AIBU to throw away letters addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'?

[SarahAnderson]

For the record, I am not a Mrs, I am a Dr. And I didn't take my husband's last name. Therefore all three parts of 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]' are wrong.

It makes my blood boil when I receive letters addressed to me like this. Because it's not really me at all. It's like upon marriage, every part of 'me' was been extinguished and replaced with my husband instead: my profession, my first name, my family affiliation.

The WORST thing is that virtually all of the mail I get like this is intended to be well meaning -- the last two I got were a congratulations card and a birthday gift! So I can't bring myself to let the giver know how sad and annoyed it makes me.

(Actually I did, once, respond when someone gave me an incredibly generous gift addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'. I was genuinely baffled as to why he did it, as he's a very liberal guy and it seemed out of character. He replied that it was a joke and he only did it because he knows how much it would annoy me. I'm not sure if that's really true - he doesn't know me THAT well - but in any case my reaction was, um, why did you want to give me this lovely gift and also REALLY PISS ME OFF at the same time?)

I got another card addressed this way last night and, I must confess, I threw it away. It just makes me annoyed to have it in the house.

maddy no it is not the correct way to address a letter. The correct way is to use the addressee's name.

My name is Miss or Ms Caitlin17[surname which appears on my birth certificate] I have never been Mrs husband's surname. There is no document which names me as that. "Mrs his surname" would be his mother or his sister-in-law.

Who , in your opinion, determines it's "correct"to apply a name the OP doesn't use.

Why on earth would anyone refuse to use the name a person has requested they be called?

And do guys EVER have to worry about this stuff?

It boils my piss too. Extremely.

I got married in 2010. John Lewis wedding list. All JL documentation addressed to us post-wedding day became Mr and Mrs DH's name. No doubt JL thought this a nice touch, except that I did not change my name when I got married. I was mightily pissed off, even more so that the letters continued to be addressed like this after I'd complained...

When Mr and Mrs H Darling send me a letter addressed to Mrs M Husbandsname, I send them letters addressed to something very informal like 'Gerry and Harry, Big House, Smalltown'.

I doubt they even notice but it gives me a small moment of pleasure, and some days that's as good as it gets...

I don't mind 'Mrs' that much (I'm a Miss) but it infuriates me if I get a 'Mr and Mrs'...
It's one thing to assume my marital status but quite another to invent a husband for me...

The secretary at my son's paediatric department did this for the first year we were under them - excuses ranged from 'We can't be expected to remember everyone's marital status' (so use parent / carer of...) to 'oh yes that's Janice... Janice just assumes all children have two parents'

In the end I asked for the details of this husband they had invented for me as he might come in handy... I pointed out that I had high standards and expected a decent specimen
They were so shocked it never happened again

After a similar conversation with a second department word must have got round as I don't even get 'Mrs' by accident anymore

"It is the 'correct' way to address a letter."

Guess you use a different definition of 'correct'. I define 'correct' as 'accurate' rather than 'what a bunch of old men working at Debretts think' or 'what social convention used to be'.

Sorry but I really don't get the issue. Mail was sent and it got to you, result.

Pisses me off. I think the answer is to thank people for the cards and then say "by the way, my name is actually OP. I'm not Mrs DH at all".

I did it to mil after a load of hassle banking a birthday cheque.

If a parcel comes and I have to go to the sorting office to collect it, I don't have any ID which matches "DHName"

Don't see why people get the hump about using Dr.

I used to carefully segregate, using Ms for personal things, Dr for work. But then, if I drive or use my bank card or passport for work, should I have Dr on them? If I buy a large appliance for the home and they ask for my title, do I use Ms (civvy life) or Dr (pretentious) even though the latter is on my card now?

I just got so feckin fed up of it, so started using Dr all the time.

But I only ever use my title in situations where I am directly asked for it.

I have the problem with collecting things from the sorting office. Then the person who has sent me the present gets irate because I haven't written to thank them. I explain what has happened and then the next time they address the parcel exactly the same way. What can you do? People have suggested I change my name so I can collect their parcels.

I would be totally livid, how dare they?? I would have a good mind to go round and ram the offending card/correspondence down thier ignorant throats.

Honestly though? YABU, get over it.

The point about collecting from the delivery office is really the trump card. It does show how ridiculous it is to send mail to a non existent person and also how ridiculous some of the posts are on here to make the assumption OP has turned into this non existent person.

I collect stuff from the sorting office for dh all the time. Also for the kids, at Christmas and birthdays (family all overseas). It's never been an issue at all, once I can prove my address?

Non existent person sounds slightly hystetical, caitlin. A rose is a rose...

Hysterical, that would be...

I really can't get wound up over it - so what?!

Only person who cares is you. Get a grip hardly a major problem. You sound very rude and up yourself.
I laughed at the ' i am a Dr ' bit. My sister is a Dr but does not see that as her title

Someone took the time and trouble to send you a card.
They - probably in all innocence - addressed it incorrectly.
You threw it away - blimey!

Surname - fair enough. I get mildly irked by being referred to as Mr Wifename (and that is without the patriarchal undertones) But crying? Ripping up cards? Sounds a bit of an overreaction.

Even so, if you'd said I'd be happy with Ms Sarah Anderson or just plain Sarah Anderson then I'd say YANBU

As for insisting on being addressed as Doctor that seems super wanky. Why do you want your friends and family to parade your academic qualifications?

I am about a year off finishing a PhD and won't be using the title anywhere outside a work environment. It seems absurd to use your work title in your personal life and smacks of one upmanship to use it where it has no relevance.

By not using your work qualification, they aren't extinguishing your professional identity, they just have a personal relationship with you, not a workplace one. Likewise I wouldn't send a letter to Police Officer or a District councillor I knew in a personal capacity as PC Jane Smith or Cllr John Davis.

I think it's very rude to treat people & there gifts in this way!!

I would always address a letter/cards ect in this way unless I knew different....

I think they sell lives in Lidl. Buy one

I am Dr and have not taken my husband's name either.
I have never had anything addressed to Mrs DHfirst nameDHsurname ever. It is most bizarre that this happens to you.

However YANBU to object to these, although you are being a little silly to dispose of them without seeing what's inside first.

FWIW I don't use Dr as a title, outside of work - not sure why anyone would.