parents, we pay for ourselves. But we are all earning good salaries and can afford it. They have recently bought a second home in another country, which we use free of charge so I suppose they are still subsidising some holidays to an extent, but they are acutely aware that due to house prices we may never have the level of disposable income that they did which allowed them to have lots of lovely holidays, and save well for retirement.

I'm 35 and my dad paid for me and DD to go to his wedding in Crete last year as we wouldn't have been able to afford to go otherwise. Him and his wife paid for all their grown up children. I think if he can't afford it YABU. If he was asking for his dad to pay for him to go on holiday with his mates then that would be different.

That's great, MrsJay.:) But I do think it's also very common for young people of around 15-25 to really be at a stage where they are pulling away from their parents/family, no matter how good the relationship. It's a developmental stage thing. I saw less of my then immediate family at that stage of my life than any other to date, I would say. Still loved them to pieces but it was all very long distance and hands off for one reason or another. And two holidays that my dad paid for entirely when I was 19 and 20 form some of my nicest memories of that time of my life. I certainly wouldn't have gone if he hadn't paid, both because I couldn't afford it and because they were entirely arranged around his interests rather than mine and because I was very preoccupied with various boyfriends/friends whom I wrongly felt were a million times more relevant and important than my dear aging p.

Holiday talk in my house is a bit of a moot point as we haven't been able to afford any sort of holiday for several years.

However, when I daydream about it I do fantasise about having a big "family" holiday which included all the children (though 2 are adults) - both DP's and mine - and, if we could afford to do so, and if we had issued the invite (as opposed to them asking if they could tag along) then I'd happily pay for the adult kids. I would, however, expect them to bring their own "spending money" - above and beyond the "usual" aspects of a holiday like excursions, drinks, ice creams (so long as they weren't asking every 10 mins) and meals. Whereas we'd give the younger kids money so they could blow it on tat.

Having said that, if one of those adults was a lazy bum who was making no effort to find work - or otherwise occupy themselves usefully while they looked - either by pulling their weight at home in practical ways or by doing volunteer work, I wouldn't feel inclined to pay .... for their own sake really, as being given stuff on a plate regardless of their attitude and effort wouldn't incentivise them to find work, or make themselves useful.

Disclaimer: I know how appallingly difficult it is for many young adults to find work right now. I wouldn't penalise them for making every effort but not getting a break, no way ..... but wouldn't be happy if they made minimum effort and never helped in the house etc. If OP feels her stepson falls into this category I can understand why she's written this thread. It's particularly galling if - through choice (rather than bad luck) he doesn't have much money yet expects spends when the younger kids who actually are children, and therefore incapable of finding their own money are expected to bring spending money of their own - presumably saved up pocket money and/or birthday/xmas money. If the OP's DH expects his younger kids to do that then there shouldn't be a different rule for the older one. First off - I think OP you need to agree with your DH that the same rules apply to ALL re: drinks and icecreams .... decide how many you think is reasonable ..... and of course, the older "child" shouldn't be favoured above the younger ones.

I do understand that your DH would want all his kids there - but at the same time he should appreciate your resentment if the 20 year old expects everything on a plate but is making no effort to become self sufficient. Maybe that is a wider issue and something your DH should be addressing - as much as one adult can influence another - by having some serious pep talks - and offers of support, advice etc. Otherwise, this sort of issue will just rumble on ......

yeah dd did the pulling away thing had a catsbumface everytime we suggested she come with us we did do a big holiday last year of her in school she came on that then no others until this year so she doesn't come every year IYSWIM i suspect it is just cos it suits them or they might be comfortable being with us , I dont think i am the cool parent or anything

We are planning a holiday wandering around Italy, DD 19, who is at Uni and DSD 17, doing A levels. I would never ask them to contribute to the cost of the holiday but I would expect them to both bring their own spending money. This is how we have always structured our holidays, even when they were little they would bring "holiday spends"

Both girls are also planning on going away with friends - they both work very hard academically and part time jobs.

