to think the mental impact of divorce on children is severely underestimated?

[InsanityandBeyond]

Contentious topic .

DC often get an absolutely shit deal when marriages break up and often have to accept their separated parents embarking on new relationships and having to be part of a 'blended' family with DCs from the stepmother/father added into the mix.

Some step/parents that complain about finding these DC hard work and their behaviour difficult to deal with. Not exactly rocket science that DC will be disturbed by having to share living space, and time with their parents, with people they are not related to and not having the security of living with, and focused attention of, both parents which is their birthright.

A lot of marriages break up way too easily these days as the parents want to be 'happy' or have 'fallen out of love', 'want a newer model' etc, etc with the DC dragged along for the ride with no choice in the matter.

In terms of abusive relationships, it could be argued that you should know your partner and their background well before bringing children into the equation which seems to be a very controversial view .

Is it really impossible for adults to put their 'happiness' and new relationships, which would have an impact on their DC, on hold until their children are grown up?

The damage is often played out when they become adults as children will accept almost anything from their parents as a survival mechanism until they are old enough to question it. It is thought that DC are resilient and will get over it but I think that is a fallacy self absorbed parents tell themselves to make themselves feel better.

My 17 year old DD is the only person on her college course whose parents are still together. I find that shocking and really sad.

AIBU in thinking that this is a ticking time bomb in an explosion of mental health issues in the next generation and the implications of divorce/separation on children's mental health should be much more ingrained in the morality of society?

No. Googling is not the best method for a literature search IMO.

But honey that's getting a bit close to "paedo lurking in every bush" territory. Really, most step dads are fine. Some are not. The same is true of biological fathers - most are fine, a minority are not. (NB no personal ax to grind here, haven't even had a shag for years, much less tried to move a man in - and yes, I would think damn hard about DS's needs, and his needs would come first - but that is not the same as saying "never ever").

There are posts on this thread that suggest the negative effects of parental separation are largely attributed to subsequent financial problems, rather than the impact of experiencing one's parents breaking up.

It's sometimes a load of rubbish. Sometimes it isn't.

Meepmeep Im not disagreeing steparents can be great. I love my stepmother. Their relationship is solid, I've never had her forced on me when I wasn't ready and I never got the feeling her presence in my fathers house is more important and significant than mine. I think its easier on the child the younger they are when the new step parent comes along, if its the only one they've ever known, and most importantly if the relationship is stable and established before the step parent is' forced' on the child.

Many women though take the fact it works for some families as a guarantee it will be great for their kids too, because after all new man is so lovely, supportive, nurturing blah blah blah.

I never once said my thoughts are representative of everyone's so no idea where that came from.

Dysfunction in Familes can impact,irrespective of married or not
Marriage isn't a force field of protection
And it's of no relevance if many in her family have divorced parents

Lurcio I wasn't just referring to step parents being abusers. Often young people feel left out and like they don't belong in their new family and they can end up getting involved with abusers outside the family unit.

twofingers not sure whether I read right but I meant affected negatively by a divorce, not that divorce mostly happens in families in poverty. My being affected negatively by divorce had nothing to do with finances, it was all to do with the home situation feeling unstable and improper.

Plenty of attempting to justify certain things on here, no doubt because it makes the mother happy. Thats up to them, my DM has lived with the regret of rushing step parents into her kids lives for years now.

Why is cocoa expected to reference all her statements about the impact of parental separation/ blended families on children?
The research is freely available for anyone to see

Then it wouldn't be difficult to produce it, surely?

I'm off this thread now but I will say I have also known people (my own DM and my OH) whose warring parents staying together messed them up also. This is part of the reason why DM didn't see a problem with moving a man SHE was happy with into the house within a year. She saw her parents constantly arguing and unhappy, and has told me herself she took the view if they were happy, she would have been too.

My OH grew up with rubbish alcoholic parents who always argued, not a loving relationship whatsoever and SIL very much copies her mothers relationship with her father in her relationship now. Her partner always steals her money to go off on drug and drink binges every weekend, just like her father used to do to her mother. She knows its wrong, is always kicking him out but at the end of the day she has never had any better example of a relationship. She hasnt the self esteem to get rid.

Which is why I agree with divorce. But I also think the best thing for children afterwards is to not have strangers move into their home and for the parents to use the after divorce time to install some love and stability back into their child as divorce IS hard for children rather than using it to put all their mental and emotional energy into finding a new man, something that usually only benefits themselves.

Or look for it.

The point is that posters arguing that "staying together for the sake of the DCs" is worse than separating have not had their assertions challenged in that way.

