To be pissed off with dh's comment 'I don't know what you do all day'

[Moonfacesmother]

In a slightly complicated situation at the moment.
I've been a sahm since ds was born and he started school full time after christmas. Because I've been out of work for 4 and a half years I've been volunteering three and a half days a week to try and get myself some current experience and references. In addition to this we are currently undergoing rounds of ivf (first unsuccessful cycle last month trying again next month) which makes it quite tricky to find a permanent job when I will need time off and will not be able to explain why to a new employer.

This morning the dishwasher hadn't been on and dh needed a knife. I came and washed him one after hearing his loud dramatic sighs and he said 'honestly I don't know what you do all day.'

Monday to Wednesday I volunteer until it's time to fetch ds from school, Thursday I am home about 2ish and fetch ds at quarter to three. Yesterday I cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed, ironed and did the food shop.

Aibu to be pissed off? He could have quite easily put the dishwasher on himself last night, it's not rocket science. I just hasn't noticed how full it was.

[harverina]

I don't think the op was asking about the ivf actually.

[NearTheWindymill]

No, but I think that's what it's about really.

[harverina]

It's about her husbands attitude towards her role in the home.

Telling the op that she can't really wants baby otherwise she wouldn't hesitate with the ivf is unfair and hurtful.

[ThatBloodyWoman]

If my dh started doing dramatic sighs because he needed a knife washing, he'd soon climb down if I walked in the door.......

You need to let go of a few things that you do, op, just so he's clear exactly what you do.

I suggest handing over loading and unloading, and salting, and cleaning the filter, and the seals, and the outside of the dishwasher initially.

[QwertyBird]

Op, have you considered supply teaching? You're not committing yourself long term that way.
I think part of your feelings about ivf is self preservation. If you think it won't happen it will hurt less if it fails?
There are definitely more issues than an unwashed knife. Maybe head over to the relationships board for some practical advice. Some posters on this board wouldn't know tact if it smacked them in the face. You will get more of the helpful advice over there.

[RiverTam]

why does your H want another child - another child he can fail to interact with? I mean, what does he do as a father? I'm afraid I simply can't get over the fact that your H never ever looks after his son, his own child, at the weekend. And this child is now school-age and has never had time with his dad at the weekend - every weekend he watches his dad go off and do things without him.

I think I would have tolerated that for about a month. Why have you accepted that - have you and your H never talked about that? How much practical support would he give you if you did have another child?

[juneau]

My DH said this to me once, so I wrote him a list of all the things I do on a daily/weekly basis and emailed it to him. He's a very corporate animal, so a word doc with a list on it was the most effective way of getting through to him that I could think of!

[monicalewinski]

I think it's less about role in the home and more about ivf too, actually.

From what you've written, it sounds like both you and your husband are frustrated and his has manifested in irritability, whilst you sound a bit worn down and resigned (being a realist about everything can lean a bit towards hopelessness if you are going through a period of low mood).

You need to communicate with each other and be honest about how you really feel - maybe taking a short break from ivf and doing some supply teaching or something as previous posters have suggested might help, both for your self esteem and to make you feel confidence again, and for your husband to appreciate you as a person again and stop seeing you as housekeeper and Nanny.

I don't mean to sound preachy or profess to have the answers, but you do sound a bit worn out in your posts and it would be awful to carry on like that.

[Joysmum]

This is where I'm lucky. I've been through the stage of telling DH that I needed a day off. I made sure he took a day off and I left him to it then pointed out everything he hadn't done. 'Nough said, he soon appreciated me more.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

"I doubt this is about a knife. Is he wondering why you haven't found a job yet/ why you are "messing about" doing the voluntary work? Is he thinking that currently you are in the worse of 2 worlds - you are neither staying on top of the house stuff, or doing a paid job?"

I agree. Imagine its the other way round OP and you were working full time whilst he did he all day free and did little housework and had made no effort at applying for jobs. Would you be happy?

The IVF will make things more stressful, if you are unsure about it you could put it on hold. Then you could take a job and be entitled to maternity leave. The volunteering is great but if you plan to get pregnany you will just have another gap on your cv and no maternity pay.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Imagine its the other way round OP and you were working full time whilst he did he all day free and did little housework and had made no effort at applying for jobs.

But that isn't the other way round at all. It's completely different. OP volunteers for half the week and had done a great deal of housework, just not that one particular thing. She is only not applying for jobs right now because of the IVF, which he wanted, but he cannot do for very sound physical reasons, so she is the one who has to do the appointments and the feeling sick and therefore pretty much has to be the one who is not going all-out to find a job. That is not having all day free and making no effort!

[Comeatmefam]

Feel for you - that was really an unhelpful and infuriating comment.

Totally see how you are 'stuck'.

I must say I've come to the conclusion, after many years of MN-ing and RL observation, that it is a mistake for women to give up their jobs/careers entirely after having a baby.

