to feel a bit sad I'll never be a mum

[childlesspeaceandquiet]

I'd have loved my own family but am 40 this year and am making my peace with a child-free life. More money and spoilt cats

But when I see cute world book day costumes (sob!) and at other times, I do feel so sad for the babies I won't hold.

I'm not being U, am I?

Honestly: no, I don't. I see some of the saddest and most desperate cases in the UK - children with severe emotional and behavioural problems who are violent, swear, scream and lie.

It isn't their fault but rewarding it isn't! Exhausting and soul destroying is probably more to the point!

Which is precisely why I don't want more of it when I do get home!

"Being happy, and being happy in every area of your life are different, I am a happy person, but would preferred to have had a family of my own"

OP, I think that is one of the truest and bravest things I have ever read on here.

OP, I think YANBU to feel the way you do, as I have been there and feel for you. Longing for babies you think you will never hold is incredibly hard, and I don't think that people with children who say "oh but it's hard work looking after them" can ever really understand where you are coming from.

My circumstances were different from yours but I spent many years thinking I would never be a mum before eventually having my two DC when I was almost 43 and almost 47. Maybe it is the right thing for you now to close the door firmly on the possibility of having children but I just wanted to say that, if you want to keep a glimmer of hope, my personal experience is that life can sometimes surprise you!

Sillyshell - sending you lots of very unmumsnetty hugs.

I understand completely. I've had two failed IVF and I'm due to have the third and final one in a couple of months. There is very little chance of a natural conception. In who knows how many years of trying I have never seen two lines on a stick.

I too am an only child with no nieces or nephews.

You are not alone when you have MN

OP DOES NOT WANT TO FOSTER OR ADOPT. SHE HAS EXPLAINED THAT LOADS OF TIMES ON THIS THREAD

OP - you are very gracious when people keep suggesting the same solution. Totally understand why it's not suitable for you

I think you're being sensible and realistic. Reality is that it may or may not happen for you. That is sad, if that's what you had hoped for. It's tough to face up to the possibility of our dreams not coming true

Thank you sconequeen x

OP, I'm probably going to say this in a clumsy way but I think it's totally normal and natural to have those 'Grass is Greener' moments as long as you don't let it consume you. I'm a SAHM to school-aged children. I stopped work after DC1 was born and only went back briefly until DC2 arrived. Now the children are all in school I sometimes feel wistful about doing another degree/forging a career but have realized that, at 37, this is probably not realistic; I know it can be done but think it's probably not right for me any time in the near future....DH works long hours and has a really demanding career and we're about to move overseas, the kids are really busy with their sports etc. There will always be a (sad) part of me that laments not giving it a try but I think I've made peace with it. There are a lot of great things about my life and, well, having a career is not the be-all-end-all. Sorry, I'm not being very clear ( ) and I hope I'm not being insensitive but just to say that you might always have a bit of you that feels sad about not having accomplished X but you'll have other things that will have made you a rich, worthwhile and interesting person. Your job sounds incredibly difficult and maybe not having your own children allows you to give more of yourself to the children that you work with? That is pretty awesome .

no need to be insulting thesaurusgirl - it's a route like any other way of conception and possible pregnancy - and even trying "naturally" there is only a 20% at each attempt- and then a chance of the pregnancy not surviving - I have a 50% chance of mc personally so coupled with a reduced chance of conception due to pcos it makes less than 20% chance with a 50% chance of that failing means my odds of success probably are getting close to the 10% mark - should I not try (luckily I did).

so if I were single and decided that I would like to try for a dc i would choose sperm donor - yes I could try with any man - but with that there are risks of being tied to a wanker by my dc - even a nrp wanker would be a bad thing potentially and risks of stds etc through sleeping with someone I maybe didn't know well enough etc - whereas donated sperm and doners are screened so imo it isn't a ridiculous or comically ignorant.

No yanbu. I haven't read all the threads but there are pluses to being a parent and some minuses.

