AIBU to say DH is a prick and ds2 is a brat!

[Skivvywoman]

I'm so so angry I can't even look at them or speak to them!

I'm fed up cooking meals and ds2 not being here to eat them so I put them aside for him to eat when he comes in but they end up in the bin!

He comes home from school today gets changed and is about to go out, I tell him he can go out after his tea, he tells me he's going to town with his GF I tell him he's not he's having his tea first! I go into the kitchen and all I hear is see ya go through and he's gone so I shout out the window to get back in he says he will be back for 6pm I tell him if he goes he's grounded, all along DH is just sitting there saying nothing!!

He comes in at 6.10pm all happy happy so I tell him he's grounded, he said so I'm grounded cause I wasn't here to eat your shite tea! I told him no it's because he went out when I said no,

One thing lead to another and he told me I always cause arguments in the house,I've gave him a shit childhood and it's always DH who has provided for him!!
I was so angry as DH sat and never said a thing just had a smirk on his face!
I got upset that he said I've gave him a shit childhood and his dads provided everything,
I said to DH you better get him to his room before I punch him (I wouldn't) DH said I think you should go to your room you said some hurtful things!!
I had tears in my eyes DH told me I was harsh by saying he couldn't go out and he only said it to get out (wrong way to fucking go)

He's been in his room all night then DH said later on think you were harsh it was trivial, so I've told him he can deal with him from now on I'm not interested anymore!

I always feel I'm fighting a losing battle as DH never ever sticks up for me or backs me up!

I would love to be more flexible with meals, but it isn't practical or affordable to have people all eating different things for dinner. It sounds like it's the same for skivvy

Do people not keep bread, cheese, cereal, porridge in the house all the time? Or, if there are leftovers in the fridge that people didn't eat the night before?

Granted, my DCs are only 7 and 6, and both eat pretty well. However, on the rare occasion that I cook something they dislike (which has only happened with a new recipe before), they are free to help themselves to a sandwich, toast, cereal...I would NOT cook them something separate! When they are teenagers, I will offer dinners, they will either eat them, or sort something out themselves, which is EXACTLY what I did as a teenager!

I don't understand what the issue is really...stop overcooking for people who won't eat, stop buying pot noodles for ANYONE (why can't the ds taking pot noodles make a sandwich for lunch?), and just stop all the drama!

What the hell is supper time? When does that happen? Are you cooking for that as well?

Supper is toast/sandwich/crackers and cheese.

We do this too - old-fashioned and/or working-class IME. Doesn't make it better or worse than any other eating arrangement!

If you have "supper" after tea, can ds eat his tea then? If he doesn't like what you cook, why not buy smaller amounts of what you cook for the others plus a few cheap bits and pieces like egg, cheese, potatoes, pasta, bread, beans etc for him to make his own?

You say nothing anyone has suggested would work in your house, but really none of it is that radical. Why aren't you prepared at least to give it a try?

If you won't, you will have to carry on as you are, with food being wasted and you getting angrier and angrier. How will that help?

You're doing all the work and imposing rigid expectations because it's all about your needs and inability to negotiate or compromise. Why can't you make your own tea and leave it up to them to sort themselves out with cereal, sandwiches or whatever?

I'm only on page 7! If your freezer is small leave it in the fridge. I leave left overs for days in the fridge and they are fine. In tupperware, and I microwave on another day. If the food builds up you can eat it another day and not even leave it for your son. I do this with my slow cooker stuff too.

I can see why things are in a tricky state. In terms of washing clothes you could just stop doing it full stop, not just for a few days. He might enjoy the novelty of it if you completely leave him to it.

Good luck. He is 15. Only a couple of years and he will be doing all this stuff for himself no matter what you do now.

Yip choco we have always had supper too even when I was a child again I thought that was normal

And the 5pm tea plus supper routine might have worked in past generations orfamilies without flexible iindependent lives. Most people can't or won't be restricted by mealtimes nowadays.

It obviously doesn't work for your family now and no amount of hysterics and clinging on to bygone practice will help if their needs have changed. Perhaps they've tried to tell you. If you've listened as well as you've listened here I doubt if they had much success.

Teatime is teatime. You say he doesn't go out, he doesn't go out. He's 15 not 25, he's still a child. He could go out after tea.... Or does his gf have to be back for tea at 6 and that's why he wanted to go out then?

Personally I wouldn't be having stuff bought especially so if he doesn't turn up he can make himself something later. It's not all about him, you have the rest of the family to think about too.

Your DH needs to support you in front of the DC regardless of what he thinks. Any objections he should bring to you when they're not around. Kids thrive on divide and conquer.

Only thing I get panicky about nursery is if my house isn't clean or to my standards!

Of course practical obstacles can loom very large, indeed even seem insurmountable.

But I always think it's less about the actual obstacles than about the spirit you approach them.

Particularly with teenagers because they are so very soon going to be out there on their own, overcoming obstacles and making decisions.

