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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so upset at nursery for this

166 replies

Newbeginning1 · 13/03/2014 18:46

DS is 4 and attends a nursery and yesterday when I went to pick him up, I was told he'd called one of the staff members 'stinky Sarah'.

When I was told, I admit I found it funny and I turned my head to the left so my son couldn't see me and laughed. It wasn't a belly laugh, it was a small laugh and my child didn't see.

Today, when I've gone to pick DS up, I've been taken upstairs by a member of staff to talk about it. Apparently the staff are concerned about my DS because of what he said and that he laughed when he was told off (I wasn't made aware of that) and that I laughed.

When I've challenged them back on what exactly I'm being spoken to about its that I laughed. My response is that I don't get why the staff member didn't just say to me that they're taking it seriously or that it upset the member of staff rather than going behind my back like that.

He only has 5 months left before school but I just feel like the trust has gone completely from the nursery and that I want to move him.

I need some honest advice please.

OP posts:

chocolatemademefat · 14/03/2014 11:12

I think you SHOULD take him out of nursery. And give the staff a break from his rude name calling. Its their job - they dont look at every child and see a thing of great wonder and hang on their every word. Thats only you. And you should be setting him a better example. You sound about as funny as he does.

BookABooSue · 14/03/2014 11:21

I think asking for a meeting to clarify their concerns is a good idea op and I hope it goes well. I'd just like to add if after the meeting you don't feel comfortable or happy with the nursery then do look at some others. Not all nurseries are equal and not all nurseries suit all children.

SauceForTheGander · 14/03/2014 11:28

The OP has said she misjudged and is going to apologise to the nursery. She has taken on board the criticism.

Hope it gets sorted out OP.

LouiseSmith · 14/03/2014 11:31

YABU - you shouldn't have laughed. If my four year old said that to anyone teacher or child he would be matched over to apologise.

And as for the going behind your back, they tried talking to you in the first instance and you laughed in there faces. You would want it dealt with if the shoe was on the other foot op?

feathermucker · 14/03/2014 11:37

Sometimes though, you can't help letting out a little smirk, even though you know you shouldn't.

In that respect OP, you were 'wrong'

At the same age, and up until maybe a year ago, my son (now 7) would occasionally laugh or giggle a bit when reprimanded by an adult who wasn't me (in a nerbous kind of way)

I agree that the nursery should have mentioned it to you, and told you he'd laughed. This should have happened at school pick up in an appropriate place, as private as possible. Then you should have dealt with it as you see fit. However, this didn't happen - you laughed, they didn't tell you in the best way either. That's probably what led to the current situation.

It is hardly a heinous crime though, and certainly not worthy of the righteous indignation of some posters on here

Yes, he shouldn't have laughed, but I've heard 4 year olds say far worse than that.

feathermucker · 14/03/2014 11:43

Also, he is only 4, so still taking in 'etiquette', manners etc.

My 7 year old said something rude to the teaching assistant at school. Although it was mildly amusing, and I did giggle in private (as did my friends), I talked to him and made him write a letter to the TA.

Some people have been ridiculous by saying things like 'your poor son' etc.....

Quinteszilla · 14/03/2014 11:43

How many times will he see you laugh at his name calling and unkind treatment of others, before you take it seriously?

You need to act the first time a child does something wrong, that is called parenting, they need your guidance. You cant just laugh it off until it becomes a problem because then you will just ensure that it becomes a problem. How is he to know he has done something wrong if you are laughing?

Until then, what message have you given, by laughing?

Quinteszilla · 14/03/2014 11:47

I just saw the update.

I know it is hard not to smirk, smirking is something I am currently trying to "whip off" my 11 year old.... You have reinforced to me why it is important he learns this. Thank you.

SauceForTheGander · 14/03/2014 11:56

Yes feathermucker I agree. AIBU is the Internet equivalent of the stocks.

CinnabarRed · 14/03/2014 12:05

Did you really find it funny?

As opposed to the smirk being a nervous reaction?

I could get it if you were 'meh, not a big deal in the general scheme of things' - I wouldn't personally agree with you, but I can see that others on this thread hold this view.

But I can't quite get my head around a grown adult actually laughing at the phrase 'Stinky Sarah'. It's toddler humour.

Gen35 · 14/03/2014 12:10

So you've been told yabu, and now you're passive aggressively trying to out this back on nursery by asking for a meeting? You should just leave it. I wonder if your DS is picking up a dismissive attitude to nursery staff from you. It's 5 more months, I'd just want to forget about it, you made a minor mistake, DS is fine, no reason to do anything else.

LithaR · 14/03/2014 12:33

And this is how bullies are created. Good job OP. :(

Viviennemary · 14/03/2014 12:37

You should have behaved in a mature way and told your DS this was unacceptable. Instead you laughed. YABU.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 14/03/2014 12:39

Sorry I cant get past that a staff member was upset at being called Stinky Sarah by a 4 year old. Sounds to me like she isn't in the right job.

