to think the mental impact of divorce on children is severely underestimated?

[InsanityandBeyond]

Contentious topic .

DC often get an absolutely shit deal when marriages break up and often have to accept their separated parents embarking on new relationships and having to be part of a 'blended' family with DCs from the stepmother/father added into the mix.

Some step/parents that complain about finding these DC hard work and their behaviour difficult to deal with. Not exactly rocket science that DC will be disturbed by having to share living space, and time with their parents, with people they are not related to and not having the security of living with, and focused attention of, both parents which is their birthright.

A lot of marriages break up way too easily these days as the parents want to be 'happy' or have 'fallen out of love', 'want a newer model' etc, etc with the DC dragged along for the ride with no choice in the matter.

In terms of abusive relationships, it could be argued that you should know your partner and their background well before bringing children into the equation which seems to be a very controversial view .

Is it really impossible for adults to put their 'happiness' and new relationships, which would have an impact on their DC, on hold until their children are grown up?

The damage is often played out when they become adults as children will accept almost anything from their parents as a survival mechanism until they are old enough to question it. It is thought that DC are resilient and will get over it but I think that is a fallacy self absorbed parents tell themselves to make themselves feel better.

My 17 year old DD is the only person on her college course whose parents are still together. I find that shocking and really sad.

AIBU in thinking that this is a ticking time bomb in an explosion of mental health issues in the next generation and the implications of divorce/separation on children's mental health should be much more ingrained in the morality of society?

mumandboys excellent post! thank you. I was also judged as a single parent, I remember telling one of the school mums I was a social worker and she nearly fell through the floor, I remember the stares as I went with a male friend to pick up dd from school.
The local paper once described the area I live in as affluent, giving the "only 3 single parent families in the area" as an example.

I took them to fucking task on that believe me.

Well said mumandboys

I'm another who had parents that stayed very unhappily together for the sake of the kids. My mum finally through him out when I was 18 (I'm the youngest sibling). I wish to god she had thrown him out earlier as those years were so damaging and it has been a major factor in the mental illness that my siblings and my mum suffer from.
My mum hasn't met anybody since and again I really wish she had been a bit more selfish and put herself first as she might be a little happier now and not be stuggling to cope with long term depression.
OP Ya most defintely bu.

Mumandboys you are not alone - thank you for your post x

btw OP I am also single - I have been, by CHOICE since my husband left almost 5 years ago and I have no intention of changing that

I think living in a war zone is very damaging for children , and whilst divorce is very very painful for children, it might be the lesser of 2 evils.
HOWEVER I think far far worse is the introduction of a new step parent and step siblings to a child's life.
How would you feel if your DH took another wife?

More to Mumsandboys and thank you for hitting that nail on the head.

It really does depend on the circumstances and the step parent, coco. A number of posters have reported very positive experiences of step parents, saying that in some cases their relationship with their step parent is better than with their birth parent.

coco it's entirely different so don't try and compare the two.

mine has coco - how I feel about it is irrelevant - the children like her and their older 'sisters' and the extra grandparents

they have adapted well and like spending time with their dad and her

this is all that matters

and yes - she was the OW he left me for when our youngest was 7 months old

HOWEVER I think far far worse is the introduction of a new step parent and step siblings to a child's life.

What an odd blanket statement to make (there seem to be a lot of them today).

A number of posters have reported very positive experiences of step parents, saying that in some cases their relationship with their step parent is better than with their birth parent

Yes, maybe eventually it comes good, but not at the time.

Gordy

I don't think that is what Coco meant... I think it was meant as in how would you feel if a current husband took on a 2nd wife i.e parents get 2nd parents (step parents). Might be wrong but that's how I read it.

Just yet another ill informed statement from someone presumably having never been in the position of being a single parent.

How would you even claim to know that? My friends sons adored their step mum from day 1. What a massive generalisation to make.

You are not every child from a divorced family and you don't speak for them either.

I don't get why people don't just say "for me..... etc etc" instead of acting like their feelings are the same as everyone else's.

sorry kids get 2nd parents not parents get...

I hope this thread give op lots of insight for the research

But how do you know, coco? Some children who've been damaged/ abused by a parent might be yearning for a loving role model who wants to nurture and look after them. And at what time anyway? Do you mean the time that the parents divorce? Or when they start seeing another partner? Or move in with that partner?

Mumandboys that was an outstanding post. Thank you

My personal favourite was from a mom ant the school gate. "Well, the school is going down hill. There's an awful lot of [cats bum face and stage whisper] single mothers in this years intake."

On seeing my look of incredulity (I am one of those terrible creatures myself!) she stammers "oh, oh I didn't mean you!"

It's unbelievable

For the record I have lived alone with my kids for 6+ years. I run a business, pay my bills and have two happy well adjusted kids. They spend lots of time with their dad and his very nice gf

So, as mumandboys said (so much more eloquently), do fuck off wit hairy stereotypical assumptions

Wit hairy?!?! I mean with your!

mumandboys So similar to what happened to me; so a huge thanks for posting that very eloquent and heartfelt account.

Hello hello

We've suspended the OP because tbh we think this is a pretty deliberately inflammatory thread. But it seems to have turned into an interesting discussion so we'll let it run for now.

Thanks
MNHQ

bitoutofpractice thanks for making me laugh! If I had a pound for every time someone had said 'oh, sorry, I didn't mean you' or 'I don't mean you, of course' when they they've said something negative about single parents I'd be a very rich woman! Who exactly do they mean?!!!

All those other single parents. Don't be silly

Yes, I've had the 'not you, of course...' spiel a few times, too!

Rowan thanks. The post from mumandboys us definitely worth preserving!

They mean the daily mail stereotype single mother that you talked about I guess.

I've been warned off someone's husband (as if I'd be interested in that pigeon chested eejit), asked if my mortgage was being paid for by the state (wtf!?) and told I'm a sponger (I undoubtedly pay more taxes than the person who came out with that gem!) all because I'm a SP.

So the final insult by the op - that I have ruined my DC's lives with my feckless behaviour - is water off a ducks back tbh

That was a good call Rowan :)