AIBU to say DH is a prick and ds2 is a brat!

[Skivvywoman]

I'm so so angry I can't even look at them or speak to them!

I'm fed up cooking meals and ds2 not being here to eat them so I put them aside for him to eat when he comes in but they end up in the bin!

He comes home from school today gets changed and is about to go out, I tell him he can go out after his tea, he tells me he's going to town with his GF I tell him he's not he's having his tea first! I go into the kitchen and all I hear is see ya go through and he's gone so I shout out the window to get back in he says he will be back for 6pm I tell him if he goes he's grounded, all along DH is just sitting there saying nothing!!

He comes in at 6.10pm all happy happy so I tell him he's grounded, he said so I'm grounded cause I wasn't here to eat your shite tea! I told him no it's because he went out when I said no,

One thing lead to another and he told me I always cause arguments in the house,I've gave him a shit childhood and it's always DH who has provided for him!!
I was so angry as DH sat and never said a thing just had a smirk on his face!
I got upset that he said I've gave him a shit childhood and his dads provided everything,
I said to DH you better get him to his room before I punch him (I wouldn't) DH said I think you should go to your room you said some hurtful things!!
I had tears in my eyes DH told me I was harsh by saying he couldn't go out and he only said it to get out (wrong way to fucking go)

He's been in his room all night then DH said later on think you were harsh it was trivial, so I've told him he can deal with him from now on I'm not interested anymore!

I always feel I'm fighting a losing battle as DH never ever sticks up for me or backs me up!

So stop cooking for him, when he eats is his problem he is 15, he will figure it out.

I was doing my own washing at 15, it wouldn't even have occurred to me to still expect my mum to do it.

You teach people how to treat you.

I've calmed down this morning but I'm still very hurt at both of them,
Really hurt that DH never stopped his cheek (it was like he was enjoying it)
And im hurt at ds wicked tongue!

I'm going to stop cooking his meals and doing his washing for a couple of days to let him see how much I do for him, cause right now I just feel like a skivvy!

And as for DH I'm really questioning out relationship!

You shouldn't be doing a 15 year old's washing anyway. He's perfectly capable of loading up a washing machine and pressing a few buttons. It's not rocket science.

Anyway, as for your OP - it's fine to have a set meal time of 5pm if that works for your family, but I don't think you can force a 15 year old to be there. Why not change your rules slightly - "dinner will be at 5pm. If you won't be home, let me know in the morning and you can cook for yourself when you get back."

There's no need for a massive row over a 15 year old not eating his tea at 5pm - it smacks of you trying to keep control over him, when you rally need to let him go a bit to spread his wings.

Skivvy - glad to hear that you have calmed down. I can imagine that last night must have made you really furious but it seems that life at the moment is a constant struggle and I think you all need to stop and press the re-set button. Its a good habit to stop every now and then and work out what is actually working and what is not.

Have a family conference and lay down your points, calmly. But everyone needs to listen. Everyone should come prepared with what is annoying them. Talk about the point, agree on a way forward. Point by point.

This is how I would proceed with your son:

1. stop doing things for him that he really should do himself. You are not doing him any favours. He will soon leave the house, unable to look after himself.

2. Give him two chores that you expect him to do every week.

3. Change your dinner time. Just because you have had dinner at 5 for the last 20 years doesn't mean you have to do so for the next 20 years. Change is not a bad thing! I would find 5 pm too early too, as does your son. He probably snacks around a bit later on and therefore isn't hungry when he comes back. As others have said, he shouldn't have gone out BUT - at least he came back around the time he was meant to. What I mean is that all is not lost, he is not hanging around street corners until midnight so surely that is a positive thing.
   Agree with him what would be a reasonable time to eat dinner ie 6,30. If you feel hungry in between, sit down with a cuppa and a biscuit.

4. Let him cook once a week. He a) learns an important life skill and b) will appreciate how much work cooking can be.

5. Agree on mutual respect. You don't threaten him with a punch, he has to listen to you.

6. Spend some quality time together. Even if you don't feel like it, ask him what fun activity you two could do together, once a week or once every two weeks. Re-connect!

7. Don't introduce too many changes at the same time. It will get overwhelming and difficult to enforce.

PS: don't know how to deal with your idiot husband. Perhaps you two could have another calm conversation. Make him realise again how important it is to stick together or the rest of teenage years will become hell.

Good luck!

It's the wasted food that would piss me off as well.

Fine if he wants to eat at 6-but he either reheats what was cooked or makes himself something so that food isn't wasted.

I do think that you were ridiculous for expecting him to eat first when he was only going to be an hr so I agree that you caused an argument and grounded him unnecessarily.

That could all have been avoided with communication!

Diddl he wouldn't have came back in an hour, that's why I wanted him to eat before he went out and he only came back cause he knew I was angry about him going out when I said no!

Op I know exactly where you're coming from.. All teenage boys need reigning in sometimes when they get too big for their boots. They can't help it... it's a biological thing.

Stop cooking for him full stop.. or cook stuff you can have the next day/be frozen. You're into a hiding to nothing.

I've just imposed a list of sanctions on mine this morning for various things.. no arguing needed.. He has a choice of doing the little I require in his own time before getting his stuff back.. its his choice then and less head space for me.

You need to pick your battles with your son.

Your partner needs a come to jesus meeting.. parenting works best when you are both on the same page.. focus your annoyance on him.

And seriously you put toothpaste on the toothbrush? Howay man knock that off.

I'll run a shower for mine because it makes him get out of bed in a morning because he's dying for a pee

You so seem absurdly rigid in your thinking and controlling. We've always eaten at 5 so shall eat at five forever more. Your life and his life is changing so you need to adapt.

