to think the mental impact of divorce on children is severely underestimated?

[InsanityandBeyond]

Contentious topic .

DC often get an absolutely shit deal when marriages break up and often have to accept their separated parents embarking on new relationships and having to be part of a 'blended' family with DCs from the stepmother/father added into the mix.

Some step/parents that complain about finding these DC hard work and their behaviour difficult to deal with. Not exactly rocket science that DC will be disturbed by having to share living space, and time with their parents, with people they are not related to and not having the security of living with, and focused attention of, both parents which is their birthright.

A lot of marriages break up way too easily these days as the parents want to be 'happy' or have 'fallen out of love', 'want a newer model' etc, etc with the DC dragged along for the ride with no choice in the matter.

In terms of abusive relationships, it could be argued that you should know your partner and their background well before bringing children into the equation which seems to be a very controversial view .

Is it really impossible for adults to put their 'happiness' and new relationships, which would have an impact on their DC, on hold until their children are grown up?

The damage is often played out when they become adults as children will accept almost anything from their parents as a survival mechanism until they are old enough to question it. It is thought that DC are resilient and will get over it but I think that is a fallacy self absorbed parents tell themselves to make themselves feel better.

My 17 year old DD is the only person on her college course whose parents are still together. I find that shocking and really sad.

AIBU in thinking that this is a ticking time bomb in an explosion of mental health issues in the next generation and the implications of divorce/separation on children's mental health should be much more ingrained in the morality of society?

I am just recovering from being discriminated in the work place for being a single mum. Of course I can't prove it but I'm pretty sure there were a few snobs even though I have excellent qualifications and interpersonal skills. ( I hope). I was basically 'managed out' . Cough.

oh rooners I am sorry that other people go through this same crap but it is so reassuring at the same time. People like single parents to be at the bottom of whichever heap they need us to be at the bottom of...and when we're not, it causes problems for them. Rather than think it through and say 'gosh, I sucuumbed to a stereotype there, didn't I? I'm sorry...' they just keep on digging that hole!!!

So now on top of the guilt I feel about my DS's father walking out on us, and (gasp) me finally divorcing him 6 years later, I should feel disgusted at myself for daring to find happiness with a new DP who is (shock horror) also a divorcee. Inevitably our shared DCs are going to be permanently damaged by our caring, loving, happy, peacefull, nurturing and emotionally stable relationship.

Obviously my DS was so much better off when I was a lonely single mother struggling to make ends meet. And DPs DDs were better off with desperately unhappy parents who wouldn't share the same bed or talk to each other for weeks on end.

Ignorant twats in the schoolyard are more damaging to children than parents hell bent on hating eachother more than they love their kids and parents who use kids as pawns in their post divorce hate campaign.

Who knew

coco Many of the 'poor outcomes' you talk about can be ascribed to poverty. Single parents are more likely to be poor. It's always a good idea to look at what is behind claims about children brought up in single parent households. Here are some figures:
Children in single parent families are twice as likely as children in couple families to live in relative poverty. Over four in every 10 (43 per cent) children in single parent families are poor, compared to just over two in 10 (22 per cent) of children in couple families (17)
source here

I'm not sure where you get your figures for the 'outcomes' for children in blended families but would be interested to see them.

Mumandboys123 thank you. I appreciate every single word you have written. The life you have described is a far, far more realistic view of single parenthood. (FWIW I believe I have helped preserve my dd's mental health and (hopefully) will let her see that the relationship between myself and her father (xh) is NOT a typical or healthy relationship and will not end up going through what I did.)

Addressing Coco's point about the outcomes for DCs in single parent households being poorer than those from a 2 parent household. This was a fear of mine. I raised a child from birth on my own. I married when he was 5 and had 2 more DCs. DS doesn't have any contact with his bio father who chose to leave and be NC.

It is hard being a single parent. I was managed out of my job too. Allowances were not made for me caring for a small DC with glue ear so when I had too much emergency leave I was effectively bullied out of my (all female) work place. I had no support via the CSA and had to take a series of low paid jobs to keep our home. Without financial support from parents I wouldn't have managed some months. The stress was horrendous. So my issue isn't that it was me being alone that was the problem - the issue was the lack of flexibility society has for single parents and their DCs.

Being a lone parent to DS was fine. He was a breeze. Dealing with everyone else's bullshit was what nearly broke me.

My parents divorced when I was 8-9, they were good parents. My DM got a new boyfriend shortly after and he moved in with us within a year. I HATED it. And yes it affected me profoundly and although I love her have always thought of her as selfish and that she put herself and her relationships before me and my siblings.

She split with him when I was 11 and got a new man who she ended up marrying. Again less than a year and he moved in with us.

I imagine life would have turned out profoundly better for me had she remained single or atleast lived alone until I was grown up. It ruined my sense of safety, control over my environment and feeling of having a proper family when she moved him in and then his daughter came to stay all the time aswell. We barely had family time alone after that.

Luckily they ended up splitting after 5 years of marriage and DM now lives alone despite having a boyfriend. She realises what a mistake it is moving a man in when 2 of her DC's are still living at home (I'm not). She has said often she regrets moving her blokes in with us. Bit late now as I went off the rails at school which ended with me being gang raped and getting involved with allsorts of rubbish including being sexually exploited for several years by different Asian men, all due to the instability and lack of feeling like I belonged at home.

Me and DM get on well now and as I said I love her, but it makes me sad I may never be able to forgive her for how her decisions affected such important years of my life and development.

Why is cocoa expected to reference all her statements about the impact of parental separation/ blended families on children?
The research is freely available for anyone to see.
Poster after poster has stated that parents staying opener when they're unhappy is worse for a child than separation. No requests for references.
But someone makes a completely valid point about a pretty well documented issue and theres the popular MN demand for peer reviewed papers.
We all have to do what we have to do.
But it's erroneous to believe that children are as happy as is often made out when their parents split up and they're expected to take on new families.