For me, it wasn't the divorce.

It was a 4 year affair between my mother and my fathers then-best-friend.

And then the way she left with no explanation the Monday after Mother's Day. And the way she belittled me (I was 12, my gran stood up for me) for "asking questions" and "being a bother" when I did see her.

I have chronic psychiatric issues at age 43. There hasn't been a single mh professional I've seen that doesn't credit the way my parents split (and I in no way ever blame my fantastic dad, he was left, he did what he could in 1983!) with the reasons for my recurrent depression and personality disorder. My mother caused these, I haven't spoken to her in 10 years and never will again. The mental impact of my parents split will never leave me.

It's not the same for all divorces, but my parents handled it badly (mother left, then moved to London - we were in Scotland - then the south of France with no notice. I was never in the loop - even when they moved back to Scotland 12 years ago.

She's dead to me.

Actually we have. We've been told (by OP) we don't know what we're talking about because our parents didn't separate so we can't actually know that that would have been better. And most of us are speaking from personal experience rather than making a general comment about all children in unhappy families.

I can absolutely relate to what 22honey is saying. She isn't getting the enthusiastic endorsement & ticker tape parade of some other posters, so obviously it is not what people want to hear. That doesn't make her experience any less valid.

Divorce is a horrible experience for children, the fact that they are resilient doesn't mean they don't suffer.

It sometimes feels like suggesting that divorce could be a less than optimal experience for children is the ultimate Mumsnet taboo.

It seems most likely that each situation or family is different.
And that disharmony is not good for children.
But there are a great many parents who appear to minimise the effect on their children of having to adjust to a blended family. New step parents are to be accepted joyfully. I think plenty of people get so wrapped up in the excitement a new relationship that they convince themselves it's just as great for the dcs. Lots of ppl minimise the impact of their behaviour on their children
And many ppl minimise the effects of their own childhood experiences on their health and well being.
"it never did me Any harm"

I agree Ithaka.

Of course ideally people wouldn't get divorced, but that's because ideally they wouldn't be put in a position where divorce would be an option. But once it is, it's often the best option.

I don't know, I'm trying to think of an analogy... Amputation is not something you'd wish on anybody, but if their foot is gangrenous it's the very best thing. A marriage can be so irretrievably over that a formal and complete split is absolutely the best thing.

That said, today I bumped into a divorced friend - I am friends with her and also with her ex-husband. And I just don't believe they tried hard enough. Both of them have a history of very intense but short relationships that they seem to abandon with rather less provocation than most people would need.

Yes ithaka

Countess running with your analogy; it would be dismissive to suggest that having the amputation wasn't traumatic. Or that the amputee should be properly chuffed with their prosthetic.

But is anyone saying it isn't traumatic? Just that the alternatives can be as bad, if not worse. Not in all cases, but sometimes.

Gah, reading MN, I was under the impression most people don't bother with the marriage part, much less a divorce.

I'm sorry for the way things went for you 22honey but I really disagree with some of the things you've said.

Undoubtedly the way your DM went about things is not ideal and you have suffered as a result but that does not mean that every single mother should do the exact opposite and remain single until their children are grown up!

My sons are 7 and 6 so potentially you feel I should have another minimum 12years where I am not allowed a boyfriend/relationship to avoid potentially damaging my sons? I care deeply about my boys, I have given up my friends, my job, my social life, my self esteem and almost my sanity to care for them with virtually no help from family or their father. If in the future I get into another relationship I will take it slow and ensure that they feel secure but I refuse to be alone for the next 12years. My youngest has ASD so potentially may never leave home and I will not go through the rest of my life not getting into a relationship! I need a relationship for my own mental health and happiness, honestly I couldn't cope with everything if I couldn't have that.

Do you think my boys would be happier seeing their mother suicidally depressed, crying all the time and unable to go out or do anything? Because that's what would happen if I was not 'allowed' to pursue a new relationship!

That doesn't mean jumping into bed with the first bloke who shows to any attention or moving a boyfriend in in 6 months but it doesn't necessarily mean waiting 5years either!

I don't think you can really know what you would do if you & OH split to be honest, you won't know how you feel until it happens (hopefully it won't!)

Of course it's traumatic - like I said, you wouldn't wish it on anybody.

for all those who've been through it, as a child or parent.

OP if you are really curious, A LOT of peer-reviewed research has been published on the topic. Look it up on Google Scholar.

I think theres a difference between believing that children's feelings are often underestimated or poorly considered in these situations and thinking that people should never separate nor pursue further relationships.