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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you have a child at boarding school...

418 replies

curiousgeorgie · 04/03/2014 13:07

Can I ask you why?

I know it's old but finally catching up on sky plus and watching the Harrow programme...

It seems so sad to send a child to boarding school, especially when some seem so resistant.

My DH said people do it because they have to, military etc.

So can I ask why you do it, if you do?

OP posts:
2tiredtocare · 05/03/2014 12:04

Not every culture is a sentimental as us

Picturesinthefirelight · 05/03/2014 12:04

So I

Picturesinthefirelight · 05/03/2014 12:05

So I should have left dd in a school where she was unhappy & not achieving academically due to it regardless of her talent?

2tiredtocare · 05/03/2014 12:07

No you shouldn't, you know what's best for your child

CailinDana · 05/03/2014 12:07

Was that your only other option pictures?

Pigsmummy · 05/03/2014 12:08

One of my best friends was a Forces child, she has often looked back and wished that she could have boarded. She went to 13 schools, the last one was where we met. She failed academically but since, as an adult has studied and is educated to a high level, she and I think that her constant changes of schools hindered her development.

Trufflethewuffle · 05/03/2014 12:14

My 11 year old dd started boarding in September as she was awarded a specialist music place at one of the main music schools and it is simply too far for us to travel on a daily basis. Like morethan's daughter, the drive for this came from her and we were initially reluctant as boarding was never something we thought we would be considering for our children. There was some initial homesickness but this was short lived. Talking to mums of her old friends from year 6 this seems to have been little more than the settling in involved with any school change. She is now completely in her element and can't wait to get back after any trip home! We have no doubts that she is in the right school for her particular strengths and ambitions but I don't think it is something we would have done if it weren't for the music specialism.

Picturesinthefirelight · 05/03/2014 12:19

Pretty much.

She was already in a private school that supposedly catered for children with an interest in performing. The state schools that were better were out if catchment. Her local dance school struggled to provide enough classes.

The other vocational school were much further away/ she wasn't suitable forcthem/ there was no funding available

We ended up losing a terms fees at her old school as we'd planned to let her go at 16 but in the end just wanted to get her out of there.

Picturesinthefirelight · 05/03/2014 12:20

She doesn't actually board, in fact dh took a job there to enable her to attend as a day girl but its tough in her due to the travel/ hours

Anniegoestotown · 05/03/2014 12:20

Morethan, I think I can guess which school you are talking about. If it is Just a word to check it out v.v.carefully.

Picturesinthefirelight · 05/03/2014 12:23

Dds school sometimes does performances with students from more thans potential school.

All the problems stem from way back if you're on about thecorevious scandals.

handcream · 05/03/2014 12:32

Morethan - thank you for the kind words. I wish some on this thread could meet my DS's to show how they have developed. My older DS was not naturally academic. However the school has brought out the very best in him and he did very well in his GCSE's (think he surprised himself). The school will not settle for anything but your best and will find something you are good at.

Of course I could have sent him to the sort of school I went to - there are plenty of them around. My DH went to a private day school but in the West Country so it wasnt a London hothouse.

I promise you we are just normal people, not inheirted wealth, no lottery wins and no help from GP's with fees. We do earn well above the average though.

I have told the family in the past if ever they see any issues with the boys around boarding to please please tell us...

pixiepotter · 05/03/2014 12:37

But what if the child is ready/wants to board, and you're spending all your weeknights dealing with logistics?

I don't see what the 'begging' has to do with anything.Your child is basically begging to be brought up by their peers.is that what is good for them?
most children have a full programme of extra curricular activities, and the parents cope with it because they love their child enough to.

Anniegoestotown · 05/03/2014 12:37

Dh and DBIL both boarded from the age of 7.

DBIL hated it and swore that he was never leaving home again when he returned at 18. He is now in his 60's and still lives at home.

Dh on the other hand loved it. But the person who has come out the other end of this experience, he s getting worse as he is getting older, was someone who knows nothing of family life. It is hard to explain to someone else that the father of your children who on the one hand loves them to the ends of the earth cannot actually talk to them or relate to them.
He is the greatest provider and a workaholic but when it comes down to family life he scores 0.

Whilst boarding schools offer a myriad of after school activities what they don't offer is a taste of family life. By family life I mean how to argue, a messy house, the ups and downs of parents being tired, or parents just not holding it together, as well as the impromptu fun of daily family life.
Dh's parents put on a united front and were all smiles for the few weeks dh was home. But once they returned to bs the arguments would start.

alli1968 · 05/03/2014 12:37

My son is nearly 15 and boards. This came about as we were overseas and the school provision was not adequate. When we returned to the UK 1 year later we asked him if he wanted to move to a school closer to home and I got a resounding no.