You will have different pluses and different minuses.
They're not a straight swap i know but i don't think your life will be any less full. Although it must feel that way right now.

Brennan talks much sense :-)

Using a sperm donor is a possibility for women in same sex partnerships, and women who are in a relationship with a man who has problems with his sperm - or where to be genetically related to the man would run the risk of an inherited disease.

It's also possible for women who are single but this doesn't mean because it is technically possible it is a good idea. I can see that for women who have a large extended family it could work well, for example, but it is hugely expensive, without a guarantee of success, and it has potential repercussions that shouldn't stop anybody from doing it but which should not be ignored either.

The point is that choosing to be a single parent is a massive step.

OP - I would venture to guess that I am the only single women on this thread who has done what many people have suggested to you - I have tried straight forward sex (with a partner rather than random man in pub!), IUI and IVF with donor sperm when none of that worked I moved on to adoption. I have been a single parent now for nearly 8 years and I never advocate for being a single parent by choice or adopting.

I would support someone who decided they wanted to do it enough to get through the process but when you choose to be a single parent you have (and particularly so in your case if you have no living parents or siblings) no support. Not even an ex partner who takes the kids occasionally.
I think being regretful
Adoption brings extra parenting challenges that again you have to handle on your own, added to which you are solely responsible bringing in a living wage whilst having a child that might have additional needs and not suited to the kind of child care that most people rely on.

It isn't that other parents don't face these things but it is a big deal to consciously decide to take on these things and to know that you can do it competently enough to not let down a child who has already started from a point of loss and separation. Also being life threateningly ill as a single parent with a three year old wasn't much fun as you have identified the issue of not having a big family to support you would be a big concern.

It is OK as you have expressed, to feel regret that things haven't worked out the way you might have preferred. None of the solutions will "cure" that feeling.

Adopting DS, although my pride and joy and I'm very very lucky to have him, didn't cure my infertility and the pain it caused me and or the regret I have at not ever having parented a newborn, or breastfed or having a child with a year of the life that is a missing black hole that I can never fill for him. It causes me pain still.

And the irony is that if you choose to become a single parent by choice, endless numbers of people will feel obliged to share with you how selfish you're being. So you won't "win" either way!

and tbh I think anyone who hasn't had to explain to their child why they are the only child in their class/school who has no father, not an absent one or a rarely sighted one but technically no father shouldn't be so dismissive of the difficulties it causes a child.

Childless you don't have to justify yourself. You want children with a man you love. That is totally understandable. I always longed for children and have been incredibly lucky to have two with a great man. But if that hadn't happened I don't think I'd have had IVF or adopted.

If you met a good man who already had kids how do you think you'd feel about that?

Op it sounds like you will have an equally fabulous life without children. Its one of those things that you may wonder what if but what if not is sometimes better

OP, you have my huge sympathy. I was where you are now when I was 40. It was intensely, breathtakingly painful. I did eventually have two children (through DI and adoption) and it is BECAUSE of that that i would never insult you by suggesting there is an easy 'solution' to your situation.

I have rarely read a thread in which so many well-meaning people got it so completely wrong. In fertility terms, 40 is not the new 30. The odds are of course low that you will meet someone and get pregnant in the next year or two. You can't have a baby just because you want one. Fostering is not the same as being a mother. Adoption is a difficult option for a single working woman, maybe a good one if it's right for you, but you have said it isn't and I absolutely respect that.

Everything that's been said to you on this thread was said to me in the long, long years I stared childlessness in the face. It was a very isolating experience, when close and caring people just couldn't 'get it'. I knew, all the time, that I would of course move beyond this eventually, that life would continue to have meaning and be rewarding in many ways, but at the time I needed the enormity of that loss to be acknowledged by those close to me. Being told it would magically sort itself out, or told that I was 'lucky' to be without children, or jokingly offered a share of someone else's, just made me feel terribly terribly alone.

