To expect a 20 year old to pay towards the holiday?

[MrsRGervais]

Dh and I are looking at a holiday abroad next year. It will cost a fortune as the holiday is to incorporate 4 adults and 2 children. The adults are his ds's aged 18 and 20. Now the 18 year old has special needs so can't really earn money so fair enough but Aibu to expect the 20 year old to put something towards the cost?? I really begrudge paying plane and accommodation costs for him when he's an adult and we're struggling to afford it. He's unlikely to take any spending money either as every time we've taken them somewhere he's not brought a penny with him (yet is bragging on Facebook about spending over £100 on lord of the rings memorabilia!)
DH will do doubt hit the roof at the suggestion of not paying 100% of the cost of his eldest but Aibu to suggest that he contributes? I'd certainly ask for a contribution from my own son once he was 18.

floppy same here!

Some people must have lots of money !!!

join us

Absolutely key phrase.

Forget the whole who pays for the holiday for a moment, and even whether or not the SS "deserves" to be invited - and paid for - if he's currently making no effort to find work.

What I find more disturbing is that this young man expects to have "extras" paid for by his dad - yet that same dad thinks it's okay for the younger kids to provide their own spending money. I can't see that as anything other than favouritism - and if that's the case, I can appreciate why the OP feels disgruntled at the whole overall situation. I wonder if there's a history of this particular "child" being favoured ?

Again, if an adult child of mine was in dire straights through no fault of their own and I could afford to treat them to a holiday then I would - and that would include spending money if necessary. However, it wouldn't happen if said child was "financially embarrassed" through choice - i.e. making no effort to improve their lot, and it certainly wouldn't happen if I knew they had some money of their own to spend on fripperies. And no way would that "kidult" be getting spending money if younger kids weren't (and there were no extenuating circumstances applicable to the older one).

By the way the OP talks about them, I don't think they're his kids. And is it the OP insisting on them bringing their own spending money or her DH? Who knows? :o

We would love the four of us to go on holiday together but that hasn't been practical for the past couple of years as DS1 (23) works freelance so never really knows when he can take time off. Last time the four of us went away we ended up having to make complicated arrangements for him to join us. DS2 is 21. Last year and this year my DH and I are going it alone which is great but we do miss having them around. We enjoy their company and our best family memories are from holidays. It is my 60th in a couple of years and I have a savings policy due to mature so hopefully then we will be able to afford to take the four of us away together somewhere lovely.

Althouigh I love my family dearly I can't wait for the time when I can a) go anywhere I please without having to take into account the cost or needs/wants of others b) spend some quality time relaxing in the sun just me & DP - you know, lazy lie ins,romantic meals and just pleasing ourselves....

I would never have expected or wanted to holiday with my DP's as an adult and I expect they would have felt the same about me coming- mind you MIL once came when we had a second "cheap week" abroad one year and OMG never again (I think she probably felt the same)

I have great plans for exotic locations for when the DS's no longer come away from us - forget practical villas or holiday villages,sod trying to find a location that has something for everyone,bugger taking turns choosing how to spend the day or finding a restaurant that pleases everyone after years of the above my Holidays are going to be about me me me................

I'm quite gobsmacked at some of the views on this thread. I'm not a parent, but when I started working at 19 (nearly 30 years ago....where have the years gone?) I gave money to my parents each week. It wasn't a huge amount, and my parents didn't need it, but I gave it all the same.

It was the done thing back then and not out of the ordinary at all.

No I've never resented them for it at all, it was a lesson in budgetting and responsibility. To suggest otherwise would be like suggesting I resented them for making me go to school daily, or visit the dentist regularly, or do the dishes at times. We all have to learn that there are things we don't want to do that have to be done.

As for a 20 year old not doing anything....it was work or education. There wasn't a 3rd option.

The holiday thing wasn't an issue. I stopped going on holiday with them at about 17. After that any holiday I wanted was paid for by me (except for when they moved back to Ireland and once, as a student nurse, they paid for my flight over there for Christmas.) My first independent holiday was to a holiday camp in Filey for a week with my best mate.

