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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dh's comment 'I don't know what you do all day'

133 replies

Moonfacesmother · 08/03/2014 07:54

In a slightly complicated situation at the moment.
I've been a sahm since ds was born and he started school full time after christmas. Because I've been out of work for 4 and a half years I've been volunteering three and a half days a week to try and get myself some current experience and references. In addition to this we are currently undergoing rounds of ivf (first unsuccessful cycle last month trying again next month) which makes it quite tricky to find a permanent job when I will need time off and will not be able to explain why to a new employer.

This morning the dishwasher hadn't been on and dh needed a knife. I came and washed him one after hearing his loud dramatic sighs and he said 'honestly I don't know what you do all day.'

Monday to Wednesday I volunteer until it's time to fetch ds from school, Thursday I am home about 2ish and fetch ds at quarter to three. Yesterday I cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed, ironed and did the food shop.

Aibu to be pissed off? He could have quite easily put the dishwasher on himself last night, it's not rocket science. I just hasn't noticed how full it was.

OP posts:
FabBakerGirl · 08/03/2014 08:47

And do you tolerate that, Viva?

mumteedum · 08/03/2014 08:49

My dh is also entitled idiot as op put it. It's not the doing stuff that's the issue. It's the lack of respect and support.

You sound a bit worn down to me. You need to be sure how you feel and what you want. You can't put yourself through more ivf if it isn't what you want. Please think hard about it. Talk it through with a rl friend.

Good luck with the job hunt. Doing something out of house will probably do you power of good.

SomethingkindaOod · 08/03/2014 08:52

I've told this before but DH said similar to me a long time ago. He was used to his mum doing everything for him and his brothers so it was quite a shock for him when he realised that living with me was a different experience.
I told him exactly what I did, in writing, in flow chart format which went on for pages of A4. From when I got up to when I went to bed I documented everything and included the fact that he got up an hour after me.
He never asked me again.

mumteedum · 08/03/2014 08:56

Grin something - excellent!

YouStayClassySanDiego · 08/03/2014 08:57

Have you told him you don't want IVF?

If so and he's persuaded you to go ahead despite your reservations you might have bigger issues to resolve.

Him sniping at you over a dirty knife and snidily asking what you do during the day smacks of tension between the pair of you.

eurochick · 08/03/2014 09:05

Stop pandering to the twat. He can wash his own bloody cutlery.

You could also go on strike for a day. There was a cartoon doing the rounds on facebook a while ago (can't find it now) of a man coming how to a house that looked like it had been burgled with the caption "you know you ask what I do all day? Well today I didn't do it".

More seriously, please don't do the second round of IVF unless and until you feel ready. It's gruelling for the woman (all he has to do is wank in a flipping pot). There is a lot of support over in Conception if you want it, if and when you decide you are ready to try again. x

RiverTam · 08/03/2014 09:06

I'm struggling to understand why you would want another child with this man, to be honest - he isn't with his son ALL WEEKEND? Wow, how great that must make your DS feel. Why on earth don't you ever say, 'I'm off to do x this Sunday, so you're in charge' and take yourself off?

He sounds like an arse, but you have been enabling this, I'm afraid.

I would stop the IVF right now, tbh.

NearTheWindymill · 08/03/2014 09:07

I'm a bit on the fence to be honest. My DH works 70+ hours a week and I work full-time 40+ hours a week. We have two teenage children (one of whom admittedly has left home but I used to be tied to school hours). The home is entirely my responsibility. DH does bins, garden, outside wiping and sweeping. If I am honest - I want to say well why wasn't the dishwasher sorted? Mine always is.

What I do think is unreasonable is that you are doing IVF when you don't want to. I think that needs to go and you need to get a job and chill and let nature take its course. I hope you are paying for it yourselves if one of you isn't committed to having IVF and/or another child. Now that really does make my blood boil.

mumteedum · 08/03/2014 09:08

Just realised blinking auto correct put op not pp. Wasn't op who said entitled idiot, (though she should!)

Original poster
Moonfacesmother · 08/03/2014 09:08

Don't worry we are financing each £7k treatment ourselves. Thanks for your support.

OP posts:
MarianForrester · 08/03/2014 09:10

Not much to add, except that if I were you I would apply for jobs and just be honest at the interview stage if you will need time if for treatment. Not all employers will immediately write you off, and will appreciate your honesty.

This is not just pie in the sky,I know places where this would be fine. Sadly, we do live in sticks so can't help with actual jobSmile

MarshaBrady · 08/03/2014 09:11

I really feel for you. A friend found it tough to have a school aged child and go through IVF. Her life felt on hold.

IVF is so tough emotionally your dh should be more understanding not griping about what you do all day.

mumteedum · 08/03/2014 09:11

The difference is, nearthewindy, does your dh talk down to you or respect your role? It's not the stuff as I say, it's the attitude. She's meant to be his wife not his housekeeper.

sunbathe · 08/03/2014 09:16

Moonface - if dh has every Saturday for his hobby, can't you take Sunday as your day?

At least sometimes?

redskyatnight · 08/03/2014 09:23

I doubt this is about a knife. Is he wondering why you haven't found a job yet/ why you are "messing about" doing the voluntary work? Is he thinking that currently you are in the worse of 2 worlds - you are neither staying on top of the house stuff, or doing a paid job?

