AIBU to say DH is a prick and ds2 is a brat!

[Skivvywoman]

I'm so so angry I can't even look at them or speak to them!

I'm fed up cooking meals and ds2 not being here to eat them so I put them aside for him to eat when he comes in but they end up in the bin!

He comes home from school today gets changed and is about to go out, I tell him he can go out after his tea, he tells me he's going to town with his GF I tell him he's not he's having his tea first! I go into the kitchen and all I hear is see ya go through and he's gone so I shout out the window to get back in he says he will be back for 6pm I tell him if he goes he's grounded, all along DH is just sitting there saying nothing!!

He comes in at 6.10pm all happy happy so I tell him he's grounded, he said so I'm grounded cause I wasn't here to eat your shite tea! I told him no it's because he went out when I said no,

One thing lead to another and he told me I always cause arguments in the house,I've gave him a shit childhood and it's always DH who has provided for him!!
I was so angry as DH sat and never said a thing just had a smirk on his face!
I got upset that he said I've gave him a shit childhood and his dads provided everything,
I said to DH you better get him to his room before I punch him (I wouldn't) DH said I think you should go to your room you said some hurtful things!!
I had tears in my eyes DH told me I was harsh by saying he couldn't go out and he only said it to get out (wrong way to fucking go)

He's been in his room all night then DH said later on think you were harsh it was trivial, so I've told him he can deal with him from now on I'm not interested anymore!

I always feel I'm fighting a losing battle as DH never ever sticks up for me or backs me up!

I have lost all sense of perspective in regards to this thread!

I hadn't even noticed the obvious thing.

Why is your DH not capable of cooking the meals? Get him to sort it out for a few weeks, then see what changes he introduces.

- my DS is nearly 15, an eating-machine - and very skinny. Your time will come Ruckus

You obviously need to talk with your husband about presenting a united front but it sounds as though you don't have the negotiation skills. You sound like a child and still to be talking in this way the following day just doesn't sound healthy to me. If you found your husband's attitude unacceptable why can't you tell him and explain why?

Sigh. Love a lively thread!

Sorry, OP

This thread is quite bizarre.

How does anyone function like this? How can you complain that the way you are doing something is causing huge upset and friction within a family and yet quite determindly refuse to listen to any suggestions for change.

I don't understand the kicking the OP is getting either. And I absolutely hate the attitude on MN that once kids are teens you stop cooking and washing for them.

The boy knew dinner was at 5pm, he was a rude, disrespectful sod to have gone out half an hour before and his father is a pathetic excuse of a man for sitting back and not supporting the OP.

We have always had rigid dinner times, that way you know where you are. My kids are 19&17, they would never dare miss a meal without giving me a lot of notice because they respect both me and DH.

We, like the OP, live in a family home. We don't run a hotel, or have a group of beds sits, so we all sit down to eat together, and all the washing goes in the same machine together at the same time. Funnily enough we all respect each other, help each other out and rarely argue.

I really feel for you OP, you don't deserve the kicking you have received, imo. I am now going to do my ironing, including that of my kids'!

Skivvy, many excellent and supportive partners would have found it impossible to support a partner who was threatening physical violence, however great the provocation. Dh would not have supported me under those circumstances. I would not have supported him. And we always have a policy of supporting each other.

But threatening violence to a 15yo just seems wrong on so many levels, I have no idea how I could have handled that.

I do agree that your ds was rude. He deserved pulling up on it. But I can very well see how your reaction threw your dh.

Basically, I think you can either let this escalate, or you can sit down together with the family and try to work out a policy for how you are going to handle different needs now that they are all growing up.

I don't think a compromise should mean your ds gets everything he wants and you get nothing. But I think it should be something you can all feel moderately satisfied with.

Op your issue here is with your DH and not your teen. Teens behave like this - not all granted but enough do - and the one thing you need is support from your DH.

IMHO the first place to start is with DH, sit him down and discuss how you are going to approach this and similar issues (because there will be plenty over the next couple of years). You both need to be singing from the same hymn sheet and agree how to tackle the teenage rebellion which is going on. (Oh and it's normal - I see it all the time as a secondary teacher).

You really needed DH to tell your DS that speaking to you like that was way out of line and he will be punished for that. DH also needed to set the record straight about both of you having done your best to bring DS up. DS was trying, and succeeding, to play one parent off against the other. If DH can't/won't do this then you have a real problem.

