To be pissed off with dh's comment 'I don't know what you do all day'

[Moonfacesmother]

In a slightly complicated situation at the moment.
I've been a sahm since ds was born and he started school full time after christmas. Because I've been out of work for 4 and a half years I've been volunteering three and a half days a week to try and get myself some current experience and references. In addition to this we are currently undergoing rounds of ivf (first unsuccessful cycle last month trying again next month) which makes it quite tricky to find a permanent job when I will need time off and will not be able to explain why to a new employer.

This morning the dishwasher hadn't been on and dh needed a knife. I came and washed him one after hearing his loud dramatic sighs and he said 'honestly I don't know what you do all day.'

Monday to Wednesday I volunteer until it's time to fetch ds from school, Thursday I am home about 2ish and fetch ds at quarter to three. Yesterday I cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed, ironed and did the food shop.

Aibu to be pissed off? He could have quite easily put the dishwasher on himself last night, it's not rocket science. I just hasn't noticed how full it was.

[JohnCusacksWife]

I have 2 school age DCs and work 3 days a week. Of my two days at home one day is spent food shopping, washing, ironing, tidying & cleaning to get the house straight for the week ahead. The other day is "my" day - I might go for a run, a big walk, shopping, coffees, watch TV, read etc etc. It's lovely but I'd feel guilty doing that every day.

Have no idea how you would fill your time if you were at home 5 days a week....

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

There's a simple answer, book a holiday alone or with a friend for a few days. He also is at home. Day one he will do fuxk all but by day three he will start to wonder where clean clothes, mugs, plates etc are. He will beg you back by day five.

Or just reorg whose doing what

[FabBakerGirl]

Maybe those people who imply SAHM with kids at school have hours free every day have very low standards

[yourlittlesecret]

Do this

[Coumarin]

Christ on a bike! The op has had ivf ONE month ago! Have any of you any idea of how shit she's feeling right now?

I have had ivf 5 times. After handing over £££ and being poked and prodded you start by injecting yourself twice a day with drugs that make your ovaries feel like they're about to explode and cause sickness, headaches, anxiety, mood swings and depression. Whilst doing that you are also being internally scanned every other day leading up to having a painful operation under sedation which hurts like hell but the drugs give you memory loss so you don't remember the agony. So that's ok. Then there's the two week wait where you daren't even sneeze for fear of damaging the chances. Oh and the pessaries you stuff up yourself twice a day that leave you looking 3 months pregnant, give you crippling migraines, acne that doesn't clear up for months and again, mood swings. If that sounds melodramatic it really isn't. That doesn't even scratch the surface of all the stuff your body and mind goes through.

Then you take a test and it says it's positive. Yay right? Wrong. You now have to wait another two weeks for a scan to see if the pregnancy is actually viable or a chemical one or a missed miscarriage. They never tell you that bit so your heart starts filling with love and joy only to be crushed when they say, actually no you're not pregnant after all.

If you're lucky it'll be negative so you won't have to go through that bit. If you're even luckier it'll stay positive and it'll have been worth it and that's the reason anyone does it. For that 1 in 5 chance. That 25% chance, if you're young healthy etc. Or 5% chance if you're not. It's a chance.

And then there's the drug withdrawal symptoms. Similar to above but add insomnia, d&v and panic attacks to it.

Once that's calmed down you have the emotional fall out to deal with.

Then when you eventually start feeling human again you are expected to 'just try again'

So. Is it any wonder that she doesn't feel like trying it again mere weeks after that little lot? The op isn't saying she doesn't want a child or to ever do ivf again. She just wants time to gather the pieces of herself up and put things back together again. Give her a bloody break.

So yes, her DP should've washed the bloody knife himself.

Yanbu.

[hickorychicken]

Low standards of what?

[Feminine]

I agree with you fab

I'm fed up with the assumption that SAHM's have a whole day to piss about.

If a home is run properly it takes time.

Not all day, granted, but it is a job in itself.

I've worked (when I had reliable) child care also.

most women work hard, wherever they might be situated in the day.

[bishbashboosh]

I would have been fuming and offended too.

Tell him you lie very still all day to recharge as it takes so much energy out if you having to live with such a kn*b

[GarthsUncle]

Great post coumarin.

[JohnCusacksWife]

If a home is run properly it takes time.

Of course it does....just not 5 days a week, though!

[Feminine]

Says who John eh? I have to do housework all week. Not just sometimes.

I also spend time with it at W/ends also.

I'm on top of things. I can imagine if I had to work outside the home, I'd never catch up. to my standards

[bishbashboosh]

I can't understand people who let housework rule their life

Just saying

[whatever5]

I would be infuriated by that comment as well. The fact that you're not being paid at the moment is irrelevant. You spend your time volunteering so that you can get a paid job in the future. You're not his skivvy and he should be able to wash a knife.

Unfortunately his attitude will probably only improve once you do go back to work and he has to start contributing to housework and spend less time on hobbies at the weekend. My friend's DH's attitude totally changed when she did that for a few months.

[JohnCusacksWife]

Feminine, well, if it takes you 5 days full time to clean your house then you're either doing it wrong or you're looking for things to fill your time. As long as it works for you though.

[Comeatmefam]

Feminine - my home is run 'properly' and I work FT and my dh PT - and no we don't have a nanny, or an au pair, or a cleaner or any outside help.

So I do quibble with that.

BUT I do feel furious on behalf of SAH parents who are criticised and challenged on what they do especially if by their own spouses! Of course it is a very busy, full on role, taking care of kids and a house.

[Feminine]

John no I don't do it wrong nor do I spend all day grafting.

But...I do spend a fair chunk of my day (during the week) on chores!

[differentnameforthis]

He does the 'loud melodramatic sighing' because he knows you will go running to sort it all out for him, because he 1] thinks that it you job 2] is a lazy arse.

Stop doing everything for him when he does that & the sighing will eventually stop.

[OnlyLovers]

YANBU to be pissed off but YABU to wash the knife for him . Is he 5?

Stop doing all the things you do so he can see exactly what you usually do all day. Spend a weekend staying bed late and going and doing your hobbies.

He's being a tosser.

[bishbashboosh]

I think most people don't notice they're doing chores as you do everything as you go along as a daily routine or fact of life, u a quick wipe of the bathroom when you go for a wee or put the washing up away if you have 3 spare minutes before leaving the house, or putting washing g away while the kids are In the bath

Designated housework time would make me want to stick pins in my eyes

[Feminine]

bish I work around the home like that. I guess as I am at home more,I just find myself doing it more often? I certainly don't have an organised plan! :-)

[expatinscotland]

I will never understand people who do this.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Do I tolerate it?

Not really, but it does make me feel a bit guilty. However I try not to feel guilty. I'm an adult, if I want to spend a day a week sat on my arse I will do. He can get the Hoover out if he's that aghast at the state of the house.

[parkin2010]

bollocks a house takes all day to run!!! I dont want to get anyone upset, but if your kids are in school all day and you are fit and well then thats just justifying your existance. How on earth do people in full-time jobs manage if that's the case? Volunteer work etc is as valid as paid work.

[Feminine]

parkin I don't want to get anyone upset

Don't you?

[hickorychicken]

Agreed Parkin.
I find it so enfuriating when one partner will work a 60 hour week in a really stressful job and be told they have it easier than the other person.