I hope we will always go away as a family, even when they have families of their own. DH and I will always pay as much as we can possibly afford and they can cover any shortfall.

However, if either of the girls were lazy or didnt do anything I wouldnt be paying for a summer holiday.

Acylic. I agree with you about growing apart and initials found that hard when it first started happening. ( at the age of 15 DS1 went to a NYE party at the last minute and it was our first without him )

To be honest we are a close family. I go to spinning classes with Ds1. All four of us go to the pictures together, we eat out a lot and have weekends away and have great holidays BUT its perfectly normal and indeed healthy that both parents and children have time away from each other cultivating their own hobbies and interests.

I would hate all my social life to revolve round my DS's but on this thread we are talking about spending a week or two as a family.
Even on holiday we aren't chained together. The boys will cycle/ ski together some days and meet up with us on other days.

Holidays are to be enjoyed not endured and it doesn't bode well that the OP is already stressing about what her step son is and isn't paying for this stage.

I don't think we can say for sure that the OP is being unreasonable without more details and she hasn't been back to give more details.

If the 20 year old is at uni or in full time education then the OP and her partner should pay for the entire holiday.

If the 20 year old is on an apprenticeship / in a low paid part time job then the OP and her partner should pay for the entire holiday.

If the 20 year old works full time and earns £400 per week and has no overheads then he should pay for his share of the holiday and take his own spending money.
If he earns £400 per week then he should also pay for his board and lodgings (and his own car related expenses) and be financially independent. At some point children need to learn to pay for things themselves and not expect to have everything handed to them on a plate.

So I am inclined to say that the OP is being unreasonable, but not without knowing whether the 20 year old has a job and whether it pays sufficiently for him to contribute.

That's a really lovely post bertiesgal

I do think that "life lessons" are something that can get in the way of actually liking and being kind to your dc, I see it a lot on here and my parents were big fans of it. I don't have a good relationship with them now, no real bond.

I don't think "life lessons" should be forced tbh, unless a child is living an extremely rarified life then they will be coming up against the lumps and bumps and natural consequences anyway in every day life. I kind of think teaching your dc that their family love them and will always try to make life easier if they possibly can is a far more valuable lesson.

Agree with most of the posters here - if adult children are invited on a family holiday then try don't normally pay. However they should take own spending money and take you all out for a meal or something to say thanks.

If my husband's kids came with us we'd pay as they are still students, although they will often ask us for money to go away with friends and as long as it's not extortionate (they're fairly budget minded and their friends are usually skint as well) we give them it. Different when they start earning but then if we invited them we'd make it clear that we were going on holiday and if they wanted to come it would cost x amount.
If this lad isn't a student but just idle I'd discuss the issue of how he's ever to be financially independant with your husband but if he's keen for his son to come (and I still love spending time with my kids as they get older) then you maybe have to accept it this year and maybe his dad has a word with him about growing up and becoming independant and that next year he'd expect him to be paying his way.

To be fair to OP she does say that she and her husband are struggling to afford it. If DSS is really trying to find work and/ or is in full time education, I'd pay for him. If he's working or happy not to be working, I'd be cross about paying. If I had a history of paying for quite big treats that were accepted ungraciously/ ungratefully then I'd be even crosser.

well we went on holiday last summer with our kids aged 24,23,15,14 and we had an all inclusive whale if a time.

we all get on.

pressed too soon. they were invited by us and we didn't expect them to contribute.

This is our first year of empty nesting. DS1 is 22 and working in a not badly paid job. DS2 is at uni. We have decided to have a cheapish week away as a family, probably nice UK cottage, in September and we will pay for this, though expect DS1 might chip in with some wine or foody treats.

DH and I will have our main holiday together.

If DS2 really wanted to come away with DH and me we would pay until he has left uni, but the chances of this are about zero.