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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a 20 year old to pay towards the holiday?

381 replies

MrsRGervais · 19/03/2014 16:49

Dh and I are looking at a holiday abroad next year. It will cost a fortune as the holiday is to incorporate 4 adults and 2 children. The adults are his ds's aged 18 and 20. Now the 18 year old has special needs so can't really earn money so fair enough but Aibu to expect the 20 year old to put something towards the cost?? I really begrudge paying plane and accommodation costs for him when he's an adult and we're struggling to afford it. He's unlikely to take any spending money either as every time we've taken them somewhere he's not brought a penny with him (yet is bragging on Facebook about spending over £100 on lord of the rings memorabilia!)
DH will do doubt hit the roof at the suggestion of not paying 100% of the cost of his eldest but Aibu to suggest that he contributes? I'd certainly ask for a contribution from my own son once he was 18.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 20/03/2014 19:55

Of course they could - your values and morals don't change that significantly, and the fact that the OP's DCs are taking their own spending money would indicate that she already believes that they should make some kind of contribution - a stance that her DH and his ex would do well to copy, before their man-child of a son becomes too dependent on others for his living.

Caitlin17 · 20/03/2014 19:57

brdgirl parents can stop a family whenever they want to. I see no obligation to provide one at all. It'd be a bit mean to go on holiday on your own when they are under 16 (unless they actually were happy to be left at home, many 16+ might be) but after that the concept of an obligatory "family holiday" is a bit weird.

This thread seems to be at cross- purposes between those of you who think grown up children will be delighted still to go on family holidays and those of us who think it'd be bloody nice of them to come but really they have better things to spend money they don't have on.

Technical · 20/03/2014 19:57

Agree Bowlers. When DS1 was 6mo/3yo/5yo/11/yo... I had all sorts of ideas about how he would be raised/treated/behave. Not much of it has actually happened the way I thought

SirChenjin · 20/03/2014 20:06

So you would be happy for a 20 year old, who doesn't go to university or work for a living, to come on holiday with you without making the slightest contribution to the cost of the fortnight or his spending money?

floppyfanjo · 20/03/2014 20:08

The OP quite clearly says that they are struggling to pay for a Holiday for 4 adults and 2 children - I priced up a first choice hol to rhodes and it came out at over 5k for 2x adults and 2x DC (holiday village in july) so we're not talking a couple of hundred quid here !!!

The SS is 20 and an adult and chose to spend £100 on lord of the rings stuff - I wonder how much "pocket money" the OP has each week left to spend on herself ? Probably not as much as the adult SS,who incidentally has an earning potential that he himself has decided not to utilise.

I love my kids and enjoy their company just as much as any other loving parent but I'd be dammed if I'm going to work overtime or make sacrifices to take another independent adult on a bloody holiday esp as they appear to have more spare cash for non essential spending than I do !!!!

Shonajoy · 20/03/2014 20:11

No to be honest, I wouldn't. I'd tell him to bring a bit of spending money but I'd just be glad we were having a family holiday. We plan on doing an all inclusive with our 18 and 20year olds, they're both at uni and I wouldn't expect them to pay even if they weren't tbh.

SirChenjin · 20/03/2014 20:15

Would you pay for them if they were making no effort to study or find work?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/03/2014 20:23

The introduction of tuition fees will make it possible for us to pay for our 2 DS' uni education AS WELL as paying for their holiday so this discussion will kind of become irrelevant for most parents paying to out their child thru uni. When I was at uni all tuition fees were paid for by the LA. I didn't get any maintenance grant because my parents' income was considered too high so I lived at home for the first 2 years. So my uni education was relatively painless for them, money wise.

For US, I am already dreading having to find the money. Our household income means that our children will receive minimum student loan allowance - we will have to stump up the rest, along with any part-time job they have. I am already wondering how we will manage it, even though it's 8 years away, as we will still have a large mortgage then. The idea of us being able to afford our own holiday then - never mind to pay for our Ds's - is just laughable.

whatever5 · 20/03/2014 20:30

So you would be happy for a 20 year old, who doesn't go to university or work for a living, to come on holiday with you without making the slightest contribution to the cost of the fortnight or his spending money?

He's not going to be able to pay for his flight/accommodation if he isn't working though is he? The choice is whether to invite him or not. If they invite him they will have to pay. They should tell him to bring his own spending money though.

brdgrl · 20/03/2014 20:46

If he is 5, she hasn't a clue how she will be feeling in 13 years time about this. No one could.
But you know how you feel about it, somehow. Interesting.

Of course they could - your values and morals don't change that significantly, and the fact that the OP's DCs are taking their own spending money would indicate that she already believes that they should make some kind of contribution
This.

So far I have been able to stick pretty well to the parenting ideas and values I have held for the last 15 years.

