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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a 20 year old to pay towards the holiday?

381 replies

MrsRGervais · 19/03/2014 16:49

Dh and I are looking at a holiday abroad next year. It will cost a fortune as the holiday is to incorporate 4 adults and 2 children. The adults are his ds's aged 18 and 20. Now the 18 year old has special needs so can't really earn money so fair enough but Aibu to expect the 20 year old to put something towards the cost?? I really begrudge paying plane and accommodation costs for him when he's an adult and we're struggling to afford it. He's unlikely to take any spending money either as every time we've taken them somewhere he's not brought a penny with him (yet is bragging on Facebook about spending over £100 on lord of the rings memorabilia!)
DH will do doubt hit the roof at the suggestion of not paying 100% of the cost of his eldest but Aibu to suggest that he contributes? I'd certainly ask for a contribution from my own son once he was 18.

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 22/03/2014 12:17

brdgrl didn't you see the part where I said there was no obligation to provide a holiday for an adult child?

The problem the OP has is with her husband not her husband's son. I'm taking from her post husband wants his sons there; she didn't say what /where the holiday is other than they are struggling to afford it and it involves flights. The problem is not the son but the father who appears to think both his sons have to go.

Her options are to say

  1. 20 year olds don't need and probably don't even want to be on a family holiday. He's not coming.

Utterly reasonable stance to take. I'd be happy to support OP if that were the line she was arguing.

  1. Ok Mr OP,you don't agree- Fine you pay for him from your money.(I'm firmly in the own incomes/own accounts/own money to spend on what you want camp)
  1. If her husband doesn't have his own money then the family holiday will have to be scaled back to one they can afford.
Bowlersarm · 22/03/2014 12:22

Why aren't you taking your children because you can't be alone with your husband, mrsjay?

whatever5 · 22/03/2014 12:27

brdgrl Stop jumping to conclusions. I was assuming that they would be contributing half each for the total cost of the holiday and actually in that situation I think it would be reasonable if her children (his step children) are invited then he can invite his children if he wants. The fact that one of his children is 20 is a red herring in my opinion.

The final say can't rest with the couple in this situation because they don't agree. Don't you get that!!!!

2rebecca · 22/03/2014 12:28

Our over 18 "children" are still students so still dependant on us.

spidey66 · 22/03/2014 12:35

Caitlin.....my point was as floppyfanjo also says, is that the stepson, unless he is still in education, should be working and not freeloading off his Dad. He should at least make a contribution and/or provide his own spends if the holiday is not his choice, or his dad really wants him there.

wongadotmom · 22/03/2014 12:57

I wouldn't expect my adult DDs or DSD to pay towards a family holiday that we had booked. However we would accept a voluntary contribution if they could afford it.

mrsjay · 22/03/2014 13:04

Why aren't you taking your children because you can't be alone with your husband, mrsjay?

no i meant as a reply to the poster who thought people were strange for taking adult children because they were in bad relationships sorry about my confusing post -i am a wee bit hungover

Original poster
MrsRGervais · 22/03/2014 15:58

Hi again, thanks for the replies on this. Not read them all yet (when I left the thread there were about 10 replies, now there's 333!!!).

A few points - DSS was doing an agriculture course at college. Level 2 for a year, then level 3 - all of this was around 2 days a week and half the time he didn't go as he "slept through the alarm". Since the college course he has been doing volunteering here and there so fair play to him for that - but we're talking one day a month or so. He says he's looking for a job but he clearly isn't. His first excuse was that he didn't have a car so couldn't possibly work. We refused to buy him a car but his mum gave in and provided the car. Now his excuse is that he doesn't want to miss out on volunteering as it's the only way he'll get a job doing what he really likes. I can see his point (slightly!) but wouldn't we all like to sit about waiting for the ideal job to come to us and expect everyone around us to pay our way?

He does get money, I'm not sure where from but he's just spent £60 on a new playstation game so he must get money from somewhere.

