AIBU to throw away letters addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'?

[SarahAnderson]

For the record, I am not a Mrs, I am a Dr. And I didn't take my husband's last name. Therefore all three parts of 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]' are wrong.

It makes my blood boil when I receive letters addressed to me like this. Because it's not really me at all. It's like upon marriage, every part of 'me' was been extinguished and replaced with my husband instead: my profession, my first name, my family affiliation.

The WORST thing is that virtually all of the mail I get like this is intended to be well meaning -- the last two I got were a congratulations card and a birthday gift! So I can't bring myself to let the giver know how sad and annoyed it makes me.

(Actually I did, once, respond when someone gave me an incredibly generous gift addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'. I was genuinely baffled as to why he did it, as he's a very liberal guy and it seemed out of character. He replied that it was a joke and he only did it because he knows how much it would annoy me. I'm not sure if that's really true - he doesn't know me THAT well - but in any case my reaction was, um, why did you want to give me this lovely gift and also REALLY PISS ME OFF at the same time?)

I got another card addressed this way last night and, I must confess, I threw it away. It just makes me annoyed to have it in the house.

I will not get over myself, nor will I lighten up.

It boils my piss.

The etiquette brigade are wrong anyway.

The correct name to be used it the name that the person you are addressing correspondence to prefers to use.

It's only if you don't actually know, that you fall back on the older conventions.

It is good old fashioned etiquette to write to a married woman or a widow as Mrs John Smith. I know that my mother and her friends still do this because although they know it is old fashioned and some people do not like it the old etiquette is that "Mrs Jane Smith" would be how a divorced woman is addressed and they would consider that insulting.

Although my relations know I refer to myself as Miss Higgle they sent all my flowers to the hospital when DS1 was born to Mrs notHiggle - they al got sent back to the florists as the hospital did not have a MrsnotHiggle in residence.

And those people who reckon it's no big deal what you are called, perhaps if I constantly called you Jason to your face when your name is actually Sarah you'd soon get pissed off with me using the wrong name. It's no different.

If I've told you my name I expect you to use it, and not some name you think I should be called.

exactly.

If I do get married again, and people insist on calling me the wrong name, they'll get the same in return.

I don't get the need for the "Dr" part of your name. I would never expect people to use my letters when addressing me on a letter. And would prefer it if letters always came as M Gru or Marlena Gru rather than Mrs Gru.

But I do absolutely get the annoyance of being called Mrs [husband's initial or name] Gru. It drives me insane and is only really the bloody inlaws that do it. Everyone else seems to realise that I have a name. And I correct them every time they address me as Mrs Gru and suggest Marlena is much better. I agreed to change my name as it meant a lot to DH and makes family life easier but I didn't lose my identity!

Its really not hard to remember peoples names and titles. I presume, unless one has a photographic memory, that an address book needs to be consulted when sending post! Write the correct name in there!! As I've said on other posts on the same topic before - if you are the type of person who must use titles, ergo you are likely to want to be socially correct. Then be bloody socially correct and listen, and use the right frigging name. Anything else is just bloody rude. Must be, according to your own set social rules surely?
Hope that made sense.

And actually, surely it does matter about getting a person's name correct on an envelope, however frivolous the contents?

Who is the address actually for? I would think the Post Office first, then the recipient. And isn't there some law saying it is illegal to open mail not addressed to you? How far does this go? I mean, I never use the name Mrs DH- am I breaking this law if I open post addressed to that name? (Serious point, actually- we used to live with DH's mum, who does go by this name, and receive post for her)

I mean, if I send my parents a card in the post, and it's addressed to 'mum and dad', and I don't put the right stamp on, how does the post office know it's for them? How do they know it's for them, when they get the little card through the door?

If I receive such a card and it refers to Mrs DH I am that much more likely to conclude that it is junk- because most people I know, address me by the only name I use.

'Really couldn't care less how other people perceive my offence. I'm not going to phone Great Aunty Joan and berate her for not addressing Christmas cards correctly but I would certainly mention it to someone younger. Do hope that's okay with you.'

Well, er, I think you've sort of confirmed my points about arseyness and offence taking.

So someone takes the time to get you a gift or card and you're stressing because your name is wrong. I think you need to get a grip. I'm sure there's more important things in life for you to stress about. Or just tell them what you are known as.

You sound more than a little arsey yourself AddToBasket.

I think the OP (and others) do tell people what they are known as, but people still insist on addressing stuff differently.

I'd imagine if the name appears on the voting register as being resident at your address; it's perfectly safe to assume it's for you, silverten.
If your mum is happy to redirect her mail to your address she's evidentially happy to run the risk of someone else opening her birthday cards.

Evidently, even.

The thing is even if you tell them as someone else said then you can't force them to address you correctly. So your choice is throw the mail or suck it up. I can sort of see why it would be annoying but the dr bit is a tad ott maybe. Especially where relatives are concerned.

Actually, molly, DH's mum is more the type to go ape-shit at accidental mail opening, however trivial the contents. She's not getting her mail redirected, she used to live with us, so it's not as if it was a conscious decision to run that risk. But that wasn't really the question. How far can one safely assume that mail is for a mis-addressed person?

Interesting question, silverten. A quick look on the Net suggests that the relevant UK states:

“A person commits an offence if intending to act to a person’s detriment and without reasonable excuse, he opens a postal packet which he knows or reasonably suspects has been incorrectly delivered to him.”

So I'm guessing that the key thing is the bit about "acting to a person's detriment". I don't see how accidentally opening mail because you think it's meant for you (reasonable excuse?) would fall foul of that. But IANAL and all that...

If I was a Dr I'd want to be addressed as such. YANBU.

Does anyone remember "Jennifer's Diary"? pictures of posh ladies at social events? Under the photos they were always referred to b their husband's names. I recall "Mrs Hamish Bulloch" who was quite stunning and often pictured, I always wondered what her real name was.

I remember Jennifer's Diary with great affection. The women were always 'attractive' even if they looked like bulldogs and they were always referred to by their husband's name. For example, if Madonna was at a naice party whilst still married to Guy Ritchie, she would have been labeled Mrs Guy Ritchie.

I don't care if I'm not addressed as Dr, especially by friends. Hardly ever use it. But I do care if I'm addressed as Mrs husband's name, especially when they KNOW what my actual name is. Why do that except through laziness or making a pointedness?

I also wonder why men seem never to have this problem and what so many of you seem determined to tell those who have the temerity to want to be called by our actual names to get over it?

YANBU. Why should friends and relatives just assume you've changed your surname? It's really rude not to get your name wrong.

I wouldn't throw them away.

But I am in sympathy with you, especially today. I had to renew a card of mine, and I have no ID within the three-month period they require that has me as Ms Hername. They've all defaulted to Mrs Hername, MissHername or MrsHisname.

I've been told I can use Dr Hername now, though I don't yet have ID in it as Ive not yet graduated. I didn't dare, so got this guy say 'so is it Mizzzz? I never know how to say it?' and I explained I was nearly Dr but not yet. Would have been fine with this, except I met my male mate who said they automatically put him down as Dr.

People always think you are just standing on ceremony, but it is really shit, IMO. Because I have worked hard, and effectively, what I see is the men waved through and the women told not to be so arrogant. And with titles, women aren't supposed to care if they can't prove ID to a bank, because the little women just have pin money, right? So it doesn't matter no-one uses real names. If it were a man, they'd see why it might matter.

YANBU

It is the 'correct' way to address a letter. If you wish to be referred to in a different way then write to them