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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to Sometimes get fed up being the pivotal person in my house?

542 replies

ChaosTrulyReigns · 03/03/2014 20:11

Had a bit of a melt - down today, for many reasons. Sad

I know that there really is no escape, but I seem to be the one who:

reminds,
decides,
repeats,
Is asked what/where/wgen/who/how,
and so on.

Does anyone else get fed up with nothing seeming to happen unless they provides the encouragement or urging or reminding or deciding to get it done?

OP posts:
Ledkr · 04/03/2014 08:15

Agree with cailin mat leave is to spend time with baby.
I don't look after my husband one bit but he inadvertently benefits from my concern for the chikdren iyswim?
I certainly do not pick up his dirty clothes or iron his clothes but I do feel like I do all the actual organisation of our lives.

Interestingly yesterday our dd didn't seem herself.
I told dh to keep his phone on invade nursery phoned as I had awfull day of appointments at work.
He raised an eyebrow so I suggested he call a few people to see if they could help should this happen.
You know, like I'd normally do!

ipswichwitch · 04/03/2014 08:21

Ha CuntyBunty that link is hilarious... And sadly so familiar sounding.

Soditall · 04/03/2014 08:22

Yes I'm that one in my house which is really bloody awful as I'm really ill and disabled now and to top it all I suffered brain damage so my memory's worse than bloody useless!

I think everyone's just got so used to me being the one that sorted everything out that they've got stuck in a rut.

I worry constantly that if I go before my children are grown up I have no idea how they'll all cope.

Op I feel your pain.

sandyballs · 04/03/2014 08:44

Very timely thread. DH was supposed to go into work late today as I had to go in early, so he was here for the DDs. He forgot and said I should have reminded him - I did remind him several times.

This turned into a rant from me as all he has to think about is work. Nothing else is on his radar. I work four days a week yet still have to think about finances, cleaning, clothes, kids, holidays, ageing parents, garden, friends, social life, kids social life and clubs, school, cars, ......... pisses me right off. He does cook a couple of times a week but it's always something fecking elaborate that takes ages and we all have to keep saying how fecking wonderful it is. He actually had the gall the other day to stand there and say "I think I might give up my job and become a chef" Shock.

I'm off to Devon for a long weekend soon and I can't wait.

Oh and I've also instigated a new house rule - no-one is allowed to start a sentence with the word "Where".

QuietNinjaTardis · 04/03/2014 08:55

I got told this morning that I need to cut ds fingernails. Cos apparently Dh cannot pick up a pair of nail scissors and do it himself.
And yes to all of the above. I have to remember appointments and whether ds has eaten, gone to the loo (he holds it forever so has to be reminded) when he last had a bath and washed his hair. Dh will ask me every time where the kids clothes are, where the towels are. In the same fucking drawers they've been In for years! Ffs.
He does cook every evening but every other job that requires remembering falls to me. My brain hurts sometimes with all the shit in it and I've got to do lists coming out of my arse.
He also has a clean pile of clothes growing in the spare room where I refuse to put them away he's lucky I still wash them after he shouted at me cos he didn't have any clean pants.
His only houseworky job was to empty the bins and sort recycling. He got cross with me one eve that it had all been left to the last minute and now he had to do it after a long day at work, aw diddums. I said when you actually have a whole week to do it and not one eve then be got no sympathy if you don't sort it sooner and don't even get me started on buying me a Xmas present 2 days before Christmas that you hadn't thought about at all and bought in a panic when you have a whole year to organise that

Fucks.me.off.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 04/03/2014 08:58

OMG you are so NBU!! I went into meltdown last night when my 11 yoDS asked me if his phone was charge....how the fuck do I know....actually I do know because if I don't remind him or do it it never bloody is!!

Seriously gets on my tits, god help them if I get squashed by a bus!

Sevensev · 04/03/2014 08:58

There are ways round this sometimes.

A more or less complete daily list, done for a week to include weekends of all these jobs, and how many minutes they take, may open our own eyes and those of our partners'.

Sevensev · 04/03/2014 08:58

And open the eyes of older children too!

Jossysgiants · 04/03/2014 09:00

YANBU. I am another one who has a 'good' DH. He does his share of childcare, tidies up, does stuff round the house etc. My mother thinks he is a saint as do all the ladies in the village. ( And I am a bossy bra burning harridan because 'Poor' Mr Jossysgiants actually has to take some domestic responsibility for his OWN house and children. ) However despite him being being ' good' the household management is still a matter of me assigning tasks to him - I still have to have all the oversight over the domestic world, book bags, term time childcare, childcare for school holidays, doctors and dentist appointments, shopping, menu planning. etc etc. He doesn't even know when the school holidays are. It drives me mad, and it drives me mad that a man like him (who to be fair does show willing and does a reasonable share - albeit not any of the organisation) is looked upon as some rare creature, whereas doing all this stuff is simply expected of me. I gave DH the task of organising our DD's birthday party this year ( full organisation and oversight) and people are still RSVPing to me instead of to him, as if unable to contemplate that he should be busying himself with this stuff. He was surrounded in the playground yesterday by a bunch of Mums telling him how amazing he was for doing it.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 04/03/2014 09:00

DH has asked every week for 8 years, what day do the bin men come.
It's the same fucking day every week for the last fucking 8 years.

So now, when he asks me I say a different day. A different day every week, just for the fun of it.

And then he looks at me and says "I thought it was Friday"

And I reply, oh is it? I can't remember.

tinypumpkin · 04/03/2014 09:05

Thank God for this thread. I have just lost it at DH for being utterly hopeless too. Aggghhh. I just don't understand why it has to be me that sorts everything. I am clearly not alone. He thinks that I am being unreasonable. I think that he is being bloody lazy and thoughtless. Fun and games.

