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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say DH is a prick and ds2 is a brat!

284 replies

Skivvywoman · 11/03/2014 21:26

I'm so so angry I can't even look at them or speak to them!

I'm fed up cooking meals and ds2 not being here to eat them so I put them aside for him to eat when he comes in but they end up in the bin!

He comes home from school today gets changed and is about to go out, I tell him he can go out after his tea, he tells me he's going to town with his GF I tell him he's not he's having his tea first! I go into the kitchen and all I hear is see ya go through and he's gone so I shout out the window to get back in he says he will be back for 6pm I tell him if he goes he's grounded, all along DH is just sitting there saying nothing!!

He comes in at 6.10pm all happy happy so I tell him he's grounded, he said so I'm grounded cause I wasn't here to eat your shite tea! I told him no it's because he went out when I said no,

One thing lead to another and he told me I always cause arguments in the house,I've gave him a shit childhood and it's always DH who has provided for him!!
I was so angry as DH sat and never said a thing just had a smirk on his face!
I got upset that he said I've gave him a shit childhood and his dads provided everything,
I said to DH you better get him to his room before I punch him (I wouldn't) DH said I think you should go to your room you said some hurtful things!!
I had tears in my eyes DH told me I was harsh by saying he couldn't go out and he only said it to get out (wrong way to fucking go)

He's been in his room all night then DH said later on think you were harsh it was trivial, so I've told him he can deal with him from now on I'm not interested anymore!

I always feel I'm fighting a losing battle as DH never ever sticks up for me or backs me up!

OP posts:
Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/03/2014 11:52

If I sound like a drama queen so bloody be it!

OP posts:
TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 12/03/2014 11:53

Stop feeling sorry yourself and creating drama out of nothing.

It's simple. In the morning, ask him if he'll be home for dinner. If he says no, don't cook him anything. At 15, he should be perfectly capable of cooking for himself or at least heating something up in the microwave. Why are you continuing to cook meals for him that he doesn't want? You're making a rod for your own back and creating unnecessary tension with him for no reason whatsoever.

He's fifteen. He should be looking after himself for the most part - doing his own laundry, cleaning his room, making his bed - he should be doing it all without help from anyone else.

NurseyWursey · 12/03/2014 11:53

Well now you are.

Pagwatch · 12/03/2014 11:54

What are you trying to achieve with the thread?
Your situation sounds awful for you and everyone else. Would it not be worth contemplating the idea that ou could change things and make everyone happier?

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/03/2014 11:55

Springlamb your right I need to make time for me!
I'm going away in April for a hen weekend and it can't come bloody quick enough!

OP posts:
dollius · 12/03/2014 11:56

Sounds to me like a boy rebelling against his mother's rather cloying behaviour towards him.

Good grief, my 9-year-old runs his own bath and my 7-year-old can manage his own toothpaste, could do at 5!

Why are you worrying about when a 15-year-old will eat? He's hardly going to starve to death is he?

cory · 12/03/2014 11:57

It's what we're all saying, Skivvy! Have a good time! Make good times for yourself that are not centered around your role as carer for your dc- the time for that role is running out and you need to embrace the fact! Have fun! Don't be the skivvy!

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/03/2014 11:58

I'm not worried when he will eat I'm peed off that the food gets wasted, I really can't afford to be throwing food away!

OP posts:
dollius · 12/03/2014 11:59

So don't cook it for him!

Simples!!

Pagwatch · 12/03/2014 12:00

All the more reason to stop cooking.
Learning to cook simple meals is a basic life skill. Get him started.

Frangipane · 12/03/2014 12:00

OP, I hear you re the timing of tea. It is not always helpful when posters focus on one thing they would do differently and ignore the reasons you give for doing it your way. And I definitely don't agree with people saying let him cook his own dinner. I imagine you plan your meals (well, I do anyway) and having someone come in and possibly use food you have in the fridge for another meal would be even more annoying than the situation you have now. Just because someone is 15 and old enough to make their own meal does not mean they are no longer part of a family and should therefore participate in family meals. And yes, I have teenagers, 3 of them.

I can understand too your frustration that meals are being thrown away. How about this for a plan (as I also agree with a lot of posters that you need to choose your battles with teens very carefully and this one seems to have got out of hand). How about you make a meal. If ds is not there to eat it, put it in the fridge. If he wants it later, he reheats it. If he doesn't want it that day, it stays in the fridge - it won't come to any harm for 24 hours. Then, the following day, you only have to cook for the remainder of the family, saving you some food, and ds eats the meal he didn't eat the day before.

