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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so upset at nursery for this

166 replies

Newbeginning1 · 13/03/2014 18:46

DS is 4 and attends a nursery and yesterday when I went to pick him up, I was told he'd called one of the staff members 'stinky Sarah'.

When I was told, I admit I found it funny and I turned my head to the left so my son couldn't see me and laughed. It wasn't a belly laugh, it was a small laugh and my child didn't see.

Today, when I've gone to pick DS up, I've been taken upstairs by a member of staff to talk about it. Apparently the staff are concerned about my DS because of what he said and that he laughed when he was told off (I wasn't made aware of that) and that I laughed.

When I've challenged them back on what exactly I'm being spoken to about its that I laughed. My response is that I don't get why the staff member didn't just say to me that they're taking it seriously or that it upset the member of staff rather than going behind my back like that.

He only has 5 months left before school but I just feel like the trust has gone completely from the nursery and that I want to move him.

I need some honest advice please.

OP posts:

BookABooSue · 13/03/2014 19:00

Oops - cross post with BumPotato

CoffeeTea103 · 13/03/2014 19:02

Why did you not make your rude child apologise right there?
Also you want them to follow up with you? Sorry but you seem to be confused about what's the right thing to do.

BaileysOnRocks · 13/03/2014 19:02

Can't stand people who laugh when their children are being naughty or rude. It wasn't funny and yabu.

Mrswellyboot · 13/03/2014 19:02

They didn't go behind your back, they called you up to talk about it.

It isn't a major issue but it was rude of you to laugh. They were right to correct you about this. I have taught teenagers who haven't shown any respect. Better to nip this type of innocent behaviour now.

Only1scoop · 13/03/2014 19:04

Yabu....now they can see why he laughed I guess.

Floggingmolly · 13/03/2014 19:05

Why are you so hung up on not realising they were taking it seriously? . They took it seriously enough to bring it to your attention; and were met by you sniggering as well!
You've just confirmed that they're right to be concerned about him laughing when told off, as the behaviour stems from what he's learning at home.
Nice one.

Original poster

Newbeginning1 · 13/03/2014 19:05

Thank you all for your input.

My issue isn't with nursery for pulling him up about it because I would have if we had been out etc.

My frustration is that rather than telling me there and then or reinforcing that it had upset the member of staff or that they had taken it seriously, it wasn't and so how was i to know. Yes I will get slated now for being ignorant.

Whenever there have been incidents over the last years at nursery, I've never made my child apologise when I get there as my assumption is that they have done that. I then reinforce it when I get home and/or at nursery.

In this instance, my child was adamant he hadn't said it and I wasn't told he had laughed when he'd been told off.

OP posts:

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 13/03/2014 19:06

It is minor BUT

My cousins ds has a mouth like a sailor . He is four this summer and on being dropped of at school, shouted ' I'm NOT stay in her with these dick heads!"

That has come from every one in his house laughing at his bad language copying their terrible behaviour.

I bet he is already ear marked fir being 'spirited'

Original poster

Newbeginning1 · 13/03/2014 19:08

I've just seen some more responses.

The person that told me isn't the same one that he did it to so why would I get him to apologise to her? If it had been the other member of staff then maybe. They knew yesterday that I'd said he wouldn't get a sticker because he didn't manage to be kind and nice at nursery.

OP posts:

SavoyCabbage · 13/03/2014 19:08

I don't understand why you think they went behind your back.

They tried to speak to you once and when it wasn't successful they are trying again in a more formal setting so that you know that it's not a hilarious joke. Or that they were telling you because they thought it was adorable.

BornFreeButinChains · 13/03/2014 19:08

Wow, I am surprised they took it that seriously.

I mean some of the things the children get called by staff....

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 13/03/2014 19:10

I don't thnk 'stinky' is bad! I think you just pissed some one off laughing about it.

Original poster

Newbeginning1 · 13/03/2014 19:14

The thing about going behind my back is that either yesterday when we were having the conversation they could have said something more to highlight it, this morning or this evening they could have followed it up to say that it had really upset the staff.

Maybe I am a poor parent but in the grand scheme of things, yes it wasn't nice to say and I've pulled him up on it. It was a one off and there's much worse that he could have said and he's 4.

I'm guessing I'm just way off with nursery etiquette and the rules of it all. I've taken on the opinions and I thank you all for that and on reflection, I won't laugh again even if I do find it funny.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 13/03/2014 19:14

Losing a sticker won't negate your immediate reaction, I am afraid. Even if he didn't see you laugh (and children are more perceptive than we sometimes think) he saw you not react to being told he'd misbehaved.

