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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my MIL to do up her trousers?

156 replies

JayoftheRed · 13/03/2014 11:05

Hi all, I'm new here but wondering if I'm being a bit unreasonable about my MIL's trousers.

I have one son, he's 14 months and about 4 months ago I went back to work. Thankfully, my mum and MIL stepped up and offered to help with childcare as there's no way I could afford to send him to a nursery.

My MIL has him a day and a half a week, and everything is fine, we get on OK (although not great - I don't see her outside of dropping DS off if I can manage it). The thing I think I might be unreasonable about is that quite often when I drop him off, she answers the door in a pair of trousers with the zip undone. She doesn't wear long tops to cover it, so it's perfectly obvious to anyone, and you can see her knickers. I don't like it, I think it's totally unnecessary - she has other trousers.

I have mentioned it a few times "Oh, MIL, your trousers are undone" type thing, like anyone might. But she just smiles and says "yes, these trousers don't fit, I wear them to remind myself to lose weight."

She hasn't ever lost any weight, not to the point where these trousers will do up anyway, and besides, she's not a big woman by any means, (maybe a size 12?) so doesn't really need to worry about it, IMO.

I've mentioned it once or twice recently, but she really doesn't seem interested. I'm really not comfortable with her having DS with her pants on display; she takes him out to playgroup and to the park and library etc, with her pants on show for all to see.

Am I being unreasonable that I really don't want my son out with her like this? I don't think it's suitable for an older lady who isn't his mother (however much she'd like to be) to be showing her underwear. I also feel that it's hypocritical - when I wear little strappy tops where you can see my bra straps, she tuts and says it's inappropriate.

Sorry for the length, but I'm wondering, should I insist that she wear trousers that fit when she's looking after DS or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 13/03/2014 15:15

I don't think you're a bitch. Get rid of scheduled Saturday visits, OP. Your MIL sees your DS enough, you need the time with him. And when she is there, don't constantly defer to her over DS. If there is a battle to be fought here, it's this one.

This^^

And don't forget, you hold all the cards if she's difficult about Saturdays. She can't fall out with you because then she wont's see him at all.

Curlyweasel · 13/03/2014 15:16

Cigs - back off eh? Just because she made dh miserable, doesn't automatically mean she'll make dgc miserable. People are complicated. My mum neglected me as a child and all sorts of horrid things happened to me as a result, but I tell you something - I couldn't fault the way she's been with my dd (and yes, I'd even let her look after her). It's not all black and white you know Mrs Judgy Pants!!! x

SallyMcgally · 13/03/2014 15:19

Just to add to curly's post: it was clear very early on that this was a specific pair of trousers, that the OP say are actually quite nice, and the OP says that her son loves spending time with MIL.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 13/03/2014 15:20

Hey! I can't stand my evil bitch mil, I love a good ml bashing, I just think op is being ungrateful.

Not having her top button and fly done is hardly mental health issues OR having her flange out! Grin

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 13/03/2014 15:22

Maybe I'm just getting carried away as this is the first time I've stuck up for a MIL Grin

Curlyweasel · 13/03/2014 15:28

I'm looking forward to becoming a MIL. I'd like to think I'll be all right on and dignified and that, but in reality I too will probably show my knickers off inappropriately or fart when the dgc pull my finger and anger my darling DIL enormously...

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 13/03/2014 15:31

curly I wouldn't be arsed at that!

MissBetseyTrotwood · 13/03/2014 15:33

If MIL had offered 1.5 days a week free childcare when mine were 2 she could have worn full burlesque gear to story time at the library for all I cared.

I was fucking desperate and skint - you are being ungrateful OP.

PlumpPartridge · 13/03/2014 15:45

You know, it's perfectly possible to be in a situation where you HAVE to 'gratefully' accept offers of help from family members or else you will be lambasted for being a horrible human being. I have often been in this situation with my fucking mother, where she's done things that I don't want her to do but do actually benefit from. Everyone else then tells me I'm shit and ungrateful for refusing, so I have to accept.

But I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!!

op, your MIL sounds rather odd and I would be uncomfortable too. Maybe point out the trousers every time you go over there? Try and make jokes, or 'innocently' say: 'Are you wearing those trousers again? I hope you don't go out like that to playgroups, they'll all think you're really odd!' Say it with a big smile and she might get it Grin

slithytove · 13/03/2014 15:53

It is odd. And I hardly think OP is dictating a dress code by suggesting that someone does up their trousers.

OP - can you and OH go 'flying low' next time you visit?
I do think the bra strap thing is hypocritical and I would struggle to stay quiet. For all the criticisers on here, why is it ok for the MIL to dictate a dress code?

And I think you are generous with time yes. I had this row with someone recently, why can't people realise that child care is mutually beneficial? Yes you benefit massively from not paying for childcare, but imagine the fall out if you took DS away from MIL. It's great for both her and your family.

slithytove · 13/03/2014 15:54

Also, if I was at a soft play or baby group, awful as it sounds, I'm not sure how I would feel about someone being there with their knickers on show, especially on a regular basis. It would make me uncomfortable.

Original poster
JayoftheRed · 13/03/2014 16:09

Thank you to those who understand. Yes I need her to look after him. Yes, I worry about her upsetting DS after things my DH has said but she hasn't done it yet and she so clearly adores DS, I'd be much more of a bitch if I took him away.

I encourage a happy loving relationship between DS and MIL but don't see why I have to have one too when there isn't a relationship there really.

Things only work if she gets her way, so in the main she does. It's easier for everyone even if it gets on my nerves. If I upset her she takes it out on DH which isn't fair on him. So I keep my mouth shut.

I have never mentioned the trousers other than asking her if she knew they were undone. I don't know for certain that she wears them out but I know enough about her to suspect that she does. And probably enjoys people talking about it! She loves attention, good or bad.

