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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a 20 year old to pay towards the holiday?

381 replies

MrsRGervais · 19/03/2014 16:49

Dh and I are looking at a holiday abroad next year. It will cost a fortune as the holiday is to incorporate 4 adults and 2 children. The adults are his ds's aged 18 and 20. Now the 18 year old has special needs so can't really earn money so fair enough but Aibu to expect the 20 year old to put something towards the cost?? I really begrudge paying plane and accommodation costs for him when he's an adult and we're struggling to afford it. He's unlikely to take any spending money either as every time we've taken them somewhere he's not brought a penny with him (yet is bragging on Facebook about spending over £100 on lord of the rings memorabilia!)
DH will do doubt hit the roof at the suggestion of not paying 100% of the cost of his eldest but Aibu to suggest that he contributes? I'd certainly ask for a contribution from my own son once he was 18.

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 20/03/2014 22:02

I think the holiday is an excellent place to start - and telling him to bring his own spending money is the first step. Unfortunately man-child's dad doesn't seem to think his baby needs to put his hand in his pocket at all

And on that note, having spent most of my evening on MN talking about complete strangers and their holiday arrangements - - I will bow out and head to bed. Night all

brdgrl · 20/03/2014 22:09

Look, if a couple agrees that they are financially comfortable enough to take guests on a paid holiday without significant impact on their finances, and that they wish to do so, then of course they are free to take whomever they please. There is of course an argument to be made that it may not be in the best interest of the young adult to do so, that - as said above - it infantalizes or enables them - but yes, ultimately that is the choice of the couple to make. Just as they might agree to spend money on a car, or a holiday with another couple, or an expensive gift for a mother-in-law, etc etc etc...

But that is not the case here. The couple don't agree, and they are struggling to afford it. The Op is well within her rights to object to the idea. Just as those who wish for their household income to be spent on this particular luxury, are entitled to do so. But do stop insisting that the OP 'ought' to make that particular choice.

Technical, I would really hope that you would feel differently about accepting the generosity of someone who actually was struggling to afford it and doing it under duress.

Technical · 20/03/2014 22:10

His father isn't under duress

brdgrl · 20/03/2014 22:16

Obviously I am referring to the OP.???
You know, one half of the marriage.
Whose household income is being spent on a major, optional, expenditure.
that OP.

Bowlersarm · 20/03/2014 22:18

That OP who wants to exclude her stepson, when his father clearly wants him to join them on their family holiday.

Technical · 20/03/2014 22:21

Yes, but the disagreement between Op and her Dh is not the son's issue. It would be very unfair to expect him to support Op (if he even knows how she feels) when his father is happy to pay for him.

missinglalaland · 20/03/2014 22:24

Practically speaking, your SS doesn't have any meaningful amount of money to contribute, aside from perhaps his own pocket money.

So, you have to decide if you want to invite him or not.

Sounds like your dh wants his whole family to go and therefore would be happy to pay. You don't feel the same way. The issue is between you and your husband.

brdgrl · 20/03/2014 22:29

The OP hasn't suggested excluding the stepson. She has said that she doesn't want them to pay his way.
If that excludes him, practically speaking, that's a shame, but not the OP's issue. He's an adult. It may be a pity he can't afford to go on holiday. Not her issue.

brdgrl · 20/03/2014 22:32

If you invite a friend to have dinner with you at a fancy restaurant, and they can't afford it, they can say "sorry, I won't be able to come." You are not obliged to treat them, although, again, you certainly may if you like. The OP does not like.

Bottom line, it is the OP's household income being depleted here, she has a right to some say in the matter. She has said that they would struggle to afford it. That's that.

Technical · 20/03/2014 22:33

Yes, she has a right to a say, which she should take up with her DP, not the son.

brdgrl · 20/03/2014 22:37

Technical, what are you on about? The OP hasn't suggested anywhere that she's doing anything OTHER than taking it up with her DP. That's a red herring...

Iggi101 · 20/03/2014 22:39

Brdgrl you write about whether a couple is financially able to take "guests" on holiday with them, and I think the crux of the matter is right there - those who view an adult dc as a guest on the holiday will never see this issue the same way as those who would view an adult dc as still one of their children and therefore automatically to be included on the holiday.

Tinpin · 20/03/2014 22:50

OP's stance is absolutely fine so long as she does as she says and asks for a contribution from her own children when they are 18. If her children are still quite young she might find that she feels very differently when they reach that age. My children saved up and took their own spending money from a very young age, but I'm paying for my 22 year old daughter to come on holiday with us this year. She is a medical student and couldn't afford a holiday if we didn't help. I do think the OP's stepson needs to get a better work ethic however it is sometimes difficult for parents of young people to realise that their child is now actually an adult and I guess OP's husband feels like that.( For all those with their under 10's thinking what a load of rubbish - just you wait!!)

brdgrl · 20/03/2014 22:56

Iggi, could you please answer my question upthread, then? When does it stop? If it isn't about the parents' finanical resources, if it isn't about the adult child's income and level of self-sufficiency, then is it at a certain set age? Surely there is an endpoint - or do parents on a small fixed pension, for example, still have an obligation to take their adult high-earners (and maybe their adult high-earner's own family!) on a Family Holiday?

