If you have a child at boarding school...

[curiousgeorgie]

Can I ask you why?

I know it's old but finally catching up on sky plus and watching the Harrow programme...

It seems so sad to send a child to boarding school, especially when some seem so resistant.

My DH said people do it because they have to, military etc.

So can I ask why you do it, if you do?

But midnight, surely you're not saying that private schools are better than state schools? Your first sentence suggests you think they are.

I do understand a lot of the arguments that are made against boarding. As I said, I shared them before working as a boarding tutor and still probably wouldn't put mine into boarding school (maybe weekly when they're older, if I can afford it. Who knows).

But what I can't understand is those who found their objections on a personal or known negative experience that is 15+ years old. Boarding schools have changed so much as to render that 'experience' totally irrelevant.

"Whilst boarding schools offer a myriad of after school activities what they don't offer is a taste of family life. By family life I mean how to argue, a messy house, the ups and downs of parents being tired, or parents just not holding it together, as well as the impromptu fun of daily family life."

Annie - agree . How to be real.

Diablo -I have DC of 19 16 12 plus 2 younger ones.
I repeat lots of children do lots of extracurricular stuff which is most likely going to be of a higher standard in terms of coaching and facilities, a specialist club than a school can provide.They then get to make friends there rather than doing everything with the same group.I am confused as well by the post of midnightagent that boarding school provides better than everyone else.Why would it provide better than a day school + proper extracurricular activities would

Only a fascist government could abolish private schools.

pixiepotter

I don't think a boarding school can offer a better standard in extra curricular activities per se. However, they can in many cases offer a wider variety and specialist tutors, whereas lots of schools and community provision can't offer this necessarily. There are always those that break the mould though as I have experience of this myself.

When you are talking about a specialist schools however, it would be very rare to find as good a quality anywhere else.

There are only three other schools in the entire country that can provide the level of tuition in dds activity (I'm not going to call it extra curricular as it isn't for her it's curricular.

Pixie, I think you misunderstand. Where my DS does his extra- curricular activities is almost irrelevant.

After those activities and prep are completed, he wants to spend an hour or two relaxing with his friends, not sitting on the sofa watching Midsomer Murders with his mum and dad.

He cannot do that at the moment as most of his good friends are boarding at his school. That is why he would like to board. It's really very simple.

From what my dd says they certainly get the chance to "be real". In fact, in our case, she probably gets more chance for this at boarding school. For the first time she is discovering what it is like to have "sisters" as well as her brothers at home. She has a room mate at school and they certainly all have arguments and, when I've visited and seen her dorm, messy house! We live in the sticks and at school she gets the chance to go to the cinema, shops, cafés etc. far more frequently.
For various reasons, we are planning on moving close enough to remove the full boarding need but she is insistent that she wants to stay as a boarder.
She certainly doesn't feel that she has been sent away because we don't love her enough, on the contrary, she is secure enough and confident of our love and support in allowing her to take this opportunity.

Oh and pixie, I live in a small, very rural village. There are no local activities. Are you suggesting that it would be more beneficial to move to a city, pull DS out of his school and arrange for him to do extras in the community?

Would I win your "better parenting" award if I did that?

We are also in a small rural village and for several years did the extra curricular stuff, some at the day school and some in the nearest local town. We endured frantic weekdays with 6:30am starts and 9:45pm finishes to try and give all the children their various opportunities. The result was that we were all tired, prep was getting rushed, eating was fraught and the miles were just ticking up on the car (and me!). Now, at the music school, dd's lessons, practices, ensembles etc. etc. are timetabled and travel time has been slashed.
Boarding isn't for everyone but we all have reasons for our choices and not all of us have easy access to activities close by.

Diabolo you say that as though it's laughable that you would change your life to help your ds.

Crowler I'm still curious to know what you think my agenda is.

IME many choices around schooling, especially for wealthier parents are about social segregation.

'But what I can't understand is those who found their objections on a personal or known negative experience that is 15+ years old. Boarding schools have changed so much as to render that 'experience' totally irrelevant'
Oh you know that is exactly what DH's father said to him when he was a child.
Plus ca change....

Truffle, genuine question, do you think the opportunity for your dd to do those activities is more important than the opportunity to spend the rest of her childhood at home?

I live in a small (500 people) village.8 miles to the nearest town but yes, we do ferry the kids round every evening because that is what parents do.I do think perhaps where a child has an outstanding talent and goes to a school which specifically caters for that talent, eg Royal ballet or a music school, then that is a bit different.