There are now, 6 years on, a range of reasons why he stays there - first and foremost that he absolutely loves it. As an only child he loves the rough and tumble of his house, the cameraderie - he described it as an ongoing sleepover. Secondly, he struggles academically and this particular school has wide ranging teaching, abiliities and excellent Learnign Support alongside classes of between 8-12 in most cases. He is also very sporty and the school offers much of this also.

the fact that he is away is an ongoing anxiety for his father and me but we go round the circle many times each year and come to the same position that he is v happy, progressing as well as we believe he could and categorically does not want to leave.

Clearly some children would not like it but there are many who love it and thrive.

The HarrowSchool programme was clearly very interesting for me - it far more "establishment" than my sons school but I think quite representative.

handcream · 05/03/2014 12:42

Its more than a few weeks at home when baorders returns, 2 months (or more during the summer), at least a month at Easter, Xmas, half term breaks, long weekends etc.

Its considerably more than a 'few weeks' at home...

handcream · 05/03/2014 12:47

MY DS goes to a very similar school to Harrow. It is quite accurate and does show what a boarding school is like (at least according to my older DS!). He saw a couple of old friends on the programme too.

Crowler · 05/03/2014 12:49

most children have a full programme of extra curricular activities, and the parents cope with it because they love their child enough to.

Wink
Anniegoestotown · 05/03/2014 12:51

Pictures, not a clue about thecorevious scandal, never heard of it, but know a few who have pulled dc out because of problems. Also there are cheaper options, we live near the school, again if it is the one I am thinking of and the fees were so high I did not go further than the website when I was looking for my dd.

Also, again if it is the school I am thinking of they take a lot of forces children, think they get a 90% discount. Judging by the amount of scholarships and bursaries and discounts given out it becomes meaningless to say you had a scholarship bursary etc to go to this school. Dd goes to one whose fees are more like a 2/3 less in central London and her Bf commutes from Birmingham each day.

grovel · 05/03/2014 12:55

Typical boarding school:

4.5 weeks at Christmas and Easter
8 weeks in the summer
3 half terms of a week each
6 exeats per year(2 nights each)

That's 152 nights a year at home (40%).

morethanpotatoprints · 05/03/2014 12:57

Annie

Thank you very much, I totally understand what you mean and just because the school in question is far more accountable these days and they are certainly on their toes it doesn't do to be complacent.

I have met/spoken to a few parents of children at the school and they are very happy with it and have given me their verdict.
I think the worst thing I have heard was a child not happy with the food, but the parent assured me her dd was known to be a fussy eater.

I also know they get very tired, are worked hard and have lots of performances to work towards, but in our case that is just the same as it is now.

We are sure she isn't ready yet emotionally, although she tells us she is very independent and can cope without mum and Dad, she doesn't need us apparently. Grin

I think y7/8 will be early enough for her and as we live close enough not so sure about full boarding, but would consider day pupil/flexi boarding to begin with.

We are there today as a family friend has a consultation, dh works there some weekends as a guest specialist, so he keeps reporting back snippets.

Picturesinthefirelight · 05/03/2014 12:58

I think you must be thinking of a different school.

More than has already said that all places there are funded under a government scheme. It isn't in London.

diabolo · 05/03/2014 13:01

korma you make a great point at 11.44am.

My 14 year old DS certainly doesn't want to spend all of his free time with parents, what teenager does.

To cailin and pixie those charmers up the thread, you seem to have very young children, not teenagers, one of you mentions nursery, so how do you feel justified in commenting on having a teenager who is begging board?

DS isn't begging to board because I can't or won't meet his needs. The fact is I'm not another teenage boy. He has to go to school and work bloody hard, then as soon as the fun begins, he has to come home.

Thats why he wants to board. Living nearer the school wouldn't change that. Having a different job wouldn't change that.

RiverTam · 05/03/2014 13:07

because it looks fun? Because they (unlike you, clearly) can see their are advantages, for them at least, many of which have been enumerated in this thread so I won't bother listing them again? Because Harry, Ron and Hermione had an awesome time?

midnightagents · 05/03/2014 13:16

I think its selfish from a social point of view to send kids to boarding school, its buying into the notion that you can/ and should be able to pay to have better than everyone else. I think, at a time when inequality is growing, and the damaging effects that this has upon society- we should be working to reduce that inequality. One way of doing this would be through the eradication of private schools. If everyone was at state schools you can bet your ass the government would be more invested in trying to improve the level of education and oppurtunities for everyone! Its a key factor in improving our education and society.

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