AIBU to say DH is a prick and ds2 is a brat!

[Skivvywoman]

I'm so so angry I can't even look at them or speak to them!

I'm fed up cooking meals and ds2 not being here to eat them so I put them aside for him to eat when he comes in but they end up in the bin!

He comes home from school today gets changed and is about to go out, I tell him he can go out after his tea, he tells me he's going to town with his GF I tell him he's not he's having his tea first! I go into the kitchen and all I hear is see ya go through and he's gone so I shout out the window to get back in he says he will be back for 6pm I tell him if he goes he's grounded, all along DH is just sitting there saying nothing!!

He comes in at 6.10pm all happy happy so I tell him he's grounded, he said so I'm grounded cause I wasn't here to eat your shite tea! I told him no it's because he went out when I said no,

One thing lead to another and he told me I always cause arguments in the house,I've gave him a shit childhood and it's always DH who has provided for him!!
I was so angry as DH sat and never said a thing just had a smirk on his face!
I got upset that he said I've gave him a shit childhood and his dads provided everything,
I said to DH you better get him to his room before I punch him (I wouldn't) DH said I think you should go to your room you said some hurtful things!!
I had tears in my eyes DH told me I was harsh by saying he couldn't go out and he only said it to get out (wrong way to fucking go)

He's been in his room all night then DH said later on think you were harsh it was trivial, so I've told him he can deal with him from now on I'm not interested anymore!

I always feel I'm fighting a losing battle as DH never ever sticks up for me or backs me up!

If my teens have friends round, they feed them themselves and tidy up/load the dishwasher behind them.

Reading through this thread is so frustrating because everyone is giving great advice and ideas but OP has excuses not to follow them. Just like her last thread when she wanted advice about putting toothpaste on her DCs toothbrushes!

OP, you sound a bit like how my mum used to be, only I was almost 21 and had lived away from home for a year and had come back. I told her from the off not to cook me dinner as I would sort myself out. She would then moan about me going out because I was going to miss the meal she had cooked! I was apparently treating the place like a hotel despite a) paying rent b) always letting her know my plans as far is advance as possible. I moved out again ASAP!

My mum likes to be needed. My DB is 30, still living at home and she is still running around making cups of tea when he demands it despite the fact he talks to her like shit most of the time. Then she moans that he does nothing for himself, but she has enabled it! Do it let this happen to you, OP.

Your DS is 15. Your strict routine does not work anymore. Make yourself dinner and for whoever else is having dinner. Keep stuff in the house so he can make himself something when he gets in. If he doesn't eat then so be it. He's not going to waste away because he didn't eat anything one evening. You sound really dramatic.

As far as I'm concerned, only very young children eat a meal at 5pm and are ready for bed by 7pm.

Skivvy, I don't think being ready for bed at 7 is normal: that's when many people I know get home from work. It would be most unusual for teenagers to function to this time schedule.

If you have unusual needs, then you need to use initiative and flexibility to make sure everybody's needs are met through compromise, not just insist that the whole family has to run to your schedule. Explain to your teens that this is how it is for you, acknowledge that it may not be convenient for them, and ask them to suggest solutions.

I don't get it anyway: first you say you mostly reheat food from the freezer or cook it in the slow cooker, then you say you couldn't possibly eat later than 5 because you would be too tired to cook. But if you are reheating or doing something in the slow cooker, then the actual cooking won't happen anywhere near to your mealtime, will it?

We may all be mistaken, of course, but you are coming across as somebody very rigid, who struggles to discuss things with their family in a flexible and compromising manner.

If my 14YO DS isn't starving at 5pm it's because he's been spending my money on rubbish on his way home from school.

You're just making things so hard for you and your family and by this stage I'm sorry but I've no sympathy for you. You call yourself 'skivvywoman' when it's YOU who are making yourself the skivvy.

You're making excuses at every turn. So far I've only seen that you're accommodating yourself, no-one else.

I'm sorry if that seems harsh but you aren't listening to anything.

That's cause like me they are up at the crack of dawn and ready for bed!

Just seen the post about your circumstances. I totally understand why you need to go to bed early.

But this is the time when you sit down for a family council: explain the problem, ask for suggestions, discuss, come to a compromise, recognise other people's pov.

fwiw dh and I have totally different time schedules: he leaves for work before 6, I often don't come home until 9. The key is good humour and flexibility. And getting a certain amount of work out of dc.

But when do your DC get up? Presumably not that early if they're at school, most people doing a school day would find 5pm too early in my opinion.

We eat at 8:30pm usually, because thats when my DH gets home. Admittedly when DC were young they at a 6pm but that felt very early. Most people I know work until 5 or 6pm and even those who don't will eat at around 7pm.

I would love to be more flexible with meals, but it isn't practical or affordable to have people all eating different things for dinner. It sounds like it's the same for skivvy

2 youngest get up at 7.30

x-posted as usual. Sorry

But skivvy, earlier on this thread you have talked about your ds coming in late and not eating. So not ready for bed at 7, then.