Spidey we get it- you have a fantastic work ethic. That's not the point. The key words in your post "any holiday I wanted was paid for by me" We're not dealing with a holiday the son wants but one his father wants him to go on to accompany his father and brother.

Caitlin - did the OP say anywhere that it was the father that wanted the 20 year old to accompany him and his other son? Do we know whether the 20 year old asked / expected to be invited?

Are the 2 under 18s the OP's kids and the 2 "adults" her husband's? If so and if he is the main wage earner he maybe feels he would like his own kids to go as well as his wife's. My husband's kids are older than my kids but we are still quite territorial about them and if his kids aren't getting something and mine are and his kids can't afford it then he would feel it was unfair.
It's easier to talk about age cut offs etc if all the kids are joint.

The under 18s are the OPs the adults are his. From the tone of her post I'm taking this to be a "family" holiday the parents have decided on which involves all the children having to come/being invited to come.

Given her sense of grievance I'm sure we'd have been told if the 20 year old had actually asked to come.

Actually, I think the point is that the OP is like every other spouse entitled to an equal say to her DH in how her household income is spent and how the holiday is arranged.

She has asked is she is BU to expect a contribution from a 20-year-old who has some spending money (as evidenced by his purchases of luxury goods.)

She's not.

But spidey's point is entirely relevant, given that your own argument, Caitlin, seems to be that most parents are dying to pay for their kids, no matter what the circumstances, and the only reason one wouldn't is a sense of grievance or a general nastiness. Spidey, and others, have been pointing out over and over again on this thread that there are many other reasons and many other situations. One size does not fit all.

It is nice to see there are many parents speaking more reasonably on this thread, but there is the usual camp of 'I can't separate valid differences in parenting choices from my prejudice about stepparents' as well.

"rebecca, that's sad.
Does your DH take into account what his children may have already have?
My own DSC had many lovely things, including very nice holidays, when they were small, and their parents were in a period of relative financial strength.

There is a big age gap between them and DD. I think DH and I, if we think about it in terms of 'fairness', would be trying to give her more of the same opportunities that the DSC had when they were small, rather than giving them all the same opportunities now.

If the DSC had a summer holiday every year as children, but DD can't have summer holidays as a child because we would be unable to afford to take the financially independent 'over 18s' and therefore can't go, I would see that as far more 'unfair'.

DH and I are in agreement about that. The children under 18 are still dependent upon us, and will be our financial priority. Anything given to a 'young adult' is a gift, and not an obligation.

I have an adult DS who's 27 plus a 4 and 11 year old. I would NOT pay for the oldest to come on holiday unless he hadn't had a holiday in years and couldn't afford to go through no fault of his own.

I don't think that it matters that in this case its a step child, Its the fact that at 20 the SS is in fact now an adult and should be paying his own way and not free loading off his parents.

The oldest had numerous holidays payed for when he was a child -but my job as a parent is to prepare my children for the big wide world and that includes them learning to decide on priorities,earning a living for the nice things in life and teaching them that you have to work and save for things like holiday,learning that they are a privilege not a right.

brdgrl your own final sentence contradicts what v you have been saying. Anything given to the older children is a gift not an obligation. You don't ask people to pay for gifts.

There is nothing wrong in not asking adult children on "family" holidays but if you're the sort of person who OP' s husband seems to be that it's not a "family holiday" unless they are all there then you pay and tailor the holiday to one you can afford.

