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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my MIL to do up her trousers?

156 replies

JayoftheRed · 13/03/2014 11:05

Hi all, I'm new here but wondering if I'm being a bit unreasonable about my MIL's trousers.

I have one son, he's 14 months and about 4 months ago I went back to work. Thankfully, my mum and MIL stepped up and offered to help with childcare as there's no way I could afford to send him to a nursery.

My MIL has him a day and a half a week, and everything is fine, we get on OK (although not great - I don't see her outside of dropping DS off if I can manage it). The thing I think I might be unreasonable about is that quite often when I drop him off, she answers the door in a pair of trousers with the zip undone. She doesn't wear long tops to cover it, so it's perfectly obvious to anyone, and you can see her knickers. I don't like it, I think it's totally unnecessary - she has other trousers.

I have mentioned it a few times "Oh, MIL, your trousers are undone" type thing, like anyone might. But she just smiles and says "yes, these trousers don't fit, I wear them to remind myself to lose weight."

She hasn't ever lost any weight, not to the point where these trousers will do up anyway, and besides, she's not a big woman by any means, (maybe a size 12?) so doesn't really need to worry about it, IMO.

I've mentioned it once or twice recently, but she really doesn't seem interested. I'm really not comfortable with her having DS with her pants on display; she takes him out to playgroup and to the park and library etc, with her pants on show for all to see.

Am I being unreasonable that I really don't want my son out with her like this? I don't think it's suitable for an older lady who isn't his mother (however much she'd like to be) to be showing her underwear. I also feel that it's hypocritical - when I wear little strappy tops where you can see my bra straps, she tuts and says it's inappropriate.

Sorry for the length, but I'm wondering, should I insist that she wear trousers that fit when she's looking after DS or should I just leave it?

OP posts:

SometimesLonely · 13/03/2014 14:02

OP, how do you know that your MiL takes your DS to the park with her flies undone and showing her pants to the world? I thought you went to work .....

StealthPolarBear · 13/03/2014 14:05

Just to mention the mil is saving them both a lot of money and helping them out
Glad to see the attitude that childcare is wimmins responsibility is alive and well on mn

candycoatedwaterdrops · 13/03/2014 14:08

WhoDaresWins - concerns about mental health do not mean she is not an adequate childcare provider FFS.

Flexiblefriend · 13/03/2014 14:09

YANBU to feel a bit uncomfortable about the pants thing, it does sound weird although I don't think there is much point saying anything about it as she is obviously happy to flash her knickers to all and sundry. I do think you are getting an unreasonably hard time about this though.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/03/2014 14:09

I don't use anybody ever for free childcare because its not something I'm comfortable with no matter how much I trust and like them but I can understand completely why it would be a potentially very attractive solution when it comes to a grandparent you dislike.

It's good for children to have nice relationships with grandparents keeping it to regular childcare is a way of you only having minimal contact at handover yet the kids get regular visits with them your less likely to be negative with them because they are doing you a favour and they get the pleasure of the visits without having to deal with you.

aquashiv · 13/03/2014 14:10

Mrs Mills says that in such circumstances you should present MIL with a pinny. Preferably with something witty on the front, so as to save her feelings and your blushes.

You might want to reflect further on your penchant for the strappy top. Ask yourself are ones arms up to being revealed. It's amazing what a few bicep curls with a tin of Baked Beans can achieve.

MinesAPintOfTea · 13/03/2014 14:14

TheBody that's because no-one (including me) starts a thread saying how perfect their MiL is, that she is always at the end of the phone, happy to babysit when its convenient but respects reasonable boundaries. Because there's nothing to discuss there.

OP YANBU to wish she would, and if this is unusual behaviour for her I'd start wondering whether she is still healthy or if your DH should suggest a trip to the GP.

fullerlonger · 13/03/2014 14:14

ok this thread has made me realise that there are a lot of totally bizarro attitudes on mumsnet! It is NOT NORMAL to go out with your pants showing and just because the OP is getting free childcare doesn't mean she has to accept it! I would think it was a sign of incipient mental problems OR perhaps a current depression (if mild). I would mention it to her face though, absolutely no question.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 13/03/2014 14:19

My grandmother has undone her button when she is feeling bloated or gassy. She is 81 and is sharp as a tack.

How do you know f she walks round like this when your in work ?

Original poster

JayoftheRed · 13/03/2014 14:23

Cigarettes and your snap judgement when you don't know the situation does you no credit.

She practically begged to look after DS when I went back to work. We never asked. she has asked me a couple of times if I want to pick up more hours, she's happy to have him. She loves spending time with him and he with her and she frequently asks to babysit.

DH doesn't like her because she made his childhood miserable. He has a very dutiful relationship with her and we are capable of having a pleasant evening with them with no nastiness. But there is no deeper relationship and he doesn't seek her out.