OP posts:
TheBody · 13/03/2014 16:11

oh well for me personally if I didn't like or respect them, family or friend. then I wouldn't be asking them to provide me with free childcare.

that's the bottom line really.

I am going to be a bloody ace mil mind you as long as dil doesn't mind the short skirts. I luffs my lads gfs so long may it last.

Curlyweasel · 13/03/2014 16:15

Exactly that Jay. YOU don't have to have a loving relationship with her. You do need a respectful one though. Just because she always gets her way now, doesn't mean she always will. Your DS will grow up, have a mind of his own and perhaps might not want to spend so much time with her... how about them apples!? Cheer up chuck. Try to see the funny side of the trouser thing if you can. xxx

Hassled · 13/03/2014 16:20

How old is she? It's such a bloody odd thing to do that I'm wondering if there's a bit of early dementia/senility going on. Is this a relatively recent thing?

And for what it's worth, I'd be uncomfortable handing over my child to a woman with her knickers on display, because I'd be thinking "if she's that socially unaware then is she actually competent to mind my child".

Curlyweasel · 13/03/2014 16:21

bods - so if your dil didn't like or respect you, you wouldn't be prepared to care for your gc? how would you know? OP has said she's polite and courteous when dealing with MIL. she seems to be going over and above imo.

and stop calling it free childcare!!!!! professionals provide childcare and charge for it. families babysit or muck in/help out.

coco44 · 13/03/2014 16:22

she takes him out to playgroup and to the park and library etc, with her pants on show for all to see
How do you know that?
are you sure she just undo them at home to make them more conmfortable.

CalamitouslyWrong · 13/03/2014 17:15

You know, it's perfectly possible to be in a situation where you HAVE to 'gratefully' accept offers of help from family members or else you will be lambasted for being a horrible human being.

This is very true.

My mother was utterly awful to me, and DH, around the time of DS2's birth. My (nightmare) sister decided that she likes babies and wanted to freeload off stay with DH, DS1 and I (and DS2 once he arrived) in our small house for 6 weeks at the end of my pregnancy/while DS2 was newborn. She would have contributed nothing (material or help around the house), expected to be fed, entertained and kept. I said no and my mother went ape shit.

She basically destroyed the last couple of weeks I had to spend with DS1 (who was 9) before the baby arrived and insisted on taking him out (without us) every day. Apparently she was 'being helpful' by letting me rest, but she was actually being a total arsehole. She was incredibly nasty to me and said things I will never forget nor forgive her for (all because I wasn't willing to pander to my sister's every whim). She would have been even worse if I hadn't acquiesced and let her spend the time with DS1. She wasn't 'helping' (nor was my sister staying going to be 'helpful)'; she was purposefully preventing me from spending the time with my son. I spent most of the time in tears and it was awful.

Our relationship has never recovered from it. We still see her but neither DH nor I trust her and we seriously limit contact/keep her at arms length. We know that her offers of 'help' come with strings attached and aren't intended to benefit anyone but herself. From the outside she sounds like she's so wonderfully helpful and kind, but the reality is that her 'help' is all about control. When you don't accept her control 'help', she becomes very nasty indeed.

Tbh, DH would have completely cut contact with my family at that point because he was so utterly shocked at how she made the birth of our child all about her and my sister. He really dislikes her. I maintain contact because she's the only family member I still have contact with and because she does have a positive relationship with DS1 (without trying to control humor anything). He tolerates her because she's my mother. If she tried to wage a hate campaign against DH, things would be very different. My loyalty is most definitely to him rather than her.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 13/03/2014 17:22

She wasn't 'helping' (nor was my sister staying going to be 'helpful)'; she was purposefully preventing me from spending the time with my son. I spent most of the time in tears and it was awful

Why didn't you just say 'no, fuck off' your in charge f your ds, not her.

CalamitouslyWrong · 13/03/2014 17:37

Because family relationships are never as simple as people make out. All sorts of guilt and obligation result from a childhood being brought up by manipulative arseholes.

AngelaDaviesHair · 13/03/2014 17:41

If I upset her she takes it out on DH which isn't fair on him. So I keep my mouth shut

Which isn't fair on you. Perhaps your DH could be firmer?

clippityclop · 13/03/2014 17:41

Buy her a couple of pairs of yoga-style pants (parallel leg stretchy waist jobs, try M&S) with and a big bunch of flowers for mothers day, on grounds that you saw them in the shop and thought of her, wearing, or part wearing the other trousers must be really uncomfortable for her when she's out and about with the little one etc etc. If she doesn't wear them, well, you have to consider that while going about looking eccentric may not be acceptable to you, she does seem to care deeply for your son and enable you to have the life you do.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 13/03/2014 17:47

I hope you understand now that your not powerless against her calamespecially with your own kids.

Catsmamma · 13/03/2014 17:53

I bet she just undoes them at home...if she won't buy a bigger size, then they probably dig in bit when she is bending and stretching with the wee one.

GertTheFlirt · 13/03/2014 18:40

She demands weekend visits every week, although we've got them down to every other weekend as otherwise I don't actually get to spend any time with him, because even if I'm there at the weekend visits, it's very hard to get anywhere near him, she rules supreme. Even at our house.

Sweetheart - she screwed up her relationship with her own child, your DP - she now wants your baby. I understand the free childcare thing, but she cannot be allowed to take over weekends. What does your DP say about his mother?

...just constant attention, never letting anyone else hold him (not such an issue now as he won't be held, but when he was tiny) for more than about 2 minutes (and that includes my parents, me, my DH etc.) She takes him away from people when he's playing with them, she takes toys away from him and makes him play with the toys she wants him to play with…

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