AIBU to throw away letters addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'?

[SarahAnderson]

For the record, I am not a Mrs, I am a Dr. And I didn't take my husband's last name. Therefore all three parts of 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]' are wrong.

It makes my blood boil when I receive letters addressed to me like this. Because it's not really me at all. It's like upon marriage, every part of 'me' was been extinguished and replaced with my husband instead: my profession, my first name, my family affiliation.

The WORST thing is that virtually all of the mail I get like this is intended to be well meaning -- the last two I got were a congratulations card and a birthday gift! So I can't bring myself to let the giver know how sad and annoyed it makes me.

(Actually I did, once, respond when someone gave me an incredibly generous gift addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'. I was genuinely baffled as to why he did it, as he's a very liberal guy and it seemed out of character. He replied that it was a joke and he only did it because he knows how much it would annoy me. I'm not sure if that's really true - he doesn't know me THAT well - but in any case my reaction was, um, why did you want to give me this lovely gift and also REALLY PISS ME OFF at the same time?)

I got another card addressed this way last night and, I must confess, I threw it away. It just makes me annoyed to have it in the house.

YANBU. DH and I both changed our surnames when we got married but MIL absolutely refuses to recognise it. This week I got a birthday card addressed to 'Mrs [DH Initial] [DH Original Surname]'. Don't mind if its a mistake but on her part it's definitely deliberate.

I did take my husband's surname on marriage, but as far as I am concerned I did not take his christian name too, so to address me as such is twaddle as far as I am concerned.

It is an outdated etiquette, and one which my own parents are sticklers for. I don't like it though because I am myself, with my own identity. I am not a female version of my husband.

The only person who sends me cards addressed to Mrs DH firstname DH surname is my mum. She does it because she knows it winds me up

She is a doctor (medical), as is my dad, all of their post goes to Dr & Mrs. She always said it didn't bother her. It would bother me, I think.

It's just a lot of sexist old claptrap a lot of the time.

I think it's courteous to address someone by their actual name and not randomly decide to call them something else, especially if they have told you what their name is, and doubly especially if they have told you that they don't like being addressed in other ways.

I am thankful that in the jobs I have had for the last decade or so, people are all just first name surname and no-one bothers with titles.

lurkerspeaks Thu 06-Mar-14 17:18:45
Seriously - you need to read an etiquette book

Mrs husbands first name husbands surname is the correct way to do things.

Even Debrett's says that the name you should use is the name preferred by the person you are addressing, before you start with all the etiquette.

And etiquette is evolving anyway, it's not set in stone forever. Much of it is relatively recent in the grand scheme of things.

The synonyms of "etiquette" include good manners, polite behaviour, good form, politeness, courtesy, social graces and courtesy.

How exactly are those met if you are told my name is "Miss X" but you then decide to call me "Mrs Y"

Would confronting the person cheeky enough to send you an incorrectly addressed birthday card constitute an offence against courtesty and good manners? Greater than or less than the original offence, or do they cancel out?
It seems pretty damn graceless to me.

I agree that times have changed, but it is a generational thing. Mostly, my generation learned that the correct etiquette is to do exactly this.
Most people do try hard to get it right. I still address things to Mrs husband's name because that is what I was taught, and most of my generation were too.
I prefer to believe that most normal people do not set out to deliberately offend other people.
I wouldn't get upset about it either TBH, I have far worse things in my life to worry about.

YADDDDNBU. The last time I checked we were in 2014.

3littlefrogs, my mum is 70, and she is more than capable of addressing someone how they wish to be addressed, and does address them so. To her, it is simply good manners to find out how they wish to be addressed as.

It's not a generational thing, I think it's just an attitude thing.

You know your birth surname is your dad's name right?

(Assuming parents married of course)

So you are not exactly striking a blow against the patriarchy by keeping it on marriage.

Just sayin'

Strange how my brothers and husband get their own surname but mine is just my dad's. It's no more my dad's name than it is mine, we both got it the same way.

You know your husband's surname is his dad's name,right?

I have a first name and a surname. I've had them for 30 years. So has my DH. If I'm the one who has to change then yes, that's patriarchy in action.

Exactly wherearemysocka and GarthsUncle, drives me mad when people claim a woman's name is just her father's name. A further attempt to belittle their identity. Gotta start somewhere, by keeping my birth name and giving any children both surnames I see that as the fairest way to say no to these traditions.

Just sayin'

So sqoosh what will your kids do when they marry? If they marry someone with a double barreled surname, will they give their kids four surnames?

Your surname is not your identity. You got it from your dad. There is nothing sacred about it.

My kids can do whatever they like, add a name, drop a name, create a new name. Totally up to them and absolutely none of my business. There are many naming traditions in the world, lots of other countries manage just fine without women automatically taking their husband's name.

My surname was the one given to me the day I was born, it's the one I'll die with. No, it's not my whole identity but it's an important part of it. You may be happy to swap and chop names. I am not.

I would be really secretly pleased to receive a letter calling me Mrs {husbands name} I wouldn't be offended at all because I am very proud to be married to DH and also have no issues at all about my own personal or professional identity.

Op, I feel you're a tad precious about this. I don't care what name people call me and I also don't mind whether people address me as Dr or Mrs or Ms. I think it's extremely rude to throw away a card that a well meaning person has sent to you just because it hasn't been addressed in the way you'd like. I often send post to my doctor friends addressed to Mr/Mrs/Ms unless it's work related mail.

Happy, that'll be up to the kids at the time.

I got my first name from my dad and mum too, in that it was chosen by them. I'd be pretty annoyed to suddenly be called Joanna instead of Zoe because someone said there was "nothing sacred" about my name.

That's lovely FunnysInLaJardin. And presumably your husband would be equally happy to receive a letter address to Mr Yourmaidenname too?

All changes to traditions have to start somewhere.

So I keep my surname (that yes, I got from my dad) and pass it on, so in just a couple of generations, that surname is just a woman's surname being handed down.

And in some cases today, surnames are actually signifying they were once a woman's name. I think Webster is an example, signifying a female weaver.

And I bet that not one of the people saying it's no big issue, or spouting "proper etiquette" would dream of getting a bloke's name wrong.

blueberry so if, say, your name is Liz Smith, and someone sends you a letter addressed to Dave Brown, that is A-OK?

I think some people are missing the point that it is utterly not the OP's name.

Say she is called, Ms Sanda Jones. She has always been called Ms Sandra Jones. She gets married, and her name remains Ms Sandra Jones. Suddenly others are calling her Mrs Richard Tibbins.

It's not her name!

I don't like titles at all, tend to not use them or use Miss if forced to use one. Noticed on my gas/electricity bill I was a Mrs, now I really do not like Mrs, so phoned to get it changed. When I said to the call handler, I was not a "Mrs" (technically I am!) she goes "oh, you are just a Miss then"..to my regret, I did not question why being a Miss warrants a just.

But if you're married, Mrs. is certainly more correct than Miss, scoobydoo.
What's all that about, then?