At four, the absence of a reward hours later is too abstract and he probably won't care or link it to what he's actually done. He needs to be told at the time that it's not a nice thing to say (Which it sounds like he was) with the consequence, if there is one, being immediate. He should also be encouraged or told it's a nice thing to do to apologise.

Later, when the incident is mentioned in front of you you should treat it seriously, not amusingly, it's not hugely necessary to tell him off/punish him again since this has already happened and the incident is over, but it might be helpful to reiterate that it isn't a nice thing to say/do.

Then just modelling good behaviour, ie, being polite to people in general (which I'm sure you are) but it's also important not to laugh at incidents of others, including him, being unkind. Even if you think he's not listening or it's irrelevant. How will he pick up the value of being kind (or at least polite) if you're showing him that it's funny to be unkind?

BeerTricksPotter · 13/03/2014 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SometimesLonely · 13/03/2014 19:16

I just wish that they had said that they had taken it seriously

They did take it seriously. They spoke to you about it. If they thought it was not serious, they would not have brought up the subject.

As for an apology, you should have taken him to see the person so described and he could have then apologised or done it the next day.

You were certainly wrong to snigger (because that's what you did) when told what your DS had said about a member of staff.

BertieBotts · 13/03/2014 19:17

I do agree that it's not the worst thing he can say! And a light touch is possible, I wouldn't punish for it unless it kept happening, often all they need is to be told "That isn't nice. It hurts Sarah's feelings." (and of course Sarah would be daft to let her actual feelings be hurt by a preschooler) but the problem with saying "Oh, well, 4 year olds say worse things!" is that if he's 8 and saying it to a classmate who has just started getting BO and doesn't know how to handle it yet it would be far more insensitive and potentially hurtful.

I don't think that you have to be harsh on them when they are just learning, but he does need to know it's not OK.

formerbabe · 13/03/2014 19:19

I don't understand why you laughed. I would have thanked the nursery for telling me and told them I would be having a chat at home with him about what's acceptable.

My ds came home from school and told me a girl at his school smellled bad...I sat down and explained he wasn't to mention it to her or talk about it at school as it would really upset her.

Sorry op, I think you are in the wrong.

Original poster

Newbeginning1 · 13/03/2014 19:22

BertieBotts - I really appreciate your advice, thank you.

In my personal opinion, if it happened once and it's been dealt with then so be it. If it keeps happening then yes absolutely I would take it more seriously.

I will make sure I pack my straight face next time for nursery pick up and drop off.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 13/03/2014 19:25

I think we've all acted inappropriately at one time or another! I must admit sometimes I find it hard to keep a straight face at the most mortifying of times because it's some kind of nervous reaction.

Groovee · 13/03/2014 19:29

Did you come across to the nursery as defensive as you are here?

I watched a parent being spoken to about her child's behaviour in class where he had upset a number of children by wrecking their work and his mum laughed! I nearly swung for her.

Its been noted that you laughed too. Maybe the member of staff who witnessed it on her colleagues is annoyed that you appeared not to take it as seriously as they felt you should. Maybe she does smell and maybe they are just supporting a colleague for whom this could be a medical issue.

YABVVU to think an incident like this could loose all trust in the nursery and that you should move your child.

Work on being polite with your son and when things should be kept in our heads!

BitOutOfPractice · 13/03/2014 19:29

Oi! They DID address it with you at the time! After thinking about it and discussing it with their supervisor, perhaps the person who told you about it thought "Newbeggnning clearly didn't take that very seriously what with the sly smirking while I was talking to her about it. Perhaps it needs addressing with her again."

Did it cross your mind that the person who spoke to you about it yesterday thought you were smirking / laughing at *them"? Or at the person your DS was rude to? Because that is very much how it would have looked as you smirked and turned your face away. I think you were very rude. And your reaction isjust so patheticly self justifying it's untrue! I'm quite cross now!

As a parent, nothing drives me more insane than the even vague hint that I'm being smirked at!

Isthatwhatdemonsdo · 13/03/2014 19:31

Blimey! That's nothing. I've been flipped the middle finger and called a fucking bitch by a 4 year old at nursery.

BeerTricksPotter · 13/03/2014 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catcalledjessica · 13/03/2014 19:36

I think 'stinky' is an incredibly rude thing to say, actually: not in relation to something ('the bins stink!') but to say TO someone? That's not funny.

My parents would have been furious if I'd called a teacher stinky at 14, never mind 4.

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