Anyway, no he never asked to come but DP is assuming he will want to. Ok so I'm being unreasonable to expect him to pay a contribution towards the actual cost of the holiday but I still insist that he should surely bring spending money! not for everyday food and drink but for the alcohol, sweets and toys that he always asks for (surfboard/new sunglasses, waterproof headphones etc).

Last year he asked DH to take him to watch a band. So he took him - he then continuously asked for beer all night. DH at one point said "didn't you bring any money?" and he replied "no sorry, I'm a bit skint at the moment". So DH runs off to the cash machine!!! in my world, if I'm skint, I don't get to go, simple as.

And yes, as I already said I WOULD expect my own kids to contribute and they already take their own spending money.

OP posts:
Impatientismymiddlename · 22/03/2014 16:09

Based on that update it sounds like the 20 year old is lazy. Volunteering one day a month is not sufficient. He needs to either be actively seeking work, go back into some form of study or volunteer a heck of a lot more to gain experience and build his CV.
It sounds like he pretty much has everything he wants handed to him on a plate. Is he signing on the dole? He needs to sign on so that he can be forced to actually job seek / access training and his parents need to stop giving him handouts to encourage him to try and gain some employment.
Unless he is actively trying to improve his current employment / study status I wouldn't take him on the holiday. When he makes an effort on more than one day a month he will deserve a free holiday.

Ragwort · 22/03/2014 16:40

Based on what you have said there is no way I would take this 20 year old on holiday, he is clearly free-loading off someone and how can he afford to spend £60 on a playstation game? Your DP sounds like a disney dad who just can't bear to say 'no' to a grown up 'child'. Volunteering one day a month is a joke.

whatever5 · 22/03/2014 16:54

Presumably he is signing on and gets job seekers allowance. I think it is up to his father to decide whether or not his son is "deserving"of a holiday and whether he wants him to go.

I certainly agree with the OP that he should bring spending money. Perhaps warn him in advance that he needs to bring some or he will go without alcohol, sweets and toys etc.

Pipbin · 22/03/2014 18:36

I have never been on holiday with my parents!

It sounds to me that this whole problem with the DSS is actually with his whole attitude and that you don't like home very much, not that you want him to pay his way.

I too am shocked at the number of people who wouldn't charge their DCs housekeeping if they were working and living at home.

brdgrl · 22/03/2014 19:06

The final say can't rest with the couple in this situation because they don't agree. Don't you get that!!!!

Why are you so rude, Caitlin? Seriously. I am happy to have a civil discussion with you, but you seem determined to be unpleasant about it.

As I said - The final say doesn't rest with the parent, it rests with the couple. If one of them vetos a completely optional luxury purchase, I'd actually say that was good enough!
So yes, I have already addressed the issue of a 'tie'. If they don't agree, the money doesn't get spent. This is hardly a radical statement. Of course, if you are happy for your own DP to send large cheques to his mother/cousin/best friend/adult child without your agreement, that is your prerogative - but I assure you, the OP would scarcely be alone in her objection!

And please, again, do stop repeating yourself about the OP's issue being with her DH, not her DSS. The OP has never suggested anything else, and neither have I...actually, the only people who seem determined to make this about her relationship with her stepson, are those like you who refuse to take her statements at face value.

brdgrl · 22/03/2014 19:07

Ok so I'm being unreasonable to expect him to pay a contribution towards the actual cost of the holiday but

No, OP, you're really not.

Bowlersarm · 22/03/2014 19:17

......Yes, OP, you are.

Spending money is one thing, a contribution is quite different.

Caitlin17 · 22/03/2014 19:19

brdgrl your rant at about my being rude is ill-judged. I didn't say the sections you quoted. I look forward to your apology.

whatever5 · 22/03/2014 19:41

The final say doesn't rest with the parent, it rests with the couple. If one of them vetos a completely optional luxury purchase, I'd actually say that was good enough!

