AIBU to ask my MIL to do up her trousers?

[JayoftheRed]

Hi all, I'm new here but wondering if I'm being a bit unreasonable about my MIL's trousers.

I have one son, he's 14 months and about 4 months ago I went back to work. Thankfully, my mum and MIL stepped up and offered to help with childcare as there's no way I could afford to send him to a nursery.

My MIL has him a day and a half a week, and everything is fine, we get on OK (although not great - I don't see her outside of dropping DS off if I can manage it). The thing I think I might be unreasonable about is that quite often when I drop him off, she answers the door in a pair of trousers with the zip undone. She doesn't wear long tops to cover it, so it's perfectly obvious to anyone, and you can see her knickers. I don't like it, I think it's totally unnecessary - she has other trousers.

I have mentioned it a few times "Oh, MIL, your trousers are undone" type thing, like anyone might. But she just smiles and says "yes, these trousers don't fit, I wear them to remind myself to lose weight."

She hasn't ever lost any weight, not to the point where these trousers will do up anyway, and besides, she's not a big woman by any means, (maybe a size 12?) so doesn't really need to worry about it, IMO.

I've mentioned it once or twice recently, but she really doesn't seem interested. I'm really not comfortable with her having DS with her pants on display; she takes him out to playgroup and to the park and library etc, with her pants on show for all to see.

Am I being unreasonable that I really don't want my son out with her like this? I don't think it's suitable for an older lady who isn't his mother (however much she'd like to be) to be showing her underwear. I also feel that it's hypocritical - when I wear little strappy tops where you can see my bra straps, she tuts and says it's inappropriate.

Sorry for the length, but I'm wondering, should I insist that she wear trousers that fit when she's looking after DS or should I just leave it?

I think most of you are right, I don't need to worry about it. Personally, I just feel uncomfortable about it, but hey.

Is having your fly down and your knickers on show suitable for a woman of any age?

I wouldn't worry about your 14 month old. He won't care.

What does your DH think? She's his mother, so I'd say it's his job to have embarrassing conversations about flashing her knickers at play group rather than yours.

You can see most of the front - although only knicker material and nothing underneath!

I don't know for certain that she wears them when she takes him out, so arguably, she might change, I suppose. It's just she's worn these trousers to our house before for dinner, which I didn't like, but didn't say anything, and she's still wearing them when I pick him up at the end of the day, so I can only assume she is wearing them all day.

But hey, I guess if she wants to wander round town with her pants on display, that's her problem. DS is too small, I suppose, to be bothered.

She goes to the play group/library/park with her knickers on show?
AND YOU THINK THAT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT?

Gertiegusset - yes, I did. But then I was told that I should just be grateful that she has DS at all, and let her do/wear what she likes.

I can't afford childcare, and politely pointing out that her flies are undone - I've never asked her to change or told her what to wear, by the way - would result her telling me to take a flying leap and I should be lucky to have her in my life.

So what can I do? I shall leave her to get on with it and hope that perhaps a playgroup leader or similar will mention it to her and ask her not to wear those trousers when at the group. That's more likely to get through to her than me. I shall just ignore it.

You sound like my daughter when she was carping on about how embarrassing her parents were.
Except she was 9 and got told to switch off the attitude.

You sound like you need to grow up and remember how much MIL is enabling your life. Letting your pants be seen is odd but if she's fine with it does it really matter? You sound petty and as if you dislike her. Have an adult conversation about the issues you have or stop trying to nit pick stupid things to try and make your point.
You are being your own worst enemy by crying wolf over such trivial things and by the time you want a bit of support to deal with your relationship issues it's likely you'll have already devalued your stock.

YABU.

Presumably she has the top button done up so the trousers stay up? If so I don't get how having the fly undone can remind her to lose weight? Unless the top button is undone too, in which case, yes they'd fall down.

What a peculiar woman.

When he gets bigger, he'll be able to laugh because he can see his Nan's pants. Pants are hilarious to small children.

That'll almost certainly put a stop to it.

It sounds like the sort of thing I might do in the house, are you sure she goes out in those trousers? I would be a bit embarrassed if she went out like it. It is a bit odd and certainly unnecessary.
I agree you probably find it more annoying as you seem to dislike her. I find my mil constantly farting less charmingly eccentric than I might if I liked her more.

Her jacket would cover her 'doon bys' surely?

She must have people politely telling her in hushed tones that her fly is down all day long.

I dont see why this bothers you so much yabu.

She could get changed when going out or even put a coat on that covers the trousers. Unless you've actually been out in public with her with her knickers on show, its a bit much to be assuming that.

I really don't think your son will give a hoot... different matter if she was going commando, but at least she has knickers on.

Maybe see how kind it is of her to look after your ds for the time she does. Also it sounds like shes putting lots of effort in with park and playgroups etc. Like you say she might very well change her trousers before going out. There are loads of threads on here where parents are really sad at a lack of interest from grandparents.

Sorry, bit slow in my typing. It does sound likely she wears them out of the house. Does she have other little eccentricities or is this an odd blip?

I would say outright 'you don't wear those trousers out do you? Please don't its a bit bonkers'

seriously I would say that in a jokey way - I wouldn't be happy with it out of the house, it sounds as though she might be a bit odd or depressed

When she next tuts at your bra straps showing, just come back with a jaunty 'youre a fine one to talk - straps, schmaps, not really anything to see. Especially from somebody who delights in flashing her knickers to the world all the time! That's much worse than a bit of strap showing!

I dont generally try to 'control people out of embarrassment' - in fact i've never been in a situation like the op's.

Its not really about 'dress sense' is it, either?

Perhaps i'm picturing something different to everyone else? i'm picturing the woman with her jeans or trousers literally hanging open and the crutch of her drawers on display. Perhaps i'm wrong and she does have the button done up? OP?

I honestly would be a bit weird about my MIL taking my kid to playgroup like this.

Perhaps i'm wrong and she does have the button done up?

I believe this to be the most pressing issue of my morning. Please confirm forthwith, OP.

I hate this "if you don't like it, pay for childcare" attitude people come out with, it really gets my back up. While I'm not sure this is that much of an issue (I'd file it in the mad but harmless pile), you are perfectly entitled to raise things which make you uncomfortable or which you dislike about the way anyone looks after your child, whether you're paying for them to do so or not.

I reckon she can do them up, it's just uncomfortable. I would hope/assume she does them up when they go out.

I've certainly had work trousers on all day and then unzipped them for a bit at home before changing into something more comfortable!

Yes, buts OP isn't uncomfortable enough to get alternative child care.That's what really gets my back up.

ViviPru In order to go some way to relieving the pressure you must be feeling on this issue, I can state my belief that the button is undone. My evidence is thus "You can see most of the front - although only knicker material and nothing underneath!" If the button was done up you would only see a flash of knicker through the gaping fly.

No, no button. They are open in a V shape from the waist to just above the crotch. You can't see anything other than pants material, so it's not dreadfully disgusting or anything. I don't quite know how they stay up, other than they're quite tight round her thighs so maybe they stay put there so the waist band doesn't matter? They're actually quite nice, smart trousers, so if they were done up, they'd look quite nice, and as I said, she's not a large woman at all, so it's not as though she's got a big tummy overhang or anything.

I've never asked her to change or demanded that she do them up/put something else on. I was just asking if I was unreasonable to find it uncomfortable to leave my son, who is the absolute centre of my world, with a woman who walks around and takes him out (I believe, but I'm not 100% certain) in trousers with the flies undone.