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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset at nursery for this

166 replies

Newbeginning1 · 13/03/2014 18:46

DS is 4 and attends a nursery and yesterday when I went to pick him up, I was told he'd called one of the staff members 'stinky Sarah'.

When I was told, I admit I found it funny and I turned my head to the left so my son couldn't see me and laughed. It wasn't a belly laugh, it was a small laugh and my child didn't see.

Today, when I've gone to pick DS up, I've been taken upstairs by a member of staff to talk about it. Apparently the staff are concerned about my DS because of what he said and that he laughed when he was told off (I wasn't made aware of that) and that I laughed.

When I've challenged them back on what exactly I'm being spoken to about its that I laughed. My response is that I don't get why the staff member didn't just say to me that they're taking it seriously or that it upset the member of staff rather than going behind my back like that.

He only has 5 months left before school but I just feel like the trust has gone completely from the nursery and that I want to move him.

I need some honest advice please.

OP posts:
GandalfsBeard · 13/03/2014 22:25

Oh for goodness sake. I'm surprised the nursery made such a big deal about it in the first place. I would have thought that qualified nursery staff could have handled a 4 year old calling someone stinky without bringing it up with a parent. It's such a minor thing, sorted with explaining to the child that it's not nice to call people names, and asking him to please apologise. End of.
Perhaps Sarah is a particularly sensitive soul Hmm

balroymum · 13/03/2014 22:31

For goodness sake! He' s four! My three year old DD is frequently praised by her nursery staff for being kind and well mannered. However, she is obsessed with everything related to poo right now! "Pooy smell ny stinky socks! " or " Mammy you stink of poo" then collapses in fits of giggles. She's just being silly and yes, I laugh.

Just yesterday her key worker told me at pick up that she had an hilarious story about my DD; she had walked up to one of her friends and her mam and said, "Guess what? My mam stinks! " So glad the staff at DD's nursery have a sense of humour!

Don't worry OP - sounds like it us all a huge over reaction!

BrokenButNotFinished · 13/03/2014 22:33

I'm with GandalfsBeard. I wouldn't expect nursery staff to come to me with that - unless it was part of a bigger picture of difficult behaviour / rudeness / problems with the child and a particular carer. And then I would expect it to be presented AS a bigger picture, rather than individual minor events. He's 4, for god's sake.

As for laughing, sometimes that is an unfortunate reaction. My dog once broke from my grasp, got his muzzle off and bit the vet who was causing him pain at the time. I laughed and she went ballastic at me. Obviously I wasn't laughing at her pain, but from shock at the way the event happened (and the fact that she hadn't closed the muzzle up properly... Confused). I apologised, but crept away feeling that she was slightly nutty...

Mimishimi · 13/03/2014 22:39

I think they'll be glad to see the back of him ..... and you. Pull him out.

LadyBeagleEyes · 13/03/2014 22:41

people sometimes laugh inapproriately, they just can't help it, it just comes out.
Can't believe you're all taking it so seriously.

mygrandchildrenrock · 13/03/2014 22:55

Presumably though, the nursery know the child well and would know if his laughter was through embarrassment or not. It seems they thought it wasn't and I would expect them to address it, which they did.

Mimishimi · 13/03/2014 22:58

Also depends whether it was a one off 'stinky Sarah' (perhaps slight overreaction on their part) or if he was chanting it all day and getting other kids into the act too (annoying and upsetting that you laughed too). It sounds like they might have been having some behaviour issues with him for some time to bring it up with you.

oohdaddypig · 13/03/2014 23:07

I am going to disagree with the majority of posters here. I think YANBU.

I can't believe a four year old saying "stinky" is such a big deal, or your response. Your DS was reprimanded. Surely the nursery has bigger things to be concerned about. And I don't think a four year old who says this has behavioural issues either. FFS.

I might have laughed too, tbh. Not that it's particularly funny, but more that if I'm taken aside to discuss behaviour and then discover it's only about "stinky" I'd probably be unable to hide a small laugh (as I apologised). What a fuss over nothing!!

My two year old calls everyone "poo poo head" right now. I must remember not to laugh!

oohdaddypig · 13/03/2014 23:14

And some of the responses on here are downright rude. You can't compare a 4 year old's behaviour to a 14 year old bully's. this is about a pre-schooler at a nursery acting in a spirited way.

Some of the responses to your thread OP are way over the top.

