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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit sad I'll never be a mum

160 replies

childlesspeaceandquiet · 06/03/2014 19:09

I'd have loved my own family but am 40 this year and am making my peace with a child-free life. More money and spoilt cats Grin

But when I see cute world book day costumes (sob!) and at other times, I do feel so sad for the babies I won't hold.

I'm not being U, am I?

OP posts:
Steben · 06/03/2014 20:10

Yanbu to feel sad but don't write it off - I know many 40+ mums and whilst it's been a struggle conceiving for some of them they still have DC.

AugustaAdaByron · 06/03/2014 20:10

OP have you come across gateway-women.com ?

pyjamaramadrama · 06/03/2014 20:13

She said she felt sad that she'd never be, so I think automatically people say "but you could..."

If she can't or doesn't want to, then that's a perfectly acceptable and valid choice.

If the op had asked 'Aibu to be happy that I'll never have children' then I'm sure people would have said of course you're not, kids are a pain in the neck.

But the op has said that she would have liked children.

mrstigs · 06/03/2014 20:14

Yanbu at all, people often wish for what they don't have. On occasion when my three young ones are going nuts and I'm losing grip on the fifteen thousand things I'm juggling at once I wish I'd stayed childfree, just like when I see someone with a great career I wish I'd done similar, or when I feel particularly skint I wish I'd been born into a rich family Smile . I guess it's easy to see the positives in other people's lives. As long as you are happy and content in your life in general there is nothing wrong with catching the odd case of 'grass is greener'.

pyjamaramadrama · 06/03/2014 20:16

It's perfectly reasonable to want or to not want children, or to feel that your circumstances aren't right but to feel sad about that.

scottishmummy · 06/03/2014 20:17

but op acknowledged circumstances meant she's not had child,op doesn't want to adopt,Ivf or foster
It is what it is, it doesn't mean she needs to snap to it and try get pg with or without man
And no,I do to think wanting a baby means one should just go have a baby

Original poster
childlesspeaceandquiet · 06/03/2014 20:18

Thanks. I agree its natural to offer solutions but my chances are slim: I need to accept that and move on as best I can.

Some of you are right in that it isn't too late if I already had a partner - but meeting someone, conceiving and having a child in perhaps a three year margin is - unlikely! Especially given my track record!

Scottishmummy - thanks, I do try!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 06/03/2014 20:20

You're v realistic,grounded and reflective
Yes I'd worry more if you were just going to get knocked up/adopt/or ivf

Original poster
childlesspeaceandquiet · 06/03/2014 20:23

I actually think the idea of children 'desperate for a mum' is a worrying one - akin to adopting my two cats from the Cats Protection League. I was actually told they were desperate for a mum or dad!

obviously I am their mum Blush

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 06/03/2014 20:26

Fosters children aren't necessarily desperate for new mum,they usually have parents

MargotLovedTom · 06/03/2014 20:27

Yanbu to feel sad about it.

If you're sure you don't want to go down the adoption/ivf route then hopefully, like you say, you'll be able to be a close auntie/second mother type figure to your friends' children. Your knackered friends will probably bite your arm off in years to come if you offer to have their child for the day or for a sleepover and you get to hand them back.

My brother doesn't have dc of his own but gets on very well with my dc: he has plenty of energy and patience with them when DH and I are often run ragged.

INeedSomeHelp · 06/03/2014 20:29

Childless I totally know where you're coming from. I am 44 and have more or less accepted I will never have my own child.
I was married briefly but my ex already had three teenage DCs and had no desire for more. I was already a bit old by then anyway.
I have four nephews and one neice and I'm very close to two of my nephews in particular. But it can never be the same.

Yes there are loads of advantages to being childless but my heart does still ache when I watch OBEM.

pyjamaramadrama · 06/03/2014 20:31

They are not usually desperate for a mum but in desperate need for unconditional love, stability, boundaries, basic needs met.

Some children already have loving homes but need short term respite care while mum is in hospital for example, some are babies waiting to be adopted.

Original poster
childlesspeaceandquiet · 06/03/2014 20:31

I really feel for you, INeedSomeHelp.

I think many people actively choose not to be parents which I respect, but others drift there. We make happy lives but the longing is always there, isn't it?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/03/2014 20:32

guys, please stop trying to offer alternatives to OP

she is moving along a line of acceptance and wants to be supported in that

INeedSomeHelp · 06/03/2014 20:34

I totally agree - I always assumed DCs would feature in my life at some point. But time just ticked on and it never happened.

Stockhausen · 06/03/2014 20:36

I didn't realise how much I wanted to be a mum, until after my second miscarriage. It became a primal need.

If you wanted a baby, you could have one.

squoosh · 06/03/2014 20:37

yanbu OP.

So sorry you lost both your parents at such a young age.

ilovewoody · 06/03/2014 20:38

OP I feel your pain. I'm 42 this year and after a miscarriage and a divorce I have had to accept I will never have children.

I have a good life and the freedom to do what I like. I am also auntie to the most beautiful girl in the world and that makes me very happy.

But a little part of my heart will always ache for the hidden I never had. But it'll not ruin my life. I'm happy, safe and a bloomin great auntie

ilovewoody · 06/03/2014 20:40

Children...not hidden :)

Original poster
childlesspeaceandquiet · 06/03/2014 20:40

Thank you, squoosh, it was a long time ago and definitely made me fixate on replacing the family I had lost for a long time.

What I came to realise though is that I can't do that, and that's why I'm reluctant to do it alone. I envision cuddly baby scenes but the reality would be stress, exhaustion and probably severe depression.

Thank you for lovely comments.

OP posts:
EverythingsDozy · 06/03/2014 20:44

You know, I was so desperate to have children. Since I can remember I wanted children, I have always been maternal, broody etc. Then I had them, and it is so so hard! My DD was a lot easier than my DS is but I struggled even with her.
It isn't always a bad thing not to get what you want! And I say that with all the love in my heart for my children!

Original poster
childlesspeaceandquiet · 06/03/2014 20:45

Cross posts - thanks woody and lol at 'hidden'; I love random iPad/smartphone glitches like that!

OP posts:
drspouse · 06/03/2014 20:46

formerbabe just a minor pulling you up on language - in the way of educating you rather than telling you off - we adopted our DS so we do have a child. It is the same. It's fostering that is different to having children, we aren't looking after DS for someone else.

moomoomummy · 06/03/2014 20:46

I am sorry to hear that it hasn't worked out for you . Life is so random , meeting someone at the right time in order for children to happen can be so hard. I was desperate for children and was. So lucky to meet my partner in my late thirties and have chikdren quickly afterwards. I never take them for granted and your post really strikes a chord with me as I realise how easily that could have been me. I hope the next stage of your life is a happy one and brings you good things.