Cailin surely you're not actually for real? What "help" do you imagine my DS needs?

I think you should send your children to boarding school, seriously, they are going to need some other opinions to balance out your rather unorthodox view of parenting.

If I do let him board in 2 years time I'll be sure to report myself to Children's Services, to save you the trouble.

I don't think you "disagree" with boarding schools, I think you have an axe to grind.

I am genuinely interested to hear more Crowler.

I didn't say parents of boarders should be reported to CS diabolo. I said bs has important purpose to serve in taking children away from wealthier families where care is poor. That does not mean care is poor in families of all boarders.

But pixie, I'm not talking about where the activities are done. I am referring to the time after activities, when prep is completed and supper is eaten. That is when DS wants downtime with his friends.

Sorry diabolo, I didn't answer your question. The "help" is what you suggested - moving to a city. But you suggested it as though it is a laughable idea.

As grovel said, boarders are at home for at least 40% of the year (actually a bit more), so there's plenty of time for a normal family life. We're really close.

Mine has boarded since he was eight (coming home every Saturday night for the first year) and absolutely adores it.

We sent him to boarding school not because we had to or because there weren't good day alternatives but because we believe boarding to be a really positive experience. He is an only child and has developed sibling-like relationships; he has learned to live in a community where give and take is required and where they share one another's ups and downs. He doesn't spend a couple of hours a day being ferried to and from school or to activities: every moment is spent doing something constructive or fun. He has space to develop his own character and interests relatively free of the parental helicopter. I think, as he moves into his teens that our relationship will be helped by the fact that it is someone else who nags about the small stuff.

He was homesick for the first term and if he had been miserable for any length of time I would have brought him straight home: it doesn't suit everyone; but by the first Christmas he was thanking me for sending him

There are a number of people on this thread who like to knock private schools, even accuse of us being bad parents because we use them. Perhaps indicating that we have more money than sense.

They want equality for all - until of course they have kids themselves and choose to use the private system having spent years knocking it. Diane Abbott springs to mind.

If you really want a equal system - well North Korea has vacancies.

Communist thinking I always assume comes from people who want to be paid like doctors or CEO's of large companies but wouldnt dream of putting the hours in or who dont have the academic skills but again still want to be paid as though they did.

If the private sector wasnt there you do realise that the state system would not be able to cope, that there would be lovely middle class schools with sharp elbowed parents who are delighted that they no longer have to pay for education.

Well, I am in the fortunate posItion of being able to choose state or private .I think it is a form of envy tbh. They have made choices in life that exclude them from going private and feel that knocking people who do choose that route can justify the decisions they have made.

I also work at home a lot. I work for a large FTSE company that promotes home working so I am not some well travelled executive jetting off to various parts of the world.

Pixie - you go ahead and think that boarding schools are the work of the devil based on snippets from years and years ago. Or maybe no experience at all.....

I don't want to move to a city. Neither does DS. Although he does quite fancy Los Angeles for some reason. Something to do with Katy Perry.

I think you should move to the Outer Hebrides. Much better life for your children, lots of fresh air and camping on the beach.

Or perhaps you should become a hedge-funder, so you can buy them nicer things and take them on lovely foreign holidays. And buy a yacht.

Or you could become a world champion tenpin bowler. You are doing them a huge disservice by not being one you know.

Ad infinitum.....

I'll try with the genuine answer! All I can say is that her music is so incredibly important to her and has always been. The chance to do this came up and we took it and she is happy. As I said earlier, we are going to move closer and I would like her to move to flexi boarding when that happens. I guess that tells you that we are not a family in which this sits fully comfortably. It is certainly not how we planned raising our children but we are where we are.
When we have discussed this with her, she feels she is not missing out on home life as she still spends a fair amount of time at home with holidays, half terms and exeats. I guess because she was at a day school before with long days plus extra stuff virtually every evening plus Saturdays, she hasn't been glued to my armpit for years anyway.
Who knows what the future will bring, she may well not end up doing anything with music as a career and that'll be her choice.
She is a nice girl and she is happy, if that changes then I will make changes too. What else can I say?

I wasn't the one who suggested you move to a city, you were diabolo.

There are a tiny number of private school in Ireland and practically no boarding schools handcream and the state schools do fine, better than the UK in fact.

That said I have nothing against private schools.