It's fair enough for a parent to not want to pay for their adult child to go on holiday with them. However some parents do want their 20 year olds to come, including the OPs DH and there is nothing wrong with that either. You can't have an "equal" say in this situation so I think the final say should be the parent not the stepparent, particularly as he is expected to pay for her children to go on holiday with them.

floppy, the only difficulty with that is that parents equally have to accept that having your adult child accompany you on holiday is also a privilege, not a right

you can't demand that young adults spend their (often limited) income on the kind of holiday that middle-aged parents want

we have no idea what kind of holiday the 20yo would choose for himself if left to his own devices

but there is a fair chance it wouldn't be one that his dad and stepmum would want to come on

There only seems to be a small minority on here who are looking forward to holidaying without their children - much as I love my teenage son, our ideas of holidays are totally different and I wouldn't have dreamt of holidaying with my parents passed 14. ALthough I do now holiday with them - in my 50s .

I have friends who still pay for their adult children (early 20s) to go on holiday with them, actually I think it is rather sad that the parents can't enjoy time together and feel they have to have their grown up children with them (one friend admits this is why she pays for the children to come ).

OP is, after all, only asking for a contribution. Huge assumptions on here that the 20 yr old won't want to go, or that his Dad should feel grateful he's going. There are loads of holidays 20 yr olds would love, even if with family rather than friends. Skiing. New York. Caribbean for example. I really can't see how it's unreasonable to ask an adult to contribute something to a holiday like that. Ridiculous at his age that he's never even taken his own spending money before.

brdgrl your own final sentence contradicts what v you have been saying. Anything given to the older children is a gift not an obligation. You don't ask people to pay for gifts.
Not a contradiction, at all, Caitlin, exactly my point. A holiday, all-expenses-paid, is a gift. The OP is perfectly reasonable to see it as a gift they can't afford. Rather than an obligation. She is not obliged to provide a gift to her adult stepson. And yes, if the money comes from their household, as the OP pretty clearly suggests, then the OP is jointly providing the gift.

You can't have an "equal" say in this situation so I think the final say should be the parent not the stepparent, particularly as he is expected to pay for her children to go on holiday with them.

This is absurd. "he" is expected to pay? The OP doesn't say who earns the incomes in their home - it may be that she is the main earner, or it may be that they take the (extremely common) view that the household income is a shared resource. Why should the OP's husband be able to unilaterally OK a large expenditure? This is totally appalling. The final say doesn't rest with the parent, it rests with the couple. If one of them vetos a completely optional luxury purchase, I'd actually say that was good enough!

My own DH is a part-time SAHD/part-time employee, finishing a course. I am more or less the sole earner (his PT income is negligible and more related to training than income). In what universe would it be fair for him to decide to spend a large chunk of my earnings, our budget, on a gift for his adult child? Not in my universe, I can tell you that! (and for that matter, we discuss any^ large purchase, whether for ourselves or for one of the children.)

Interestingly, there was a very recent thread on here regarding the division and use of household finances for children, and the consensus was deafening. But now it involves a stepparent, it appears some people can't see beyond that.

There are loads of holidays 20 yr olds would love, even if with family rather than friends.
We went on a very, very, very nice holiday last year, with kids aged 18, 16, and 3. I paid every cent of it (although the kids used their own spending money for souvenirs and gifts for friends). It was a big splash-out, partly because we knew it was possibly a last 'vacation with all the kids'. I had some extra income from a side job, and spent it on the holiday, rather than putting it away more sensibly or deciding it was for my own DD's university fund or holidays when she is 20!

The 18-year-old definitely wanted to be there. If we did a similar again this year (which we won't be doing), she'd would be gagging to go.

Ragwort, don't assume that everyone in favour of paying for adult dc to holiday with them have poor relationships with their partners.

After nearly 30 years together dh is my favourite person in the world. I adore him. We are happily planning romantic breaks and holidays when the dc are old enough to be left at home.

But we are also happily still planning family holidays with them. Just because they become adults at 18 doesn't mean we suddenly want to stop spending quality family time with them.

There will be a window of time between 18 and 20 something where hopefully they will still want to spend time with us before they have families of their own.

So yes we want holidays with just the two of us in a few years. But we also still want holidays with our dc. And are very happy to pay for them, especially as I doubt they will have a high income.

Bowlersarm i quite like my husband too I am not taking my children with us because i cant be alone with him either