Firstly I doubt the the OP's DH would agree that having his child on the family holiday is a "luxury purchase". Secondly, I don't agree at all that one partner has the right to automatically "veto" a purchase because they disagree with it. Unless a couple are having financial difficulties, that sounds very controlling.

brdgrl · 22/03/2014 20:03

You are right, Caitlin, I made a mistake, that should have said whatever5. I apologize for making a mistake about who said what, I am sure you know that it happens here. I am sorry.

Now, please do not pm me again to tell me off. You can say things here on the boards where everyone can read them. Thanks.

Caitlin17 · 22/03/2014 20:18

brdgrl we're not even that far apart- I think we both agree there's no obligation to take the 20 year old on holiday but how they are going to resolve it if money is tight, is not clear.

I don't think one partner has the right to veto purchases by the other but my partner and I have always had our own incomes.

brdgrl · 22/03/2014 20:33

Yes, if the DH has a separate account and contributes a set amount to the household, and OP has a separate account and contributes a set amount, and they have agreed that the 'leftover' money is each of their's to spend as they please, and DH then wants to subsidise his adult child through his own 'spending money', I agree that would be his choice. On the other hand, the OP says "we're struggling to afford it", so that suggests to me that they are jointly paying for the holiday, with the costs impacting the entire household. I am bothered that so many people seem to think that the OP has less say over their shared finances because she is a stepparent, than they would accept as a spouse/partner themselves. There was a thread only last week about the distribution of household income, and it was very clear on that thread that most people believed shared finances meant joint decision-making. (There were those who had separate accounts, like you, and found that worked for them too.)

Either way, I still think that the OP would be entitled to an equal opinion about who came on the holiday, but at least the financial aspect would be clearer. I imagine a lot of people would feel very differently if the person the DH wanted to bring was his mother, for instance.

whatever5 · 22/03/2014 20:55

I am bothered that so many people seem to think that the OP has less say over their shared finances because she is a stepparent, than they would accept as a spouse/partner themselves.

I don't think that the OP has less say over their shared finances because she is a stepparent. I just don't agree with you that if one person in a couple doesn't agree with a purchase that they have the right to veto it. DH and I have a joint account and we do discuss large purchases but that doesn't mean that one person can tell the other they can't buy something they really want to purchase.

Ragwort · 22/03/2014 20:58

Whatever the outcome of all this is I doubt very much that any of you are really going to enjoy the holiday Sad it is obviously so full of resentful feelings and emotions.

Caitlin17 · 22/03/2014 20:59

Agree on your last paragraph too. There's a family dynamic they need to sort out which will get worse when both of his children reach adulthood.

To be honest I think ideal situation, if it were affordable would be to ditch the full family holiday, OP and husband go on holiday with the younger children and dad and older son only have a separate long weekend/ city break together, if Dad can pay for it. Unfortunately sometimes it is money which solves problems.

Impatientismymiddlename · 23/03/2014 08:39

DH and I have a joint account and we do discuss large purchases but that doesn't mean that one person can tell the other they can't buy something they really want to purchase.

Well if my husband went ahead and purchased something out of joint money after we had discussed it and I had said that we can't afford it and I don't want to purchase it then I would be mighty annoyed and it would be the source of a huge argument. It is disrespectful to use joint money for a large purchase if one of you vetoes the purchase. Likewise, I would expect the same reaction from him if I used joint money to make a large purchase that he had vetoed.
Joint money belongs to both people and both people should agree on how it is spent. One person should not just go and buy something large out of joint money without the other persons agreement and to do so is selfish, disrespectful and rude.
If people have separate bank accounts or separate spending money then they can decide how to spend it because it belongs to them and will only impact on their own cash flow.

whatever5 · 23/03/2014 09:09

Impatientismymiddlename- I don't agree. I would be annoyed if DH purchased something expensive anyway without discussing it with me but if he had said that it was something he really wanted then that would be that unless we had financial difficulties. We are both adults who earn money and I would be seriously unimpressed if he tried to control what I do and don't buy and I'm sure he feels the same. If I was married to someone with that controlling attitude, I would keep our finances separate.