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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you have a child at boarding school...

418 replies

curiousgeorgie · 04/03/2014 13:07

Can I ask you why?

I know it's old but finally catching up on sky plus and watching the Harrow programme...

It seems so sad to send a child to boarding school, especially when some seem so resistant.

My DH said people do it because they have to, military etc.

So can I ask why you do it, if you do?

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 04/03/2014 23:35

lottieandmia

To be completely honest, its not part of our culture, in fact until very recently I hadn't met anybody who had boarded. I'm only just getting to know about the one my dd is intent on going to.
I do know its not at all like I expected and I only used to have negative views about them. Atm my dd doesn't go to school at all so it will be such a shock to us all and I know the family will miss her terribly.
I am being quite mean and telling her she isn't quite at the standard that's required and will be when she is older. She could walk the audition tomorrow, and she'd be packed by tomorrow night. Grin

MoreBeta · 04/03/2014 23:42

I went to boarding school and loved it.

However, I would not send my children to boarding school because not every child loves it. They go to private school but not boarding.

DS1 says he would like to go but actually I know it would be wrong for him. DS2 says no way to the idea but actually I know he would be just fine and get a lot out of it.

It really is horses for courses.

merrymouse · 04/03/2014 23:57

When I was at secondary school the basic school day plus transport was 8 to 5. Once you factor in an extra curricular activity and 2 hours of homework i don't think its a stretch to imagine that the kind of flexible boarding you can do nowadays suits some families.

Remotecontrolduck · 05/03/2014 01:13

It's not something I'd do but if your child genuinely enjoys it from secondary school ish onwards it probably isn't a bad thing and a better option in some cases.

Sending 4/5/6/7 year olds though as have been mentioned upthread I really would go as far to say is child abuse though, it shouldn't be allowed. No boarding school should take kids that young.

Freckletoes · 05/03/2014 01:27

My kids go to a school that also has boarders. My DSs both want to board and my DD doesn't. Odd really as my DD is a lot more independent then her brothers. I know of a few kids who live close enough to commute but have chosen to board and are loving it-and of one family that have one son as a day pupil and the other as a boarder!?! So it's not all bad if kids are actually choosing to go....

fairyfuckwings · 05/03/2014 01:32

Do you know what - I could never put my kids in boarding school (actually literally as I couldn't afford it!)but reading this thread it's probably for my own personal reasons and my desire to hold on to them, rather than what's best for them.

Very interesting thread.

splasheeny · 05/03/2014 01:35

I boarded and hated it.

Boarding seemed to be for disturbed young people whose parents could not deal with them. There was lots of bullying going on.

Food was horrible, and we had very few activities arranged for us.

GilmoursPillow · 05/03/2014 03:13

The people I know who send their children to boarding school primarily do it because they are working overseas and feel their child would get a better education in England.

That's us. The secondary education where I am is dire. DD was doing badly at school, wasn't happy where we live and wanted to "go home".

She started boarding at 14, is having to work very hard but is no ahead of the kids she left behind here and is happier than she was here.

My Mum is only 20 minutes away so she spends the odd weekend with her which she loves.

It works for her. That's reason enough for us.

GilmoursPillow · 05/03/2014 03:14

*now ahead

treadheavily · 05/03/2014 04:23

I'm thinking of sending my son at age 8. The school is across town and the boys come home Friday afternoon through to Sunday. I have been on my own with the children since he was 3 months old and I feel it is time for me to be able to work in a more demanding role (earn more) and get a social life. If ds was at boarding school he would be well educated and provided with fantastic opportunities and still get home for weekends. This particular school is free to the students it chooses.

Nataleejah · 05/03/2014 04:36

To me, its completely against my culture -- plus DH had a horrific experience at his time.

JessePinkmansMom · 05/03/2014 05:02

Personally I do believe that boarding for under 11's is wrong.

If your job/lifestyle is incompatible with keeping your young children at home with you (or with their grandparents at a push) and educating them locally then one of you needs to change your job/lifestyle until they are older. I understand all the arguments about ex-pats, army families etc, but there is no law that says your marriage deserves to have the two of you together more than your children deserve to have at least one of you around.

After 11 I don't really care who does what, so long as the child is happy about it and is given some sort of say in the matter.

That's not said with bunfight intentions, it's just an opinion. I hate all these accusations of 'goading', almost every thread could be construed as goading the minute anyone expresses a view that contradicts mine. Hmm It's just a debate; an exchange of opinions. If you are too delicate for it then perhaps discussion forums are not for you.

