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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say DH is a prick and ds2 is a brat!

284 replies

Skivvywoman · 11/03/2014 21:26

I'm so so angry I can't even look at them or speak to them!

I'm fed up cooking meals and ds2 not being here to eat them so I put them aside for him to eat when he comes in but they end up in the bin!

He comes home from school today gets changed and is about to go out, I tell him he can go out after his tea, he tells me he's going to town with his GF I tell him he's not he's having his tea first! I go into the kitchen and all I hear is see ya go through and he's gone so I shout out the window to get back in he says he will be back for 6pm I tell him if he goes he's grounded, all along DH is just sitting there saying nothing!!

He comes in at 6.10pm all happy happy so I tell him he's grounded, he said so I'm grounded cause I wasn't here to eat your shite tea! I told him no it's because he went out when I said no,

One thing lead to another and he told me I always cause arguments in the house,I've gave him a shit childhood and it's always DH who has provided for him!!
I was so angry as DH sat and never said a thing just had a smirk on his face!
I got upset that he said I've gave him a shit childhood and his dads provided everything,
I said to DH you better get him to his room before I punch him (I wouldn't) DH said I think you should go to your room you said some hurtful things!!
I had tears in my eyes DH told me I was harsh by saying he couldn't go out and he only said it to get out (wrong way to fucking go)

He's been in his room all night then DH said later on think you were harsh it was trivial, so I've told him he can deal with him from now on I'm not interested anymore!

I always feel I'm fighting a losing battle as DH never ever sticks up for me or backs me up!

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 12/03/2014 12:16

It's not every evening though is it?
And at 15 my son wasn't home until 7.30 two nights a week because he had rugby training. DD doesn't come home at all until 9.30 twice a week and she's 11.

I still don't understand. Why can't a teenager make himself soup or pasta? Why can't he cook support for the family a bit later.
Why does 'mum' have to do all the cooking. Is it 1953?

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/03/2014 12:17

For next couple of days I ain't cooking or doing his washing etc!

I don't want the big pat on the back from them that I do everything but a little bit respect would be nice, and I know the horrible things he said he didn't mean and I know they are not true but they bloody hit a nerve for some reason

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/03/2014 12:17

Why on earth is that the only thing you can do?

Genuinely baffled.

If you want to make your own life a misery, please do so but you've been given loads of alternatives, and you are ignoring every single one

basically, you want to carry on doing the same thing and somehow 'win' and force everyone to do it whether it suits the family or not. Is winning and maintaining this rigid authority going to make you happy?

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/03/2014 12:21

I don't cook at all for my teens, haven't for years. Got sick of the pulled faces and throwing away most of it.
I have a fridge full of sandwich options, cereals, meat, fruit and veg.
If they want to eat, they know where the food is. If they fancy something specific, they had better tell me when I shop, or tough luck.
Since I stopped martyrdom, there has never been one single food related argument in my house.
Ditto laundry. If it's not in the basket, it will rot on your bedroom floor. I am immune to pleads to wash specific items in a hurry, I point them at the machine, it's instructions and the washing powder. No one yet has suffered or called childline Wink
I am not their slave, they have the greatest of respect for me as a person and do not take me for granted at all. DH is more of a sap and they do take the piss but he knows and enjoys enables it. He owns his indulgence IYSWIM and has no resentment about it.
We are all very happy and I am confident that when they eventually leave they will not starve or smell Wink

dollius · 12/03/2014 12:22

Don't plate his tea for him!! Just don't provide it at all on the evenings he is not around.

Don't do his washing at all from now on!!

Seriously, my nine-year-old often makes himself a sandwich if I am not there and he is hungry.

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/03/2014 12:24

Maybe I'm just being thick here but if I don't plate it that food is going to go to waste anyway

I meal plan for the whole week and buy what I need and things like freezing food isn't an option as my freezer is tiny 2 drawers!

OP posts:
dollius · 12/03/2014 12:25

So just cook less on the nights he is not there.

NurseyWursey · 12/03/2014 12:25

Make less then Confused

AlpacaLypse · 12/03/2014 12:29

If you want to ensure he eats the pre-cooked meals, you'll need to keep noodles and other crap out of the house.

Pagwatch · 12/03/2014 12:29

You are not being thick but you are do fixed on how you want it to work that you are ignoring the fact that it isn't working.

You are doing meal plans but are throwing most of your sons food away.
Plus you are all frustrated and cross and mealtimes are a battleground.
It isn't working.

Make fewer meals. Buy more baking potatoes, pasta, rolls etc.
Let him eat more flexibly. More independence. Less waste. Fewer arguments.

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/03/2014 12:30

But it's bunged in the slow cooker in the morning or defrosted the night before so can't refreeze! Then that would mean cooking 2 teas the following night

Is it worth the hassle rather him just having his tea at normal time like everyone else

OP posts:
aderynlas · 12/03/2014 12:32

We have people coming and going at all hours here op. Something is stuck in the oven that can be eaten whenever. I think you need to see that your dc are growing up and will need more flexibility from you. It can be hard work being a parent to a teenager but it can also be great fun. You are making this into a battle and there no need. Loads of good advice from people on this thread. Good luck hope you work this out.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/03/2014 12:32

I don't know you or the situation, but fairly or unfairly i am reminded of my childhood. I don't think you are the same as my mother, who isn't very nice, but in this particular behaviour there are parallels. I wonder if this is why your Ds is finding the whole thing quite frustrating? Though he shouldn't have spoken to you like that of course.

My mother used to do all sorts of completely unnecessary stuff for us then use it as a weapon to keep everyone in line.

