to ask you how you split your money in your marriage/partnership?

[Objection]

I always thought Oh and my arrangement was pretty normal - we calculate our shared costs (mortgage, bills, food etc) and split them in two. We then both put that about plus about 5% or so into a joint account. The rest of our money is for ourselves and treat each other as we see fit.
But after some previous advice here and from reading other threads it seems this method is largely viewed as selfish or weird...
We don't have children but I imagine when we do we'll just roughly calculate the extra costs and split them too.

How do other people manage theirs?

Before DC it was 50/50 with us both working and earning the same, after DC and me being a SAHM it's all joint with the same fun money each.

Bearbehind not recently. The flat we live in has no mortgage left .I bought a second flat in 1999 which was in my name only. It had a mortgage in my name only which was almost paid off and I took equity out of it 2 years ago to buy another flat in my name only but that is nothing to do with him.

Jeez caitlin, it all sounds so clinical, more like business partners than a couple in love but each to their own.

It does doesn't it Bearbehind

OH earns far more than I do, but my money is his and his money is mine. It just all goes into one pot and always has done. If I wanted to have the same income as OH I would probably have to do something illegal or unethical.

What has money got to do with love bearbehind?

It has a great deal to do with it though. Financial abuse is now a recognised part of domestic violence. Money can be used in horrid ways to control and abuse someone.

Not sure if that's supposed to be ironic brabra?

Brabra - have you recently changed your name?

I meant in caitlin's case. Bear.
Not recently mintyy why?

Chuck it all in, pay the bills and buy what we feel like and can afford.
it's just so much easier than fannying about with calculations. And I am very idle.

All money is in one pot (apart from. CB) Once bills are paid whatever is left (if there's any left) is split 50/50. Some weeks nothing is left other weeks there's £30-£40 each. It works for us. CB is used for clothes for the DCs and occasionally us when needed.

Once I'm qualified I'll likely earn more than DH but we'll still do the same. IMO its the only fair way to do it as at the moment I'm helping DH work while I look after the DCs and study, when I'm qualified it will partly be due to DH working to allow me to be able to study. It's all about give and take.

It if you're married it isn't fair for one to use say 90% of their wage to pay half of the bills while the other (who earns more) only contributes 60% of their wage to cover their half of the bills. It would only lead to resentment.

Like I said, each to their own , brabra.

I think you can ignore financial variances in a marriage and one person earning hugely different amounts to the other isn't a problem, but I just can't begin to imagine being in a long term relationship with someone who doesn't know what I earn or vice versa.

All this "in my name/in his name" is nonsense if you're married. It doesn't matter who's name anything is, all property is marital property.

But maybe Caitlin values her independence? I know I do. Of course certain posters have highlighted that they are being financially abused. I don't think financial independence is a sign of that though.

But surely you can be financially independent without being so secretive?

I can totally understand a situation where what one person earns has no impact on the other but to just not know what they each earn is beyond my comprehension.

I'm a SAHM, DH's salary gets paid into our joint account, all bills, savings and spending money comes from this. DH gets a bonus each year and mainly I get to decide what that is spent on such as holidays, house stuff, new car etc. This system has worked well for nearly 20 years, we never argue about money.

It seems some people (not all!) are implying that their relationship is more loyal/trusting/loving because they have just one pot.
I agree with brabra on the point that money isn't synonymous with love/state of relationship.
I think that's the point she's trying to make.

Yes, thank you objection, you said it clearer than I did!

No, I think brabra is trying to make the point that you can't be financially autonomous if all the household income goes into one account. Whereas I think you most certainly can if you have a grown up relationship with shared values. She thinks its like the 1950s. I think its like all things being equal.

I think if you are desperate to have your own money then have your own savings account but at least start from the point where you share - otherwise why on earth are you having children together?

DH pays for everything and gives me spending money too.

Until now my salary was mine which I spent most on holidays and own stuff. Once DD starts nursery, it'll go towards her nursery fees.

Who do you think I am mintyy?
A quick look at my other (very boring) posts will show you I'm not!
I do not understand why many women do not value their financial independence, yes. I think that shared spending should be based on what each individual brings in. If I didn't bring in a similar amount to my DH, I would expect to pay out less. I also value the SAHP's role, but I still don't understand why everything needs to be pooled. It does strike me as very old-fashioned.

But if you don't actually know what your partner earns how can you even begin to decide what works best for you?

I do know how much my DH earns. It makes no difference though, because if he was to run away tomorrow I would be able to support myself completely. I am talking about situations where one partner is a SAHP or on maternity leave.

I've been referring to caitlins situation where her and her husband don't know what each other earn- that's not the same as the situation you are referring to brabra yet you asked what money has to do with love.

I'm all for women being independent but I'm more for couples chosing what works best for them based on their circumstances and there is a fundamental flaw in that for me if you don't know what each other earns.

I'm a SAHM, other half works and has a very high salary.

All money in his account, we can't have a joint account as I will spank the money. He transfers money at the start of the week so me and the kids can do what we need to do, he will happily top it up if we need more and there is always access to cash if needs be. Works for us.