AIBU to throw away letters addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'?

[SarahAnderson]

For the record, I am not a Mrs, I am a Dr. And I didn't take my husband's last name. Therefore all three parts of 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]' are wrong.

It makes my blood boil when I receive letters addressed to me like this. Because it's not really me at all. It's like upon marriage, every part of 'me' was been extinguished and replaced with my husband instead: my profession, my first name, my family affiliation.

The WORST thing is that virtually all of the mail I get like this is intended to be well meaning -- the last two I got were a congratulations card and a birthday gift! So I can't bring myself to let the giver know how sad and annoyed it makes me.

(Actually I did, once, respond when someone gave me an incredibly generous gift addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'. I was genuinely baffled as to why he did it, as he's a very liberal guy and it seemed out of character. He replied that it was a joke and he only did it because he knows how much it would annoy me. I'm not sure if that's really true - he doesn't know me THAT well - but in any case my reaction was, um, why did you want to give me this lovely gift and also REALLY PISS ME OFF at the same time?)

I got another card addressed this way last night and, I must confess, I threw it away. It just makes me annoyed to have it in the house.

No, YANBU

the only time person A is given the name of person B is when A is socially inferior to B

Hence Malcolm X - replaced his 'slave name' where his family were named after their owner
Servants were called the name of their master/mistress
This is no different

FWIW I don't use Dr as a title, outside of work - not sure why anyone would

Banks fall over themselves, for a start.

Just remembered about the cheques. Why do people send me cheques with the wrong name on, then phone me up to complain that I am jeopardising their accounting for the month due to not paying them in promptly? For some unfathomable reason my bank won't let me pay cheques for other people into my account.

Cheques? Have we travelled back in time?

Cheques are still widely used in a business context Theodorus.

You sound nuts.

Sorry, Dr Nuts.

It is mainly older people sending the cheques, to be fair. But it happens quite frequently.

It is mainly older people sending the cheques, to be fair. But it happens quite frequently.

Somebody gave you a generous gift, and you respond by criticizing them for how they address you on the gift?

You sound very rude.

My husband uses Dr with his bank, I dont' with mine - the service we receive is no different.

My guess is salary is probably more important that title.

Cashmere - I get this too and have given up trying to correct people. If you deposit the cheque using the cash deposit machine rather than paying it in over the counter, it doesn't seem to matter if the name on the cheque doesn't match the name on the account. At least, not IME.

I don't think it's rude or unreasonable to expect people to address you as an individual, not as the 'other half' (ugh!) of your husband. We have to bear the history in mind: until relatively recently, women were treated as 'chattels' to be passed from a father to a husband on marriage. Addressing someone as 'Mrs Husband' is buying into a long tradition of denying women subjectivity, individuality, and political rights.

This is why I also think it is anti-feminist to take your husband's name. The history of it is a history of oppression. And, weirdly, there is a correlation. I am only ever addressed as 'Mrs' by people who also use my husband's name ('Mrs Strugglinghusband'). When people remember I'm 'struggling', they also remember I'm 'Dr'.

Did you mean me Quint? Or the OP? I am not able to receive the parcels. And the cheques are not always gifts. I was tasked with buying tickets for the Lion King for someone with no internet. I bought the tickets, they sent me a cheque in the wrong name so I cant pay it in. I have ended up paying for her granddaughter and her granddaughter's friends to see the lion king. And I hate sodding musicals.

I meant the OP, she moaned that she got a generous gift, and clearly called the gift giver on it, as he had to explain himself to her. I found that rude.

Ok, just checking. Apparently all the undelivered parcels go somewhere in Northern Ireland. I'm visualising someone in an office surrounded by years of my uncollected presents, wondering why I can never be arsed to go to the sorting office.

I dont think OP has the same problem as you, as she clearly receives her mail, as she wants to bin mail with the incorrect name rather than open it!

The Lion King? (shudder) Time to start demanding cash upfront

I don't understand that, Cashmere. If the address is correct, the mail will be delivered. I get mail all the time for the previous occupants, despite living here 15 years. Royal Mail sorts on address only, afaik, they don't run a match between address and name of occupant.

Really? I haven't worked in the UK for years but have never encountered a cheque in the Middle East in 10 years

maddy68 Thu 06-Mar-14 00:32:27
It is the 'correct' way to address a letter. If you wish to be referred to in a different way then write to them

Wrong. As I mentioned in a previous post, the correct way to address a letter is to use the name by which the person is known. Even Debrett's goes with that.

If I have never used my husband's name, then to address me as "Mrs FryOneFAtManicsHusbandsName" is completely wrong.

And don't bother trying to tell me to get over it. I don't see why I should. Especially as people never seem to tell a bloke to get over it if someone uses a wrong name for him.

I have my own name. And that's the name I expect to be called.

People have suggested I change my name so I can collect their parcels

That does rather take the biscuit!

Haven't read full thread but wanted to add that I too get annoyed by this.

My particular favourite is an aunt of DH who uses Dr and Mrs his initial and his name..... So I am nothing more than his mrs - forget my name, my professional title while he gets to keep all of his!

I had return address labels with my preferred form of address made this Christmas and stuck them on the back of the cards I sent.... Wait with interest to see what happens next year

I'm also a Dr but for me it's a degree I took in the past, rather than a qualification that entitles me to do something professionally. I use the title at work, in my job it indicates that I'm more likely to be at a certain level in the organisation (though that's not a given) but I'm happy to use Ms (but not Miss or Mrs) in my personal life.

However the issue of addressing envelopes, parcels and in particular cheques to the wrong person is a real one. I've had gifts, very nice gifts, addressed to Mrs DHlastname, and had to go and pick them up from the PO (I had to send DH for one, though they do seem to have sorted themselves out more recently). I've also had a cheque addressed to Myfirstname DHlastname. As no such person exists, it's a bit difficult to bank that (I think we asked the sender to write a new one).

I've also had the jobsworth behind the PO counter refuse to give me a parcel that was addressed to, let's say, Beth Jones when the name on my ID is Elizabeth Jones. They kept insisting the parcel must be for "your daughter" and asking for her ID (I don't have a daughter, at the time I didn't even have a DS, but if I had had a daughter it's not that likely she'd have the same first name as me, and she'd have been about 4, so wouldn't have had any ID). When I turned up at the PO counter with the card they wouldn't tell me who the parcel was actually addressed to, just telling me it wasn't for me, as the name wasn't the same, and eventually admitting it was for someone with the same last name and a shortened form of my first name.

I finally persuaded them that they were pig-ignorant and that Beth and Elizabeth are the same name (the two names in fact even begin with the same letter). I dread to think what would have happened had it been in the name of Mrs DHfirstname DHlastname. In our area it seems that the PO counters are incredibly jobsworth (they are like this on other matters) but thankfully the sorting office have some common sense. But I can totally believe that in other areas it's the other way round, or they are both jobsworth. And banks of course have very good reason to be picky.

I've used the sticky labels underachieving, made very little difference!

Thanks drspouse - am not expecting anything to change but it made me feel better!!

Its a very outdated thing to do. I wouldn't be impressed to receive a Mrs [husbands name] surname. I would probably just tell the person or company though. I don't see the logic in not pointing out your name if they have bought you a gift. People make mistakes, it would be silly if they got uppity about it. Just make it clear what your name is. I'm not a Dr but if I was I would want my professional letters to read Dr although expecting it from family and friends I'm not so sure.