AIBU to say DH is a prick and ds2 is a brat!

[Skivvywoman]

I'm so so angry I can't even look at them or speak to them!

I'm fed up cooking meals and ds2 not being here to eat them so I put them aside for him to eat when he comes in but they end up in the bin!

He comes home from school today gets changed and is about to go out, I tell him he can go out after his tea, he tells me he's going to town with his GF I tell him he's not he's having his tea first! I go into the kitchen and all I hear is see ya go through and he's gone so I shout out the window to get back in he says he will be back for 6pm I tell him if he goes he's grounded, all along DH is just sitting there saying nothing!!

He comes in at 6.10pm all happy happy so I tell him he's grounded, he said so I'm grounded cause I wasn't here to eat your shite tea! I told him no it's because he went out when I said no,

One thing lead to another and he told me I always cause arguments in the house,I've gave him a shit childhood and it's always DH who has provided for him!!
I was so angry as DH sat and never said a thing just had a smirk on his face!
I got upset that he said I've gave him a shit childhood and his dads provided everything,
I said to DH you better get him to his room before I punch him (I wouldn't) DH said I think you should go to your room you said some hurtful things!!
I had tears in my eyes DH told me I was harsh by saying he couldn't go out and he only said it to get out (wrong way to fucking go)

He's been in his room all night then DH said later on think you were harsh it was trivial, so I've told him he can deal with him from now on I'm not interested anymore!

I always feel I'm fighting a losing battle as DH never ever sticks up for me or backs me up!

He went out at 4.30 tea was 5! Only half an hour to wait!

DH has to stop acting like their friend and act like a dad!

step back from all this. its like fighting with a toddler over food - its pointless and won't bring you or him any happiness at all.

your dh is in part right, though i don't like his way of going about things. you are making a fuss about something that does not matter. your son will eat when ready. if mealtime is 5, or 6, and he's not there, he'll miss a meal. and when he's missed a few, and had to make his own sandwich later, he'll turn up on time.

A new tea time would be the way forward. Your routines are far too rigid, and that gives people something to fight against. You are making problems for yourself.

A 15 year old does not want or need the same rigid routine he found comforting when he was a toddler. Treat him like one now and he will rebel, that is guaranteed. Personally, I think 5.00 pm is a logical time for him to be out meeting his girlfriend in town on these lighter evenings. He can reheat his dinner when he gets in, or make something for himself. He should not have gone out if you had told him not to, of course not, but perhaps going forward if you have a new set of rules in place you will avoid unnecessary battles. Dinner at a later time, like 6.00 pm or 7.00 pm, but tell your son that if he isn't intending to eat with you then he simply MUST tell you in advance. He is more likely to be reasonable (insofar as teenagers ever are) if he sees some built-in flexibility.

As for the other kids and their activities, what on earth are they doing until 9.00 pm? Anyway, either sandwiches or beans on toast a couple of evenings a week won't harm them - nice and quick, and saves on the cooking.

Both boys are at football training one is till 9 the other 9.30pm
Dd has brownies and dancing

wow how psycho are you Skivvy??!! threatening to punch your son because he doesn't want his dinner at 5 and disobeyed your screaming banshee act is VVVU

Your DH should have backed you up but calling him a prick because he doesn't go off on a psycho rant at your kids is a tad extreme! If you regularly go off at the kids like this then i am not surprised he chooses to play the good guy with them.

Can i suggest that you put up a family calendar and get your DS1 to write up on it what nights he will be having dinner with the family so that you know when to cook for him? This worked for me when I was a teenager, between afterschool commitments, study parties and social activities mum could never keep up.

YANBU for being angry with the way your son spoke to you, however, you cannot blame your son for speaking to you the way he did if the way you spoke to him tonight is your regular method of communication with him.

I never ever shout or scream I'm probably as mellow as they come but he actually riled me it was the defiant attitude! I'm just sick of always throwing away food if he actually reheated it when he came in that's fine, it's not like I'm rolling in money to waste good healthy food!

For god's sake just stop forcing him to have dinner and you're going to save yourself all this stress.

So when does he eat?

so dont cook for him and let him fend for himself - ergo wasted food issue solved

he is a teenager, defiance unfortunately comes with the job. outright laying down the law will never work, he is no longer a 5 year old, he is a burgeoning adult and you need to treat him as such, treat him with some respect and you will see that respect shown back to you. compromise with him, ask him if he wants something cooking that he can reheat or will he be sorting himself out later rather than demanding he sit down for tea or arbitrarily saving it for him out of habit.

as much as i hate the phrase, you need to loosen the apron strings.

i was a nightmare teenager, not aided by my parents refusal to discuss my education choices and laying down the law over what i was doing post 16 etc, i rebelled a lot, i shouted, slammed doors etc because m,y mum was (in my eyes) incredibly hostile towards me. Both my parents made it very clear they didn't like me and preferred my sister who was hassle free.

be careful or you will lose him for good

That'll be his problem won't it. When he comes home probably. Keep sandwich stuff in as I'm sure you do already and he'll be fine. That's what I did when I was his age.

Like I said you're making a rod for your own back, chose your battles, this isn't one!

Have ready meals, pasta, beans, bread etc in the cupboards and he can eat when he's hungry. He can make it himself.

I don't understand what is so wrong to say tea is at 5pm, we all eat together you can go out after. He is not the only one in the family, if it works for the rest of them, then tough he has to compromise.

We have 2 teenaged boys (19&17) they know our only strict rule is they need to let us know if they are not going to be in for dinner, otherwise it is a family thing and it is on the table at 6pm. It used to be 5pm, but DH gets home later.