Oh and with regard to your dh: yes I fully understand your anger. He should have backed you up. By turning on you in front of ds, and by smirking when you were angry, he has really undermined your authority. Maybe you weren't handling ds correctly, but he was well out of order speaking to you like that in front of ds, allowing ds to drive a wedge between the 2 of you. Parenting works best when there is a united front. Definitely talk to him and tell him you want him to back you up. If he thinks your parenting is so awful, maybe he should take control a bit more?

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/03/2014 12:00

And that's what I intend to do Cory make some me time! I'm going to be selfish for a change!

OP posts:
TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 12/03/2014 12:01

Then why the hell do you insiSt on cooking it for him? You know he won't eat it, so why do you bother?!

Frangipane · 12/03/2014 12:02

End of my first para should have said 'just because someone is 15 and old enough to make their own meal does not mean they are no longer part of a family and should therefore NOT participate in family meals.'

Pagwatch · 12/03/2014 12:05

A teenager making is own meals to accommodate his activities after school is hardly him withdrawing from the family.
And making a meal he doesnt want at a time he doesn't want it and then leaving it in the fridge for 24 hours is not exactly finding a compromise.

Is this why half the women on here seem to do all the cooking - because it all has to be exactly on their terms?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/03/2014 12:06

You're not really responding to all the comments that suggest flexibility versus rigid control, does that not feel a useful insight? Or do you feel the need to cling on to your authority so much? I'm interested in why all comments of that ilk are bring ignored? Could just be cos you haven't read through them yet of course :)

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/03/2014 12:08

Frang I totally agree DH may have thought I was being harsh but he could have stepped in when DS cheek started, it's like I'm constantly fighting a losing battle! I'm always undermined

I don't know what I wanted from this thread!

OP posts:
Frangipane · 12/03/2014 12:08

A 15 year old should not be out every evening during school time, imo. But I am not raising that as an argument here as clearly this particular 15 year old is doing just that. I was simply suggesting a way forward that might be more to the OPs way of thinking that everyone else is.

She wants to cook for her son. It is entirely normal to do so. At the moment she is complaining that 9/10s of her meals for him are thrown away. The food waste is terrible. I am simply suggesting a way in which she can continue to provide for him without wasting so much food.

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/03/2014 12:09

The only thing I can do then is plate his tea up and if he doesn't eat he doesn't eat!

OP posts:
soverylucky · 12/03/2014 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 12/03/2014 12:12

Skivvy, making me time is not a selfish thing to do.

Trying to be everything to your teenager is not the kind and unselfish thing to do.

The kind thing to do is to enable him to grow into the best and most independent man he can be- and to do so cheerfully and ungrudgingly.

It is to show him that a family where everybody's needs are equally important is a happier place. Making it a positive thing. It is about letting go of the martyr's role without resentment.

MummyBeerest · 12/03/2014 12:13

Just a thought-could he have eaten while out? Surely that should be allowed?

I do think you're right-kid's got it made. He's allowed to do whatever he wants by his dad and his mum does all of the chores.

Speaking from my own experience, doing absolutely everything for your children and then expecting them to respect you for it is not going to happen. It really won't. It'll just cause resentment.

Frangipane · 12/03/2014 12:13

Skivvy, is sounded like you just need to sound off. I've felt the same way many times before and used MN to do it, and yes, frequently, you end up wishing you hadn't bothered.

FWIW, I understand your frustrations and I definitely agree with posters that you need to find some way of stepping back from ds a bit, hard though it may be. And you are definitely right to feel aggrieved that your dh did not back you up. If you talk to him, remember to try not to be confrontational. So don't say 'why did you do this/say that?' Instead say 'when you did this/said that, you made me feel xxx'. Try to get him to see things from your perspective. And if he thought you were being unreasonable to ds, listen to his opinion and ask him how he thinks you should handle it in future. Make the man do some parenting!

NurseyWursey · 12/03/2014 12:14

The only thing I can do then is plate his tea up and if he doesn't eat he doesn't eat!

Or you could stop the food waste which is what one of your issues is, and just make sure there's sandwich stuff in or something he can make himself later?

cory · 12/03/2014 12:15

Why do you have to plate his tea out, skivvy? Why not show him where the kitchen is? When my 13yo gets hungry and I'm not around, he makes himself a bowl of porridge. Cheap and nourishing and perfectly simple to do.