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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say DH is a prick and ds2 is a brat!

284 replies

Skivvywoman · 11/03/2014 21:26

I'm so so angry I can't even look at them or speak to them!

I'm fed up cooking meals and ds2 not being here to eat them so I put them aside for him to eat when he comes in but they end up in the bin!

He comes home from school today gets changed and is about to go out, I tell him he can go out after his tea, he tells me he's going to town with his GF I tell him he's not he's having his tea first! I go into the kitchen and all I hear is see ya go through and he's gone so I shout out the window to get back in he says he will be back for 6pm I tell him if he goes he's grounded, all along DH is just sitting there saying nothing!!

He comes in at 6.10pm all happy happy so I tell him he's grounded, he said so I'm grounded cause I wasn't here to eat your shite tea! I told him no it's because he went out when I said no,

One thing lead to another and he told me I always cause arguments in the house,I've gave him a shit childhood and it's always DH who has provided for him!!
I was so angry as DH sat and never said a thing just had a smirk on his face!
I got upset that he said I've gave him a shit childhood and his dads provided everything,
I said to DH you better get him to his room before I punch him (I wouldn't) DH said I think you should go to your room you said some hurtful things!!
I had tears in my eyes DH told me I was harsh by saying he couldn't go out and he only said it to get out (wrong way to fucking go)

He's been in his room all night then DH said later on think you were harsh it was trivial, so I've told him he can deal with him from now on I'm not interested anymore!

I always feel I'm fighting a losing battle as DH never ever sticks up for me or backs me up!

OP posts:
42andcounting · 12/03/2014 09:09

Icimoi - I read the DHs comment about hurtful things as being directed at the OP, not the DS, which obv would be the opposite of supportive. Maybe the OP can clarify what he meant when he said it?

Pagwatch · 12/03/2014 09:17

But Coco44 sometimes sitting around for dinner is simply imposible and it's pretty dim and self defeating to insist upon it when the arrangement is not working for anyone.
Op is pissed off.
Her DS is massively pissed off
Her dh is pissed off.
All in the name of a 'family dinner'
That's pretty arse about face isn't it - unless the idea is to make family dinner a thing to be dreaded?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 12/03/2014 09:26

I've threatened to hit mine, (but as I'm 5 foot Nowt and they are 6 foot they just laugh at me)
Teenagers are vile, it's their job. Sit down, say right we think of a new tea time(I think family meal times are valuable). What days (after the grounding) are you going to be late. On those days you get your own dinner. But, on these days we eat together. Ask girlfriend round for tea.
And ignore your twunt of a dh. He can eat supanoodles forever.

2Kids2Cats1Dog · 12/03/2014 09:31

I do evening meal whenever, no set time. People eat it if they are in, heat it up in micro later if not or if they are not hungry yet.. BUT it is always eaten. If it got to where food was being thrown out I would insist they made a toastie/beanson toast/sandwich later on. Kids CAN survive on food like that, a hot meal is not a requirement.

So, maybe you need to check before cooking tea - are you in for tea today? If not make your own later.

travellingwilbury · 12/03/2014 09:37

I think I would just ask if he is in for tea and if not then he can have a sandwich when he gets back . To keep insisting on a meal together and making it such bad battle seems too much like hard work to me .

But I also think you need to slow down on all the other stuff as well . if you are soft enough to be doing the toothpaste and shower then why wouldn't he assume he can do what the hell he pleases ?

cory · 12/03/2014 10:14

travellingwilbury, I think ComposHat has it spot on. The tootbrush and the shower is not about letting the teenager do what the hell he pleases: it's about being involved in and having control over every area in his life, in a way that is not appropriate at his age. It's about not wanting to let go.

travellingwilbury · 12/03/2014 10:24

I hadn't read compos response but yes I kind of agree . it sounds like you are doing all of this for you and this is what you see your role to be .

What else do you do ? For you ?

Icimoi · 12/03/2014 10:25

I read the DHs comment about hurtful things as being directed at the OP, not the DS, which obv would be the opposite of supportive. Maybe the OP can clarify what he meant when he said it?

I don't see how it could be - OP asked him to send ds to his room, dh said "I think you should go to your room, you said some hurtful things", and ds went to his room and stayed there. I'm wondering whether op misinterpreted it?