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2014 09:31

It's easy to show him what you do all day (home-wise). Stop doing it. Do the minimum you have to for you and your DC. That should wake him up.

But you do need to have a heart-to-heart about the IVF. It's a very stressful process to go through so that may be exacerbating how you are with each other at home. Not to mention the hormone treatment on your body and emotions. If you're really not sure about it (however much you want another child) you need to be open about that.

Original poster
Moonfacesmother · 08/03/2014 09:37

I don't know redsky.

It's not that I don't want another child, I'd love one, it's that I was so ill last time through the ivf cycle that it's scared me. Dh wants to try again so he's going to have to appreciate that it's going to be very difficult for me to work until it's over. I am a teacher so think it unlikely that any employer would take me on knowing that I will want a lot if time off. In addition to this I found the whole thing emotionally draining. So I don't like the inference near that simply because I'm not jumping back into an ivf cycle which probably won't work then I don't deserve another baby.

We spoke about the best thing to do and he agreed that the best thing to do was keep up volunteering and wait to see what the outcome is. It will probably fail because let's face it the odds are heavily stacked against you when you have ivf and then I will look for a job.

Maybe it was just a throw away comment. It just annoyed me. Forgetting to put the dishwasher on is hardly the end of the world. He got back last night to a tidy and clean house and a cooked meal. I don't know what more he wants from me.

OP posts:
PorkPieandPickle · 08/03/2014 09:40

Did you used to snap at each other like this? DH and I fought like cat and dogm sometimes hroughout IVF. The drugs made me hormonal, and DH struggled to cope with the whole thing. The prospect of a second round is worse because you know what to expect. IVF tears couples apart- I think this is not about the knife or the dishwasher- you need to sit down and talk honestly.

Original poster
Moonfacesmother · 08/03/2014 09:46

Well he expected the first round to work so he was more stunned than me when it didn't. I didn't expect it to so was much less upset.

I think that's why he wants an immediate second round, he thinks if we keep trying it's bound to work at some point. I am more realistic and know some women have five, six, seven treatments without success. It's £7k each time and it's not a lot of fun. I don't want to keep going forever. And I don't feel that it will work so I'm going into it basically feeling it's futile.

He thinks I'm pessimistic, I think I'm realistic.

OP posts:
Silverfoxballs · 08/03/2014 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justanuthermanicmumsday · 08/03/2014 09:53

I've come to the conclusion that all men even the so called modern men have this attitude towards women. Domestic work is the primarily the woman's job. If I need to eat it should be ready. If I need clothes it should be ironed, I caveman.

Or maybe I've become a bitch over the years. I remember a while back rice was almost done give it five mins it would have been. I had forgotten to pop cooker on earlier. but he came in from work, all moody started eating a piece of bread slamming things. I said I'm sorry I forgot but it's nearly done why not wait. he went on about how he has a hard day at work, and no food ready when home. the food is always ready except that one day.

I had spent all morning cooking 3 dishes, and I was now feeding my children dinner, I guess I don't do nothing but put my feet up?I resent men. Given a second chance in life I would not have got married. Love my husband, but love is not enough when things like this mount up. Sounds petty but I see relationships breaking up over it a lot.

I wouldn't come down for the knife never ever do that again, let him have a strop. If it's such a tiny job why didn't he put the dishwasher on?same in my house I always put dishwasher on, do laundry, do bathrooms,,do cooking from scratch, I do it all. They complain when it's not done hell with them.

To woman who said honestly just pop tablet in why wasn't dishwasher on. Well we are humans and we are fallible, sometimes we forget. It's not the biggest deal. Her partner made a mountain out of a molehill. He should have got his lazy ass up and washed the knife or eaten with his hands as I do, I'm south asian it's norm. Not norm for him, but heck if you can't clean it don't use it!

Rant over

NearTheWindymill · 08/03/2014 09:59

You are the one saying you don't want to do the IVF and if that is the case then I think you need to talk and think long and hard about doing it. If you really really desperately wanted another baby; if it ate at your heart like no other hurt then you would have no hesitation, in my opinion, however it made you feel.

Original poster
Moonfacesmother · 08/03/2014 10:03

That's not true.
The odds are about 1 in 5. You have to stack that against the physical, emotional and actual momentary cost.

It made me unwell. If anything happened to me ds wouldn't have a mother. It feels selfish to pursue something which affects ds's quality of life (less savings, unwell mother, stressed parents).

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonfacesmother · 08/03/2014 10:04

If the odds were better it may well be different.
If I didn't feel instinctively that it won't work it might be different.

Trust me, not being able to get pregnant breaks my heart.

OP posts:
NearTheWindymill · 08/03/2014 10:12

If you don't want to do the IVF don't do it but get a proper job so at the end of the day there is something tangible to show from the situation you are in.

It sounds as though you are in an unhappy no man's land of indecision and uncertainty. There's only one way to deal with that and that's to make a decision. Now that decision could be a full time job and let nature take its course; a part time job (even if it's in a supermarket) and carry on with the IVF and at least then you'd be able to treat yourselves every time it didn't work or you throw yourself into the IVF and go hell for leather for it but I think that would be the silliest thing to do because that way you might give it everything and come out with nothing. I could do a lot with £28,000.