Any self respecting teenager would have told you to do one years ago. I really can't see the issue with leaving the foid out to be microwaved qhen he comes in or leaving a loaf of bread and some cheese or ham so he can make a sandwich. The sooner you realise you can't micromanage every second of a teenager's life the happier you will all be.

DH said I think you should go to your room you said some hurtful things!!

Why do you say this isn't sticking up for you?

"Diddl he wouldn't have came back in an hour, that's why I wanted him to eat before he went out and he only came back cause he knew I was angry about him going out when I said no!"

But it wouldn't have mattered if he hadn't come back until 9 & then eaten!

He's 15, he can make that decision himself.

I don't think anyone is listening tea is at 5pm because every night apart from sat and sun one or all of them are out at an activity, for years I've always put his tea aside and 9/10 times it goes in the bin! After he has told me to keep it for him and I'm sick to the back teeth of throwing food away that I've bought and made for it to go in the bin!
I'm certainly not controlling as he has more freedom than most kids his age!

Any self respecting teenager would have told you to go one ???????

Christ alive since when did teenagers rule the roost?
15 might be older than 5 but they are still children who need boundaries.

I don't necessarily agree with the routine the OP has but seriously that comment ^ has made me wonder about the parenting in this country.

So stop cooking for him!

Then you can stop stressing about wasted food.

And there would be some intense consequence to any one of my teens telling me to 'do one' give your frigging head a wobble

So don't cook for him and let him have a sandwich which he can make.

Dinner doesn't need to be so early. Whoever has the activity simply has different dinner on the day they are out. You have an 18 year old and a 15 year old. They can sort themselves. Your DD can't so eat earlier on the days she's out.

Not ruling the roost.. but not infantilised as is happening here. Anyway showing a bit of defiance and pushing back against rigid and pointless rules is psrt of being a teenager and carving out an identity of their own. I would be more worried if a teenager was all yes sir, no sir three bags full.

Have a look at who is iut when.

Do you all need to eat at 5 because one person is going out for example?

My DD is out at an activity four nights a week - two nights a week until 9.30. And I have to work around ds2 who is always starving

So?
I cook things like stew and pasta that they can grab a spoonful of when they get home. We have wraps, soup and cold stuff for salads they can eat between school and swimming etc.

You are upset and frustrated by trying to stick to a routine that no longer works for your family.

Teach your son to cook himself quick nutritional meals and calm your home down.
I started with DD with simple things like omelettes and pasta with tuna. She is 11 and becoming a decent cook now.

Are you the one who does every little thing for your kids but insisted it hadn't turned them into entitled spoilt teenagers? Hmm. Back, own, rod, for...put those words in the right order...

Why does it have to be so rigid? Why can't you just accept that if he goes hungry it's his problem and not something that needs to cause you stress? Why can't the food just be reheated and used the next day instead? Or frozen and enjoyed later?

I have a 13yo and a 17yo. They are often out and about, and sometimes dh and I are out and about at short notice. The 17yo will suddenly remember she has an extra rehearsal at college and text us that she will be late home, the 13yo will be invited round for tea by a mate, dh will miss his train (long commute), I will suddenly be detained at work.

We get round this by mutual tolerance and flexibility.

If dh and I are suddenly detained, then the teens will sort something out to eat and leave a bit for us. If the 17yo is detained then she will eat if she can when she gets in but we accept that she is often too tired if she has been working late. If the 13yo eats elsewhere he will eat the missed meal the next day. The one thing we insist on is keeping each other informed.

It's just not worth so much angst. Food doesn't have to be wasted: I (or dh) cook one big meal for everybody and left-overs can be frozen or eaten the next day. And as we all eat the same thing, the cook usually has the satisfaction of seeing it enjoyed by at least part of the family on the day.

YANBU
I have 2 teenagers and one 12.5 yr old (+ 2 single-digit midgets) and I expect everyone to sit round teh table for dinner every night.You are not running a hotel and your DS is being rude and disrespectful to you
Was your husband smirking though? Does he dislike confrontationsIt sounds more like he was grimacing as things escalated and escalated and it sounds from your OP as though he DID back you up.
DH said I think you should go to your room you said some hurtful things!! I assumed that comment was addressed to your DS?

I'm certainly not controlling as he has more freedom than most kids his age

Really?! You sound very controlling. You are controlling when he should eat at 15 and telling him he can't go out for a couple of hours- you're inflexible at best, controlling at worst.

5pm has worked for so long because of activities, but why should he have to eat when he doesn't want to suit his siblings? Let him hear when he wants to!! And you don't have to throw dinner away if he doesn't eat it.

We do exactly this for DSS. He likes to have a quick snack and go out after school, and eat dinner about 8:30-9, and we're fine with that. We buy snacks in for him to have before he goes out, and if he doesn't eat his dinner, one of us will have it for lunch the next day- we don't throw it away!!

Your son is 15, and you need to accept he's growing up and things should change accordingly. I suspect your husband fundamentally disagrees with your viewpoint by doesn't know how to tell you you're wrong.

I also think you're making a rod for your own back. If he doesn't want tea, that's his look out. He can get a sandwich later; he's not going to drop dead from malnutrition.

What sort of food are you cooking that always ends up in the bin? Most things can be frozen and/or reheated the next day.

You are vastly overreacting and that's why your DH is not supporting you.

If someone is doing everything bar wiping their teenager's shitey arse then it suggests the op is having difficulty accepting that she cannot control everything that goes on inside the house. This is just another manifestation of her desire for control of a teenager that is neither appropriate or possible.

The op's volcanic reaction suggests that she can't bear to have her authority questioned or accept that she doesn't totally rule the roost. Bet the henpecked and drippy husband was thinking 'yes at last the worm has turned: viva the revolution! '