to Sometimes get fed up being the pivotal person in my house?

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

Had a bit of a melt - down today, for many reasons.

I know that there really is no escape, but I seem to be the one who:

reminds,
decides,
repeats,
Is asked what/where/wgen/who/how,
and so on.

Does anyone else get fed up with nothing seeming to happen unless they provides the encouragement or urging or reminding or deciding to get it done?

DH and I are totally imbalanced too. He's tidy (mess drives him nuts) and happy to 'help' but checks everything with me first. I have to spoon feed him or provide specific instructions. Housework is generally shared but the overall responsibility for everything generally falls to me.

DD has been at nursery for nearly 18 months. He wouldn't know how much the monthly bill is, or how it gets paid. I asked him yesterday how much he thought the council tax is and he said £28pm. I have a spreadsheet with our finances on (have done for 10 years) and despite regularly showing him what it all means, he's still totally clueless.

His reason for all this is "but you've always just done it so why would I have to".

I said last night that that doesn't mean he can't show an interest. He said he wouldn't know where to start. I then said "can you genuinely not understand how pathetic that sounds? That you should be saying "I do need to know these things and I should know how it all works" rather than "waaaah I don't know where to start so I won't"?" When he shrugged I stormed off to bed in a huff.

I could sit and write everything I do and think of to keep our lives going so that we could sit and discuss and divvy it out but honestly it feels like more spoon feeding. I want him to find it all out, to work out what he doesn't know and figure out how he's going to learn it.

We lent out thermometer to a neighbour and dd was feeling hot yesterday. This was the conversation between me and DH...

Me: we need another thermometer
DH: do they do them in tesco
Me: umm I don't know
DH: hmm. Do you think we should get one?
Me: yes it's a fairly essential piece of kit with a toddler
DH: when shall I get one?

Ok so it was 6pm on a Sunday night but I could not believe I was having to guide him through the thought process of replacing our thermometer.

I work 4 days pw am pg with DC2 and fairly frazzled. He knows this. Yet he never arranges for us to do anything as a family, so we don't. At most we go to the park or the beach. I've told him I do not have the headspace to arrange our weekends entertainment as well as think of everything else. But still nothing gets planned. Yet funnily enough he knows what the next 5 football fixtures are and where he'll be watching them and who with.

Genuine question: how do we change all this? It's not even necessarily about doing more, just having that awareness, insight and interest in How Our Life Doesn't Fall Over.

I've been feeling really overwhelmed, crowded and fed up recently. I've been trying to understand why. This thread sums up my life and articulates everything I feel at the moment. I'm interested in the solutions because I honestly think if I stop doing things bags/lunches/appointments/laundry etc they won't happen. And it will reflect badly on me, not my husband.

sunshine I am trying to change this - said upthread. My approach is to do it gradually so stop doing stuff for him first...and stuff for the DCs that aren't important. The answer I'm practising is 'I don't know' !
So DD2 (gets a bit more leeway) - where is my 3DS? me: I don't know, have you looked where it is kept? DD2 (looks) -It isn't there...(whiney) - Me : well that's why you should put things away where they belong so you can find them. You'll have to have a look around.
DP - Does x sell Y? Me: I don't know. (nothing more -repeated if nec)

I have implemented the "fining a pound" suggestion.

Unfortunately the cleaner had indeed moved the item in question somewhere unexpected but at least DC had a proper look!

Allthebees that is one classic conversation. Spoonfeeding your own support isn't really support at all.

I had, only yesterday 'Are these dishes clean?' while he's standing there with the dishwasher open and I'm sitting about 3m away. I think what he really meant was 'Why haven't you put these dishes away?

You are right to get this sorted now while DCs are young. They do start to take the easy way out, just as their role model Dad does and you end up doing the same thing for them too.

I had a (mini, not very serious) rant at other half about this the other day - something needed sorting and I did it while he was still at the faffing planning stage.

His response: "Didn't you get the memo? Here are the ovaries, you're in charge"

Bookacholic that's a sulky childish comment from your man. But it highlights how men can be so passive aggressive about all this. He doesn't want to do it and then gets annoyed when you do.

I must say sometimes I am a faffer and DP just gets on and does something (like getting rid of clutter or putting up a shelf). When he actually does it I just accept it though, don't get narky and sulky. Life's too short, sometimes you need to get stuff done.

I would talk to them. Say exactly how you feel. Say what needs to happen. Ask him if there is anything he wants you to do.

Be honest with each other about what is necessary and what is instead something you would prefer but others might reasonably see as faff.

Then if he can't or won't change you have some hard thinking to do.

There are no magic wands or magic solutions. If both halves of a couple don't fundamentally most of the time want to make each other's lives happier, better, easier then I think the pain and frustration such a relationship inevitably engenders makes it not worth carrying on.

But only you know where the balance lies in your relationship. I advocate total honesty and a willingness to follow through and make hard decisions. After 43 years, this is the only strategy I have ever found worth following, in all and every area of life.

differentnameforthis , he really really isn't forgetting that you have ordered a takeaway that needs collecting. He just knows that you will always do it and so he has a drink.

You have a drink next time, then maybe he'll get the idea when he has to fork out for a taxi to go and pick up the meal.

Spero, there was something you said earlier about how crap your ex has been through your chemo which rings bells with me though I only had flu. But it was a pivotal moment in my relationship. It was March half term, ex h (h at the time) had a full week of holiday left to take and I had proper flu with temps over 40 and delirium and 7 year old twins (one with severe autism) to take care of. He didn't lift a finger that whole week. Took no time off work. Didn't cook. Didn't look after the kids. I knew he was a hopeless twat but that really showed how little he cared for me and the kids. Still took me years to work up the courage and resources to ltb though. Never again will I let myself be treated like that.

Youthecat - I am sorry to hear that.

But it is very telling isn't it? When we were together I was properly ill twice - ill enough to be in bed for a few days and not able to do anything. He was crap - actually annoyed with me for being ill. No sympathy and no practical help.

That is because the worst examples of these type of men are so utterly selfish and self absorbed that everything is reflected back at them in terms of what this means for their immediate comfort. So no sympathy if wife is ill, just annoyed and put out that she isn't at his back and call.

If you are with someone like this, who can't be sympathetic and kind while you are ill, then run, run away like the wind.

My dp was treated pretty shoddily by his ex. She expected him to do everything and pay (way more than they could afford) for anything she wanted. So it can happen when the gender roles are reversed too.

I think that's why we both appreciate each other so much.

O yes, I am not saying that it is only men that behave badly. Human beings are not much cop overall I think, with a few honourable and notable exceptions.

What is saddest I think is that for each man or woman who is capable of treating other people like shit, there is often another person who is putting up with them. better if these types of people were left by themselves or were only allowed to partner up with similarly unevolved and unimpressive people.

There should be some kind of test before you can get married/live together - done separately. And if the basic values don't match up then they should be given the option of calling it a day or some kind of counselling to learn to compromise.

Tongue firmly in cheek.

Why tongue in cheek??? absolutely bloody essential I think. So many people don't even seem to know prior to marriage/moving in together what their partner thinks about children, schooling, money, housework, friends, socialising, holidays, etc, etc, etc, etc.

We think we are 'in love' and that will sort everything. #bollocks.

I think there needs to be more done about what is right and wrong in relationships, in schools. I know these things aren't black and white but there are some things that are just wrong.

Teach the kids about what is emotionally abusive behaviour. Teach them to value themselves.

I had no idea what was abusive and went into my marriage with my eyes firmly shut.

Absolutely YouTheCat . Someone should write up a programme and run it in schools.

I think it was going to be part of sex education in schools, but the House of Lords voted it out?