Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

to feel a bit sad I'll never be a mum

160 replies

childlesspeaceandquiet · 06/03/2014 19:09

I'd have loved my own family but am 40 this year and am making my peace with a child-free life. More money and spoilt cats

But when I see cute world book day costumes (sob!) and at other times, I do feel so sad for the babies I won't hold.

I'm not being U, am I?

OP posts:

fuzerelli · 07/03/2014 00:59

oh OP, my heart goes out to you and to the posters on this thread such as coumarin struggling with infertility.

I read once on another discussion board that when given a devastating diagnosis of almost certain infertility, the best advice is to never discuss it with anybody who hasn't been through the same, no matter how close they are to you as the most well meaning people will get it so wrong. The same applies in your situation.

YANBU, and you have every right to be more than "a bit sad". Though life will go on, and you will have joy and meaning in your life, right now if you need to focus on grieving the life you had hoped for, then that is what you must do.

thank you to scottishmummy, AF, devora, kewcumber for your thoughtful posts.

chrome100 · 07/03/2014 06:45

I hugely disagree with the poster above who said society defines women by their status as mothers. Not in my experience.

I'm childless (by choice) and have what I consider to be a full and interesting life. I have a plethora of women friends of all ages, from 20 to 70, some with kids and some not and do you know what? They are all interesting too. If "all" that you become when you have children is a "mother" you are doing something wrong.

Mumof3xx · 07/03/2014 06:47

Yanbu

It must be very difficult to be unable to do something which so many others do without much thought

ithaka · 07/03/2014 07:32

The OP is not unable to do something - her life has just not progressed in a way that has meant having children.

OP, I completely understand you. If my DH had not wanted children, I may not have had them. For me, falling in love with a man came first & children progressed from that. I don't think I would have children if I wasn't in love with someone I wanted to have children with.

This is not to critisize women who choose to be single parents, but not all women want children at all costs.

OP, at your age you will no doubt be working through a process and coming out the other end. You sound so grounded and sensible, I am hope you will have a fantastic life and find peace with any lingering regrets.

drspouse · 07/03/2014 16:37

childless and kewcumber my DH is as you describe, quiet and doesn't really like his life on show. I think he's partly been able to cope with the adoption process because I've been there, though it does mean I now have a lot of practice biting my tongue and saying "what do you think?" "what was it you were saying about..."

Pollyputthekettle · 07/03/2014 18:45

YANBU at all to feel this world. It must be a very painful place to be.

To the well meaning posters - Be an Honoury auntie, have IVF, have a one night stand, foster/adopt.

STFU and have some sensitivity.

Idiots

Schmoozer · 07/03/2014 19:30

I second scottish mummys position here,
Coumarin and shadows - I've been there too. It stinks.

OP - I admire your stance. It sounds like you are attempting to make peace with the situation you are within. best wishes .

rabbitlady · 07/03/2014 20:03

not unreasonable to be sad. if isn't to be, might as well be at peace with that. but i send you virtual hugs from a stranger.

scottishmummy · 07/03/2014 20:34

Op,is so patient,explaining she doesn't want to foster/adopt/Ivf or get knocked up by stranger
Some of you need to get a serious grip that you so glibly suggest all of above
It's wholly possible to have an ache fir what wasn't but still be fulfilled and happy life/career

frumpet · 07/03/2014 21:02

OP , i have never been through what you are going through now . I would say that being a single parent isn't a wholly negative experience , in all honesty i have found having children whilst being married as hard work as when i was on my own . Much as i would like to think that feminism has worked its magic , if you give birth ( or adopt etc) then i would say the lion's share of the work still falls to the women . I completely expect to be shot down in flames by people with enlightened partners , and indeed hope i will , as it gives me hope for my daughters generation .
You sound like a truly lovely person and i sincerely hope everything works out for you in whatever way .

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7