SirChenjin · 20/03/2014 20:58

He's not going to be able to pay for his flight/accommodation if he isn't working though is he

He can spend £100 on Lord of the Ring tat and run a car - so there is money coming in. Perhaps he should be encourage to think about paying his own way and contribute to some extent, rather than relying on hand outs. At the moment he doesn't even plan to bring spending money, and if I've read the thread correctly the OP's DH doesn't see anything wrong with that - which isn't helping his man-child to grow up in the slightest.

whatever5 · 20/03/2014 21:12

He can spend £100 on Lord of the Ring tat and run a car - so there is money coming in.

Presumably the £100 for Lord or the Ring stuff comes from job seekers allowance or his mother. He isn't going to have enough to pay for flights/accommodation if he is not working so there is no point asking him to contribute. The issue is whether to invite him or not. I agree that he should be told to bring spending money though.

SirChenjin · 20/03/2014 21:20

It doesn't matter where it comes from - the fact is, he has money available. Rather than wasting it on tat, he should be encouraged/made to think about using it to pay his way, as an adult. The issue isn't whether he should be invited or not, the issue is, as the OP says in her OP, "Aibu to expect the 20 year old to put something towards the cost"

The answer to that, of course, is no, YANBU to expect him to contribute some of the money he has for his car/LotR tat towards the cost of the holiday, be that spending money, a contribution to food, or a contribution towards the cost of the holiday. Very few self-respecting adults would go on a holiday paid for by other adults, and not put at least something towards the overall cost.

whatever5 · 20/03/2014 21:28

Very few self-respecting adults would go on a holiday paid for by other adults, and not put at least something towards the overall cost.

That is rubbish. As demonstrated by many of the replies on this thread, the majority of 20 year olds would be happy to go on holiday with their parents without contributing to the cost (apart from spending money).

SirChenjin · 20/03/2014 21:30

Exactly - but he's not taking spending money!!! He's contributing nothing - which is why the OP posted in the first place!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/03/2014 21:31

"Very few self-respecting adults would go on a holiday paid for by other adults, and not put at least something towards the overall cost."

Exactly this. You're not giving your grown-up children the chance to gain that self-respect if you are giving them handouts for everything till they're well into adulthood while they use their own money as "pin money" to fritter on well, fripperies in the same way children spend their pocket money on Match Attax or Moshi Monsters cards. You are infantilising them.

SirChenjin · 20/03/2014 21:33

Precisely Curly.

brdgrl · 20/03/2014 21:34

As demonstrated by many of the replies on this thread, the majority of 20 year olds would be happy to go on holiday with their parents without contributing to the cost (apart from spending money).
Well, not really "demonstrated" - this question hasn't been asked. Some posters (notably not 20 year olds) have volunteered the fact that they do take their children and don't expect any contribution. Others have said that they do expect a contribution, or that they did contribute themselves as young adults. Others have not addressed this particular question. So really, this hasn't been "demonstrated". You might get away with saying that the posts here show that at least some 20 year-olds do go and don't contribute.

I think "self-respecting" is a key phrase here, too...

brdgrl · 20/03/2014 21:37

The truth is that some posters won't be happy unless the OP says he is welcome to come and to contribute absolutely nothing, no matter what his or their financial circumstances. Some have come right out and said so!

Because she isn't supposed to have any say in the matter. [rolling of eyes...]

brdgrl · 20/03/2014 21:39

An unemployed 20 year-old who is able to spend his JSA or whatever on LOTR toys clearly isn't in charge of enough of his own responsibilities. Period.

whatever5 · 20/03/2014 21:45

I think "self-respecting" is a key phrase here, too...

It is ridiculous to suggest that only 20 year olds with no self respect would accept a free holiday from their parents. I paid for my own holidays with friends when I was 20 but if my parents had invited me on a family holiday at that age I wouldn't have expected to pay for accommodation or food. I really doubt that the majority of 20 year olds would be any different.

The fact that he didn't bring spending money is very annoying but all they have to do about that is tell him to bring some and refuse to buy him stuff if he doesn't.

Technical · 20/03/2014 21:49

When I was 19 I went on holiday with a friend and her parents. They paid for almost everything ( I think I did pay for my own flight) but they took us out for dinner and met all the accommodation costs. We provided our own spending money when we were apart from them but they paid when we were together.

I think I have and had a decent amount of self respect but it never occurred to me not to accept their generosity and they would have been offended if I had.

If it had been my own parents I would have been equally happy to accept

SirChenjin · 20/03/2014 21:52

The OP explained in her first post that her DH doesn't think that the man-child should have to put his hand in his pocket at all - which is utterly ridiculous. He (and the ex) have infantilised him, and it's no wonder the OP is frustrated.

SirChenjin · 20/03/2014 21:53

And the difference between you and the man-child Technical is that you provided your spending money and your flight. He intends to pay for nothing.

Technical · 20/03/2014 21:55

I agree that there are lots of issues regarding the lad's financial independence and management of his finances that need sorting out. I don't think this holiday is the place to start (beyond telling him he will need his own spending money)

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