To be pissed off with dh's comment 'I don't know what you do all day'

[Moonfacesmother]

In a slightly complicated situation at the moment.
I've been a sahm since ds was born and he started school full time after christmas. Because I've been out of work for 4 and a half years I've been volunteering three and a half days a week to try and get myself some current experience and references. In addition to this we are currently undergoing rounds of ivf (first unsuccessful cycle last month trying again next month) which makes it quite tricky to find a permanent job when I will need time off and will not be able to explain why to a new employer.

This morning the dishwasher hadn't been on and dh needed a knife. I came and washed him one after hearing his loud dramatic sighs and he said 'honestly I don't know what you do all day.'

Monday to Wednesday I volunteer until it's time to fetch ds from school, Thursday I am home about 2ish and fetch ds at quarter to three. Yesterday I cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed, ironed and did the food shop.

Aibu to be pissed off? He could have quite easily put the dishwasher on himself last night, it's not rocket science. I just hasn't noticed how full it was.

[chocolatemademefat]

Put your feet up and stop doing the things you normally do. Then when he realises there's no cleanie genie doing everything while you're lazing around he might see sense and apologise. He needs better training.

[NobodyLivesHere]

My ex used to make comments like this. I was at home looking after 3 (school age) children with a chronic health condition and volunteering at my local women's aid shelter 2/3 days a week. Yet he felt it acceptable to come home and have a tantrum complain if I hadn't washed the dishes or if I hadn't hoovered twice he's obsessive as well a dick. So I left him.

Honestly OP he is taking the piss, it was a knife, if your house was knee deep in filth then maybe he'd have a point, but unless he's never forgotten anything in his life then he needs to wind his neck in.

On the IVF side you have my deepest sympathy, it sounds like hell on earth and I can totally understand why you feel reluctant to put yourself through it again. You need to have long think about what YOU want at this point. Good luck whatever you decide x

[RandomMess]

I think you did very well not to lamp your dh around the head with the nearest object!!!

Running a house/family etc takes time and effort - I don't see you getting equal leisure time in your current arrangement...

[redskyatnight]

I think the problem is the voluntary work. Does DH support/understand that this is a stepping stone towards getting a paid job? If he doesn't he may well see the 3.5 days of volunteering as OP's "hobby" .

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

Agree with welsh moth as otherwise you are the cleaner not his wife or equal.

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

A house with kid/s is a lot of work. So is working. So is juggling the two. The bins hoovering dishwasher wiping kitchen/bathroom are obvious. But that really touches just the surface. It's the unseen jobs and the "I'll leave it for x/x'll do it" that drive people to murder.

Today for instance dd2 (1) pulled a line of books off the shelf at about 10am. Dh ignored them all day. He told me about it when I got back with dd2 (3) at 1pm. Walked round them over them and even through them. They were by the patio doors, it's hard to get out without seeing them. He didn't pick one up. At five pm I picked them up and asked why he hadn't. He looked completely blank then said got arsy. Now either he didn't see them, they didn't register or he had mentally decided it was my job as baby did it. By his reaction it was definitely the last.

He had it coming. He had it coming... (I love that song from Chicago! It's very very fucking accurate)

[alemci]

their mothers expat . he never had to anything and I suspect his dad was the same.

[WelshMoth]

You are entitled to "me" time OP - I think that's the issue here.

You need to take that time for yourself and by sheer virtue of doing that, your DH's response will certainly show him for what he really is. If he's unwilling, or put-out or dramatically sighing in any way shape or form, then he is absolutely thinking that you are the skivvy, and he is the only one deserving of "me" time.

You need to challenge that OP, you really do.

[ikeaismylocal]

Why is this man who doesn't share the childcare, spends his weekends doing his hobby having a lie in and going to the gym so keen to have another child?

Yanbu his comment was rude.

[expatinscotland]

I'd stop the IVF right now, job search and make plans to leave this person.

[expatinscotland]

Why put up people who treat you like this? Wanting their fucking hot dinner sat on the table like something out of the 1950s and moan about a few plates?! I'd have dumped someone like that at the dating stage, not procreated with them. Where do you meet people like this? My 5-year-old son tries that on me he gets punished.