You have been hugely patient and gracious on this thread. I hope the many people on it who undoubtedly had their hearts in the right places but got it so very wrong will learn from what you have told them.

OP have you ever thought of mentoring? Take heart, you will get through this.

youthmentoring.org

cailin thank you. Quite so!

Kewcumber you are absolutely right and thank you for your considered post. When you have lost a parent at a young age you are conscious of it. I knew I was the only child without a mum, my dad did his best but while he was a loving parent in many ways was not a mother. Then I lost him at a young age. I came through it but to be honest it's more than left its mark and I would not want any child to experience that.

I would love to be a mum bit in the context of a family - not creating a child because I've decided it's what I need. For some people it's the right thing, but for a forty year old woman without a partner, without parents, with a demanding job - it's the wrong thing.

Painful and you need time to grieve and accept your loss and have people understand that your grief is real.

straight forward sex (with a partner rather than random man in pub!), IUI and IVF with donor sperm when none of that worked I moved on to adoption

I should also add in case that sounds a little like a production line that including trying with a partner the whole process took about 8 years to bringing a child home - if you were unlucky enough to follow my example you would be becoming a single parent at age 48 (and that assumes you start tomorrow)

To be honest Kewcumber, as a naturally recitient and private person, adoption terrifies me for the sole reason that it always sounds as if your life is on show to be analysed and discussed. It really does put the fear of God into me.

I hugely respect those who DO do it, but know I don't have the guts!

YANBU, at all. DP and I are currently wrapping our heads around the fact that we will never have biological children. We would definitely like to adopt, I've always planned on adopting, even when I assumed that I could give birth to a child. It's not an easy answer though, as is often blithely suggested on here. And right now we are in no place to even consider starting the process.

I agree completely with scottishmummy and AF. You don't want to be told that 'miracles can happen'. Or 'what's meant to be will be'. I got enough of that shit after each of my miscarriages. And, although I know people are trying to be kind, the whole 'oh think of all the lovely lie-ins, boozy nights out and holidays you'll have' pisses me off, too. Like it's compensation for never having a child. It actually angers me, because really, how many parents look back on feeling their baby kick for the first time, holding a newborn in their arms, watching their child take their first steps, starting school, becoming adults and having partners and families of their own, and think, 'oh actually, I'd have given up on all that to have more nights out on the piss'?

Likewise, the 'you get to be a great aunt' stuff. I am a wonderful aunt to DP's nieces and nephews. My own sister and her DH are TTC, so hopefully I'll be an aunt to their DC in the next year or two. And I can't wait for that. But it is so not the same as having DCs of your own.

I hope this hasn't upset you, OP. I just want to let you know that I do understand what you are feeling.

Not going to read the thread as today is what I call a wobbly day in regards to my infertility journey but yanbu and an unmumsnetty hug to you OP and anyone else who has shared similar.

5 fresh rounds of ivf with icsi under my belt and a frozen one approaching.

It isn't something anyone, who hasn't personally experienced it, can ever understand and that makes it extremely isolating.

It's one of the most un black and white situations to find yourself in and you have feelings you never knew existed. If people can just accept, that for a start, we might get somewhere.

Agree with every word of your post Shadows

Thanks, Coumarin. Many people just don't understand. And actually, I'm glad most people don't understand, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. There is a part of me that has become angry and bitter. When DP's brother announced that his DP was pregnant 2 weeks to the day after I had a miscarriage, when they announced their second accidental pregnancy, when our friends announced their third accidental pregnancy while quizzing us as to when we'd be having babies. When my Mum and DP's Mum came out with the 'it wasn't meant to be' bullshit after each of my miscarriages. Then the suggestions of 'just adopt', 'try IVF'. Then I hate myself for feeling angry and bitter. It's constant sadness and guilt. Shit. I'm ranting again. Have had a bad few weeks. for you too, Coumarin. It really is so isolating. And yes, people who have not been where we are will never understand.