StillSeekingSpike · 12/03/2014 10:35

I'm with Compos- this is all about Need. not his need for dinner, but the Op's need to be needed.
After so many years of dinners being thrown away, it might be time to accept it's just not working. ANY teenager is going to prefer to see their G/B F rather than eat a full meal at 5pm. It's part of growing up. But the OP seems to see it as a direct rejection of her.

Goblinchild · 12/03/2014 10:36

'for years I've always put his tea aside and 9/10 times it goes in the bin!'

You think this is a logical way to live? Confused
I insist on good manners from my two, but really, if you stopped doing things your children would run riot and there would be chaos? Why?
Don't they know how to do basic cookery, laundry and how to get themselves up and sorted and out on time? Why not?
He should let you know if he's in for tea or not before you start cooking, and if he's not, then he sorts himself out and leaves your kitchen clean and tidy when he's done.
You sound very odd. Either be a skivvy and enjoy the role of being the lynchpin, or make sure your children develop essential independent skills.
But stop being a martyr. Unless you enjoy that role too.

gamerchick · 12/03/2014 11:12

You need to pull back at this age anyway or all at once without noticing you're hit with a nasty bout of empty nest syndrome and become one of 'those' MILs.

cory · 12/03/2014 11:20

The sense I am getting from your threads is that you have arrived at some kind of cross-roads. For years, by the sound of it, you have focused all your energy and all your needs into the care of your dc.

This is no longer working:

They need to become independent and this means they cannot give you the appreciation you need.

You are constantly frustrated by feeling that you are wasting your energy on people who do not appreciate it and this means you cannot enjoy these last years together as much as you should.

You can't wind the clock back and get back to the times when they were little children and needed your involvement in everything you did.

The answer must be to re-channel some of that energy into something else, something that fulfills you and makes you feel appreciated again. Then you will feel less frustrated, care less about occasional teenage ingratitude and have more energy to enjoy the good things about them.

To repeat travellingwilbury's question: What do you do that is not about them? What do you do that gives you satisfaction apart from your caring role? Is there anything there that you could develop and take further? Something that would make their growing independence fun and liberating for you too?

(I am just emerging from 15 odd years of caring for a sick and disabled child- she is recovering and no longer needs me in the same way. It's a strange feeling, but I am using it as an opportunity to grab hold of my career before it is too late and to go back to interests that dh and I had in common before we had dc.)

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/03/2014 11:27

I admit I've made a rod for my own back with doing everything for them!

But regarding tea, I wouldn't mind if he came in at 10pm and ate the meal I prepared for him but it gets binned the following day!
I'd be a bad parent if I didn't cook and I'm a bad parent cause I do!

And DH has never ever got my back or sides with me not just on this matter and DS gets to do what he wants and good old daddy lets him

OP posts:
NurseyWursey · 12/03/2014 11:29

You're just repeating yourself now, everyone has offered advice but you haven't actually said what you're going to do with the advice. You seem adamant about making this tea. Just STOP. Trust me you'll make everyone's life so much easier! You won't be a bad mum at all, don't think like that. The fact you're even worrying about it shows you're a good mum!

coco44 · 12/03/2014 11:33

I seem to be in the minority, but I think it is really rude not to eat a meal someone has cooked for you.Nothing to do with independence!

Goblinchild · 12/03/2014 11:35

That's why he needs to tell her if he's going to be there or not before she starts, coco. That's the polite and mature thing to do.
But really, I think the OP is enjoying her wallow.

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/03/2014 11:36

I've actually just realised what a horrid selfish boy he's turned outHmm
And it's not just over tea

The comment about it's my dad who provides everything for us and what a shit childhood I've had that really really hurt, I've gone without to give them the best of everything, I've done everything for them but that's right it wasn't me it was good old dad!

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 12/03/2014 11:38

"Why is the husband 'a prick?' (First few posters.)
"

I'm absolutely lost on this one aswell

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/03/2014 11:39

You won't be a bad parent if you don't cook for him - it won't change anything for him at all because he isn't eating it anyway. Just have plenty of bread and sandwich fillings, tins of soup etc in the cupboard and he can fend for himself.