We were continually endebted to her for ironing knickers, or scrubbing the corners of the skirting boards with a tooth brush, or hand washing machine washable clothes etc etc

'I'm a slave for all of you, i go down on my hands and knees and you all are ungrateful little shits, how dare you treat me like a servant, the least you can do is xxx (insert unreasonable and controlling demand here)'

It was horrible. And all about asserting her will over the family.

No one wanted her to do these things, she hated doing them but had decided somehow in her warped brain that she had to do it all and we had to how down and worship her for her great sacrifice.

I have learnt never to sacrifice or slave away for people, especially when they don't even want it in the first place. People don't respect you for the self imposed skivvy role, and it's then very unfair to use it as a stick to beat people with.

DescribeTheRuckus · 12/03/2014 12:32

How old are your other children, skivvy? Could they also be responsible for getting themselves something to eat?

NurseyWursey · 12/03/2014 12:38

Skivvy what do you do when he's at his friend's for tea, or at school late?

You're making this so much harder than it needs to be and it's getting a bit silly to be honest. YOU'RE the one making the hassle, not him.

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/03/2014 12:42

Oddly, one thing my DC enjoy is trying out their cooking on me. Eg. DD was making fajitas last night, I popped into the kitchen for a blether while she was prepping.
I said it looked nice, she asked if I fancied some, I said yes please.
She brought me a beautifully prepared meal and was delighted that I loved it. She wants me to try her beef stir fry tonight Grin
Compare this to the teen who used to try to dispose of her dinner down the loo when I used to impose family meal time.
I'm very glad I let the idea go that being a good mother meant festering resentment at mealtimes.

TeenAndTween · 12/03/2014 12:45

But it's bunged in the slow cooker in the morning or defrosted the night before so can't refreeze! Then that would mean cooking 2 teas the following night

Ok another suggestion to add to the many.

Put some flexibility into your meal plans.

I always ensure there are 1 or 2 'quick' meals planned each week, that can be dished up in 20 minutes, and generally also one 'freezer based' meal cooked from frozen. Also some meals where ingredients are long-shelf life.

That way if something comes up I can swap meals around for the week, or dump one totally and keep it in the freezer. Occasionally we have a 'left overs' meal where we eat different things all reheated from stuff in the fridge. That isn't cooking 2 teas, it's reheating which is simple.

So, if you cook a casserole for 5 and only 4 get eaten, one goes in the fridge. Next night, something similar occurs.
On day 3 you provide 2 reheat meals with toast, plus omelette for whoever else is around.

Lower your standards as to the meals you provide, and allow for flexibility.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 12/03/2014 12:46

Missceleaneousassortment has it spot on.

Nobody in your family asked for a skivvy martyr.

Saying that, expecting anyone (including teens) to be home for dinner time is not an unreasonable request in itself.

Making a drama out of it is.

If you throw out food 9 out of 10 times…you need to change something!

Makes me think of that Einstein quote:

" Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

steff13 · 12/03/2014 12:47

I'm sorry, I missed why the food is being thrown out? If you cooked it, say, today, why couldn't you put the leftovers in the fridge and have them for lunch tomorrow or Friday?

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/03/2014 12:52

Latest he's home from school is 4.30 and he never goes to friends for tea, if he texts and says I'm going such and such a place his tea is kept in the microwave for him coming home!

I can see all your points that it shouldn't be this way and I agree, but I really can't afford to buy him separate stuff cause he doesn't want to eat the meal I put down

OP posts:
Takingbackmonday · 12/03/2014 12:55

I really, really do not understand why you would expect your 15 year old to eat a sit down meal at 5pm - that's not even really the evening! He wanted to see his gf; can't you see how much of a pain eating just because you say so would have been?

It's just all so unnecessary. Stop being a melodramatic martyr or cook things that can be eaten for lunch the next day if they aren't reheated the night before. Life is too short.

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/03/2014 12:58

But you can afford to throw food away? Sorry but that makes no sense at all.
Buy less, enough to meal plan for those who want dinner. Use the money saved to buy items he can prepare himself. Stop buying pot noodles.
Does your house have cereal, bread, eggs?
He won't starve if those are in the cupboards. Who knows, after a daily diet of weetabix, he may start to appreciate the meals you make.

cory · 12/03/2014 13:01

Skivvy, porridge oats are really, really cheap. Sliced bread is really, really cheap. And you still haven't explained why somebody can't simply eat leftovers for lunch or for dinner the next day, even if they have been reheated from the freezer.

We do the same as TeenandTween: plan the week so there are some quickie meals that can be prepared by whichever family member happens to be around and some space for a leftover meal with toast or fried spuds. Basically, we plan it around having as little hassle as possible with as little waste as possible.

I've just eaten the remnants of yesterday's dinner. And very nice it was too.

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/03/2014 13:02

I can't afford to throw it away that's what pissing me off!

OP posts:
CeliaLytton · 12/03/2014 13:02

OP it sounds like you already effectively buy him separate stuff if he has access to pot noodles, super noodles and pizza. If these weren't in the house, surely leftover dinner would be more appealing?

I see your point about mealtimes and trying to suit everyone, but this time no longer suits everyone, some of your DC because they have organised activities and some because they want more flexibility. Nobody's need for dinner at a certain time should trump anyone else's, the only thing you can do is say that dinner will be at 5 because that suits the majority, if eldest is in he can eat with you, if not he can eat later but must eat leftovers, stop buying fast food.

He is at the age where he wants flexibility and independence and in his eyes, his younger siblings' lives and activities are more important than his needs. Give him a bit of free rein and he is more likely to stay close.

There are few years left with him at home, choose your battles and try to enjoy your son as he grows up.

Good luck!