[bishbashboosh]

I think the freedom thing is horrendous nothing worse than feeling you're in prison and then not getting the support.

I think you needs break and he needs to bloody know the strain of ivf !!! Can you calm down and organise a sensible discussion where yoh tell him how you feel?

[expatinscotland]

Who wiped the arses of all these cavemen before they foisted it all onto their wife or partner?

[alemci]

my dh is like that. Don't work fri but was busy doing housework then saw friend, then big shop then made dinner,

I cooked a nice curry and he moaned because I had the audacity to leave some washing up and the rice boiled over as I went to the loo and then folded some washing and got distracted,

sympathy to you op

[OnlyLovers]

I have to ask again, OP: do YOU get any time at the weekends or other times to pursue hobbies or stay in bed late? If not why not? and does your DH not want to spend time with his family at the weekends? If not why not?

[Caitlin17]

The issue with the IVF seems to me the most serious one. That sounds awful and OP of course should not be pressurised into it.

[shebird]

Sounds like there are underlying issues with the OP and her DH - OP not happy about more IVF and DH probably feeling resentment at being the sole breadwinner.

[Moonfacesmother]

And since he doesn't share the childcare I don't get very much time at all to myself. It's not hard work being at home with ds but it doesn't give me much freedom.

[Moonfacesmother]

I actually volunteer three and a half days. Not two.

And I appreciate that it is not the same as a proper job. I don't expect dh to do anything much at home. However I don't expect him, on a Saturday morning, to notice the dishwasher needs putting on and not do it because it's 'my job.' Which is kind of how it felt. If it had been cooking, ironing etc then fair enough but it's a two second job. Normal I do it, it's true. I just hadn't thought about it last night.

[Caitlin17]

I really don't buy running a house is a full time job. You might make it one but plenty of people have full time Jobs and don't live in chaos.

Volunteer work 2 days a week is not the same as full time paid employment. If a couple have arranged their lives that one works full time out of the house in paid employment and the other stays at home and runs the house I think it's really completely unreasonable for the person at home to expect the person who works out of the home to do house work. Sharing childcare at the weekend yes, but if your job is "running the home" then do it- why should you expect the other person to help out with your "job"

I have huge sympathy with the OP on feeling unhappy about the IVF treatment she doesn't want to have but not on the other issues.

Do SAHM partners who expect their partners to still do housework help out at the office/factory/ building site?

[squeakytoy]

"If a home is run properly it takes time."

Are we talking about an average 3 bedroom semi or Downton Abbey..

My mum was a SAHM, and did all the cooking, cleaning etc.. she still found plenty of time to go out with her friends in the day time.. and our house was spotless, meals always on the table and all "admin" done..

I have many friends who have babies and toddlers, and they still find time every day to go to the park, meet up in Starbucks, go to the gym/hairdressers etc.. none of them ever complain about not having enough hours in the day to get their housework done.

[parkin2010]

respectfully redecorating entire house and volunteering does justify what you do. That is working. Perhaps why this grates on me so much is because of the amount of people around me in real life who state simply cleaning and housework is what they do "full time" all day yet I have yet to hear any full-time working household hiring a cleaner for 25-30 hours per week as a necessity. Unless I read your comment incorrectly you sounded like you were stating you just cleaned all day.

[Feminine]

I suppose l take my role in the home quite seriously. I remember when I worked that lots of things went astray. I am not just talking about cleaning!

[Feminine]

Oh I understand the Cleaning feeling. I mix all other household stuff in that mix. At the moment I am decorating the whole house. When that is finished, it will be garden/yard stuff. My husband and works in a manual job... He is very busy in the house also, but is understandably exhausted at the end of the day. I volunteer one day a week in my daughter's class.

[parkin2010]

thats because it is- sorry but that would be my honest reaction if someone told me a house took all day to clean each weekday. A house is spotless if it has a deep clean one day per week plus an hour per day. Thats not about standards, anyone with eyes can see dirt, grime and dust and know ironing needs doing. Unless your family don't pick a thing up after themselves when they are at home or you own a mansion stating it is a full time job mad in my opinion. If you have a toddler or baby at home then that is a totally different kettle of fish! for what its worth,the OP sounds like she works v hard.