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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my MIL to do up her trousers?

156 replies

JayoftheRed · 13/03/2014 11:05

Hi all, I'm new here but wondering if I'm being a bit unreasonable about my MIL's trousers.

I have one son, he's 14 months and about 4 months ago I went back to work. Thankfully, my mum and MIL stepped up and offered to help with childcare as there's no way I could afford to send him to a nursery.

My MIL has him a day and a half a week, and everything is fine, we get on OK (although not great - I don't see her outside of dropping DS off if I can manage it). The thing I think I might be unreasonable about is that quite often when I drop him off, she answers the door in a pair of trousers with the zip undone. She doesn't wear long tops to cover it, so it's perfectly obvious to anyone, and you can see her knickers. I don't like it, I think it's totally unnecessary - she has other trousers.

I have mentioned it a few times "Oh, MIL, your trousers are undone" type thing, like anyone might. But she just smiles and says "yes, these trousers don't fit, I wear them to remind myself to lose weight."

She hasn't ever lost any weight, not to the point where these trousers will do up anyway, and besides, she's not a big woman by any means, (maybe a size 12?) so doesn't really need to worry about it, IMO.

I've mentioned it once or twice recently, but she really doesn't seem interested. I'm really not comfortable with her having DS with her pants on display; she takes him out to playgroup and to the park and library etc, with her pants on show for all to see.

Am I being unreasonable that I really don't want my son out with her like this? I don't think it's suitable for an older lady who isn't his mother (however much she'd like to be) to be showing her underwear. I also feel that it's hypocritical - when I wear little strappy tops where you can see my bra straps, she tuts and says it's inappropriate.

Sorry for the length, but I'm wondering, should I insist that she wear trousers that fit when she's looking after DS or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
TheBody · 13/03/2014 12:57

Needs hi wow didn't realise you were reading all if my posts so minutely. I am flattered.

I am not jumping in the poster I just asked her what she meant by her comments re mil wanting to be the mother?

it's a bit strange isn't it? and nowt to do with pants!

I am not a mil and have 4 kids. certainly looking forward to being one but definatly won't be offering the day to day childcare as I have a job.

don't you think the mil here is being very supportive and helpful to the op?

don't you think it's reasonable to assume she doesn't go out like this? the op days she does to know if she does?

if you post in aibu you need to be prepared to be told either yes you are or no you are not.

actually I don't jump in posters. I have hopefully supported lots of posters on aibu this morning. so please actually read my other posts today if you are so interested in me.

ShadowFall · 13/03/2014 13:00

It sounds a bit odd - and if my mum or MIL were to answer the door like that, I'd probably be pointing it out too - but I don't think it's worth making a fuss about.

Particularly as you have no evidence that she takes him out and about in these trousers. She may change into trousers that fit properly when out in public, and then back into these undone trousers when she gets home.

NinjaBunny · 13/03/2014 13:02

What sane person goes out routinely in public with their flies open and their knickers on show?

Male friend used to always keep his flies undone.

Loads of us mentioned it to him, said it made us uncomfortable, we could see his cock, yadda yadda.

Didn't stop him. He might pull his jumper over his crotch area but never did up the flies. For the 12 years I knew him his flies were almost always undone.

Confused
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 13/03/2014 13:02

never letting anyone else hold him (not such an issue now as he won't be held, but when he was tiny) for more than about 2 minutes (and that includes my parents, me, my DH etc.) She takes him away from people when he's playing with them, she takes toys away from him and makes him play with the toys she wants him to play with…

That sounds like a much bigger problem to tackle than her undone flies.

TheBody · 13/03/2014 13:04

Needs to add I guess I dislike from my teen years womem criticising other women's clothes,makeup and adding bitchy comments etc while you are using them for either support or help.

it smacks of mean girls to me.

glad my lovely mil and I got on and my dds know how to be grateful and not judge on what really doesn't matter.

ShadowFall · 13/03/2014 13:06

Although having seen your latest post, I'm now wondering if this is really about the trousers at all.

Sounds more like you're a bit resentful about your MIL trying to monopolise your DS at weekends, when you want to see your DS yourself - and because you're upset about not getting anywhere with that, you're being picky about little things (like trousers) that don't really matter.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/03/2014 13:07

Yabvvu thank goodness you have her helping you out!

justmuddlingalong · 13/03/2014 13:09

And yet despite all these concerns, you are still using her for childcare?

Beastofburden · 13/03/2014 13:14

I'd be very surprised if she actually goes out like that. Maybe some of your friends could tell you, if they go to the same activities/park?

Anyway, maybe she will run around so much after DS that she will lose the weight and they will do up again

Only1scoop · 13/03/2014 13:17

It's clearly not just about the trousers after your last post.
You sound quite resentful to her.
You also seem ungrateful although you say you aren't.

justmuddlingalong · 13/03/2014 13:22

Right, I'm going to take a deep breath and ask what I'm thinking. Please don't jump on me, I'm not being goady but...OP, do you resent her watching your son when you go to work?

Original poster
JayoftheRed · 13/03/2014 13:24

I just thought that people might agree that it's a little odd, and perhaps unsuitable to be around small children with your pants on display.

Clearly I was wrong.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/03/2014 13:24

body not so much a poster I am interested in (and I don't mean that in a rude way at all) but you are very active on mil threads often posting lots on the same thread and you are quite robust with your defence of mils.

Fwiw I agree its not that big a deal people's pants/knickers showing would not bother me at all even if its rather odd.

But I often wonder if you would be quite so active and robust if it was the posters own mum.