OP, I probably would have hidden my mirth a bit better, but I do think its all been handled very OTT. Just smile and nod your way through the next few months.

Bursarymum · 14/03/2014 12:40

YABU - you shouldn't have laughed. That gives the impression you think it's no big deal for your child to insult others. If you laugh how will he ever learn correct behaviour?

Bursarymum · 14/03/2014 12:40

I agree with Litha

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 14/03/2014 12:43

And bullies are confirmed by their sad little blue faces and over the top suggestions, and "your poor son" comments.

Original poster

Newbeginning1 · 14/03/2014 12:50

LithaR - I think it's really unkind of you to say that this how bullies are created and imply that's what I'm allowing my son to become.

Gen35 - how am I being passive aggressive?

Thank you to everyone for their replies.

So to update today, I've called the nursery and apologised to the person that spoke to me for my very emotive response to the conversation yesterday which I feel better about doing.

We spoke about how I need to be given all the information such as him laughing when being told off at the time when I'm informed of the incident which I wasn't. I've also asked that if we need to have a discussion in the future that they call me ahead of time in the day to let me know they want to talk to me so I can prepare myself rather than just being jumped on in nursery. Not literally of course.

I smirked at what my DS said from a it could be really much worse point of view and yes, I did also find it funny and that is my humour. I however, made a conscious effort to not allow my child to see that and I spoke to him to reinforce what nursery had said. I've agreed with nursery that I won't smirk again and I've asked what they expect me to do in terms of getting him to apologise and they're happy that he shouldn't be made to do it again which I support. That's not because I don't think he should but it's been dealt with by nursery.

When I said my child had had a bad week, he got told off for shouting on Monday because he kept shouting someone's name to get their attention which once again I'm fairly relaxed about. My child is still learning patience and every time he does that to me, I remind him that he has to wait etc and in time that will come.

If he had shouted some swear word or something then it would absolutely be different but at the end of the day my child is 4 and he can't be perfect all of the time.

I really do appreciate that for some of you that goes against your values and I respect that but I would also ask you to please respect how I choose to raise my child.

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 14/03/2014 12:51

Sorry I cant get past that a staff member was upset at being called Stinky Sarah by a 4 year old.

I would doubt that she was all that upset, TBH. Far more likely that the nursery wanted to reinforce to the OP that it's not a laughing matter (which it isn't really) and went about it in a heavy handed way.

If the OP hadn't smirked then I very much doubt that anything more would have been said.

PuppyMonkey · 14/03/2014 12:53

All those saying this 4yo is a bully in the making - I'm guessing you're assuming the nursery worker IS actually a bit on the whiffy side and the little boy shouldn't be so cruel as to mention it? Is that why you think it's so bad. He couldn't just be, you know, doing the equivalent of calling someone a "big poo poo head" - my DD's favourite insult at that age. Isn't he just coming up with a silly little phrases because he's cross and FOUR YEARS OLD? He's not actually making a comment about whether this nursery worker is a bit smelly? Hence, I don't think it was such a terrible crime that the op laughed.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 14/03/2014 13:01

OP you sound like youre doing a good job . Also sounds like you and your DS have a good relationship and you sound not too up your own arse, which is always a good thing when parenting.

Hes 4 at the end of the day. To put that into perspective it was a mere 4 years ago that he couldn't do anything on his own and he was in your uterus. Hes still a baby, learning his way.

Minor incidents such as calling someone "Stinky Sarah" will not turn him into a bully, no matter how many times people say it will.

Bursarymum · 14/03/2014 13:09

From your child's poverty, of course he's only 4 and it's normal for 4 year olds to sometimes come out with this stuff. But you have to be seen to do the right thing by not making a joke of it.

Bursarymum · 14/03/2014 13:09

Point of view, not poverty!

NurseyWursey · 14/03/2014 13:15

I absolutely hate it when people laugh at their children's bad behaviour, whether you think it's funny or not you need to surpress it.

I have a woman on my facebook, she's always posting 'funny' stuff her child has said. The latest was
'cory said to me today 'mum have you been eating chocolate' and I said 'no y' and he said 'oh you must just be talking shit then' lol dunno where his got that from so funny'

Obviously yours isn't HALF as bad as this and you did refuse him the sticker, but still, laughing is just affirming behaviour.

BornFreeButinChains · 14/03/2014 13:21

At this age children are very aware of smells and looks.

My DD is always telling me or DH that our breath smells, when leaning over to strap her in car and so on,
I read somewhere maybe on baby center not to take it personally, that its just how they see things.

My dc tell me I must eat alot of fat because I am so fat. .

she was and is being truthful, I told her it wasn't polite to say things like that but its the truth.

I think this is a storm in a tea cup, if there are wider issues with your son not taking direction then fine, this was the straw - camels back,

but if your son is generally OK then I would be questioning the nurseries response here.

As an aside, one does wonder if the worker IS smelly...

Peoples smells personally don't really bother me, like they do some people on here, however, if Sarah really is so stinky,..then maybe this also needs to be addressed as after all she is working in a people facing role, in close quarters.

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