If you don't want to work FT, it's so important to keep some work on for a day or two a week or in some other minority capacity if at all possible.

I've seen too many women left high and dry in a variety of ways after putting their careers on ice for 4/5 years - selfish/financially abusive men withholding money or unfairly distributing money during marriages or post split, imbalance of chores etc and moreover women not able to get back into their fields and going round in circles re-training/volunteering but not being able to afford childcare to do so.

SAH parenting is obviously a hugely valid choice it can leave you in a vulnerable and frustrating position.

[mummymoppet]

My Ex partner said this all the time when I was at home, looking after his diabetic mother and disabled Nan, keeping the home, raising our baby too, if he came home and it wasn't spotless I would get a mouthful and worse. Some men just seem to believe they could do better they will not understand you do not get a break as a mum, that you are up all day and night when they are young and constantly kept busy yet if they ever have to handle one of your rresponsibilities for an hour they moan like hell. I left my disrespectful nasty ex for this and numerous other reasons (not that you should there were a lot of reasons including domestic violence) but ny point is I met someone else who does more for my child and is more of a father than my ex was, who gets in from work every day and asks how my day was, then listens thanks me for all the work I have done often remarks he has no idea how I do it and helps me with any remaining tasks and plays with my daughter, we are now expecting a second and he won't let me lift a finger when he is here. My point is I think you have every right to believe he is being unreasonable as if he took the time to listen and understand all you do he would not make such comments, my hubby knows he comes home to a clean house, dinner cooking, his washing done and put away, the dogs walked and a happy little princess because of all I do, and if everything isn't done he understands.

[dreamingbohemian]

I'm sorry but I think you would be insane to proceed with the IVF

Your husband treats you like a skivvy, has no respect for the work you do, and does his own thing all weekend. Why does he even want another child when he doesn't spend any time with the one he has? That's madness.

You don't want the IVF and by having another child you would just be making yourself more and more vulnerable to a man who doesn't respect you. I'm sorry but I think it would be quite a dangerous thing to do.

[GarthsUncle]

You are entitled to equal amounts of leisure time. At the moment he is taking all the leisure time at weekends. Why does he feel he is worth more than you?

[Caitlin17]

I will put on flame retardant clothes but I do wonder what SAHMs of school age children do do all day.

I've always worked full time. I don't have a cleaner now but when I did 3.5 hours a week took care of it and even less now we do it ourselves. Food shopping ? About an hour once a week.

However why on earth are you putting yourself through IVF if you don't want to.

[Misspixietrix]

YNBU. I would be sitting him down and telling him EXACTLY what it is you do all day.

[GarthsUncle]

Caitlin, the OP works 3.5 days a week (volunteering) and was only in the house 45 mins on thu. So Friday she did a lot of chores.

If the dishwasher hadn't been on in the morning, it may have been only filled up after dinner the night before ie when DH was presumably around...

OP, sorry you were so ill with the IVF - a friend of mind was the same a few years ago, she wanted a baby for years but her health was very much affected to the extent she stopped for a while. It certainly didn't mean she didn't want a child.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

"I will put on flame retardant clothes but I do wonder what SAHMs of school age children do do all day"

Do you have a spare set Always wondered that myself, housework takes a few hours a week, admin an hour a month max and food shopping as and when. Thousands do that on top of a job. I cant imagine letting DH shoulder all the financial responsibility whilst I did very little.

No doubt they will all be volunteeing as seems the standard response yet our governors, PTA and school helpers are all made up of working parents. Not one is a SAHP.

[hickorychicken]

I was a sahp for a while and was so bored, after housework, kids packed off to school etc and food prepped theres not much to do IMO. Much prefer my situation now.
I am on mat leave atm and can honestly say i will have a very leisurely week ahead of me.

Shall i hide now?

[mummymoppet]

To be fair, I was planning on returning to work the second my LO went to school, then the surprise pregnancy struck so I am rethinking at present. I haven't been a SAHM to a school age child but before school age I know there are a million and one jobs to keep you busy all day, and not all of them can stop when they are sschool age, a part time job would leave plenty of time to do all you need to I imagine :)

[complexnumber]

YANBU - menfolk can be self-entitled idiots.

And 'womenfolk' are what?

[Viviennemary]

I'm afraid I agree with Caitlin17 up to a point. Because the person at home should be doing the bulk of the housework especially when the youngest child is a school. Sorry but I think it's equally entitled to think a person has the right not to earn anything.

[Tiredemma]

When DD was just a couple of weeks old I woke up one morning just as DP was about to go out to work and said "I wish I could just stay in bed all day"
he replied "you can cant you- you have nothing to do all day"

The following Saturday I left him alone with DD from 9am until 4pm on the afternoon- he changed his tune.

[GarthsUncle]

Happymummy and Vivienne - the OP is volunteering to improve her CV before applying for a paid job.