There is no way my nursery would respond this way.

seeminglyso · 13/03/2014 23:14

Its not an issue, kids do say stupid stuff like this all the time. Nursery are over reacting. It was a bit daft of you to laugh but couldn't be helped. The nursery have too much time on their hands.

HaroldLloyd · 13/03/2014 23:17

Seriously it's not a biggy this is it? OP honestly I have laughed at things here and there, it's hard not to sometimes.

Original poster
Newbeginning1 · 14/03/2014 03:50

Thank you everyone for your replies.

As I've said before, I've learnt my lesson and I won't smirk again.

I get from them that he has had a bad week this week as he shouted on Monday and then this happened. However, when I was told he had shouted I didn't smirk so it really is the thing he's done that depends on my reaction.

I've reflected some more and I'm going to call nursery in the morning and apologise for overreacting and when I saw the member of staff that had made the complaint, I apologised to her after I'd been taken aside.

The thing I'm going to request though from nursery is another conversation, this time based on facts around what their concerns are. At the moment, I'm confused as to whether they are concerned about my DS, if so whether it's because of one or two things he says or whether it's loads more and ask what they want me to do differently.

The other thing that I want to reference with them is that I had one staff member saying they were concerned that my DS cried when he got told off, now they're concerned because he laughed and it's only been once that I know of but I'm not sure how I teach my child how to react to that stuff.

Anyway, thanks again for all the replies.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 14/03/2014 05:52

Oohdaddypig I didn't compare this 4YO to a 14 year old bully.

The OP said somethingalong the lines of "It wasn't physical, it was only a bit of name calling - it didn't hurt anyone!" and I asked if she would feel like that if it happened to her son later in life when name calling can be very hurtful. Obviously Sarah, stinky or not, was not hurt by this 4yo. But I'm sure she would want to nip this kind of rudeness in the bud

Sorry OP I'm confused - you said youoverreacted - when was that and what did you do? It's very early and I can't get a handle on the chain of events

oohdaddypig · 14/03/2014 07:10

Good luck OP. sounds like you are dealing with it very sensitively.

I think I would just forget about it and move on and maybe stinky sarah will develop a thicker skin the longer she works with pre-schoolers.

I really hope your nursery's policy, though, isn't to require tears at every telling off :(

OpalQuartz · 14/03/2014 07:15

If they say he's had a bad week,then yes you need to find out exactly what has happened.

oohdaddypig · 14/03/2014 07:22

Sorry - bitoutofpractice - it's a while since I have read nasty sly bullying on a parenting thread but your "values" stance in your posts came across exactly as that.

UptheChimney · 14/03/2014 07:38

YABVVVVU

You were very rude to laugh. You sound like a badly brought-up 13 year old. No wonder your son was rude to a member of staff. When is it ever acceptable to call someone names, or to laugh at calling someone a hurtful name?

UptheChimney · 14/03/2014 07:41

I won't laugh again even if I do find it funny.

Well that's big of you!

Do you really really think it's funny to call someone "stinky Sarah"? Your poor son.

HaroldLloyd · 14/03/2014 07:52

Your poor son? Now that did make me smirk.

Sillylass79 · 14/03/2014 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

leeloo1 · 14/03/2014 08:12

Could you not have said "Well one darling, thats great alliteration!"

Then to the staff member "Thanks for letting me know, Its great he' meeting his milestones so early,"

Grin
BitOutOfPractice · 14/03/2014 08:16

Really oohdaddy. Not my intention at all. And I think you have decded to willfully misunderstand me anyway. But there you go. I didn't smirk when you told me off so that's something I suppose!

Floggingmolly · 14/03/2014 08:31

Major drip feeding there, op. So he's had a "bad week". They were probably sick of his behaviour by the Stinky Sarah episode, and watching you smirk when told put the tin lid on it.
They obviously consider his bad behaviour to be sanctioned by you?

PuppyMonkey · 14/03/2014 08:43

Oh dear, I think I might have laughed a bit at that too. Blush it's one of those "don't they come out with the daftest expressions" situations isn't it? The nursery were v OTT about a 4 yo saying that.

When I think of stuff my DD said in public, in comparison this is quite tameBlush

Only1scoop · 14/03/2014 08:57

You say in last post he had had a bad week....probably why they spoke to you and were annoyed by your 'smirk' had it if been a one off they brobably would have left it.
My dd has been at nursery for 3 years and I have never been asked 'for a chat' I'm sure all kids have their moments so maybe some nurseries deal with things in different ways.

Hope next weeks a better one at nursery.

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