I do not want to stop her from seeing and bonding with DS. Yes I wish i didn't have to work but I do and I do genuinely know how lucky I am to have two people who are willing and happy to look after him.

I don't know why we are even talking about this. I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable to not like it when she wears a certain pair of trousers. I see that I am. If I'd asked whether it was unreasonable if she wore the same trousers to dinner, would I have had the same vitriol? But because she looks after my child, I have no right to feel anything? I should just be grateful (which I am) and forget any other feelings.

I would be doing far more damage to relationships if I took him away and put him in paid childcare than if I mentioned the trousers. I shall do neither. But thank you all for your unkind comments. I now feel like a huge bitch for daring to feel a certain way.

OP posts:

deakymom · 13/03/2014 14:26

buy her a long top?

candycoatedwaterdrops · 13/03/2014 14:29

You're not a bitch. Your mil sounds eccentric but dont sweat the small stuff. Wait till your son is old enough to notice and announce it very loudly in the library. Ibet she wouls zip up pdq!

fluffyraggies · 13/03/2014 14:29

... she answers the door in a pair of trousers with the zip undone. She doesn't wear long tops ... and you can see her knickers .... she takes him out to playgroup and to the park and library etc, with her pants on show for all to see.

So, we have established that it's button too, the whole flap open thing.

Now (vivi ) we need to get to the nitty-gritty of weather she is indeed going to play group like it don't we.

MinesAPintOfTea · 13/03/2014 14:30

What did she do that made your DH's childhood miserable? And is she in danger of doing the same to your DS?

Thisvehicleisreversing · 13/03/2014 14:33

Is she related to my mil?

She always wears inside out, baggy men's tshirts over old lady trousers from charity shops (she's only 54)

However she adores the DCs and they her so I couldn't give a fig about what she wears except when laughing with DH later

fluffyraggies · 13/03/2014 14:33

OP, it's AIBU. You always need a tin hat on when you post here Don't take it to heart.

FWIW i don't think YABU about the knickers. If indeed she's out about like it.

OpalQuartz · 13/03/2014 14:35

Yep. That's a bit bonkers.

justmuddlingalong · 13/03/2014 14:39

You have every right to feel anyway you want to feel. But don't bad mouth her for behaviour which you don't like, while trusting her with your Ds. If your Dh had such a miserable childhood with her, why the hell are you getting her to watch your son?

LiberalLibertine · 13/03/2014 14:44

Yes op, don't take it to heart,I don't think you're a bitch, but I also don't think she's got her knickers on show at play group!

Having put on a whole other persons worth touch of weight myself, I've worn trousers undone with a long top, only as long as it took me to admit my size go buy new ones, but no one knew as I was covered when outside.

SallyMcgally · 13/03/2014 14:45

I think OP's been given a really rough time here. Loads of people don't particularly like their parents/ in law. But if MIL is desperate to look after her DGC and it helps everyone out then of course you'd accept. It doesn't sound as if OP is unpleasant to her MIL at all. IN fact she seems to make every allowance for the MIL to be in her life.
And yes, OP, walking around and answering the door with your pants on display is very weird behaviour indeed. It's even weirder to say that you're doing it on purpose once it's been pointed out to you.

Curlyweasel · 13/03/2014 14:46

See? This is what happens with AIBU. You post one thing, but actually there's usually a bigger issue.

Re her pants - you've every right to mention them; just as your MIL feels she has every right to mention your strappy tops. Perhaps next time the matter comes up, you can make your point but then reach an entente cordiale and agree to disagree (if her fanny's not on show, I don't think it's a massive issue).

Re childcare - I don't think you're being nasty or hypocritical. You married DH, not MIL - you get some good MILs and some bad. Thems the breaks. It doesn't mean she can't have a good relationship with your DS. Absolutely no reason to put him paid for child care - would just be cutting off your nose etc.

A couple of half days a week contact is not a huge amount. It's just the sacrifice you've had to make to go back to work.

All will be well. xx

AngelaDaviesHair · 13/03/2014 14:51

I don't think you're a bitch. Get rid of scheduled Saturday visits, OP. Your MIL sees your DS enough, you need the time with him. And when she is there, don't constantly defer to her over DS. If there is a battle to be fought here, it's this one.

SallyMcgally · 13/03/2014 14:53

But I have to say that this thread has had me roaring with laughter - sorry it's been a crap experience for you though OP.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 13/03/2014 15:03

jay she begged you, did she? The fact that you couldn't work if it wasn't for her shows you should be showing her some gratitude or respect for doing this for you!

She made your dh miserable when he was a child? But your more than willing to send your child there too?!

This is where I got my judgments from, your posts.

Ok horrible maybe harsh..... ungrateful is more apt.

Also did you mention how you know she wanders around the streets looking like this when your in work? I can't find it.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 13/03/2014 15:05

And also now it's a certain pair of trouser. So not every time she went out.

You just wanted to bitch about her really didn't you?

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