Mimishimi · 05/03/2014 06:13

The only people I know who boarded did so because their parents lived rurally or had work which required them to leave the country for long periods at regular intervals. Very few board from the age of seven these days, especially with all the abuse scandals which have come to light.

MoreBeta · 05/03/2014 07:26

merrymouse - that was my personal situation as a child. My parents only lived about 40 miles away but just far enough to make it a very long day.

My own children go to school 8.30 - 5.30 and do a lot of activities at weekend and after school. Day boardng is not on offer and I wish it were. The school facilities shut at 4.00 pm but having the option of a decent meal and some kind of boarding house with supervised Prep would be good. As it is they do homework in the library which is supervised but it is still essentially a day school and does not have the facilitiies or ethos among the teaching staff of a boarding school.

SheherazadeSchadenfreude · 05/03/2014 09:04

Mine are 13 and 15 and are weekly boarders. They board because my job means that I am likely to move overseas again in the next two to four years - both opted to board and finish their education in the UK rather than move overseas and to another school. They board weekly because the schools they are at are just a bit too far to travel to every day, particularly when you factor in after school activities.

DD1 has her own room and bathroom, and DD2 has her own room and shares a bathroom with one other. DD1 sometimes opts to stay over at a weekend if she has extra curricular activities - if she does this, I usually pop down and see her midweek and we go out to dinner (and sometimes we just do this anyway). DD2's school is close to where her grandparents live, so she often spends a weekend with them, or goes out with them in the evening.

They are both happy, and both had a strong element of choice in where they went to school. Yes, we do sometimes get grumbling on a Sunday evening about having to go back to school, but we would get that on a Monday morning too!

SeaSickSal · 05/03/2014 09:09

I went to boarding school for secondary and loved it. I was there Monday-Friday and home at weekends. It saved me a long commute to school which meant that I was better able to concentrate on my school work and had more time to study rather than travel. So it was very good for me academically too.

SeaSickSal · 05/03/2014 09:10

And if parents work, what's the point of a kid going to a childminder or coming home to an empty house when they could spend all evening with their mates getting a decent cooked meal and having their homework supervised?

MoreBeta · 05/03/2014 09:32

Seasick - its a good point and I really would be strongly in favour of weekly boarding if me and DW worked away or worked late a lot. Fra rather that than sitting at home alone waiting for us to come in.

Our DSs go away on week long trips with school anyway and with email and such like children are not cut off in some grim institution unable to communicate or get in touch if something needs sorting out that is worrying them.

RandomFriend · 05/03/2014 09:32

I have a child at boarding school, he loves it. He has plenty of company and there is always something to do. We live overseas and sending him where he goes is the best thing I can do for him. He is at a really good school where the education is excellent.

I would have preferred to have kept him at home and have him near me, but he was ready and wanted to go.

Have you been watching episode 1, OP? Where one of the boys is homesick? Homesickness is very real and is quite strong for a small number of the boys, but the editing of that episode played it up. Just after the older boy tells the younger one that doing lots of activities helps, you see the younger boy doing all sorts of sports and things; I was struck by the fact that he does them all very well.

Hogwash · 05/03/2014 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Animation · 05/03/2014 09:40

"My main reason for being anti it is that I think it is good for children to have a safe place at home to work through things emotionally - to rant and rage if appropriate, cry if they want to, wake parents up in the night if they are scared without being afraid what others think (not that ours get much sense from me in the night). However good a housemaster/mistress, I don't think they can genuinely provide what is provided at home."

Agree! Best for the emotional development.

pixiepotter · 05/03/2014 09:43

do not dare suggest ....

Who do you think you are? I will suggest what I like, thankyou very much.

RandomFriend · 05/03/2014 09:50

Boarding school does have holidays - two months in summer, one month at Easter and one month at Christmas. There nine-day half terms during October and February, plus five exeat weekends. So there is still plenty of time at home with parents for family life.

It is just that school happens in three-week bursts that are full-on with lessons six days a week and at least one activity every day. They have a busy routine. The time at school is not evil.

pixiepotter · 05/03/2014 09:54

'pixiepotter - Boarding school...so much easier than parenting

That's right. We all pack our kids off to boarding school so we can sod off out on the piss 7 nights a week'

No not so you can go out drinking, but (some) teenagers can be very hard work, difficuly demanding, worrying and plainly hell to live with.Much easier to ship them off and let someone else cope with all that.And if they go off the rails -drugs, eating disorders etc, then hey, it didn't happen on your watch did it?

RiverTam · 05/03/2014 10:01

can you provide some evidence to back up that assertion, pixie? You seem so very certain of it, so I'm sure you'll be able to lay your hands on that piece of evidence in a trice.

Thanks.