And yep I do see you on other none mil threads being incredibly supportive thoughtful and often funny.it makes the difference very noticeable.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 13/03/2014 13:30

Mumsnet baffles me!

Why has this turned into a Mil thread rather than a 'woman isn't properly dressed in public isn't that a bit worrying' thread?

I don't think it matters what she does in her own house at all, but it is quite odd to do that in public, and I'd be wondering what was going on if someone routinely turned up to play groups etc without her trousers done up and showing her pants and drawing attention to her pubic area.

Just a bit odd and if i routinely saw someone doing this (not just oops i didnt realise), id be wondering if it was possibly a sign of something else going on with her health/ disordered thinking / disinhibited attitude etc. Maybe eccentric, maybe something else going on. But honestly, I'd think it was none of my business, but I wouldn't think it was normal at all.

I suspect if the op hadn't mentioned the relationship that's the direction this thread would have taken, not pulled into the mil hate / protect thing, or the free child care = subservient gratefulness at all time meme.

Original poster
JayoftheRed · 13/03/2014 13:34

justmuddlingthrough - of course I do. Anyone looking after my son when I should be upsets me. I don't want to work, I have to work. I enjoy my job and I like the people I work with, but I would drop it in a second to spend the time with my boy. I hate picking him up and hearing all the wonderful things he's done with her that he doesn't/won't do with me.

It's not just her, I don't like it with my mum either, although in all honesty, it's easier to take.

I am perfectly pleasant with her, I don't dislike her, although I can't say I like her much either. My DH doesn't like her much either, so that doesn't help.

I just want, have always wanted to be a stay at home mum and look after my children and my house. But I have to go to work to keep a roof over our heads - DH doesn't earn a massive amount, although now I'm working we don't struggle. But we have to count the pennies and cut back all the same.

So yeah, ok, I'm not happy with her looking after him. Apparently her wearing a dodgy pair of trousers every now and again and me not liking it and being stupid enough to mention it on here means that I'm some sort of evil bitch and that I should immediately refuse to let her see him by putting him in paid childcare.

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 13/03/2014 13:48

Your original posts were about the pants thing, fair enough, but the subsequent posts gave a deeper insight into other thing she does that annoy and upset you. You want to be a SAHM, but it's not practical and so you have to work. I understand that it's upsetting, but you're MIL is helping out. You listed lots of behaviour that you don't agree with, but you can't have it both ways. Whatever your MIL does will never make you happy because you resent her.

TheBody · 13/03/2014 13:51

Needs my mil was ace, now sadly died.

it's a sure tricky relationship on both sides and there are incredibly daft mils and daft dils but mumsnet seems to polarise mils as either not giving a flying fuck about the gcs or wanting to adopt them and being overbearing

it is strange.

however I can't support a poster who slags off anyone giving her free childcare. it's nasty.

BornFreeButinChains · 13/03/2014 13:52

perhaps unsuitable to be around small children with your pants on display

Having a child and suddenly being thrust into the world of toddler groups and play places i have never seen so many bottoms and pants Grin, a combination of trousers coming down too low when bending down.

WhoDaresWins · 13/03/2014 13:52

I can't believe the responses on here! It is not normal to go out with your knickers on display like that. It makes you wonder as to her mental health and that is a worry if she's looking after your young child.

OP, ignore the others. It is absolutely right to feel uncomfortable about it. It's weird and worrying.

ViviPru · 13/03/2014 13:52

Well this thread's all gone a bit judgy-pants hadn't it? Snurk.

Icimoi · 13/03/2014 13:54

Is it only one pair of trousers that she wears like this, or all of them? I'm wondering whether in fact she doesn't do them up because it's uncomfortable due to medical issues which she doesn't want to mention to you. Though, if that were the case, you'd think it would be easier just to get larger sizes or something with an elasticated waist.

foreverondiet · 13/03/2014 13:55

If you don't like it pay for an alternative. Your son won't notice. Don't know why it bothers you?

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 13/03/2014 13:56

I love a good MIL bashing thread but on this occasion, she is saving you a lot of money and your BU.

Put up and shut up.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 13/03/2014 13:58

I am perfectly pleasant with her, I don't dislike her, although I can't say I like her much either. My DH doesn't like her much either, so that doesn't help

But the pair of you will gladly use her for child care?!

You and dh sound horrible.

LoonvanBoon · 13/03/2014 14:00

I agree with hotDamn that you have bigger issues than MIL showing her pants. She sounds really overbearing in her approach to your son & I'm amazed you've managed to put up with that for so long.

Is it because you're reliant on her for childcare that you don't feel able to object when she picks your DS up & takes him away from other people, or tries to control which toys he plays with? I don't think that's acceptable at all.

Given that you say she lives for your son, I think you could easily risk trying to put some boundaries in place about these bigger issues. I honestly think that would benefit everybody.

The pants-on-display issue is weird, no doubt about it, though less harmful than the other stuff IMO. I can't see any reason why you can't just ask if her if she goes out like that, though- she probably doesn't & it would put your mind at rest.

Sorry you're feeling crap about having to go out to work. I don't think you've come across as an evil bitch (has anyone said that?) but I do wonder if you're focussing on your MIL's eccentricities as it's safer than addressing the bigger issues. You resent her because she monopolizes your son - & it does sound like she really does that - but you know you should be grateful because of the free childcare, so it makes it hard to assert your rights as the parent.

You still are the parent, though, & if I were you I'd claim my weekends back as a start. You're at work all week, it's perfectly reasonable to say that most w/ends are going to be family time for you, DH & DS. MIL is doing you a big favour re. childcare, but it doesn't mean she gets to dictate all your family decisions.