Not opener sorry, together.

Sorry honey

twofingers we have never been poor or lived in poverty, both parents have always had good jobs, their own home and I've never gone without. My parents divorce and the subsequent decisions of my mother STILL profoundly effected me and ruined my life in a lot of ways.

It annoys me when people say no ones kids ever suffer from social and relationship problems unless the family live in poverty. Its a load of rubbish.

I don't think anyone has said that. They have said not all kids do. It's vastly different

It annoys me when people say no ones kids ever suffer from social and relationship problems unless the family live in poverty. Its a load of rubbish.
Eh?
Who said that?

Missymarmite I am sorry for your situation, it must be very hard having your DS father walk out on you.

Its not the parents 'loving, happy, nurturing' relationship that damages children. Its a combination of feeling like you have no proper family unit, no control over your own environment or the fact strange man and children can just come and stay in your home whenever they like, regardless of how you feel about it, and sometimes (not all, depends on the parent) feeling like your parents new partner and life is more important than your happiness and stability.

This can be combated by not having your DP move in until your DS has grown up or has known his new family well for several years without having them intrude on his home and personal space, and proving your relationship is stable and not forcing your DP and his family on your children.

I'm sure you'll manage all this though, as you sound like a thoughtful parent.

Many women cannot see past the notion of 'happy mother, happy child'. This statement is a load of codswallop and sometimes doing something that might not be what you want to do (ie not moving your new DP in for atleast several years) will be the difference between your child going off the rails and having to deal with the fall out of that for the rest of their lives or them feeling stable and happy, doing well at school and growing up mentally and emotionally prepared for adult life.

Thanks for the link, Gideon. To add to it, here's one from the University of London, commissioned by the Dept. of Education (in its previous guise as Dept. for children, schools and families), pointing out that while there is a measurable and statistically significant difference in outcomes, the "effect size" is small (this is a statistical term meaning that the difference between the two populations is small compared to the differences between individuals within each population). It also notes that (the old chesnut of correlation isn't cause) the main drivers behind poor outcomes are parental conflict and income levels.

I know it's bad form to quote other threads, but frankly I don't care - the OP told me on a thread last week that childcare was so bad for my child that even as a single parent I should have given up my job and lived on benefits (yes, and had my house repossessed and everything that goes with it) rather than use childcare. She really does have form for being deliberately extreme and inflammatory.

twofingers, there are posts trying to justify certain things because its 'mostly children in poverty who are affected by divorce'.

Its mostly children in poverty who are affected by drug and alcohol addiction, doesn't mean they wouldn't be affected by it if they were from a well off family with addiction problems.

I know from several personal experiences many women will do absolutely anything to justify to themselves their post divorce decisions with regards to new man and home situation. 'I'm happier therefore my child must be', 'we have more money' as if that all of a sudden compensates for a messed up family unit and the fact your expected to accept some strange man and his children as your 'family' and them in your personal space all of a sudden.

Honey I'm truly sorry about what you went through however you can't judge every situation by your own experiences.

Not every child goes through or feels how you did. Often a step parent is a welcome and positive influence in a childs life.

I think if you post 'It is well documented, well researched fact.' you are effectively looking to shut down conversation and it is not unreasonable to ask for references, and to think that the poster should be able to produce them fairly easily. 'Just Google it' is a bit of a rubbish response in my mind.

Plus I have just Googled 'research on effects of divorce on children'

and found that it's not clear cut at all, and that surprise surprise the biggest issue is the degree of marital conflict.

www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-divorce-bad-for-children/

www.apa.org/about/gr/issues/cyf/divorce.aspx

Of course it also depends on which articles and papers happen to turn up in the search. Google is not a good literature search tool, and often all you can access is articles about research papers, which may or may not provide an accurate and unbiased summary.

I've not read all the responses. There are always exceptions but I think that in general it would be better if more people did not rush into marriage and were less selfish within relationships. It would be better if less children ended up going through divorces and all they entail or suffered from bad marriages on the brink of divorce. Obviously not all bad marriages and divorces can be avoided by being more careful with your choice of partner and by being more considerate of your spouse once you have one but if more people did things like this it would lower the number of children affected.

My parents stayed together and it really fucked me up and I have never had a decent relationship. I always think if they had split up and been happy and been decent role models in regards to how relationship should be I wouldn't have so many problems in regards to relationship/self esteem.

My Dad left when I (the youngest) was 18. It took me a while to realise he had 'stayed for the sake of the children'.
I don't know if it was the right thing to do. They had really bad times before he left, DV etc.. on both sides. It shouldn't have got that far.
But then my mum had a really tough time living on her own, she had no money, and died young.
I don't know the answer but I do wish it could have been better for them.

Children in step families are more likely to be sexually abused aswell. I know that was the case with me.

My problem is not with divorce which imo cannot be avoided a lot of the time, it is with mothers who believe their right to have a new serious relationship and 'be happy' trumps any rights their kids have. Most of the time they don't even believe this, just delude themselves that if they are happy their kids will be. Its a load of rubbish, even if your relationship is nurturing and loving, even if you are well off, even if the child still has a good relationship with their father.

If I split with my DP when we have our child, I will not EVER move a strange man/new boyfriend in with us. My home is my babies home aswell, and I know all to well how awful it is and how unstable and unloving it feels to have this happen when you are a child who just isn't ready for it, and seemingly your mother couldn't care less because she is happy.

twofingers, there are posts trying to justify certain things because its 'mostly children in poverty who are affected by divorce'.

I don't think anyone on this thread has said it's 'mostly children in poverty who are affected by divorce.' I certainly haven't.