Surely it is for each family to arrive at a solution based on needs and resources. The not-so-subtle implication that a parent (or stepparent) who really loves their child will pay for their holiday is a bit nauseating, truly.

Iggi101 · 20/03/2014 23:03

No obligation to take, surely as years go by it's more the other way around - the parents want their adult children (and possibly gdcs) to go away with them, and they get to choose the location etc.
I had a holiday last year with my parents, accommodation paid for - we could not have afforded this, and would prefer just to camp ourselves, which parents couldn't do. If we'd needed to pay, we wouldn't have gone. In return they have open invitations to come and stay with us. But then I have a dm who would fight me to the death to pay for the coffees when we eat out - I think there is a bit of a generational (possibly cultural) thing there about supporting dcs and not taking your money to your grave etc.

Oldraver · 20/03/2014 23:06

5ft I think you are right, this is just a variation on a theme

OP what about the sons G/F, did you forget about her ?

brdgrl · 20/03/2014 23:13

We aren't taking any money to the grave - we'll be lucky to have money FOR the grave!

Iggi101 · 20/03/2014 23:14

Quite! Yes I think my own dcs won't have such a cushy time when they fly the nest. Sadly.

brdgrl · 20/03/2014 23:27

And since my 80-year-old mum has just told me she has to declare bankruptcy, :( she and my dad are in no position to be paying for our holidays, even if they (or we) thought that would be a nice thing to do.

I think there is a certain amount of privilege underlying the assumptions on this thread. That all parents are financially better off than their children...that surely the OP could really just be more generous, there's no real struggle there...that children of any age are entitled to their parent's hard labour, regardless of their own efforts. It is a very foreign way of thinking to me. People can't all afford to live like this, actually.

My DSD has more spending money than I do, every month. I work 56 hours a week at two jobs. My salary goes to support a family of five (including her at the moment). Her money goes to clothing, nights out, holidays with friends, and other lovely things, which I don't begrudge her - she is a young girl with a bit lot of disposable income, and enjoying that. But I draw the line at depriving the other children of things that we can't afford if we continue to give her money she doesn't need, in the form of holidays or otherwise. We are struggling. She is not.

SallyMcgally · 20/03/2014 23:41

You're talking eminently good sense brdgrl.

brdgrl · 20/03/2014 23:47

phew, thanks, sally.

Picturesinthefirelight · 21/03/2014 00:00

My parents were significantly more wealthy than my grandparents. They used to take them on holiday too when they were alive.

nooka · 21/03/2014 00:49

My parents gave each of us a special holiday the last summer we were at school and then stopped inviting us. As I was the youngest that mean that there were a few years when I went on holiday with them and my siblings did not. There were also years when they did the special holiday with one of my siblings and I stayed with grandparents or friends instead. It didn't cause any resentment or issues, and I will probably do something similar with my children who are currently younger teens. At the moment they get a bit of holiday money and are expected to save pocket money for extras that we don't feel like paying for.

As older adults my parents have taken us each on holiday a few times, because they are very generous, they want our company and also because they didn't want to come visit us (dear sis and I both emigrated and they weren't so keen on staying with us more than once). However they are much richer than us, we offered to pay, and we certainly took our own spending money!

Impatientismymiddlename · 21/03/2014 08:15

Caitlin - I borrowed 4 times my salary, which some of the doomed building societies were allowing at the time. Over 4 years I had managed to save almost £17k. I had worked from the age of 16 and lived at home with my parents contributing to board and lodgings (£120 per month). Practically everything else that I earned I saved, except travel to work and other essential living costs. I think after the small amount of tax and NI that I was paying I used to take home about £700pm and was probably saving around £400 of that. Perhaps it wasn't sensible to borrow 4 times my salary, but I didn't struggle with the mortgage which I think was around £200 per month as I was used to not spending very much on non essential items. Looking back now I don't regret a thing because I wouldn't be able to get on the property ladder now had I not built up some equity in my younger years when property was cheap.

whatever5 · 21/03/2014 08:24

I don't think that people assume that at all. It is just that many parents (as opposed to step parents, it seems) would like their 20 year old to go on a family holiday with them. Most people also recognize that a holiday chosen by parents isn't that brilliant a holiday for a 20 year old and the majority would do something else if asked to pay the full cost if the had the money (i.e. go on holiday of their choosing with friends).

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