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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to buy my son a dress for his 3rd Birthday

412 replies

thebadwife · 19/03/2014 12:14

Just that really, I have always tried to dress my son in the most practical clothes for the activities of the day. The colour has never been important, which when was younger led to him being assumed to be a girl as often as he was a boy. Sometimes he wore leggings but mostly standard trousers, t-shirts and jumpers nothing particularly exciting, experimental or political.

However I have just had a daughter and my friends and family have been very generous and given us some lovely clothes for her which have included a few dresses. My son has always commented positively when I wear dresses, but has been really jealous of these tiny dresses and has asked several times if he can wear them. I told him they were too small but I would buy him a dress for his birthday in May. I have mentioned it to a few people and they have looked at me like I am crazy.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
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Caitlin17 · 19/03/2014 16:46

There does seem to be a double standard on this forum given I've seen many posts about how evil anything pink, sparkly and frilly marketed at girls is. It isn't even a defence if girls choose it themselves as it's not a real choice but conditioning and clever marketing.

minouminou · 19/03/2014 16:47

Occasionally DS will get something that's new, and there's a couple of friends with older daughters that have passed on dresses to him, as well as smaller dresses for DD.

It's the OP's son's birthday...I reckon she should get him the dress. It's interesting how most of us think that the amount spent on the dresses makes the cross-dressing more extreme.

Goes off to walk the dog and ponder this.

MrsDeVere · 19/03/2014 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsRuffdiamond · 19/03/2014 16:48

He's three. It doesn't matter what he wears! If the op was forcing this on him to demonstrate how gender neutral she is, then of course it would be wrong, but she isn't. Her ds is mad keen to have a dress.

Surely, given our cultural norm, it is highly unlikely that an older boy is going to opt to wear dresses anyway, unless as a result of a fundamental need. It's hardly an easy option.

If it is just a phase, that's fine. he'll have got it out of his system. If some years hence it turns out not to be, then how great that he knows he has parents who are broadminded enough not to care what he dresses in.

5madthings · 19/03/2014 16:49

Yanbu my kids have always loved dress up and we have a massive collection of fancy dress and also bits from h&m and charity shops, ds3 had a fabulous pink silk party dress given to us by friends that he loved even at about 6-7yrs, he also had a tinkerbell outfit and a purple fairy outfit, vidiya? From tinkerbell and friends along with a purple tutu.

He still wears the tutu over jeans! It's play and at school in rec, yr one and yr two lots of the boys did dress up in fairy dresses etc.

I had a thread on mnet about it and git slated, I was apparently making him like girls stuff ad I have four boys, I also have a daughter.

Lots of comments about how I was making him a target for bullies, actually he was and still is a very confident little boy and has not been picked on for his love of pink and sparkly and fairies.

My friends three yr old regularly wears a fairy dress, including when out on school run etc, it's a non issue, he is three.

H&m has some good bits that are cheap, let him choose :)

5madthings · 19/03/2014 16:51

At toddler groups and pre school it's perfectly normal to see little bous in fairy outfits and tinkerbell outfits, nurse dresses etc.

5madthings · 19/03/2014 16:52

Funny it's fine for girls to be tomboy, encouraged intact but not ok for boys to like 'girls thing's as its somehow seen as less than or inferior.

minouminou · 19/03/2014 16:53

I've had a few "Modern Parents" comments, but mainly from people who know us too well to believe this is actually true.

One good friend (and supplier of dresses) says that DS is just a Bowie/Iggy Pop type of dude and says "so what?"
That's pretty much our take on it.

Ask why the "cross dressing" is such a one-way street....
That's where the real issue is.

LetTheRiverAnswer · 19/03/2014 16:54

I wouldn't want to make a big deal out of it, but I do think that its worth induldging a bit. My now five year old always seemed drawn to girls clothes. They just appealed to him. So we looked at dresses when we were in town, talkied about what he liked a bit. It turned out it was the patterns and colours. I didn't buy any dresses, but I did buy a kaftan! It was from Next though, so not really outlandish. But mostly he was happy with 'pretty shirts'. Nice patterns like birds or paisley- a bit girly, but definitely from the boys section. He still opts for these types of clothes over the more typical cartoon, superhero or striped clothes.
He doesn't want to be a girl, he just has quite a strong sense of style, and I think looking at dresses aged two or three was the start of that. Let him experiment, but you can do it in a socially conventional way as well as full on dresses.

minouminou · 19/03/2014 16:55

YY 5MadThings.
DS has never been bullied or hassled. He's v confident and popular and is actually quite macho on the sly.

