To be pissed off with dh's comment 'I don't know what you do all day'

[Moonfacesmother]

In a slightly complicated situation at the moment.
I've been a sahm since ds was born and he started school full time after christmas. Because I've been out of work for 4 and a half years I've been volunteering three and a half days a week to try and get myself some current experience and references. In addition to this we are currently undergoing rounds of ivf (first unsuccessful cycle last month trying again next month) which makes it quite tricky to find a permanent job when I will need time off and will not be able to explain why to a new employer.

This morning the dishwasher hadn't been on and dh needed a knife. I came and washed him one after hearing his loud dramatic sighs and he said 'honestly I don't know what you do all day.'

Monday to Wednesday I volunteer until it's time to fetch ds from school, Thursday I am home about 2ish and fetch ds at quarter to three. Yesterday I cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed, ironed and did the food shop.

Aibu to be pissed off? He could have quite easily put the dishwasher on himself last night, it's not rocket science. I just hasn't noticed how full it was.

[Cravey]

Number one. Next time make the lazy bastard wash his own knife. Number two. Make a list of everything you do in one day. Then give it to him. Then smack him. Really hard. He's a twat.

[parkin2010]

genuinely not at all or I wouldn't have preceded it with that. But someone coming on here suggesting you need to spend 5+ hours a day on the house to make it pleasant to me sounds ridiculous and exaggerated to the extreme. And it irritatated me the superior tone that insinuates anyone who doesn't is slacking in comparison. I don't see why I can't state that.

[GobbySadcase]

Why is volunteering not considered work?

Just because it's not paid doesn't mean it has no value. It's still work.

[monicalewinski]

Totally agree parkin.

[Feminine]

parkin I simply stated that for me keeping up with what needs to be done is close to a full days work.

for me

The standards that I like.

I've worked outside the home (with children) I didn't have the time to get everything done.

I didn't like your 'justifying' bit. That sounded very judgemental.

[hickorychicken]

Can i be really cheeky and ask what fills your full day fem?
l

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

I don't know how long it takes to run a house - I do know it is more time than I spend - looking round my house there is so much "could do better", birthday cards / presents often get bought on the way to the party, thank you notes are always behind, something is always lost, there are various things that need a tiny bit of sewing to fix them etc etc.

Is this sort of thing eradicated in your house Fem?

[VivaLeBeaver]

Take today for instance.

I've got up, gone into town to the bank and also to buy dd her birthday present. Then went to b&q to buy fencing stuff.

I've come home, had lunch. Dog proofed the fence at bottom of the garden to stop him escaping. Forked over two veg plots. Cleaned out the guinea pigs.

Took the dog for an hour long walk. Done two loads of washing and changed sheets on the bed. Its taken me till now to do that.

Now if it had been a week day and dh had been at work. He'd have come home and not noticed any of it. Wouldn't have known I'd done two laundry loads, walked dog, mended fence, etc. he'd just have noticed the hooverings not been done and the dishwasher hasn't been stacked.

[parkin2010]

thats because it is- sorry but that would be my honest reaction if someone told me a house took all day to clean each weekday. A house is spotless if it has a deep clean one day per week plus an hour per day. Thats not about standards, anyone with eyes can see dirt, grime and dust and know ironing needs doing. Unless your family don't pick a thing up after themselves when they are at home or you own a mansion stating it is a full time job mad in my opinion. If you have a toddler or baby at home then that is a totally different kettle of fish! for what its worth,the OP sounds like she works v hard.

[Feminine]

Oh I understand the Cleaning feeling. I mix all other household stuff in that mix. At the moment I am decorating the whole house. When that is finished, it will be garden/yard stuff. My husband and works in a manual job... He is very busy in the house also, but is understandably exhausted at the end of the day. I volunteer one day a week in my daughter's class.

[Feminine]

I suppose l take my role in the home quite seriously. I remember when I worked that lots of things went astray. I am not just talking about cleaning!

[parkin2010]

respectfully redecorating entire house and volunteering does justify what you do. That is working. Perhaps why this grates on me so much is because of the amount of people around me in real life who state simply cleaning and housework is what they do "full time" all day yet I have yet to hear any full-time working household hiring a cleaner for 25-30 hours per week as a necessity. Unless I read your comment incorrectly you sounded like you were stating you just cleaned all day.

[squeakytoy]

"If a home is run properly it takes time."

Are we talking about an average 3 bedroom semi or Downton Abbey..

My mum was a SAHM, and did all the cooking, cleaning etc.. she still found plenty of time to go out with her friends in the day time.. and our house was spotless, meals always on the table and all "admin" done..

I have many friends who have babies and toddlers, and they still find time every day to go to the park, meet up in Starbucks, go to the gym/hairdressers etc.. none of them ever complain about not having enough hours in the day to get their housework done.

[Caitlin17]

I really don't buy running a house is a full time job. You might make it one but plenty of people have full time Jobs and don't live in chaos.

Volunteer work 2 days a week is not the same as full time paid employment. If a couple have arranged their lives that one works full time out of the house in paid employment and the other stays at home and runs the house I think it's really completely unreasonable for the person at home to expect the person who works out of the home to do house work. Sharing childcare at the weekend yes, but if your job is "running the home" then do it- why should you expect the other person to help out with your "job"

I have huge sympathy with the OP on feeling unhappy about the IVF treatment she doesn't want to have but not on the other issues.

Do SAHM partners who expect their partners to still do housework help out at the office/factory/ building site?

[Moonfacesmother]

I actually volunteer three and a half days. Not two.

And I appreciate that it is not the same as a proper job. I don't expect dh to do anything much at home. However I don't expect him, on a Saturday morning, to notice the dishwasher needs putting on and not do it because it's 'my job.' Which is kind of how it felt. If it had been cooking, ironing etc then fair enough but it's a two second job. Normal I do it, it's true. I just hadn't thought about it last night.

[Moonfacesmother]

And since he doesn't share the childcare I don't get very much time at all to myself. It's not hard work being at home with ds but it doesn't give me much freedom.

[shebird]

Sounds like there are underlying issues with the OP and her DH - OP not happy about more IVF and DH probably feeling resentment at being the sole breadwinner.

[Caitlin17]

The issue with the IVF seems to me the most serious one. That sounds awful and OP of course should not be pressurised into it.

[OnlyLovers]

I have to ask again, OP: do YOU get any time at the weekends or other times to pursue hobbies or stay in bed late? If not why not? and does your DH not want to spend time with his family at the weekends? If not why not?

[alemci]

my dh is like that. Don't work fri but was busy doing housework then saw friend, then big shop then made dinner,

I cooked a nice curry and he moaned because I had the audacity to leave some washing up and the rice boiled over as I went to the loo and then folded some washing and got distracted,

sympathy to you op

[expatinscotland]

Who wiped the arses of all these cavemen before they foisted it all onto their wife or partner?

[bishbashboosh]

I think the freedom thing is horrendous nothing worse than feeling you're in prison and then not getting the support.

I think you needs break and he needs to bloody know the strain of ivf !!! Can you calm down and organise a sensible discussion where yoh tell him how you feel?

[expatinscotland]

Why put up people who treat you like this? Wanting their fucking hot dinner sat on the table like something out of the 1950s and moan about a few plates?! I'd have dumped someone like that at the dating stage, not procreated with them. Where do you meet people like this? My 5-year-old son tries that on me he gets punished.

[expatinscotland]

I'd stop the IVF right now, job search and make plans to leave this person.

[ikeaismylocal]

Why is this man who doesn't share the childcare, spends his weekends doing his hobby having a lie in and going to the gym so keen to have another child?

Yanbu his comment was rude.