As for DS I would suggest you need to sit him down and discuss new boundaries and rules. I think the 5pm dinner might suit the family as a whole but for a 15 year old boy that is early if he wants to see his friends. Having an arrangement where he texts to let you know to cook or not cook for him by, say, 3.00pm would be a step forward. It's giving him some ownership and independence but shouldn't ruin your family meal time too much. I would also not be buying pot noodles and crap like that for him. If he wants to eat later he could have a plate saved for him (again to let you know by 3pm) or make himself something.

You need to take the heat out of the situation and then discuss things calmly with everyone. You will get through the teenage years but it can be a bit of a war!

I'm not suprised you don't want cook later you have done 13 hours before 5pm.

Nope - that is a huge amount of food.
Teenagers can inhale food but even when 6ft, 18 years old, playing rugby and training for a marathon, DS1 never ate a substantial snack, a huge dinner and then a huge supper too.
That's excessive.

Pag my 10yr DD can inhale a vast amount of food, but she is stick thin and nearly as tall as me.

I do sometimes think she does, like last night she had Spag bog the same size as I would eat, jelly and Icecream. Then a orange and banana. About 30mins later she was eating a packet of crisps. She has school dinner as well. I'm dreading it when she and her brother and sister reach teenage years I dread the amount food they are going to eat.

OP I do think you need to sit down with ds and come up with some new ground rules for home to make it less stressfull.

And maybe have a good think about how you want you from your relationship with you husband and what needs to change to get there, maybe some counceilling.

My teenage DS is also VERY skinny.

Choco, my DP used to have 6 full blown meals a day from when he was a teenager right up to very recently when I pointed out the amount of money he spent on food was absurd! He also never put an ounce on but was just always hungry. Fast metabolism so guess. I only have to look at cake to put weight on myself.....

Even if you decide the family meal is the way forward you need to look at your need to enable and the effect this has on your well being. It seems to be about a whole lot more than whether your son eats his tea.

Ilovesooty your right!

I'm going to speak to DH when he gets home (although we have had this conversation a million times before)

And I'm going to sit down with them all when I do my shopping list and see where we can go from there!

The thermo flask is a great idea I already do it for dd but to get them to do it wouldn't happen to much like hard work in the morning for them

Ilovesooty your right!

I'm going to speak to DH when he gets home (although we have had this conversation a million times before)

And I'm going to sit down with them all when I do my shopping list and see where we can go from there!

The thermo flask is a great idea I already do it for dd but to get them to do it wouldn't happen to much like hard work in the morning for them

Ilovesooty your right!

I'm going to speak to DH when he gets home (although we have had this conversation a million times before)

And I'm going to sit down with them all when I do my shopping list and see where we can go from there!

The thermo flask is a great idea I already do it for dd but to get them to do it wouldn't happen to much like hard work in the morning for them

Oops posted a bit to many times!

Brilliant OP.
You'll be a lot happier in the long run. I know I was

Well from this thread, I don't think you're at the point in your life to want to change.

People have naturally started with the things you can most easily control and change to make yourself and your family happier. Ie. the ongoing problem of dinners, and your own attitude and approach which appears to be hindering you rather than helping.

If you don't want to address these things, it's your prerogative.

So, what do you want? To focus on the other issues you've brought up? Your dh attitude towards yourself, or your Ds teenage rudeness and boundary pushing?

Or do you want emotional support and comfort to carry on without changing anything?

From your posts earlier about spa/ beauty days / breaks etc, it seems you are at the end of your tether, and want to refuel yourself? It doesn't seem like you're up for change or longer term solutions. So I for one won't suggest anymore as I guess this thread might seem overwhelming.

Thats fab OP.

Clutterbugsmum

I'm sorry but im not sure I can agree with your point.
I have an 11 year old DD. If I let her eat all that she would too.
But it still wouldn't be good for her. Just because she wants to eat doesn't mean she should.
Skinny isn't the only measure. My DS2 has the worst diet in the world and is very slim.

Don't cook for him. Simple.

And tell your husband to take his pathetic smirk and fuck off.

so DH said in a little pathetic voice think you should to to your room you have said some hurtful things!

Dripfeeding with the 'little pathetic voice' which hasn't been mentioned previously? Obviously it was effective in that ds did go to his room, and as I say, I can't see how that amounts to failing to stick up for you.

I do wonder whether the whole bit about the voice and the smirk is accurate or your projection because he didn't join you in outright shouting at ds?

What puzzles me also is that last week you were telling us what great kids your sons are. Yet you were presumably binning ds' tea then?

Icimoi, the OP mentioned the voice way back yesterday.

I said it in the opening thread!

Think this thread should just end now!