Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my MIL to do up her trousers?

156 replies

JayoftheRed · 13/03/2014 11:05

Hi all, I'm new here but wondering if I'm being a bit unreasonable about my MIL's trousers.

I have one son, he's 14 months and about 4 months ago I went back to work. Thankfully, my mum and MIL stepped up and offered to help with childcare as there's no way I could afford to send him to a nursery.

My MIL has him a day and a half a week, and everything is fine, we get on OK (although not great - I don't see her outside of dropping DS off if I can manage it). The thing I think I might be unreasonable about is that quite often when I drop him off, she answers the door in a pair of trousers with the zip undone. She doesn't wear long tops to cover it, so it's perfectly obvious to anyone, and you can see her knickers. I don't like it, I think it's totally unnecessary - she has other trousers.

I have mentioned it a few times "Oh, MIL, your trousers are undone" type thing, like anyone might. But she just smiles and says "yes, these trousers don't fit, I wear them to remind myself to lose weight."

She hasn't ever lost any weight, not to the point where these trousers will do up anyway, and besides, she's not a big woman by any means, (maybe a size 12?) so doesn't really need to worry about it, IMO.

I've mentioned it once or twice recently, but she really doesn't seem interested. I'm really not comfortable with her having DS with her pants on display; she takes him out to playgroup and to the park and library etc, with her pants on show for all to see.

Am I being unreasonable that I really don't want my son out with her like this? I don't think it's suitable for an older lady who isn't his mother (however much she'd like to be) to be showing her underwear. I also feel that it's hypocritical - when I wear little strappy tops where you can see my bra straps, she tuts and says it's inappropriate.

Sorry for the length, but I'm wondering, should I insist that she wear trousers that fit when she's looking after DS or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
PostHocErgoPropterHoc · 13/03/2014 12:09

Aha! I was right! She must look bizarre, and her logic is very odd, but really knicker material is no different to other material. Nothing obscene is happening.

ViviPru · 13/03/2014 12:11

Thank you for clarification OP. I have a much clearer mental image with which to assist my judgement of this scenario.

Next time I casually said "oh MiL, your trousers are undone again!" and she brushes it off, I'd be tempted to ask if she does them up when she's in public, just out of pure curiosity....

Blu · 13/03/2014 12:12

So, for the last decade and a half it has been normal for young (and older) women to sport the fashionable 'whale tail' thing on show look, and for young men to walk around with theier trousers under their bum. But a woman who in the house leaves her zip undone is an embarrassment and a potential bad influence on a 14m old?

It's been freezing up until now - she probably wears a coat or a long cardi over the top of her trousers when she goes out.

I can't begin to see a playgroup leader saying anything, other than a 'ooh, nice blue' type comment - they may well consider her exxectric, or talk about her behind her back (like you do) but it isn't exactly a safeguarding issue.

"you are perfectly entitled to raise things which make you uncomfortable or which you dislike about the way anyone looks after your child, whether you're paying for them to do so or not." well, yes, but uless you are paying a wage you have little leverage to demand a dress code, and the comeback from someone doing it as a favour is likely to be 'if you don't like it , stuff it'. And how far does 'dislike' go? Taking issue with a carer's approach to discipline or discussing religion or death is one thing. Expecting them to brush their hari to a standard you like and makes you feel 'comfortable' is another. Being a parent rarely gives anyone a right to dictate the standards of all around them.

OP, please, please try and 'insist' that she wears trousers that you approve of, and report back.

Alternatively, since you are BOTH being hypocritical, all you need say when she comments on your bra strap showing, in a joky way, is 'you can talk - flashing your knickers here there and everywhere!'.

CalamitouslyWrong · 13/03/2014 12:13

Perhaps she's a trend setter and ahead of her time. Sprung/summer 2015 and we'll all we wearing deep v-top trousers with granny pants on display.

PostHocErgoPropterHoc · 13/03/2014 12:14

Actually, I think I'd be uncomfortable with my MIL going out like that, with or without my dc. Is she unconventional/socially unaware in other ways?

MoominMammasHandbag · 13/03/2014 12:15

She sounds quite weird to me OP. If I met her at playgroup I would be edging away, and taking my kids with me. Can't you get your DP to have a word with her?

Fairylea · 13/03/2014 12:15

I thought you were going to say it was after a big meal or something... sometimes I might discreetly undo the top button on my jeans if I've absolutely stuffed myself at home and it's digging in. But I wouldn't dream of doing it to go out and about like that or if I had a massive gap between my top and jeans! Seems a bit odd! But your ds is too little to care... and if she's nice otherwise. ... at least she's not walking about starkers and a nudist or something :)

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 13/03/2014 12:17

Maybe she has a sweaty Betty.