Your job as a parent is to assist your children in developing as competant and pleasant adults. Learning to take responsibility for everyday chores and feeding yourself is part of that process. I made the DS (aged 10 and 6) pancakes on Shrove Tuesday. They wanted some more another day so they got out the cookbook and made their own - I didn't feel my role had been usurped - I was proud of them for showing a bit of initiative.

cory · 12/03/2014 11:40

Skivvywoman Wed 12-Mar-14 11:27:44
"I admit I've made a rod for my own back with doing everything for them!

But regarding tea, I wouldn't mind if he came in at 10pm and ate the meal I prepared for him but it gets binned the following day!
I'd be a bad parent if I didn't cook and I'm a bad parent cause I do! "

It's the drama that is the problem. "I am a bad parent" sounds terribly dramatic and self-pitying- it's a fool-proof way of alienating a teenager.

They are at an age where they need to become independent: in order to be able to do this, they need to feel that their parents are robust and sturdy people who will not turn their walking away into a drama.

It doesn't mean you have to be a pushover or accept rudeness. It just means you have to learn to care a little less.

You will not be a bad parent if you tell him to make himself a sarnie. You will not be a bad parent if you just stick the food in the freezer or eat it yourself to avoid waste.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/03/2014 11:43

No - he isn't a horrid selfish boy.

He doesn't appreciate what you do because you've always done it so he has no idea of how much you've been doing. Stop doing stuff for them and let them grow up and take responsibility. You want him to be grateful but he has no idea what he is supposed to be grateful for because you've always done everything. Its like not be grateful for the air we breathe because its always there and just part of the background (you don't appreciate it until you try holding your breath / swimming underwater).

cory · 12/03/2014 11:44

Skivvywoman Wed 12-Mar-14 11:36:35

"I've gone without to give them the best of everything, I've done everything for them but that's right it wasn't me it was good old dad!"

See what I mean? Everything you say is about your feeling sorry for yourself. Don't. Just do as much as you can do ungrudgingly, and then stop. The world won't come to an end. They will learn some skills and not be burdened with the weight of your martyrdom. Win-win.

springlamb · 12/03/2014 11:49

Why don't you just 'about face' on the whole thing. Instead of your 18 and 15 yr old telling you when they're going to be OUT, tell the whole family that 5pm is the mealtime for 3/5 of you, that is the time a full cooked meal is available. If the olders want to partake and are available they should tell you by 4pm. Otherwise it is a self-service kitchen and you expect it to be left in the state it was found in.
Stop with the showers rubbish and spend the time making yourself look fab for the day ahead. Seems to me you need to take every opportunity to boost your self esteem and stop with the skivvywoman thing.
(Read this paragraph with tongue in cheek pl). And seeing as you've given him such a 'shit childhood' do your very best with dd's childhood lest you make the same mistake. Book you and dd a lovely short break somewhere in the Easter holidays and let them all get on it.
I did this for 5 days recently. By day 2 they face timed me and one was actually tearful. Needless to say I did not rush back.

Pagwatch · 12/03/2014 11:52

I really do think you need to take some of this thread on board as you do sound incredibly hard work. that may not be what you intend but it all sounds incredibly needy and childish.
Everything has to be on your terms and then, if they are not grateful ,you just feel sorry for yourself.

Your son doesn't sound incredibly selfish. He sounds frustrated.

MamaPain · 12/03/2014 11:52

You need to have two separate discussions. One with your DH and one with your kids. Talk to your DH first then talk to your kids, he should back you up on what you say.

Set out the rules.

-Dinner is at 5pm Monday-Friday
-If you're there you get a meal if you aren't there, you don't.
-They need to let you know by 4pm (or whenever you would normally start cooking) if they will be there for tea, otherwise you will presume not and they won't get a portion

I have similar rules, we don't eat at 5pm, but my DC who are older let me know if they will be in for tea or not, this can be by text or if they're indoors I just ask them. If they don't tell me I tend to assume they won't be here. If they miss a meal then that's fine too, there may be some leftovers which I leave in the fridge but the general rule is that there is always toast/beans/cheese/salad that they can help themselves to.

Stop running around after the kids, its unnecessary. There is no reason why as teens they can't make a decision and then sort themselves out food wise.