Sparklingbrook · 04/03/2014 09:05

Grin Tantrums. DH is the same with school start and finish times. If he picks DS2 up he always asks what time he finishes. It's 2.55pm the same as it was for the three years DS1 was there and the nearly three years DS2 has done. Confused

mrsjay · 04/03/2014 09:11

I certainly do not pick up his dirty clothes or iron his clothes but I do feel like I do all the actual organisation of our lives.

I don't do either there is no way i am picking up sweaty work socks he knows where the basket it , same with the dds it is just the CBA to actually do it and then moan when something isn't washed i never run about washing things I just wish they would all just put the washing in the basket

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 04/03/2014 09:12

Tantrums - that is brilliant, I am going to try that. I go out every Thursday at the same time....DH always asks what time I'm going out - I shall mess with his head next time he asks me Grin

justmyview · 04/03/2014 09:20

tantrums - I like it!

cardamomginger · 04/03/2014 09:22

And when DH does ever do anything, no matter how small, I am expected to thank him profusely for 'helping me'.

I'm finding this thread deeply depressing.

BraveMerida · 04/03/2014 09:31

Yanbu

It pisses me right off when i get blamed for when things run out....when I make it clear that dh and dd have to meet me half way....even though i do the shopping, everyone is responsible for adding to the shopping list if they've used the last one or their favourite yoghurt/ cereal etc. ( which I don't eat) runs out...The rule is if it is not on the list, it does not get bought...simple really.

When I went away for business for nearly a week, I had to make all the calls and contacts and arrangements for childcare and pick ups drop off etc.., so the plan and everything was in place before I went, dh just has to make sure to execute according to plan...grr.

I was thinking about this recently and decided that the more I do for them the more they take for granted and not actually realise how much of my time and head space it all takes up.

It's not just the doing and organising, it's all the time consuming research into health issues, education, schooling, parenting etc etc.

BraveMerida · 04/03/2014 09:33

Not only that cardomom, he thins he's earned himself a medal!

BraveMerida · 04/03/2014 09:36

But how is it that woman often end up like this in a partnership?

I hope we are not programmed this way.

BellaVita · 04/03/2014 09:37

Oh my love Sad sorry you are feeling like this. xx

UC · 04/03/2014 09:39

Maybe this is one of the threads where being in a blended family is a good thing! DP more than pulls his weight in our house. We organise our own DCs' club lifts etc., we share ironing, washing etc. Kids have to put own clothes in wash basket, and put own away. I put mine away, he does his. I do cooking in the week, he usually does weekends. I do most of the cleaning but I don't work full time, while he does, and all the kids are at school so I took that on willingly (and enjoy dancing while I do it).

We have argued once or twice about childcare in school holidays, as I see it as my job to organise my DCs, and his (and his ex's) job to organise their DCs, not relying on me to look after all of them on my non-working days - but we discussed this, and he took it on board. Common issue on the SP boards...!

cardamomginger · 04/03/2014 09:53

I was thinking how it is that I have ended up in this situation. It's two-fold for me - I am expected to do all the drudge, and am excluded from all the 'important' decisions and information. If DH dropped dead tomorrow (someone posted upthread about a patio that could hide 4 bodies - any places left?), I would be completely stuck as I have no idea how any of the vital bits of my life work. Basically he is a 1950s throwback. Prior to DH I used to be this perfectly capable person who was responsible for all aspects of her life. And that's all changed - I feel like this frightened little mouse, who can't do anything. (There's been some serious health stuff going on for me, which has certainly contributed to this feeling - not all my situation with DH.)

How has it happened? I think me being the drudge is a combination of his programming to be this 1950s throwback (which of course I didn't know about until after we were married - or at least ignored some of the warning signs), his utter stubbornness and refusal to change at all, my dislike of yet more arguments and tension which means I just cave in. Him taking away all important decisions from me I think is in part again his personality, and partly because early on in our marriage I sold my flat and moved into his - so he was already doing the 'important' stuff, and it just carried on.

What am I going to do about it? In the short term, nothing. I no longer care enough - there's other stuff that's wrong in the relationship. I think I will be posting in Relationships in the not too distant future, as I start to think about making some hard decisions.

brighteyedbusytailed · 04/03/2014 09:58

I get really pissed that if i am settee bound/out of action for a few days ,

the house grinds to a halt l.e no clean clothes, things run out etc

AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE ILL!!!

CailinDana · 04/03/2014 10:05

Cardamom, your situation sounds really tough. That is far beyond just normal marriage gripes, as you know. It's a good idea to start a thread in relationships.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 04/03/2014 10:05

Actually, I had a bit of a meltdown about this a couple of weeks ago.
We have 2 ds who play football on Sunday. Different times, different places. So i take one of them, dh takes the other. We have different ways to decide which one we are taking- I prefer an early kick off and somewhere that sells coffee, so I will drive a bit further for that, dh prefers closer to home and a later kick off.

So every wednesday we get the fixture list. And it is always me who has to look at it, decide who is going where, work out what time we have to get up, what time we have to leave etc etc.

And it pissed me off so a couple of weeks ago I decided to do nothing.
Did anyone else think of it? NO.
Not dh, not ds1 who is 15 years old and should be thinking of this stuff, no one.
Sunday morning, I heard dh get up and it must have just occured to him that we had 2 boys to get to matches. So he bought me a coffee and said "oh, which match are you going to? What time do I have to leave?"

I had a little bit of a meltdown about why the fuck was I the only one who ever thought of this etc etc. He went downstairs, worked it all out, told me what time he was leaving, how long it would take me to get to ds1 game, fine. That is great, he did it.

But why did he not think of it before sunday morning?