CalamitouslyWrong · 13/03/2014 12:21

How old is she? People at play group are probably pondering the beginnings of dementia.

Original poster
JayoftheRed · 13/03/2014 12:26

As I have said, I've never asked her to change/do them up. I have merely pointed out once or twice that they are undone, to which she replies with the losing weight thing. I've even replied with "you don't need to lose weight, you look fine" type answers, but hey ho.

DS is too little, so the fact that I'm uncomfortable with it is irrelevant.

OP posts:
keepcalmandkickon · 13/03/2014 12:27

My mum did this Sad

I remember going round one day and she had someone from the electricity company and was wearing trousers that couldnt be done up at the front (so no zip or top button) and you could see pretty much all of the front of her knickers........she explained it as refusing to buy trousers that fitted because that would mean admitting she was a size whatever.....

But, my mum is also an alcoholic with depression so I am sure that had more to do with it than anything else.

It was awful though, she looked like she had completely given up on herself.

MatryoshkaDoll · 13/03/2014 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBody · 13/03/2014 12:39

what do you mean by the comment, shes not his mother however much she would like to be?? what's that about? why would she want a toddler again?

to be fair she sounds great to step up and give you free child care whereas you sound a bit mean.

BornFreeButinChains · 13/03/2014 12:39

Hillarious problem, but all the same I wish this was all that was wrong with my MIL Grin infact we would get on better if she was more relaxed like this!

bragmatic · 13/03/2014 12:40

Leave it. Your DC won't even notice.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/03/2014 12:40

It's not a criminal offence to be out and about showing your knickers gertie even if you don't also have trousers on.

It's odd behaviour but not damaging to your child I should ignore it.

She really can do what ever she wants with her knickers, I would however laugh and point out the knickers when ever she passed comment on my dress

BornFreeButinChains · 13/03/2014 12:41

I just hope, anyone commenting on this makes sure they dont show us all their crack when bending down with little ones.

The amount of times women bend down at toddler groups and display their builders bum...all sorts hanging out...

TheBody · 13/03/2014 12:41

the op says she doesn't know of her mil does go out like that though?

she sees her at home and at her house. not out.

arnt you lot wearing coats and jumpers where you are now. freezing here.

Original poster
JayoftheRed · 13/03/2014 12:42

DH won't say anything. Unless I really kicked up a fuss, in which case he would mumble something at her and then tell me to put up with it. And in this case, he'd be right.

I'm not kicking up a fuss, I've never said anything to her further than "your zip is undone." I just wanted to see if others felt I was being unreasonable in feeling uncomfortable with it. As most people do, and not just unreasonable but downright nasty, spiteful and mean to feel this way, I shall take it no further.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/03/2014 12:46

body you are doing that thing again, you know the one where you practically leap all over a poster and try and rip her words to shreds and get all unnecessary, because she has dared to criticise something a mil has done

Perhaps this grandparent occasional forgets the differences between her relationship with the child and the parents relationship,lots and lots of grandparents do its not confined to mils and the op is in a better position than you to feel this may be the case

Feminine · 13/03/2014 12:51

what is her age?

ipswichwitch · 13/03/2014 12:51

I wouldn't worry about it. When your son is a wee bit older and taking great delight in pointing out grannys pants to the checkout lady/postman/bus driver/random passers by she'll get fed up and pick another (hopefully less.bizarre method) of reminding herself to lose weight.

Original poster
JayoftheRed · 13/03/2014 12:52

TheBody - her life revolves around my DS. She wouldn't give him back if she didn't have to.

I never asked her to look after DS when I went back to work. She offered, months before hand. Obviously, her looking after him helps me out immensely and I'm very grateful. But even if I could afford childcare, she'd want him and would make such a fuss that she'd probably get him to avoid the drama. She demands weekend visits every week, although we've got them down to every other weekend as otherwise I don't actually get to spend any time with him, because even if I'm there at the weekend visits, it's very hard to get anywhere near him, she rules supreme. Even at our house.

She doesn't treat him or spoil him, no presents or anything like that, just constant attention, never letting anyone else hold him (not such an issue now as he won't be held, but when he was tiny) for more than about 2 minutes (and that includes my parents, me, my DH etc.) She takes him away from people when he's playing with them, she takes toys away from him and makes him play with the toys she wants him to play with…

I've given up these battles, there's no point in trying to explain that I would like to spend my Saturdays with him. DH haggled with her, she gets him a day and a half in the week (which I am very grateful for) and she sees him for most of the day every other Saturday. As I saw my grandparents three times a year as a child, I think that's fairly generous.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 13/03/2014 12:56

Well you really don't like her do you - you stare the bare minimum of time and dictate what she should wear.

Find some paid childcare

TillyTellTale · 13/03/2014 12:57

Can we give Blu a prize for calling the knicker-flashing MIL exxectric?