We all have a reason for this time, we can move it if someone is desperate, but no way would someone storm off out 30 minutes before hand and come back when they felt like it, then eat Pot Noodles later.

Oh dear Lord... my dad (who did the cooking) used to have tea on the table for 5.30pm once I'd started work (16). It was out of sheer tyranny. He'd worked out that the bus home from work at 5.05pm would drop me (and my mum) off home at 5.25pm so tea was at 5.30pm. No chance of having a life or even a 3 min chat with a colleague after work, if we weren't on that bus and home for dinner he would rage at us in much the same way that you seem to have done at your son. Please examine the reasons for your anger and for your continued insistence on a 5pm dinner and make sure you're not doing this simply to keep control.

To be fair, you do sound very exasperated and at the end of your tether. I do feel for you, but this is a rod you've made for your own back. You chose to escalate this situation. Pick your battles, make sure he knows to let you know if he won't be there for the 5pm tea, that's basic manners. If he's not eating the food you're cooking anyway, don't cook for him. He should not have spoken to you like that, but all teenagers are full of hyperbole and it's NEVER their fault .

As for your DH, he doesn't sound particularly supportive and should have picked your DS up on the way he spoke to you. But I'm wondering if he sees the 5pm three line whip as you do, or perhaps he also sees it as too rigid?

The only reason tea is at 5 mon to fri is every night someone or all of them are out at 6, and by the time 8-9-10 comes I'm ready for bed not cooking

Everyone's right I should pick my battles but tbf we never battle I'm actually worn down with them, and everyone's right I've made a rod for my own back cause I've done everything for them all their lives!

Well given you say you keep throwing food out he clearly is eating. Ask them to tell you in the morning if they want dinner. If they do they are there and it eat it, if try say they'll sort themselves out then trust them to do so.

Yes, your DH should have got him to apologise but it seems like such a fuss over nothing. And in no way was your response chilled out. The rage screams off the screen

Oh littlebear I've not been so angry in a long long time!

Asking in the morning about tea will probably just add more stress as he's liable to say yes then change plans if something else comes up.

Sounds like you're generating a lot of anger for little reason OP and making life harder than it needs to be. 6.10 was early for him to come back. Grounding is a pretty severe punishment for a teen that age with a gf and should really be reserved for seriously bad behaviour.

Give him the choice, tea at 5pm, or go without food. Don't allow him to raid the cupboards when he comes in later.

Don't allow him to raid the cupboards when he comes in later

Why not? That's just making rules for rules sake.

I said upthread about how it was a nightmare for my friend because she had a set dinnertime and COULD NOT deviate from it. As we all didn't have to have dinner, we were already out and hanging around where we hung around which was about a 2 miles, give or take, from our homes. This meant that when she was ready to come out she either had to walk on her own or we'd have to go and get her. It was a PITA for all of us especially when it was dark, cold or rainy and definitely not safe for her to be walking on her own.

Why could he not have had his dinner at 6.10 when he got back? That wouldn't really have been so unreasonable, would it? Not if he had let you know in advance, or at least spoken to you in a reasonable tone??

Loosen up. He was rude and that was unacceptable, but it sounds as if you were very OTT too.

Keep Calm, its Only Dinner.

Oooh I feel your rage

Someone once told me that Rage = anger + impotence

I really get that, that rage is when you feel out of control and powerless. It's a rubbish thing to feel and not be able to get over.

In this case, I think you need to act like a tree not a brick wall! Think willow tree, strong and rooted deep and firm, a force of nature yet bends with the gales, not snapping and breaking... When we get stressed and feel under attack,it's easy to react by tensing, becoming rigid and immovable. That tends not to work.

Think flexible strength, how could you be flexibly strong as a parent? You have to grow and change as kids get older, it's not just them doing the growing, it's you too!

It's your family and you can find the answer best, but from the info given here, it's saying 'new rules' to me.

I think the dh is getting a bit of a pasting. Sounds to me like he's over it.

Dont cook for him, hes 15 and old enough to feed himself, my Dsis is 14 and perfectly capable of doing it.

Think of it as a life lesson for when he moves out, if they are old enough to do things for themselves, then let em do it, you dont need to keep being the martyr for difficult teens.

If you stop doing things for your DS, he'll soon learn how much you actually do for him.

I stopped cooking for all my teenagers. They couldnt be here for the dinner time that suited me then tough shit. Cook and clean up yourself.Oh yeah and if they didnt clean up after themselves then they didnt get to cook or eat at home next time. Im their mother not their skivvy. If they happen to be around when I start cooking I offer them some. If they ask while Im cooking if Ill keep them a plate for later I will

I dont do any of their laundry either as they couldnt seem to get it in the actual basket.

If they were rude then no taxi service,no money,no laptop,no phone depending on the magnitude of the offense

I never shouted at them,just quietly stopped doing things and if questioned, explained why

Seems to have worked so far except for the crashing numerous cars thing that i cant seem to break ds1 of

I think you need to stop cooking for them. It's not unreasonable for them not to want to eat early. It is unreasonable of them to expect you to cook, only to have it chucked in the bin. Let them look after themselves.

I think the smarmy "do you often threaten physical violence" brigade are (deliberately?) missing the point.

I think your husband behaved very badly.

I think you have taken on the role of servant, and that your family treats you like one. I don't blame you for being upset, I would be too. I can see how when pretty much everything you do, you do for someone else who is supposed to love you, it would get soul destroying with zero appreciation coming your way.

One step at a time. Stop with the preparing meals that aren't going to be eaten. Stop with the toothbrush thing (if that is you). Let them learn to be independent.