Original poster
thebadwife · 19/03/2014 16:57

I love the idea of the dressing up box for a birthday present, I have saved loads of stuff from my youth to go into one but assumed it would't be needed until he was a bit older or he stopped being quite so focused on trains.
But I don't agree that giving him a dress/frock for a birthday present would make it a big deal for him. Although it would clearly be a big deal for some of the adults in his life, and I would be judged for it. Its sad really.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 19/03/2014 16:59

Buy him one if it'll make him happy. Maybe let him pick one out?

Bollocks to anyone sneering about 'liberal parent credentials'. a) It's nice for a parent to do something to make their kids happy and b) what's wrong with being liberal anyway? Hmm

thegreylady · 19/03/2014 17:00

I wouldn't unless it is a 'dress up' dress like fancy dress. It is your responsibility to help him feel good about who and what he is at every stage of his life. Dressing up can be great for role play etc but putting a 3 year old in a dress otherwise is your choice not really his.

5madthings · 19/03/2014 17:00

Yes do a dressing up box he is the right age to start loving it! Ours has hats and scarves and beach wraps and all sorts of bits in it as well as the usual super hero outfits etc. I bought a big fluffy scarf and floaty scarf/beach cover up the other day to add to our dress up box, it's over flowing now we have a big basket and an extra box for accessories I got some bif 50's style glasses with clear lenses that dd loves from poundland!

LetTheRiverAnswer · 19/03/2014 17:02

Sorry, I didn't mean buying it for a present would make it a big deal. I was trying to say the opposite really. Its not a big deal. Just that for my ds it wasn't the dress as such, more a type of pattern. He did and does enjoy dressing up, but the bit that lasted has been the 'pretty shirts'.

squoosh · 19/03/2014 17:02

I said that OnlyLovers. And I wasn't actually 'sneering'.

Nothing wrong with being liberal, I approve wholeheartedly. I meant get the dress if he really wants the dress not because you really want him to wear the dress to prove you're a cool parent.

OnlyLovers · 19/03/2014 17:03

putting a 3 year old in a dress otherwise is your choice not really his.

How? He's asked more than once if he can wear a dress. That's quite clear, isn't it?

I find all this really sad. There wouldn't be any handbag-clutching if someone said they were thinking about buying their DD a pair of dungarees well there might from the real lunatic fringe

PiddlingWiddling · 19/03/2014 17:05

What about buying a mans 'dress' from another culture, a kaftan, a kilt,a hula skirt, a mans sarong (a lungi?) or an Arab 'thawb' or something similar.

Lots of options that wouldn't cause any questions.

OnlyLovers · 19/03/2014 17:05

squoosh, I didn't mean you specifically (a few people have said it or phrases like it). I thought the OP was quite clear about this thing being fuelled by her son's request for a dress, not any desire on her part to score liberal or gender-neutral 'points'.

resipsa · 19/03/2014 17:13

Off topic but can you buy Lightning McQueen pants for girls (ie without the pouch?). DD asks daily for them. I'd have guaranteed BF status for, oh, a whole day if I could get some...

5madthings · 19/03/2014 17:17

resipa My dd has some but they were her older brothers, she wanted dinosaur pants I just bought her boys ones. She is three and I got the shorts style one and they fit fine, she loves them. We have some from John Lewis and some from m&s.

5madthings · 19/03/2014 17:17

The shorts style don't seem to have the pouch like briefs do iyswim.

ElkTheory · 19/03/2014 17:24

Buy him a dress. Why not? He wants one, I'm sure he'll love it.

Little boys are often attracted to the sparkly pink glittery stuff that is marketed to girls, but the gender divide has become so strict WRT children's clothes and toys that many parents seem to think they are Not Allowed to cross that sacred boundary. A dress for a little boy? That would really cause the vapors for some people. But in reality, it is no big deal. Just an article of clothing, after all.

MummyPig24 · 19/03/2014 17:27

My friends son is 4 and loves dressing up in princess dresses, there's no harm in it.

missmarplestmarymead · 19/03/2014 17:39

I have never seen a boy out and about in real life wearing a dress. At what age would it cease to be ok or would it always be ok?