Modelling resourcefulness and flexibility and non-doormat-hood is really of the kindest things you can do for them.

By showing yourself to be flexible and resourceful you show them that most obstacles can be overcome.

By letting them do things for themselves (and for you!) you reassure them that you believe in them as competent and capable people who will soon be ready to cope out there without mummy.

By making your own needs clear and explaining that they are your needs and you have a right to have needs, you again reaffirm your belief in them as competent and caring people.

This to me is unselfishness; it's recognising that they will soon have a life in which you have very little part. It's being able to be happy about that for their sake.

We used to have supper when we had a 5o'clock light tea!

But once we had a cooked evening meal, that stopped.

If OP's DS doesn't have his dinner at his usual dinner time he must be either eating something on the way home from school and/or getting something while he's out or eating a huge 'supper' later as he's absolutely starving.

As a general rule the cheapest, most practical and most nutritious way of meeting meeting his calorific requirements is to eat the family meal. (my DS has a substantial snack after school, a huge dinner at 5-4.5/6ish and a substantial supper later).

Sometimes cost, practicality and best nutrition are not worth the aggro at this hellish stage of family life. It depends on the family circumstances and priorities. It's easy to say that OP's DS will have to feed himself if he's out at mealtimes....

I think puntastic has come up with the solution - those thermos flasks for food. Then anything your ds doesn't eat for his tea he gets for his lunch the next day.

I still don't get why OP thinks her dh didn't stick up for her when he told ds he had said hurtful things and sent him to his room.

So, if you can afford to have enough food for tea AND supper, surely you already have plenty in the cupboards/fridge for those who can fend for themselves?

You have 3 children, Skivvy?? 18,15 and 7? I would still suggest that you make tea for three of you (you, DH and youngest) for the majority of the time and let the two older ones prepare their own meals according to their schedules when it differs from yours.

We always ate dinner in our house at 5.10 exactly- that's when my Dad got back from work. I still like to eat early - I either snack too much or eat much more if I eat later
I don't really understand the kicking you're getting here. Your son knew what time you ate- it's not a surprise. He was a cheeky little shit and his Dad basically encouraged him. It wouldn't have killed him to wait half an hour, eat his dinner and then go out.

Whether you're a martyr to your family is a different matter. Get your DH to do the cooking for a bit and see how he likes it when it refused and then thrown in the bin.

Supper sounds strange. I've only ever known supper as something posh people call dinner or tea.

As an old working class person, who grew up on a working class estate in a very working class part of London, I don't have any experience of this.

We used to have dinner as the main meal in the middle of the day, whether that was at school or home, a glass of milk/cup of tea and a biscuit when we came home from school, then our tea which was a lighter meal like beans on toast, soup, a sandwich and maybe a few biscuits at around 6:30/7pm. Thats how everyone I knew ate.

Obviously things are different now as most people eat the main meal in the evening and eat later.

But if you're making supper, which you presumably are as you do everything else, then why can't you just cook the meal then?

Cause while DS was being cheeky DH was smirking and I had to say to him you better get him in his room before I hit him, so DH said in a little pathetic voice think you should to to your room you have said some hurtful things!

I have three sons and can be a bit of a skivvy as things bother me more than them eg towels picked up, beds made. I tend not to blow very often but I do refuse to give out money if the basics haven't been done......

My ds1 is 16 - nearly 17- and I cook one dinner and if he is there he eats and if not I put it in the mircrowave. I tend to make dinners that can be reheated eg spag bol. I don't sweat the small stuff. If he eats it he eats it if not........well......... its not the end of the world.

I do have certain rules eg timimgs on coming in but I am flexible with the oldest as long as its discussed rather than an edict. I don't issue him one and I would expect him to not issue them back. It makes for a happy house.

You threatened to hit him?

You really need to lose the martyr thing, now OP.

That is not good

If 5pm tea works for everyone except this son, explain that to him when you're both calm and not rushing. Tell him the options are he cooks for himself, he feeds himself with whatever snacks you may keep in the house, or you keep his tea for when he comes in. Tell him if it goes in the bin once more you will not cook for him again; you can't afford to waste food. If it goes in the bin again do not cook for him again.

Get your DH on side.

If you are the one who runs showers and does toothbrushes for your kids then for the love of Mike stop.

Those doing cats-bum mouths at the OP 'threatening violence', give it a rest. She's letting of steam, that's all.

As a general rule the cheapest, most practical and most nutritious way of meeting meeting his calorific requirements is to eat the family meal. (my DS has a substantial snack after school, a huge dinner at 5-4.5/6ish and a substantial supper later).

That's an absolute ton of food...and why so many mealtimes?? My DCs are 6 and 7, and they wouldn't DREAM of eating a snack, followed by a huge tea and then a big supper. That is NOT necessarily healthy either...and it must absolutely kill your food budget!!

I respectfully disagree re cats bum mouth.
Escalating an avoidable situation to the point of threats of violence is a screaming red flag.