I think you have come to a point where you have to recognise that your dc are separate entities from you: more can be expected from them than you expect, but at the same time you need to have far less involvement in their lives.

Everybody has the right not to live with constant grudging.

Choco so would I and I can see everyone's point but I know it wouldn't work in here (everyone knows their own house)

Wow DomesticSlobness,your DB sounds like a catch an a half! Just think Skivvy, you need to change now otherwise you will be stuck running round after them forever.

You clearly are struggling to see how new approaches could work, so way not think about your friends, talk to them. How do they manage family dinners? What did your parents or ILs do, can you find some inspiration closer to home.

Hahaha no he doesn't go to bed at 7pm either do I but I'm ready for my bed I couldn't be bothered cooking at that time

So if they get up at 7:30 and eat at 5pm, al their eating takes place over 9-10 hours and they have to wait nearly 15 hours between dinner and breakfast. Do they sleep 12 hours? I'd be ravenous.

Choco so would I and I can see everyone's point but I know it wouldn't work in here (everyone knows their own house)

Yes but what you're currently doing isn't working either. You're desperately trying to cling onto it but it isn't working. You have been offered a very simple solution. Stop cooking his portion unless he says he'll be in. OR save that portion for your lunch the next day? Get bread, beans, spuds and cheese. He can make his own sandwich or baked potato when he gets home. Or cereal. That isn't expensive, and is stuff you probably already have in. Its. That. Simple.

Then at supper time they will have a bit toast or sandwhich,

Tea when I was young was always 5-5.30 and it was my dad that did all the cooking usually egg and chips!

"I always thought 5pm was normal tea time!"

Depends on circs, I guess.

My dad used to work 7.30-4.30, mum didn't go out to work, school & dad's work were nearby so we were all at home for a cooked lunch.

So for us, evening was something lighter, probably not much later than 5.

Then when mum went to work it was a cooked evening meal at about 6.

Skivvy does it make you feel panicky or anxious if things aren't being done as what you see as the 'right way' or 'your way'?

I'm only asking because when my depression and anxiety get at it's peak I am very particular in the way I have to do things. Even when I know someone else's idea is the most feasible, I have to do it MY WAY because otherwise it makes me feel ill. It makes me feel very silly but I can't help it. Just wondering if perhaps this is a factor for you?

In amongst the eight million other issues on this thread...

...OP, you say you couldn't use dinner leftovers for next day's lunches as your DH and another DC work outside with no reheating facilities.

Well. Have you seen those Thermos stew pot things, just like Thermos flasks only shorter and squatter? Why don't you get a couple of those, then in the mornings you nuke the leftovers in the microwave for a couple of minutes and put them in the stew pots - they will easily keep warm until lunchtime, and people who work outside may well be very grateful for a nice hot lunch.

Obviously this approach works better with stew, soup, bolognese, chilli etc than with eg a roast...

I understand that if you do meal plans and buy exactly the right amount of food it can be a pain to change. But perhaps changing the meals you cook would help.

Obviously if you're doing something like steak where you buy the 5 portions and then someone doesn't turn up, its a pain because you have a bit left over. But if you cook things like casseroles or whatever, then surely the left over bit of steak or chicken can go in that and everybody gets an extra 1/5 of meat the next day. OK you still bought it unnecessarily but at least it isn't wasted and chucked in the bin, thats a step in the right direction.

This thread is absolutely crackers. Why in the name of all that is holy are you putting toothpaste on your 15 year old's toothbrush?!
I still do that for my youngest, but he's 6. Even my 10 year old has been cleaning his own teeth and managing to handle a brush competently for the past few years - at 15 that's madness!
As for this: I but I'm ready for my bed I couldn't be bothered cooking at that time
STOP BLOODY COOKING FOR HIM THEN!! He's 15, he's not helpless. I'm sorry, but you do come across is incredibly 'woe is me, and I do so much" when it is YOU that is insisting on doing things that really, really do not need to be done!
You sound desperate to be needed.
If you insist on cooking for him, then bung his portion in the fridge. If it doesn't get eaten, don't bin it - freeze it for another day. Someone will eat it even if it isn't him it will get eaten. You're needlessly wasting food.
You've had loads of great advice on this thread, LISTEN to it instead of ignoring it and coming up with excuses.

I've never understood how people manage to wait until 7.30pm to have dinner - I'd be on my knees by then and fit for nothing but sleeping after it. And it can't be ideal for your digestion!

But it does sound very civilised - assuming there's time for a leisurely meal with everyone chatting.

Even if I wasn't so lacking in stamina though, at least two nights a week the DS are out in the evening, one evening I work - adult groups and evening classes are on then - presumably with the assumption that people have already eaten and we're all often out on Friday evening.

However, as a general rule skivvy (my DC are 17 and 14) I try to let them do whatever they want as far as possible. Within reason obviously.