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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit sad I'll never be a mum

160 replies

childlesspeaceandquiet · 06/03/2014 19:09

I'd have loved my own family but am 40 this year and am making my peace with a child-free life. More money and spoilt cats Grin

But when I see cute world book day costumes (sob!) and at other times, I do feel so sad for the babies I won't hold.

I'm not being U, am I?

OP posts:
ithaka · 06/03/2014 20:50

YANBU, but being a mum isn't the be all & end all. I probably wouldn't have had children if my DH wasn't so keen. Obviously, they are wonderful, but I have lost a child, so in many ways I see them as a blessing & a curse. I always have a draining low level of fear about my surviving children.

In another parallel life, I could have stayed childless and still have been enormously fulfilled & happy and I would have experienced a lot less sorrow & fear. So you have missed some blessings, but you have gained others. Plus, you have lots of cats - sounds pretty good to me.

ilovewoody · 06/03/2014 20:51

With the greatest of respect to the OP things like "if you want a child just have one" or " having children isn't easy so maybe you are better off not having them" or words to that effect are not very helpful x

Original poster
childlesspeaceandquiet · 06/03/2014 20:53

Hey, I only have 2 cats!

OP posts:
Retrofairy · 06/03/2014 20:53

I'm with Scottish mummy on this one. Yes, the obstacles are not insurmountable but the OP is 40 and for many people that is too late biologically. The other options being mentioned are gruelling and uncertain. So OP of course you are not unreasonable, and if it is something that you need to grieve for that is totally understandable. I hope you find a way through it.

ilovewoody · 06/03/2014 20:55

Well said retrofairy

scottishmummy · 06/03/2014 20:57

It's simply not true to say if you wanted a baby you could have one
It's dreadful advice

lljkk · 06/03/2014 20:57

We all pine for things we didn't get.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/03/2014 20:58

OP

You are the only one who knows is right for you. It's natural for you to think about what might have been - we all do it. Being a parent or being childfree is only an aspect of who you are not the whole person.

Sillyshell · 06/03/2014 20:59

As someone who is possibly coming to the end of my own fertility journey, I just wanted you to know my heart goes out to you. Over the last few weeks I have been doing a lot of soul searching and am trying to come to terms with the fact that it's not going to happen. It does feel like someone has ripped out your heart at times. It's a grieving process op, you need to try and work through it and come out the other side.

justmyview · 06/03/2014 21:00

A friend of mine met her partner & he had children already. No problems with ex wife. She gets on well with his children. In some ways she feels she hit the jackpot. All the fun stuff at weekends, less of the homework
& chores. In due course she hopes to be a granny. She acknowledges it's not the same as having her own children, but she's still excited about that. Any partner you meet over aged 40 is quite likely to have children

tholeon · 06/03/2014 21:01

Yanbu to be very sad about this and to grieve. You would b u if you let this sadness take over your life, and take all joy away from it. But you won't, you sound far too reflective and rational and grounded for that. It is a terribly sad thing, to want children and not have them. But it is also a space and an opportunity.

x2boys · 06/03/2014 21:06

op do you have nieces and nephews often women who don't have their own children get very close to nieces and nephews my auntie is in her mid 70,s she never married or had children but is very close to some of her nieces and nephews we never lived near her so were never that close but the rest of my dads brothers and sisters did and she plays a major part in their life my cousin is about 45 and has never married or had children and again she is very close to her nieces and nephews its not the same but my auntie has had a vey happy life and has never seemed to miss out?

EverythingCounts · 06/03/2014 21:07

YANBU of course. I agree with justmyview - you might meet someone who already has children and be a maternal figure in their lives, if not a mother. But I think you're handling the need to accept that something you really want won't happen, or certainly not in the way you want it, really well.

Original poster
childlesspeaceandquiet · 06/03/2014 21:08

I am an only child due I think to my mothers early death so am not an aunt.

Plus, while it is lovely being an aunt, or knowing friends children, or step children, it isn't the same as your own, it really isn't.

OP posts:
maddening · 06/03/2014 21:08

if it were me I think I would have gone down the sperm donor route if I had friends and family that would support me and my baby. Obviously it's ideal to have a partner who is supportive to go through it with but it isn't necessary - lots of women (and men) parent alone so I personally would just say fuck it and give it a blast.

but I totally understand how you feel and if it isn't an option for YOU then getting your head into a place of acceptance is a good thing - so plan for your life as an international woman of good times unencumbered with dc -are there things you can plan to do - you never know that getting out there are busy with interests etc might lead to anywhere!

x2boys · 06/03/2014 21:13

no I know it is nt but its just sad to think you are pining away maybe you wont have children but I really hope you meet the right person for you?

Original poster
childlesspeaceandquiet · 06/03/2014 21:13

I have to admit, I like that aspect: I was looking at a job in London earlier, which I don't think I will go for, but is interesting to think about!

OP posts:
neepsandtatties · 06/03/2014 21:14

Book recommendation: www.amazon.co.uk/Beyond-Childlessness-Every-Woman-Wanted/dp/1405077611/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1394140135&sr=8-1&keywords=beyond+childlessness

A reflective, affirming, well-researched book.

Original poster
childlesspeaceandquiet · 06/03/2014 21:14

I'm not sure I'm "pining away"! Shock because I don't have children or because I haven't met the right person!

OP posts:
Original poster
childlesspeaceandquiet · 06/03/2014 21:14

Apologies x2: that was very sharp.

OP posts:
x2boys · 06/03/2014 21:16

I did nt mean it like that but you do seem desperate for children I,m sorry to have offended you .

scottishmummy · 06/03/2014 21:17

Op doesn't come across desperate,she's been v realistic

thesaurusgirl · 06/03/2014 21:20

Thank the Lord for ScottishMummy

I am sick and tired of the way IVF and adoption are bandied about as alternative options for women alone or infertile.

You have to be fairly exceptional to attempt either. IVF has a pitiful success rate (1 in 5 if you are under 35) whilst adoption is a vocation, not an alternative. A huge number of women who successfully manage to give birth would be rejected for parenthood if they were ever to come before an adoption panel.

Shove up OP, I'll join you on the bench.

Original poster
childlesspeaceandquiet · 06/03/2014 21:20

Thank you scottishmummy. x2, I'm not offended as I can see you're trying to help, but can you see how your choice of language is a little bit offensive? That's not to say you personally are offensive but 'pining away' and 'desperate' just aren't complimentary, no matter how kind the intention behind the words are.

Being happy, and being happy in every area of your life are different, I am a happy person, but would preferred to have had a family of my own.

OP posts:
thesaurusgirl · 06/03/2014 21:22

The "sperm donor route" - more bullshit spouted by the comically ill-informed.

IUI has a 1 in 10 success rate.